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Comment by Danny on January 23, 2015 at 10:19am

Its tough as I start my second calendar year realizing its not the same and with some trigger dates coming up over the next few months.  But its important to be in a familiar location at this time at the very least so I plan on doing that.  Tough few months ahead with all the triggers but I am trying to hang on.

Comment by Catherine Cody on January 23, 2015 at 6:43am

My dad killed my mom a couple of months ago. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on

Comment by Danny on January 17, 2015 at 4:49am

My support to you Erik. It is indeed traumatic for you and a counselor who deals with PTSD may be good for you. Best,

Comment by Erik on January 16, 2015 at 3:57pm

September 20th 2009 I lost my Brother at the age of 36yrs. Of a Massive heart attack, we were so close and I was depressed for a long period of time. 5 years later October 31 2014 I lost my Mom at age 62 of a Massive heart attack as well. We were at a wedding and my mom and dad were dancing for about 45 Seconds when she collapsed, It's driving me crazy that I had pulled my video camera to record them dance and I recorded my mom collapse and hit her head on the floor, I threw my camera and ran to her but it was too late, and I am having trouble dealing with this, I miss her so much. Just wanted to share!

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on January 13, 2015 at 6:43pm

Sharon, my Mom died on December 8, too.  My birthday is January 8, so she died just exactly one month before my birthday.  That day was so horrible that I think my mind tries to block it, because it seems the only way I can remember that date is that I remind myself that it is exactly one month before my birthday.  December 8 is a horrible day now, for both of us I'm sure.  And, I know what you mean about talking to her every day - I talked to my Mom every day too.  When I told my sister-in-law that I had tried to call my Mom when I was on my way to see Jan, she said that I should just talk to my Mom, because she can still hear me.  So, maybe you can still talk to your Mom about the peri-menopause.  I know it's hard to talk though and not get an answer, but there is some comfort in thinking they can hear us.

Casey, thank your for your supportive words.  Yes, I am tired.  I know how you feel - it is hard to believe that we woke up the next morning and the world was still as it always was - the sun was shining, our job was waiting, we went to the same grocery store - but she isn't here.  All you can do sometimes is keep breathing when you loose someone you love that much.

Thank you all for your support.

Comment by sharon eve tingler on January 13, 2015 at 6:21pm

my mom just turned 72 on October 2nd
she passed on Dec 8 on Dec 9 mom and dad would have been married 53yrs

Comment by Casey on January 13, 2015 at 6:13pm

my mom was 56 when she passed away, I miss her so much.

Comment by sharon eve tingler on January 13, 2015 at 5:39pm

I'm really missing my mommy
I would talk to her everyday sometimes more than once. I will be 50 on the 18th of feb and now I don't have her to talk about with perimenopause and menopause :-(

Comment by Casey on January 13, 2015 at 5:18pm

 Storyas Fawnfeather

You must be under so much stress , caring for so many people.  I feel the same way you do about my mother.  Everyday, I have to try my hardest to live with this heartache. I don't know anything anymore. I just keep breathing.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on January 12, 2015 at 10:03pm

Well, I haven't been on for a while, because I became a caregiver again.  I lost my Mom actually a few yeas ago on December 8 and joined this group to help me deal with it.  I always said that the look on the girl's face who is holding the sign that says I Miss You Mom that is the picture for this group says it all.  I look in her eyes and I know those eyes - they are mine.  I look at the tightness in her features and around her mouth - and I know that expression - it is mine.  I still miss my Mom.

Since she died, I took care of my Dad and watched him die.  Then, recently I began to help take care of - well caregiver is too big a word as I didn't really do that this time around like I did for my Mom and Dad (I guess I've been a caregiver for so long I get so used to being called that that I use the term too loosely).  I wasn't really a caregiver this time - I just spent as much time as my car would get me back and forth going to visit my husband's step-mom who was also one of my best friends while she died of a brain tumor.  She died in November.  I am sad.

Well, this last week I found out that my aunt Rosemary died while I was busy with Jan and no one told me.  When things settled down with Jan I wrote a letter to Rosemary and got a letter back from her husband telling me she had died.  Then, I got a returned Christmas card from my Aunt Deretha and when I went looking on google for her new address I found out that her daughter, my cousin, Lisa had died.  And, I still can't find where my Aunt Deretha moved to - maybe this hit her so hard she is in assisted living some place but so much of my family is gone now that I'm not really getting notified, which I can understand.

And, during the years I was taking care of my Dad I lost several other relatives, with my Uncle Tommy, my Dad's brother, being the one I was most sad to hear about.  And, right before my Mom died three uncles died in a row with my Uncle Ed being the one I was most sad about.  So, it has been a lot of losses.  I think I'm okay, but I am sad.  And, I figure loosing this many people that maybe I should get back on here and talk about it and make sure I'm okay.

But the reason I got on this group is that I realized of all of them I miss my Mom the most and then my Dad the second most.  The day Jan was dying, I was in the car driving to Xenia to try to see her and she died before I got there.  I knew I was racing the clock, and I was upset.  Do you know what I did?  I picked up the phone to call my Mom about how I was feeling, and then I realized my Mom was dead.  Why did I pick up the phone to call her when I knew she was dead.  And, then the grief over loosing her came back but after all of these losses I've learned to get it back in check and not let it take me over.  But, I realized I still miss my Mom and probably still miss her for two reasons:  1) she was the most functional person in my family and my best friend and the one I loved the most above all people I've known on this planet, and 2) I've had to rush from her death to caregiving to another death and other deaths and to trying to be there for Jan and then another death and then two more deaths right after Jan and I thought, "Of course you are still grieving your Mom - you haven't had time to really grieve her loss yet."

So, here I am again with my sad story. Sorry for bringing everyone down.  And, don't worry - I'm okay.  I'm sad.  I'm a little numb.  But, I'm okay - or at least as okay as anyone could be in this situation.  I just thought it might be a good idea to talk and read what others are saying and learn from what others are going through.

Thank you for listening.

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