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Comment by morgan on April 12, 2015 at 7:57pm

I really don't know how much longer I can continue to go on trying to live.  Seriously, I have tried and tried  and tried to do "things" to alleviate this pain.  This ongoing assault on my brain from the universe beyond and the feeling of love lost is getting the better of me.   I have been traveling this path for over two years.  Two long lonely years.  I just don't know If I can hold out.  I'm really going in a hole right now.  I've tried so f#*!#*)!* g=hard.  It's all so meaningless. I just don't know how long I can do this.  I keep trying to boost others spirits thinking I am boosting my own and right now all I want to do is go down the street and fling myself in front of a train.  Why does this feeling of this pain keep at me?  Two ears plus of this is 890 days too long.  I need help.  I really honestly cant seem to find anything anymore to help me get beyond this.  The intensity of the pain is still the same as it was on day one. The only thing slightly different is that it doesn't wipe me off the map as often.

 Each of us who have lost our spouse have been sentenced to a living death.  That's what it is. A living death.  What are we supposed to do with that? How long does this sentence last?  I swear I need to revisit a promise I made to myself a while back because tonight for whatever reason it is really bad.  

Comment by Dianne M. on April 12, 2015 at 6:57pm

I can relate to so many of the posts below. I am forcing myself to get out and I dont know if that is good or bad but it is what I am trying. I know he would not want me to sit around here and do nothing. That is not my personality but I feel so lost without him. I have not been alone in over 20 years so this is just all too much.

Comment by George H on April 12, 2015 at 6:53pm

Hi all been keepin with the posts just can't seem to comment today it been a numbing weekend I miss mary so bad I can hardly function my life is just shattered

Comment by Tildyc on April 12, 2015 at 6:23pm

My life is so diminished. Mark and I used to be so happy. Our simple life and our daily routines and plans where all we needed. We where very content and we always joked about our little trailer being our mansion. Our days and evenings where mostly uncomplicated and we enjoyed and loved one another. The companionship we shared was irreplaceable.

Now I sit alone, at home most all the time. And most often it's my choice to be alone. I'm not someone most folks would want to hang out with anymore. It is a miserable existence.

The person I used to be was rarely whiney and if something needed to be done- I generally would take care of it. I was always planning something and was active.

Now- that I live in a world without my Mark- I don't even remotely resemble the person I use to be. I'm reclusive, sad and could care less about what I'll be doing later. The future holds no interest for me. I spend most my free time just sitting in front of the tv, waiting for time to go by. Grieving the loss of my soulmate. I've become pathetic and lame. Broken. My life has become a shadow of what it used to be.

Comment by Tildyc on April 12, 2015 at 3:10pm

I'm still looking for him every time I walk in the door. His smile, his voice and his warm and comforting presence. Every-single-time.

Also- I've tried to distract myself with work, movies, tv, reading, writing, long drives, dog walks, therapy, medication and even a little red wine at times- etc, etc. etc.... But - no matter what- that sad and broken feeling is always present. And its become a constant and integral part of who I am. The daily breakdowns and the overwhelming waves of despondency and panic that I cannot control...are a way of life for me now.

I just want him to come home. To come back to me.

My heart is broken beyond repair.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 12, 2015 at 2:56pm

Meeting went OK. Got some hugs and words of sympathy. I thanked everyone and gave my report.

I feel so broken and alone.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 12, 2015 at 12:03pm

John T.- Thank you. Memories of Mark and hope that every tomorrow will be a little easier than today is what I have now. Mark would not want me to give up. He would want me to make a happy life for myself. That is what I have to do for him.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 12, 2015 at 11:59am

Dianne-I think you are doing a great thing. Get out of the house for a little while. The grief is still going to be there but it won't be the only thing. You can focus on something else for just a little while. That has helped me. The only place I really get to go is to church. It has been a blessing to not only to be able to go to church, but to have something else to focus on.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 12, 2015 at 9:49am

I am going to try again today and venture out. Going to a club meeting that dh and I went to every month. I am the chair for an event so I have a report to give and the fellow is selling some things for me so I need to pick up some money too. I am not going to stay long. I have to at least try.

Comment by George H on April 12, 2015 at 8:44am

Someone said to me to start out with small changes around the house so I though to myself great plain the whole house is Mary so I would have to live in a hole in the ground and we all know that wouldn't stop the pain and loneliness may I'm lucky that no one comes around people on the other side of the glass from us just don't get it

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