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Comment by Brett Bowman on May 14, 2019 at 10:50pm

Avi, I felt something very similar. After a year the pain and shock of mom's death had eased somewhat, but the guilt increased. I learned that grief is a process that has many different facets.

I am really amazed by the folks who seem to transition a lot more easily than I did. I really believe that so much of that has to do with their support system. I would imagine that having a loving wife and children would help. My mom was the center of my world. 

Comment by M Adams on May 14, 2019 at 8:19pm

Avi, these anniversaries are so hard and confusing.  My husband’s birthday was this Saturday, and Mother’s Day, the first since my dear mother died, was on the next day, Sunday.  A hard weekend to get through.  I want to honour these days with some gesture or ritual.  I planted the seeds from my mother’s memorial earlier in May and by Mother’s Day some have germinated. That was good to see, but I miss her so much and somehow keep imagining that i will hear from her, that she will call.  I suppose that feeling will gradually change and soften as months and years pass.  

Comment by Avi on May 14, 2019 at 1:36pm

Hi All, 

It is now 15 May in India, my mother's first death anniversary. The pain has decreased, life has moved on but the guilt has grown. 

I wish her rest in peace and all comfort in heaven. 

Comment by Sue Toler on May 14, 2019 at 10:12am

Betty, I am so sorry for your loss, but please don't blame yourself.  I lost my Mom two months ago.  The ads & treatments don't work for everyone.  My Mom had adverse reactions to medications.  You loved your Mom & you did what you felt like was best.  It is obvious that you loved your Mom, please don't feel guilty.  

Comment by Avi on May 14, 2019 at 9:33am

Hi Betty, 

I wish for your comfort as guilt is a tough emotion. I am sailing in the same ship as you. 

This is Avi from India. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 13, 2019 at 1:49pm

Betsy, this is a tough post to answer or respond to, because I know that you have already put yourself on trial and found yourself guilty. You are not going to be consoled now. You want people to tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you will argue with anyone who does. I'm in tremendous pain myself and I do not have the energy to fight with you.

I will tell you that there is nothing in the world sadistic about a DNR. More times than not it is merciful. When a person is that sick, what they need is more important than what we need. I needed for my mom to live. Her body would not allow that. Mom had a DNR. I miss her every day. It's horrible. I sure know that I didn't kill her though. If I hadn't given her water and food, or if I had laughed when she called out to me, that would have been killing her. Did you do that? I sincerely doubt it. 

Comment by Betty Ellsworth on May 13, 2019 at 10:11am

Whoever came up with dnr. Must have been a sadistic person.  I lost my mom over three ago.  Now I'm hearing ads of cures and treatments and now have the guilt.  I keep hear the words of the doctor that I was tying his hands and I was killing her and I would be condemn. To hell.  I cry every night and I know now the doctor was right I did kill her

Comment by M Adams on May 12, 2019 at 11:43am

This Mother’s Day I keep thinking about my mother’s gift of joy ...she had a very unusual ability to appreciate things, even the simplest things, and people, and events large or small, and thereby to create joy for those around her.

Despite the sadness of loss, hope you all are able to revisit some beautiful memories today.

Comment by Sue Toler on May 7, 2019 at 11:26am

Thank you, that is so true.  It hurts because I was blessed to have a wonderful Mom.  I know I will always miss her, 

Comment by M Adams on May 7, 2019 at 11:03am

Sue, we are in a similar situation — this is the first Mother’s Day without my mother for me as well.  My husband’s birthday often fell on Mother’s Day, which he liked, as he loved celebrations but didn’t like them to be very focused on him.  My mother had the same quirk, so it worked out well to have shared parties or a weekend of celebration.  Very different now, but I am trying to be grateful as well as sad.

The packet of seeds that I mentioned earlier has some writing on the back that seems relevant — will try to put a photo of it here.

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