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ON a scale of 1 to 10
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I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird,  I find myself wanting to kick over tables or throw something hard at times and yet my old catholic upbringing kicks in and disallows me to act out but I get the same feelings.  In the beginning I used to kick a cardboard box a…"
yesterday
morgan replied to Ashley Lounsbury's discussion I lost my daddy to suicide.
"I really don't know what to say Ashley.  I'm so sorry.  There is some kind of weirdness in this universe that seems to have its way with us when we are not at all prepared for how to handle it.  Death by any means is hard to…"
yesterday

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (41 comments)

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At 8:44pm on June 30, 2017, JenShep said…

Hi Morgan,

I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group.  I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall.  27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful.  I thought my 5 months was short.  And it was. But, 27 days?  I don't know what to think about the shortness of time.  I wish I had gotten 5 more years with my love, or 10, or 20!  I wish I was 53 as I was writing this and not 43.  I can't imagine living God knows how many more years are in store for me.  Why can't my life be taken instead of splitting up another soulmate couple? Why can't we go with our loves? Life is so damn unfair.  My husband and I never really spoke about the possibility of his dying.  The only time it really came up was right when he was diagnosed and he said (while crying) "I'm not afraid of dying but I can't leave you." We were convinced that we would be the 1%.  I wonder if he was keeping his feelings from me to protect me or if he truly thought he would kick the cancer, as I did.  Did you and your love talk about the possibility of his dying and leaving you?  It's one of those things that I really need from him.  I need to know what he thinks of this whole thing. I wish we had made some plans or something - like signs he would leave me or wishes he had for me for my future.  He always said that if anything ever happened to me that he would take his life.  I feel guilty that I haven't.  Does that mean I love him less?  I wonder what he would have wanted for my life.  Answers I'll never know.  It sucks.  

At 4:39am on April 4, 2017, Karen Schell said…

Hi Morgan, Thanks for your post. Yes, i would agree with that. Life is so empty and meaning is gone from our world when our love in no longer here in this life with us. It all seems so futile.

You take care too, ((((Hugs))))

At 11:21pm on March 28, 2017, Brian P Mulkerne said…

Hi Morgan, thanks for writing me, I appreciate it. Please see the video I posted. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35E7cin_bs0

At 11:31pm on December 8, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Thank you for the thoughtful words I will try to take the advise of those who have been there
At 12:45pm on July 2, 2016, Steve F said…

Dear Morgan,

I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve

At 12:41am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
I apologize for the double post.
At 12:40am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
At 11:54am on June 3, 2016, Steve F said…

Morgan,

Don't know where in this world you live so I don't know if the midnight date-mark on your e-mail means it was sent late at night. I have always been a late-night person and cannot fall asleep since losing my spouse until about 3:00 AM. I fall asleep each night crying and knowing that I will awake, once again, in the AM totally alone.

I will try to follow your advice to ignore the bastards of the world who seek to do me harm. We have enough on our plates with grieving to bother with their nastiness. Still must question if most people are so inherently evil that they will go out of their way to actively hurt us and why.

I envy that you knew your spouse since the 2nd grade. I did not meet mine until I was 23 1/2 but we had 53 years of great happiness together and I am grateful for that. Never knew of hatred or animosity when my beloved was alive. Perhaps I was blinded by love and did not see what really existed. I despair of the devisiveness and animosity that now pervades our current politics. I came of age in the days of "Camelot"; the JFK years of the 60's when there was great hope for a golden future. And my love and I enjoyed many golden years together. We had a city apartment and country home and in retirement we spent time in both as the mood struck us.

So I am appreciative of the many years of joy we had and am reassured that I will someday, once, again, be by my beloved's side. Our spouses now only exist in our memories and when we are gone, they too will totally disappear from this world. But our spirits will be eternally rejoined.

Stay strong...

Steve

At 10:49am on June 2, 2016, Steve F said…

You're insightful in your analysis of  people. But it's not easy to ignore them. When my love was alive I never faced such deceit and can't fathom why it is happening now that he is gone.  I look for some logic for their actions and cannot find any. Why has all this surfaced at this very late point in my life? What is there that instigates such nastiness?

My nephew and godson said he'll no longer drive me to my beloved’s cemetery and that my love will be “glad he no longer has to listen to me whine about my loss” at his grave site. What provokes such hate as to cause my nephew to judge our relationship and determine what my love would think?

Friends have determined that I, of a different faith than my beloved, did not provide a proper Roman Catholic Wake and Funeral Mass or bury him in a consecrated Catholic cemetery. My love and I entrusted our livesw and eternal souls to each other and long-ago after founding we were abandoned by our religions. Who are they to preach what is proper in where and how we are to be buried?

An elderly widow I befriended when her husband and my spouse both briefly shared a hospital room for Leukemia shortly before her husband of of 60 years passed away irrationally and suddenly told me I was a hateful person and shuns me.  Until this we had so much in common and became fast friends; going to theatre, museums and films. What instigated this?

Steve

 

At 7:35pm on May 31, 2016, Steve F said…

Hi Morgan,

"You have been catapulted into a different universe now.   You only will try to participate in the old one but you no longer "live" there.  I constantly have to try and tell myself my lover is still with me and as hard as that is it is all I've got.  Other than that I just manage the days."

You have captured the essence of my grief and loneliness in those very concise and poetic lines. No one has come even close to understanding what I am going through, except you, after a wonderful lifetime with my first and only love of 53 years. I thank you for your insight.

But the loss of my spouse is not my only problem. I also face  cruel abandonment by family and supposed friends; the latter of which have publicly chastised me on an Internet blog for not providing my spouse the Wake and Mass of Mother Church which they deem proper. So they shun me, and sit in judgment of me in spite of the fact that I arranged for the graveside burial in a non-denominational cemetery my spouse and I jointly and specifically selected shortly before his passing. It resolved a whole series of legal, social and religious issues. It is where where we will rest, for eternity, side by side. My love had entrusted me with his life and eternal soul, as I did with him, and no one has the right to question that. Their hatred is like a cancer which will ultimately consume them.

Thank you agin for you underastanding, Steve

Morgan's Blog

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

Spam has beaten me up too bad

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

Posted on August 26, 2015 at 7:42pm — 2 Comments

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Profile Iconkiran singh, Cheyenne Steffen, Emma Milner and 3 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
2 hours ago
Michaela waldier commented on Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group Traumatic, Sudden Loss
"Well, the finality of it all has set in;recieved my hunni's ashes and death cert finally from Alaska.He's been gone 9 weeks. Im no longer angry,im moving towards finding a happy medium, didnt have the luxery of laying around in defeat,have…"
15 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I was so glad that I was able to do everything my mom needed as a caretaker but that did not make her death any easier. I still lost her. I still have the finality of death in my mind that hits me every day like a sledge hammer. And it's the…"
19 hours ago
Lisa Green commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett,  Life is so hard and it's definitely not fair. No one should ever have to lose their Mom at any age.  My mom has been gone for 20 months and I still miss her terribly and I do still talk to her out loud in my car. It makes me…"
20 hours ago
Louise joined Desiree's group
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When will the ache subside?

A group for people who have lost loved ones with prolonged suffering. For those of us who have seen that the end is coming, and had to watch the ones we love creep toward it.
20 hours ago
Louise replied to Ashley Lounsbury's discussion I lost my daddy to suicide.
"I’m so sorry Ashley, your situation sounds truly horrendous, life seems so unfair. My husband died from suicide on 29/30 September; I have the uncertainty because he disappeared for a night and wasn’t found until the next day, so…"
20 hours ago
Louise posted a blog post

Does Counselling Really Help?

I’ve not been on here for a while, it’s been so hard just trying to get through the days; keeping myself busy, trying desperately hard not to think about things and often failing miserably. I’m so tired of feeling so shitty all the time. I had my first session with a counsellor today, after feeling initially nervous and not wanting to say much everything came out and I cried like a baby. I feel absolutely drained now and very emotional. So my question is this, does counselling really help or…See More
20 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, I feel the same as you it has been 4 years 3 months my wonderful husband died. I wish God would just take me. All I am is a zombie walking around in this hell. Linda   "
22 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
""All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better." Morgan's words, simple yet so profound,…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird,  I find myself wanting to kick over tables or throw something hard at times and yet my old catholic upbringing kicks in and disallows me to act out but I get the same feelings.  In the beginning I used to kick a cardboard box a…"
yesterday
morgan replied to Ashley Lounsbury's discussion I lost my daddy to suicide.
"I really don't know what to say Ashley.  I'm so sorry.  There is some kind of weirdness in this universe that seems to have its way with us when we are not at all prepared for how to handle it.  Death by any means is hard to…"
yesterday
Ashley Lounsbury posted a discussion

I lost my daddy to suicide.

My daddy was a us navy veteran who brutually killed himself on September 27, 2017 at the age of 51.My Daddy had become really emotionally sick in recent years. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Which of course he didn't believe because he thought that was the Va trying to control him. He became really hard to be around as he has these crazy conspiracy theories and he heard and saw things that didn't exist that proved to him he was right. Then he started believing people were out to…See More
yesterday
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm the same way bluebird"
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"And along with being incredibly sad all the time, I am also very angry, all the time.  Right now I want to jump out of my fucking skin, I want to punch everything, I want to yell and scream. I can't even contain this level of anger;…"
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Absolutely, Paul.  We do not deserve to live in this hell."
yesterday
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"bluebird, As bad as I feel now, I do not look forward to the holidays as this will be the first holiday season without my beloved wife. We also met on a New Year's Eve and I am really dreading that day. I can't see myself lasting years on…"
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Same here; I feel just like morgan and everyone else. My husband died five years ago, and my "life" is no better -- in many ways, it is worse, both as a result of his death and due to other factors.  For me, the pain of his death, of…"
yesterday
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This seems to be an especially hard time for a lot of us lately. I feel exactly the same way as the previous 4 posters."
yesterday
Marine Marietta posted a group
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Elderley Abuse Mum died

I lost my mum in September. She was subject to elderly abuse by my older sister. I dont know where to start from. The anger and rage I have for my elder sister, its not funny. I try to get the vision out of my head, and how she treated my mother. The pain is excruciating that i feel, I need to join my mother. I spent a week in the crises centre. I hope this grief and anger passes.Question: how do I accept or come to terms with the matter.I do have evidence supported by my other siblings. The…See More
yesterday
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Letter to My Nancy #602 one of my daily letters to my lady

I began writing one of these each day, beginning December 2015 to ease my grief and start each day with some hope and joy. The hope and joy would last for awhile and then I would be back in the throes of deep, dark misery. I recommend these emails that are never sent as excellent therapy. I have written 602 of them in the 2 and  a half years since I lost my Nancy. Here is today's letter to Nancy. Letter to My Nancy  602   Sun., Oct 15th, 2017   without youGood Sun afternoon my other half. My…See More
yesterday

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