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Comment by dream moon JO B on April 8, 2021 at 4:23pm

fealin num agan lkik i wz in 1212 wen dad passs now mom gon sisn mon

i feal num all stagee grif in 1 go not bean abl 2 go sea her coz of cov 19 resticosn

i feal lk swearin crusin coz of cov 19 

Comment by dream moon JO B on April 6, 2021 at 4:02pm

i loss my om mom yday fealin so nummagan i wish i cdu cry bt cnt lk my da in 2012 num angr denilw so on or silly comemtss i had 

Comment by Penny on February 11, 2021 at 10:00pm

I'm just tryna see how everyone is doing.

Comment by Penny on February 7, 2021 at 5:05am

I don't know how often we should come into the groups and talk with each other. I've never really been very social, but I'm learning to be more social. Please bear with me. 

Today marks two years since my dad passed away. I'm still trying to figure out how it's already been two years. Sometimes, I like to believe that he has just taken off with no forwarding address. When he was alive, especially after his divorce from mom, he would just leave the area. Several times, he left and went towards Austin. At least once, he went to North Carolina. He had Momma Beth, his sister in Brady, Tx, and Aunt Lorna in Morganton, NC. He passed away in Livingston, Tx, and I didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye. So, I have to find different ways to fulfill the need to have closure. If there's a such thing. 

Love you, dad

Comment by Penny on January 31, 2021 at 4:40pm

Hey, it's Pennywyze. I didn't have all my information backed up before I factory reset my phone, and I lost all my contacts and other important stuff.

Comment by Pennywyze on January 26, 2021 at 4:46am

This year has just gotten started, and it feels like it's already May. I try not to think about the "what ifs" when it comes to the people I lost because that's only going to drive me to drink. And I'm not a drinker.

Comment by Pennywyze on January 23, 2021 at 5:14pm

hi, all

Comment by Anon Dee on October 16, 2020 at 6:36pm

hi, i lost my whole family when i was 32. Now am 60 and alone and dont know how i got here.

Comment by dream moon JO B on August 17, 2020 at 4:51pm

so sorry joe had so mush lossss sien 2012 i hav dad deids dad dies evry thng seam 2 go doon hill aftr he died 

but 202020 i loss a frind 2 cov 19 my nbor 2 but did get 2 sy gudby 2 thes i cud not coz of cov19 restrcsn i no im ginna loss mof frins coz of cov19 coz 1s its got big c hav had tretmet csnseld cox of it frinds it cud of had ops cud of ssvd thm wil die coz of coz ofcov19 wish cud of savd th,i cnte vn sea a dr my lsf on rt coz my fignrs keepi  lockin or 2 sp thm goin in 2 spazemss 

Comment by Joe von Anjou on August 15, 2020 at 2:49pm

My brother was killed in a car accident decades ago. I was the first to try to identify him. What I saw has never left me. Over the years, I found a way to live with it.

Then, last April (2020), my mother died after a five year battle with vascular dementia. She was in a care home. I had not seen her in over a month because of the pandemic, but I talked to her over the care home's phone the Monday before she died. She was combative as usual. No indication she was going to die.

My mother died on a Friday.

For a month after my mother died, I was functional. Many things to do. Funeral had to be arranged, although date uncertain at the time (I was finally able to bury her in July.) Then, another nurse from the care home called to let me know I could pick up my mother's things. That nurse was on duty the Friday my mother died. She broke down and started crying over the phone. I tried to be as professional as I could, tried to tell her it was not her fault, tried to tell her to take care of herself and to watch out for vicarious/secondary traumatisation, which is a serious risk in the caring professions.

But, then, I just melted.

Some days ago, they had a trivia contest on the radio. I knew the answer to a question, so I called it. The host told me to stay on the line so they could get my details for the prize. I told the host that my mother died, so I don't deserve any prize. The host was silent for a minute, then said, "I still think you deserve a prize. My condolences."

That is where I am at. One second I am functional, the next, the memory creeps in. The worst part over every day is between deep sleep and waking up. I used to see my brother in that time. Now, I see the look of horror in my mother's eyes from the lastfive years as she sensed her faculties were going but could not say so out loud.

Then, I remember my mother is dead. This is the kick in the stomach I wake up to every morning. I try to exercise as much as I can to release endorphins to counter the kick in the stomach. It works like Tylenol. Temporarily.

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