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morgan's Discussions

ON a scale of 1 to 10
1 Reply

I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25, 2017.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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morgan's Page

Latest Activity

morgan left a comment for Curtis Clark
"Thank you for placing the link to your film.  Admittedly it brought me to tears.  And you are right.  It is regret for all the things I should have said or might have said or all the things I still wanted time to be able to say.…"
Nov 14, 2021
Mannion13 left a comment for morgan
"Thank you for your heart felt message"
May 17, 2021
morgan left a comment for Joseph Dubin
"Joseph, I have spent much of my grief after 35 years of marriage trying to understand how I could be so devastated. The pain has gotten a less frequent but not much less intense when it hits. I came here on this site for years and commiserated with…"
Aug 24, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Wise words in response to Elynn, Joe. And Ellyn, I have the same routine and feelings. I scream along working to reestablish myself in a new location which has taken me the last three years out of the seven plus that he has been gone. Then I keep…"
Jul 7, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It's all too hard. Today my husband would have turned 71. In a way I think that number has me thinking that I am able to say to myself "well, over 70 it's borrowed time". So I've lived the seven and half years to get this…"
Jun 25, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I don't know about the rest of you but this being alone without the love of my life is getting harder not easier.  Yesterday I pulled out my will.  I seem to be less able to withstand the buffeting of everyday forces.  It's…"
Jun 13, 2020
morgan left a comment for Mike
"Mike, There is nothing about grief that is easy.  I speak from experience.  I knew my husband since 2nd grade, was his high school sweetheart and didn't realize then what I did ten years later and then we were together again for 35.…"
Jun 9, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, I missed your post on Babie J.  Oh my, I am so sorry.  The sweetest unconditional love that a pet gives us is a gift that we never forget.  I lost our kitty cat a year and half after my husband died and it was grueling.  I…"
May 17, 2020
morgan commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
"Thanks for checking in Mel.  I had to look up aphasia.  I would hazard a guess that your neural system has taken a beating from your grief and your brain just wants to shut down.  I know I have times where I stutter during a breakdown…"
Feb 22, 2020
morgan left a comment for Susan Bishop
"Susan B,  I am so sorry.  To try and live without that person who was by your side for 52 years is a living nightmare.  I had 35 married years but 55 of knowing him (since second grade).  That much history buries the person left…"
Feb 22, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Amen Linda.......Today for whatever reason was a particularly rough day.  I am exhausted from crying.   I just don't know how long I can keep pushing forward.  I am definitely in the hate mode......."
Feb 21, 2020
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Jeff,  Amazing isn't it?  I keep asking myself how it is I could still hurt so much from having my husband no longer with me on this earthly plane.  Not because I don't know it isn't possible but more, what is it that…"
Feb 20, 2020
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you bluebird for always encapsulating the horror movie we live in in a way that is gentle but firm.  I can only nod my head in agreement with each of the points you made because I am so exhausted by trying to explain this widowing to…"
Feb 18, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jen,  I agree. I would hate to waste all this suffering if it screws up my transit and reunion with the other half of my soul but how much is one person supposed to endure?  I am a blinkered mess. I look like I function to others as I have…"
Feb 11, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I don't want to live without him anymore.  "
Feb 10, 2020
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda & M Adams.....Very timely posts.  I came online to check and her you were. Not more than an hour ago I had another major meltdown and it had been about 3-4 days ( I lose count) since my last one which was a feat and of itself.…"
Feb 1, 2020

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (55 comments)

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At 12:41pm on May 17, 2021, Mannion13 said…

Thank you for your heart felt message

At 3:09pm on January 11, 2020, Rick Rilloraza said…

Yes I still miss her terribly.  I am still sad and angry.  I was left with two boys ages 12 and 8 at that time.  What kept me going was making sure they were provided for and raised well.  I still have full on bawls when the triggers hit or sometimes they just happen.  Something has been going on with me the past couple of years.  I'm not sure what it is.  Maybe it's because my older son left for college 3 years ago and my younger son will be leaving for college this year.  I don't k now.

At 8:03pm on April 19, 2019, Jennifer said…
Thanks Morgan for commenting on my profile page. Wow...What u described that u go through every day of every year is exactly how I feel. I lost my girlfriend/fiance of 5 years to suicide. I know without a doubt in my mind that she is my soul mate so when she left this world it felt like half of me died with her. Everyone blamed me because she was depressed and missed me while i was gone for a month visiting my kids in another state. I didnt come back home in time. Was it my fault? Yes it was and thats the prison sentence/punishment I have to live with for the rest of my life. I wake up every day dreading just gettin out of bed and enduring another day without my soul mate. The tears the crying sobbing always come without fail every day when i find myself alone so no one can see me cry. it will be 2 years in july and it feels like everyone around me expects me to just be over this so i walk around pretending i am ok put on a fake smile but deep down inside I am not okay. There are moments all the time when i think about quitting life the same way she did so I could finally be with her and ive come close too close to doing just that but something always stops me... My kids. I cant do that to them.... I wouldnt want my children to feel all this pain i feel now. Staying alive is my only option. It feels like a prison all of this misery and the loneliness...omg the loneliness is so heartwrenching i feel like its killing me slowly. I will never be the same again.
At 8:24am on January 21, 2019, Trina Mamoon said…
Dear morgan,
I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth very little; we continue living only because we do and not because we want to. I am sending you good thoughts and hope that you can make it through the day somehow.
I am in Bangladesh now, and it is already the 21st here, and I have been thinking of you since yesterday.
Hugs, Trina
At 6:53am on January 21, 2019, Brenda Ann said…

Dear Morgan,

You said, ”What the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.”  I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find an answers. 

I have found answers to these questions and many more big questions of life. Where I have found satisfying answer to the questions is on the website. A Bible writer said to God, ““Give me understanding . . . Your word is truth.”​—Psalm 119:144, 160. The Bible is providing answers for millions of people. Would you like to be one of them? The® website can help you.

At 12:39pm on December 26, 2018, Corinne C. Rico said…

Morgan, I didn't see your comment because I think I messed up posting my comment ontop of Jon-Pauls, I apolgize, new here and just getting to know how things work. I am not going to wish anyone Happy Holidays, or a Merry Christmas because I can see by reading everyones posts, we all felt the same.  Dreading New Years the most actually, my birthday and Christmas were brutal, but to welcome in a New Year?  Thank you for your understanding and relating to what I wrote.  I will continue to keep all of you, including myself in my daily prayers.

At 10:22pm on August 27, 2018, Linda said…

Dear Morgan, thank you so much for your kind and honest words.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, that alone gives me sustenance to get through another day.  Blessed be.  Linda

At 12:56pm on June 23, 2018, Mike H. said…

Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike

At 1:52am on April 20, 2018, Virginia G said…


thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

At 6:38am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

Morgan's Blog

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was…


Posted on March 29, 2018 at 11:37pm — 3 Comments

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…


Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th


I can’t even begin to explain how another…


Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm



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dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"As a card and a medium I should not be mad at God but I am very mad at god the way things have been going on in my life where my sister suffered of cancer and died of cancer by the God do this to a person it was a good person yes whatever arguments…"
Jun 5
dream moon JO B joined HollowHeart's group

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
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To serve people at their need– it's all we do. We strive to set the highest standards for the funeral profession in terms of client service and care for the deceased. We help people through one of the most difficult times in their lives with compassion, respect, openness and care.See More
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