kathleen akin
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  • Rock Springs, WY
  • United States
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Hi. New. Just found out my husband has liver cancer
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And was told he didn't have long. Only last week actually.I don't know how to go about this, posting this stuff and what not.I'm lost and it's hard and too soon and just typing this makes me want to…Continue

Tags: husband, dying

Started this discussion. Last reply by Delbert Jun 15, 2015.

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Welcome, kathleen akin!

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About Me:
My husband and I married late in life. I am 58 and he is 65. He has 1 son, I have a son and 2 daughters. We both grew up in CA but now live in SW Wyoming. He is a carpenter and I am an office assistant and a local college
About my Loss:
Husband Rocky, was given 6 month to live. Im already grieving all the loss to come. And loss right now due to his illness. Nothing will ever be the same and I know it.

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At 6:16pm on January 9, 2017, Carl accomando said…
Hi thanks for your comments we were married 43 years we met in school and I knew then she was the one.She lost her battle with cancer after a brave fight .I took care of her every day while she went through treatment.When she passed I got to lay with her and hold her as she went to someplace much better.I miss her so deeply words can't express the part of me that died with her.So I have to be here for my grandkids who were her life if not for them I would want to be with her now she would never forgive me if I didn't.
At 12:12am on December 8, 2016, kathleen akin said…
Having a bad day. Well, really a bad bunch of days. Might as well call it a bad bunch of weeks. I keep obsessing on the fact that Rocky is really and totally GONE from my life. Just gone. For the rest of my days. I don't know what has see me off so badly. I am missing him. My heart aches for the need of him. Literally it's pain and heavyness in my heart, like a physical thing!
My eyes flood constantly. If asked how I'm doing my face crumbles and it's not a pretty site.
My soul yearns for him, calls out for him!!! Just one last kiss, a look in his eyes, the sound of his voice, the smell of his neck and the feeling of his whiskers against my lips. I'm hanging onto these sensations as if my life depended on it, and it just might. What else do I have other than these things? My pain has become a real and physical sensation and I have no idea what to do with it.
Please come back to me...you are my most precious man, my heart and my soul. I am lost here. Please come back and find me. All I can do is wait. I'm waiting Rocky!! Please!!
At 8:46am on May 11, 2016, Fran said…
Kathleen,
I'm so sorry to see that Rocky is gone! I've been wondering how you and he were doing but was afraid to ask...and I haven't been on here as much as last year. I know you have a huge hole missing in your chest. Know that you did everything you could for him. Now you have to take care of yourself...and I'm the one calling the kettle black. Be kind to yourself.
At 9:16pm on May 7, 2016, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

I haven't been on in a long time. I'm so very sorry to hear about Rocky's passing. No matter how long you know it's coming, you are never ready for it. There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, but please know I care.

Sara

At 9:56pm on April 3, 2016, morgan said…

Oh Kathleen, I am sooo sorry.  You have been through the wringer with watching your love slowly fade away.  I wish there was anything to say or do to make this easier for you but I am still without answers myself.  Right now you are entering a very surreal place and you will find it impossible to believe where you are.   I would advise you to try to just do the basics.  Just the things you have to do because that will be more than enough.   Small steps to get through the hour.  Just an hour at a time.  Only what rises to the top of the crisis pile.  And that will include lots of crying.  But I think it is the body's way of relieving the mind of the battle that is going on because you will not understand this loss.  

Eat when you can.  I used to take showers when I knew I was going to cry hard because the water helped.  And I would sleep when I could wherever I fell asleep because it is too hard to keep to a routine but try to spend some time doing some of the things you used to.  

You have been here with us while Rocky was sick and I am sorry you are now coming here with the kind of news we all never want to hear.  My heart goes out to you because I know the pain you have and no one deserves this kind of pain.  We are here to help you through the grieving state you are entering and it will seem unimaginable but it is natural especially when we have loved someone as much as we all have.  No one will replace Rocky but you were loved and that is something many never get.  It was truly our gift from them.  Take care. 

morgan

At 1:37am on April 3, 2016, kathleen akin said…
Rocky died March 20th in my hands. I was alone with him and he went quickly. Now I'm alone and mostly lost and can't sleep at night
Thanks
At 12:01am on March 8, 2016, morgan said…

Kathleen,

Just tell Rocky over and over you love him.  He just needs to hear you say it.  Tell him that your love for him will not stop and that you will see him soon.  That none of this is anybodys fault and that you both did the best you could.  That he has been extremely courageous and you love him for that.

I wish for you the least amount of hurt that you will be enduring and please come here to us.  It is the place where we all know what this is like.  We can help you feel a bit less confused and helpless in this journey. 

Just tell him you love him.  The truth of that will set you both free.  

morgan

At 3:38pm on March 7, 2016, kathleen akin said…
Rocky is coming home from the hospital to die at home. Tomorrow morning. Hospice is getting a bed set up at our house today I hope. And the equipment to deliver pain meds. We've been here in the huntsman cancer hospital since last Friday. He started to bleed and they can't get it to stop so they just kept putting more in but that's all they can do. So once he goes home if he starts to bleed he will just bleed to death. And that's that. If feel numb right now but then I have my moment.
This is all so overwhelming and complicated. He is the one who took care of things and took care of me.
I can't stand this
At 10:56am on February 8, 2016, Fran said…

Hi Kathleen,

Just checking in to see how things are going. Haven't heard from you since before Christmas....You are in my thoughts and prayers....

At 3:54am on November 21, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

I had to be away for awhile. I just wasn't very good company. But...I'm worried about you. I don't see any recent posts.

At 1:07pm on September 27, 2015, Fran said…

Kathleen,

I haven't seen you on here, or heard from you lately. Are you ok? How's Rocky?

Just wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about you....

At 9:35pm on July 1, 2015, Erin said…

i didn't get a chance to say anything to my boyfriend Sean but every night I talk to him and ask him to please come and talk to me in my dreams. Tell me that you love me and that you are ok. I have had other dreams like that from people who have passed in my life. I remember 1 dream I had when he came through a window in a bedroom that I was standing in and he said I'm here. I turned to him and put my arms around him then I woke up. I am hoping I will see him soon in another dream.

At 11:50am on July 1, 2015, Richard G said…

Kathleen,

I'm am doing much better because of a book I read. It is called "Never Say Goodbye" by Patrick Mathews. He is a medium and I believe that 99 percent of mediums are fakes but from what I've been able to find out I believe that Patrick actually has the gift of being able to communicate with those who have passed. I think you would get a great deal of comfort out of the book.

At 7:22am on July 1, 2015, Lisa Y said…

Kathleen,

Every night I go to bed hoping it will happen again. My sister said maybe he was saying goodbye which might be true.  I believe our loved ones stay around for a little while.  I could feel my mom was still with me after she died, but I don't feel that anymore.  I miss my husband and life just feels so pointless without him.  I am just going through the motions until I can be with him again.

At 12:11pm on June 23, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

Please feel free to private message me anytime you want to vent. I would also be happy to give you my phone number as the nights are so hard, sometimes you just want someone to listen to you, I don't sleep well, I am still on the couch, so if you need someone to just listen, I'm up at all hours, and would be happy to just listen.

I know that everyone is telling you this, and just like me, you won't do it, but try and take care of yourself also. You can't take care of him if you get sick.

Thinking of you

Sara

At 12:08pm on June 23, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

I see that it cut me off, so I will hurry and finish this book to you. What I was saying is that I believe he choose to go when I wasn't in the room. Thank goodness that his sister and my sister were there.

I also don't regret one bit not letting anyone else take care of him. I was the only one that ever gave him his meds or did his tube feedings. I just told him that no one else was going to take care of him the way that I wanted him taken care of. But I remember being so tired, he needed his meds every 3 hours, and he had just gotten me a new german shepherd puppy because we had lost ours and he wanted me to have a big dog in the house, anyway between the two of them, I was exhausted. But I also understand that being home with them 24/7 isn't an option for most people. I am blessed that our niece has worked for us for 15 years and knows my job almost better than I do. She really stepped up and took over for me so that I could be home with him.

Through all of this, I guess I am saying, do and say what is right for you. Do you have any kind of I phone or Ipad or tablet. I know that you can download the kindle app and I could loan you the two books that I purchased. One of them really, really helped me during the last three days as I was much more prepared for what would happen. On Tuesday morning when the nurse told me to stop feeding him, I would of argued that I wasn't going to stop feeding him and make him feel like I was giving up, but reading the book I was aware that it was what was best for him.

At 12:02pm on June 23, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that I just went through it yesterday although Jim has been gone for 3 months. I think that I accepted long before Jim did that he was going to die. I shouldn't say accepted it, because I wanted to fight it as long as we could. I did think that it would of been a little easier if he had ever accepted it as we could of planned more than we did. There were about 3 times that he would break down completely and tell me that he did feel like he was going to die soon, and then after I got him calmed down we would talk about what he wanted me to do with our business and some of the vehicles that he had collected and built and etc. But up until two days before he died he still wanted to go to treatment and fight it. During those times that he would talk to me about what would happen if he did die, I would just cry and tell him that he had spent the last 37 years teaching me how to take care of myself, and that while I would miss him everyday, I would be okay. Not that it's true, sometimes I miss him so much I can't breathe. My husband was like the head of the whole family since his dad died when he was 9 leaving him with 4 younger brothers and sisters. His mom also died young, leaving him to deal with all of the family issues. He was also the most successful one in the family so everyone came to him with all of their problems, financial and otherwise. Jim was the big, strong "he-man" that worked 7 days a week, 18 hours a day so that he could help take care of everyone, and so that we could enjoy our retirement. But..at the end, he was really, really worried that he wasn't leaving me financially prepared. I finally had to write down for him all of the assets so that he would quit worrying. However, I do know that his sister and our attorney told me that I could draw on his social security at 59 for two years. Please check into that.

He had chemo for 13 months. While he did have some nasty side effects, we were lucky that he didn't ever get the nausea that a lot do. However, because he couldn't eat he lost an incredible amount of weight. When he was diagnosed he weighed 256lbs and when he passed he weighed 126. I was really angry with his doctor for not insisting that we put the feeding tube in much earlier than we did. Yes, Jim fought it and didn't want it. But the doctor was the one that knew what was going to happen and should have made him do it. We know two others that have been diagnosed with the same type of cancer and both had their feeding tubes put it within the first month, Jim didn't have his put in until 9 months into it and he had already lost over 100lbs. The worst parts for him was not being able to go to work. He had started building another hotrod and he wanted so badly to finish it. He didn't get to. And then of course not being able to eat. The ONLY good thing was that I didn't want to eat in front of him even though he kept telling me that it didn't bother him, I knew it did, so anyway, I lost the 20lbs that I wanted to lose. He would get so upset and say that he didn't want to leave me and the kids, I know that it did make him feel a little bit better on the Saturday before he passed our son, who is 29, told his dad that he didn't have to worry because "I promise dad, I will take care of mom", you could almost see some of the weight lift off of him. He worried so much about us.

For me....I had to start telling him goodbye early, without him really realizing that I was telling him goodbye. I was so afraid that it would sneak up on us and I wouldn't get to say everything to him that I wanted to say and that is exactly what happened. From Sunday morning until he passed away on Wed at noon he got worse than he had in the whole previous year. I still don't know what happened to make him go so quickly. I wasn't in the room when he passed, I had just left 2 minutes before to call our kids, but I think that he choos

At 7:42pm on June 18, 2015, Richard G said…

Kathleen,

We are planting a Japanese Lilac in Cherie's memory on Saturday. I have mixed emotions about the whole tree thing but that was what she wanted. I will be glad when the memorial party is over. 

When you mentioned getting a tattoo it reminded me that I thought about getting "DNR/DNI" tattooed on my chest. Just to make sure that no paramedics try to revive me.

I'm glad that you had a better day today. We all need days that are somewhat better or we would lose our minds.

At 7:06pm on June 18, 2015, Fran said…

Kathleen,

If Rocky wants off the meds, I would say go with it. I know you arent' ready to let him go, but, he's the one who knows how much he can tolerate. It isn't easy to make that decision. But, you KNOW how much he's suffering. You will have to be the strong one and stand up for him. I hate to say it, but, there is a lot to be said for the "quality" of life, not just life itself. Maybe even just a break from the meds. If you think he's depressed (and justifiably so) maybe they can start him on something...that's what we did with Bill. If I could wave a magic wand over the 2 of you I would!

At 4:26pm on June 17, 2015, Richard G said…

Hi kathleen, I was just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? I know the answer is not well but just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathleen akin's Blog

Regret

So I've been going through this stage of things wondering how I could have done things differently if I had known that Rocky would live only 1 year from the time of our first visit to the Dr at Huntsman. The Dr said "6 months to 2 years"  Rocky and I wondered "when does the clock start on that?"  It started that day, and one year later my Rocky died.

How I wish I had…

Continue

Posted on December 12, 2016 at 4:53pm — 4 Comments

Christmas lights

You know what's hard about this? I'm driving through my neighborhood and I see all the houses decked out. I see the tree inside and sometimes the people. Families enjoying the season.

Not me though. And I used to love this time of year. Even through all the Christmas's I was a single mom and lonely. I still got it together for my kids and that made it good for me.

But now I just look at these other people and it makes me feel incredibly alone and sad.

Why do I always end…

Continue

Posted on December 2, 2016 at 4:27pm — 4 Comments

Losing my loved one's pet

Bruno, my Frenchie, was Rocky's dog, even though he was supposed to be my dog. He bonded with Rocky though. And drove me crazy.

Now he's all I have of Rocky's. Like my last link. And he has cancer and heart disease and won't be long for this world. I pray that he will go straight to where ever Rocky is, so they can be together.

Then I will feel completely alone. There will be no one to greet me at the door. I have my birds, but it's not the same. Nothing is the same as a dog,…

Continue

Posted on November 29, 2016 at 4:18pm — 2 Comments

Asking the impossible to know questions

How long do you grieve for your someone?

How long is too long?

How is it that I feel so empty, as in no feeling. Dead inside?

I want to move on, but what steps to take?

Counseling ever actually work for anyone????

Why don't I FEEL him? He promised me he would watch over me. He's not.

Where are those doors that are supposed to be opening up for me?

Will I be able to move on and love again?

will it be any good or will I always compare…

Continue

Posted on June 14, 2016 at 5:30pm

 
 
 

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