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Comment by Brett Bowman on Friday

I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon as I wake up in the morning I remember that mom is gone, my dog is elderly and blind, etc. I just don't understand. I just always have this hope that something is around the corner. And I do try. I don't sit around waiting for something good to happen, but I feel like it's beaten dog syndrome. I am used to bad things happening now. That's not a fun way to live. But I do have faith in God, and I hope and pray that he is walking with me on this journey.

Comment by M Adams on Friday

After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and compensate for all the sacrifices that come with loving and caring for someone with health issues.  Strange because I would also say that I never expected any kind of compensation and would get angry when people praised me for being a “caregiver” — I felt that to be an insult to my mother, and to my husband, and to the kind of relationships that we had.  Given all that it was quite a shock to recognize this hope for “something good” in me, because I definitely don’t believe that there is a personal deity watching me and rewarding my good actions.  Nor have I noticed that those around me in the world are disposed to be fair minded in terms of recognizing good deeds or sacrifices.  More the opposite, actually.  Still, I suddenly realized that on some level I was expecting something, at least some recognition of how “good” I have been ...however, like Brett, in the years since my beloved husband died, and now in the months without my sweet mother, I have lost steadily in every sphere of life.  Personal, professional, creative, domestic, emotional, whatever.  The demands on me now, the bleak future that is being mapped out for me, really make me feel hopeless.  I guess the only good thing in my situation is that I don’t believe that a deity is doing this to me for some punitive or corrective reason, any more than I believe that a deity wanted to take my mother away from me, or deprive me of my husband — such beliefs would make it even worse for me.  

Comment by Theresa on Friday

Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them.

My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue....

Comment by Brett Bowman on Friday

There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma would be looking out for me. The past three years without my mom has been horrible, one bad things after another. I don't understand. And while it hasn't challenged my faith in God, it has made me realize that I do not understand how God works. I just can't believe that after a 12 year battle with my mom's health, and all of the fear and trauma that came with it, that God would say, "Now I'm really going to kick his tail." It doesn't make sense. I am told that God loves us so much that he is sad when we are sad. I could make a list of setbacks that have occurred since my mom died. It just doesn't stop. The faith in me makes me believe that there is a reason for all of this. I just don't know what that reason is.

Comment by Avi on Wednesday

Thanks M adams and Brett. Will wait for that time when I get over the guilt. 

Starting my day with positive today. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on Tuesday

Avi, I agree with M. I'm not one to give advice because I have not conquered those guilty feelings either. I have a feeling, and that is all I can go by, that one day we will grow tired of beating ourselves up, and that's when we will take a greater step towards healing. Our moms know very well how much we love them.

Comment by M Adams on Tuesday

Avi, so good to hear that you can feel celebratory.  Engaging in life is important, it is something every parent wants for their child.  At the same time, I think in bereavement it’s hard to handle celebratory occasions because our emotions are so volatile and exacerbated.  There may be moments of beauty, then a crash into feelings of pointlessness, absurdity, resentment, whatever. That’s why I didn’t want to be bothered with my birthday this year, so close to my mother’s death, I just felt I couldn’t maintain composure and still get any joy from the experience.  And I’m tired of people tolerating my tears and sorrow, especially family members who just don’t share my feelings of loss.  In the end I was forced to do it and it was okay, but not joyful for me.  Ideally I think it’s better when you can decide what kind of events and celebrations are right for you, have some control ... but that’s not always workable.  Hope your little girl is brightening your days in this new year.

Comment by Avi on Tuesday

Hi All, 

Just returned from a small trip in India only. Whenever I celebrate, I feel guilty. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 11, 2019 at 2:33pm

I never thought that your mom wasn't tidy. When my mom got really sick, her ways didn't change. She would say, "How does the kitchen look?" I would tell her that it was fine, but she would say, "Get in there and clean it up." Even if it was clean I would make cleaning noises to appease her. Mom got a rumba vacuum cleaner because she couldn't vacuum every day anymore. It was adorable. Mom didn't understand modern technology. She would talk to it. After it made several passes in one room, mom would say to it, "Go on and get my room now." When the it ignored her she would say, "Now, you listen to me!! Git!!"

Comment by M Adams on January 11, 2019 at 1:51pm

Just to be clear, my mother also liked things kept tidy and despite her health issues made the bed every day, though not necessarily first thing.  I definitely didn’t mean to suggest that we got into an unmade bed to watch afternoon tv — she would not like that imputation at all!   

To my surprise, my determinedly undomesticated father has been making the bed every morning since my mother’s death.  He did occasionally help her change the bed and so on, but I never had the impression that he cared about beds being made.  Obviously he does now.

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