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morgan's Discussions

ON a scale of 1 to 10
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I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25, 2017.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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morgan's Page

Latest Activity

morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me. Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles…"
Sep 9
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John T,   I saw your post late late last night.  I see you are still doing your best to cope. I remember a time that I wasn't even coping. I was barely standing.  After six years seven months I have become anesthetized.…"
Sep 8
morgan left a comment for Maria
"Maria,   My heart goes out to you.  Alzheimers is a devastating long term drawn out disease to watch as our loved one loses contact with reality.  I lived it out with my mom.  It took seven and half years. And some of the…"
Sep 3
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 2Linda, yes and yes, I "laugh on the outside and cry on the inside".  And the laugh (or just plain conversation) is just part of how I cope for when I have to be around others.  But it means nothing.  It’s like we…"
Aug 19
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 1 Bless you and thanks to each one of you who keep writing about how you feel and how you cope.  I always feel support knowing I am not alone.  What I don't get (and not that any one of us can give it) is the answer to how I can…"
Aug 19
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Please somebody, tell me how I can continue to do this.  I am so depressed.  I get up every day and pretend.  It's what is making me so depressed.  It looks like I am functioning so normally.  Now that I have learned…"
Aug 18
morgan left a comment for Chanzy
"You know what is helpful about this site?  Its when you hear that the experiences you have had are not isolated or abnormal.  I had yet to read anyone talk about how the lack of communication at the end was losing appetite, confused and…"
Jul 26
morgan commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Michael,   Wish I had an answer to: "just how are we Widows and Widowers supposed to pick up the pieces. ? I am battling my emotions every day, the mood swings are awful.." I am not sure if I am really picking up the pieces.…"
Jul 9
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John, The honesty we share here is of comfort considering we live in a hellish place. Death (or for me any kind of loss) provokes memories of what I had with my husband.  I too had my younger brother die at the age of 54 two years ago and it…"
Jul 7
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I just read the post on caregiving.....Even though my "caregiving" wasnt for long the loss makes my life not worth living...... "
Jun 30
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John, Haven't heard from you in quite awhile.  Guess you've been having another round of death grief that like most, is just another guilt ridden, overwhelming bout with the universe.   About three plus years after my husband…"
Jun 27
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Robin, thank you.  Bluebird was the honesty that i discovered on this site that made it possible for me to express what I go through.  Several others who write let me know too.  I tend to reach out here, particularly when I am…"
Jun 22
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I really don't know what to say to all the newer people who come here looking for help and comfort because I have struggled for years. I did find an article written by a psychotherapist just the other day that made some sense to me about the…"
Jun 22
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Another day, another breakdown.  Going through the motions.  Working like crazy so I can put enough into place so I can pull back a little bit and still pay the bills.  Why?  Because I am alive.  Does it matter?  No,…"
Jun 19
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Haven't been writing recently as have had so much to organize in my life I just haven't had a moment and when I do I am so tired.  So grateful to everyone else who continues to write though.  I look here daily to read.…"
Jun 14
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
" I was trying to put something together to write and I just am lost.  I just can't find the energy to communicate how devastated and debilitated my life has been since my husband's death.  I've been too busy trying to…"
Jun 9

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (53 comments)

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At 8:03pm on April 19, 2019, Jennifer said…
Thanks Morgan for commenting on my profile page. Wow...What u described that u go through every day of every year is exactly how I feel. I lost my girlfriend/fiance of 5 years to suicide. I know without a doubt in my mind that she is my soul mate so when she left this world it felt like half of me died with her. Everyone blamed me because she was depressed and missed me while i was gone for a month visiting my kids in another state. I didnt come back home in time. Was it my fault? Yes it was and thats the prison sentence/punishment I have to live with for the rest of my life. I wake up every day dreading just gettin out of bed and enduring another day without my soul mate. The tears the crying sobbing always come without fail every day when i find myself alone so no one can see me cry. it will be 2 years in july and it feels like everyone around me expects me to just be over this so i walk around pretending i am ok put on a fake smile but deep down inside I am not okay. There are moments all the time when i think about quitting life the same way she did so I could finally be with her and ive come close too close to doing just that but something always stops me... My kids. I cant do that to them.... I wouldnt want my children to feel all this pain i feel now. Staying alive is my only option. It feels like a prison all of this misery and the loneliness...omg the loneliness is so heartwrenching i feel like its killing me slowly. I will never be the same again.
At 8:24am on January 21, 2019, Trina Mamoon said…
Dear morgan,
I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth very little; we continue living only because we do and not because we want to. I am sending you good thoughts and hope that you can make it through the day somehow.
I am in Bangladesh now, and it is already the 21st here, and I have been thinking of you since yesterday.
Hugs, Trina
At 6:53am on January 21, 2019, Brenda Ann said…

Dear Morgan,

You said, ”What the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.”  I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find an answers. 

I have found answers to these questions and many more big questions of life. Where I have found satisfying answer to the questions is on the www.jw.org website. A Bible writer said to God, ““Give me understanding . . . Your word is truth.”​—Psalm 119:144, 160. The Bible is providing answers for millions of people. Would you like to be one of them? The jw.org® website can help you.

At 12:39pm on December 26, 2018, Corinne C. Rico said…

Morgan, I didn't see your comment because I think I messed up posting my comment ontop of Jon-Pauls, I apolgize, new here and just getting to know how things work. I am not going to wish anyone Happy Holidays, or a Merry Christmas because I can see by reading everyones posts, we all felt the same.  Dreading New Years the most actually, my birthday and Christmas were brutal, but to welcome in a New Year?  Thank you for your understanding and relating to what I wrote.  I will continue to keep all of you, including myself in my daily prayers.

At 10:22pm on August 27, 2018, Linda said…

Dear Morgan, thank you so much for your kind and honest words.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, that alone gives me sustenance to get through another day.  Blessed be.  Linda

At 12:56pm on June 23, 2018, Mike H. said…

Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike

At 1:52am on April 20, 2018, Virginia G said…

Morgan,

thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

At 6:38am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

At 6:36am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain

crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.   

At 1:52pm on December 13, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

Morgan's Blog

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was…

Continue

Posted on March 29, 2018 at 11:37pm — 3 Comments

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Profile IconLaura and Jessica joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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Jessica updated their profile
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Analucia posted a status
"It still hurts"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi, Avi. I hope that we are all doing great as well. That's a lot to hope for. When I first lost my mom, the idea of doing great seemed impossible, and it still seems like it is an incredibly hard task. I think of what we are experiencing now…"
Saturday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi AllHope you all are doing great. I felt really discomfort yesterday, not sure why. I remembered my mother and talked to her, felt better. Sometimes I feel she is around. "
Saturday
Matthew updated their profile
Wednesday
Matthew is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Wednesday
dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"evry now agan i still loss my way i do"
Sep 12
Kim Darichuk is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sep 11
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Today we Remember 9/11. I can't even imagine the terror and heartbreak the families must still have. Losing my Husband Julian under normal circumstances was bad enough.  God Bless all the people that still suffer from this horrible…"
Sep 11
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Dear Morgan, Thanks so very much for your supportive letter. Sorry i didn't see it before. I replied to it just now, Sending you love and good wishes."
Sep 10
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you friends for sharing your thoughts. I don't know what I do, if I didn't have this place to come to. We are all suffering and the real world just doesn't understand what we are going through. I miss the tender touch of my…"
Sep 10
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have nothing that I want to or have to, to keep me busy except doing what I'm doing which has to have something to do with Her.  Like yesterday, I found a small  3/4 X 2 1/2 inch bottle with a cork when I went to the dollar store…"
Sep 9
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me. Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles…"
Sep 9
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello All, I am sorry that I have not posted here for a while now to show my support for you. On August 4th it was the fifth anniversary of Joseph's passing. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore to keep pushing to survive each…"
Sep 9
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in the 19th month and don't know what to say, except that the only time I'm not living this horrible nightmare is when I sleep and don't dream at all.  Even when I post in a way to try to console anyone here, in a way,…"
Sep 9
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Once again I want to Thank You for sharing you thoughts with us. You put into words the things I don't know how to express."
Sep 9
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I don't mean to be a downer, but I am not sure there is an end to our grief. I know mine is still going strong. I wish the good things in my life were as consistent as this is. We have to keep moving though. Keep taking baby steps. Assay…"
Sep 8
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John T,   I saw your post late late last night.  I see you are still doing your best to cope. I remember a time that I wasn't even coping. I was barely standing.  After six years seven months I have become anesthetized.…"
Sep 8
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All, Today I suddenly had grief all over the day. I miss my mother a lot and it seems that there is no end to this grief. Hope I meet her someday when I leave this world.  Just wanted to share my feelings here because people around me…"
Sep 8

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