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Comment by Avi on March 14, 2019 at 4:05am

Thanks for kind words Brett. Please let me know if I can call you someday on Skype. If yes, please share me your skype Id. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 14, 2019 at 1:04am

Yes, it is absolutely obvious that you are a loving son. And we all have our own stories. I know why I feel guilty but I do not pretend to know why anyone else here feels guilty, unless they tell us of course. And I want to be honest. I want to look at each person's situation like I look at my own, and I am my harshest critic. Avi, I believe you. If you say t hat there are things that you should have done differently, I believe you. It's not just a matter of not being perfect. Sometimes we do things that are just plain wrong. We know we were wrong, and no well meaning person can convince us that we were not wrong.

I was talking to my best friend recently. His mom is reaching the end of her life and he feels a lot of guilt because he lives in another state, has children, and work, and can't get home as much as he would like to. He feels guilty, and I know that he will feel even more guilty after she dies, but I also know how much his mom loves him, and that she understands, and the way she feels about him will not change one iota. That's kind of the reason why we are all here. We each experienced a level of unconditional love that perhaps only a mother could give.

Avi, I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of what kind of man you are, and if I know, I can guarantee you that your mom knew. You can live with that. The love between you and your mom was known and understood. Nothing can take that away. We all learn from our mistakes. If there is something that you feel badly about, learn from it, grow from it, remember those lessons if you are ever in a similar circumstance. It would be great to be able to go back in time and apply those lessons to our time with our moms. We can't. But remember that your mom couldn't love you more even if you had done everything perfectly. If you could ask my mom what kind of caretaker and son I was, I think she would tell you that I probably did the best I could, but I was a LONG way from perfect. But if you asked my mom if I loved her, the answer would have been a resounding yes. There's not much more that I could ask for. We say that we love someone warts and all. That works both ways. Our moms love us warts and all, too.

Comment by Avi on March 14, 2019 at 12:56am

Hi Adams, 

Circumstances were hostile because there were some personal issues happening which created hindrances in my mother's treatment. Also I used to be in panic due to which I shouted on her a lot for not following the protocols. I wanted to save her, was worried due to which I used to shout her if she misses to take some medicines etc. 

I wish she is in heaven or if she is in a new life then she gets a better son. 

Comment by M Adams on March 13, 2019 at 10:21pm

Avi, not sure what is meant by circumstances were hostile — are you referring to the stressfulness of the whole situation, or something more specific?  

Either way, I’m really sorry that you’re in such pain, and from what you’ve written here over the last months, I can tell that you are a loving son.  

Comment by Avi on March 12, 2019 at 12:24pm

1. Guilt- Not taking care of her enough. Leaving her for months as the circumstances were hostile. Shouting on her during her treatment. 

2. Regrets- Not talking to my mom enough when she was alive. Taking her for granted. 

I will live with these guilt and regrets through my life. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 2, 2019 at 1:56pm

Theresa, I'm trying as well, but this is something that my mom and I had talked about. Mom wanted me to go on with a smile on my face. If it had been me who had died, I know that it would have haunted my mom the same as her death is haunting me. 

Living your life is one thing. Being happy is something else. It remains to be seen if I can get that back. It's the unconditional love that cannot be replaced. And beyond that, people are like snowflakes, no two people are the same. My mom was my favorite person. There's no one else like her.

Comment by SelV on March 2, 2019 at 7:25am

1. Guilt- There were times when my mother drove me up the walls and I would raise my voice against her but I would always apologise to her afterwards and would reconcile with her. 

2. Regrets- The night before my mother passed on, I called my sister and had a discussion with her. I decided to take time off from work to take care of my mother full-time and change her diet as she was rejecting solid food. My mother was actually seated close by as I spoke with my sister. None of these plans materialised as she passed on the next day. 

3. Unconditional love and care- I miss that and only my mother could give that. 

Guilt, regrets and missing my mother's love - reasons why I do not feel better. 

Comment by Theresa on March 2, 2019 at 5:44am

Yes I still cry probably too much, but I do realize I have to go on and live my life, take care of my senior dog and keep going.

Sometimes it hits me really hard, I'll turn off the radio in the car and start talking to my mom, thinking my gosh days, months, years went by but everything is still fresh in my mind.  I go over things and question myself, why didn't I do this or why didn't I do that.  Too late, I guess I was in shock.  That was for about a year, in a fog.

I stopped practicing yoga, because I just don't feel like going, which I have to go back because mentally it was lifesaver for me.  In that studio the only thing on my mind was me, the mat and peace, and of course the 110 degree heat.

I read here everyday, I say to myself I know I get it, its hard it always will be for me, she was all I had, she was my strength.  

I remember many times her saying to me you have to live your life sweetheart.  

I'm trying mom......

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 1, 2019 at 10:45pm

I sure know that feeling. I was thinking about this today. I have faith that my mom is in heaven. And, yes I would rather be in heaven with my mom than be here. But here's the really sad things. Even if there is nothing after we die, I would prefer that to being without my mom.

I'm going to see my life through until my last natural breath, but I would honestly rather not be here. That's not the way it's suppose to be, but that's how I feel. I'm just here for my dog. When she's gone, I hope I will find another reason to get up in the morning.

Comment by SelV on March 1, 2019 at 7:01pm

The dawn of March...last two weeks of Mum's life on Earth. And grief became my companion thereafter. Half a century living with that woman who carried me in her womb and now life without her has become meaningless for me. Life without my mother, my best friend, my little world...is just mere existence in this big world. Functioning better does not equate to feeling better.  All I want is to be with my mother again. I am choking.

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