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ON a scale of 1 to 10
1 Reply

I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
1 Reply

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Mori Feb 3, 2016.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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Latest Activity

morgan left a comment for Mary
"Mary, You have perfectly expressed the suffering of all of us who come here and are trying to manage.  How do we have any hope or get through a day?  No one has an answer.  We all just take baby steps towards what a day might hold.…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Louise's blog post Can't cope
"Louise,  Just  keep trying.  Baby steps.  Thats all any of us can do.  We keep trying to get through another day because there is only one other option which is not really desirable.  Do you have anyone who really…"
yesterday
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND in the group Lost My Spouse...
"  Richard, I want to start by saying that you too are lucky. Not in the way it sounds but I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when you wrote that unemployment came through.  It’s as though it’s some kind of wonderful sign…"
Sunday
morgan updated their profile
Saturday
morgan replied to Maxey's discussion Main Ingredient Missing in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I hate to be a downer but you will never be over the loss of your spouse.  That is not to make you more miserable because heaven knows we are all battling the constancy of the suffering but there is no way that I can see that the missing ever…"
Feb 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Fran, So sorry about your kitty.  I lost our precious kitty sept 2015 who was essentially more my husbands kitty than mine and it tore me up.  It is so hard to deal with loss now. I find that to be one of the hardest things I am trying to…"
Feb 6
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND in the group Lost My Spouse...
"All the best of luck Richard.   We never do know what the universe will send us do we?  Here's wishing on your star Annette, she is there beside you.  "
Jan 27
stewart p and morgan are now friends
Jan 23
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I don't want to be here without my love.  Im tired of every day having to push myself to be here without him.  Why am I still here?  Why cant I quit?  I am spent, cashed out, exhausted, tired, joyless and every day is just…"
Jan 21
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Everyone on here, with few exceptions, are here to reach out and question if what they are feeling is normal, because it seems so contrary to the life were living. Whether you lost a spouse, son daughter, anyone really close.   I believe what…"
Jan 20
Katrina commented on morgan's blog post Not sure Diana can help
"I don't know who this person is that you're talking about since I only joined the group earlier today but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you all have had to put up with that! It's awful that there are people out there…"
Jan 19
joanne commented on morgan's blog post Not sure Diana can help
"Agree, with you completely morgan, some of the things he wrote about me where disgusting,  but I refused to dignify him with an answer or reply, and then he was deleted but unfortunately he come back, why? well you don't have to be…"
Jan 18
morgan posted a blog post

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing grief as a normal state.  For those whose love was too deep.  If I…See More
Jan 18
morgan replied to Angela's discussion Does it help to move? in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I was forced to sell our house because the financials and upkeep would have been too prohibitive on my own.  Besides I knew right away that I was not going to be able to work at the job I had and likely would not be able to get anything else…"
Jan 16
morgan replied to Maxey's discussion Comfort in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I agree Anne........bluebird set me free too. And Maxey, its a fight to stay standing. Some days and moments within those days we function better but overall I never want anyone to have to go through this.  Now I know why I never had a clue.…"
Jan 16
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have had a few short conversations with Richard Rivera and he is having a really rough time at the moment.  As myself and Michael suggested he has just now updated a GoFundMe page that he had before coming to this site to help pay for his…"
Jan 12

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (38 comments)

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At 11:31pm on December 8, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Thank you for the thoughtful words I will try to take the advise of those who have been there
At 12:45pm on July 2, 2016, Steve F said…

Dear Morgan,

I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve

At 12:41am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
I apologize for the double post.
At 12:40am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
At 11:54am on June 3, 2016, Steve F said…

Morgan,

Don't know where in this world you live so I don't know if the midnight date-mark on your e-mail means it was sent late at night. I have always been a late-night person and cannot fall asleep since losing my spouse until about 3:00 AM. I fall asleep each night crying and knowing that I will awake, once again, in the AM totally alone.

I will try to follow your advice to ignore the bastards of the world who seek to do me harm. We have enough on our plates with grieving to bother with their nastiness. Still must question if most people are so inherently evil that they will go out of their way to actively hurt us and why.

I envy that you knew your spouse since the 2nd grade. I did not meet mine until I was 23 1/2 but we had 53 years of great happiness together and I am grateful for that. Never knew of hatred or animosity when my beloved was alive. Perhaps I was blinded by love and did not see what really existed. I despair of the devisiveness and animosity that now pervades our current politics. I came of age in the days of "Camelot"; the JFK years of the 60's when there was great hope for a golden future. And my love and I enjoyed many golden years together. We had a city apartment and country home and in retirement we spent time in both as the mood struck us.

So I am appreciative of the many years of joy we had and am reassured that I will someday, once, again, be by my beloved's side. Our spouses now only exist in our memories and when we are gone, they too will totally disappear from this world. But our spirits will be eternally rejoined.

Stay strong...

Steve

At 10:49am on June 2, 2016, Steve F said…

You're insightful in your analysis of  people. But it's not easy to ignore them. When my love was alive I never faced such deceit and can't fathom why it is happening now that he is gone.  I look for some logic for their actions and cannot find any. Why has all this surfaced at this very late point in my life? What is there that instigates such nastiness?

My nephew and godson said he'll no longer drive me to my beloved’s cemetery and that my love will be “glad he no longer has to listen to me whine about my loss” at his grave site. What provokes such hate as to cause my nephew to judge our relationship and determine what my love would think?

Friends have determined that I, of a different faith than my beloved, did not provide a proper Roman Catholic Wake and Funeral Mass or bury him in a consecrated Catholic cemetery. My love and I entrusted our livesw and eternal souls to each other and long-ago after founding we were abandoned by our religions. Who are they to preach what is proper in where and how we are to be buried?

An elderly widow I befriended when her husband and my spouse both briefly shared a hospital room for Leukemia shortly before her husband of of 60 years passed away irrationally and suddenly told me I was a hateful person and shuns me.  Until this we had so much in common and became fast friends; going to theatre, museums and films. What instigated this?

Steve

 

At 7:35pm on May 31, 2016, Steve F said…

Hi Morgan,

"You have been catapulted into a different universe now.   You only will try to participate in the old one but you no longer "live" there.  I constantly have to try and tell myself my lover is still with me and as hard as that is it is all I've got.  Other than that I just manage the days."

You have captured the essence of my grief and loneliness in those very concise and poetic lines. No one has come even close to understanding what I am going through, except you, after a wonderful lifetime with my first and only love of 53 years. I thank you for your insight.

But the loss of my spouse is not my only problem. I also face  cruel abandonment by family and supposed friends; the latter of which have publicly chastised me on an Internet blog for not providing my spouse the Wake and Mass of Mother Church which they deem proper. So they shun me, and sit in judgment of me in spite of the fact that I arranged for the graveside burial in a non-denominational cemetery my spouse and I jointly and specifically selected shortly before his passing. It resolved a whole series of legal, social and religious issues. It is where where we will rest, for eternity, side by side. My love had entrusted me with his life and eternal soul, as I did with him, and no one has the right to question that. Their hatred is like a cancer which will ultimately consume them.

Thank you agin for you underastanding, Steve

At 6:33am on April 3, 2016, Debs said…

Thanks very much for your comment Morgan...it means a lot to me. Debs Xx

At 5:09am on February 9, 2016, Michael Thompson said…

Hi Morgan, I relate to everything you say.  Would you like to read two articles I wrote to my local papers about grief, and a tribute to my latte wife ?

If you do, please give me your email address and I will attach them for you.

Regards

Michael UK

At 2:22am on January 30, 2016, rachel_michele said…

Hey morgan, I was reading through the main room chat and saw your comment of, "I said at the beginning that when he died society took my arms and legs, made me blind and then told me to go to the supermarket." Like Jay, I like that too.

Morgan's Blog

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

Spam has beaten me up too bad

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

Posted on August 26, 2015 at 7:42pm — 2 Comments

 
 
 

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JO B replied to JO B's discussion mad at god
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JO B commented on Diana, Grief Counselor's blog post After Death Communication
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BLUEBELL replied to BLUEBELL's discussion Lost my Mom
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18 hours ago
Louise commented on Louise's blog post Can't cope
"Thank you Morgan, your support means so much to me, I was in a bad place when I wrote this. I don't really have many people to talk to; there were loads of people there for me just after he died, but everyone has drifted away. My very best…"
18 hours ago
Raina2012 replied to BLUEBELL's discussion Lost my Mom
"Being your mothers caregiver must have been hard. And now that she is gone its all different. I think maybe you should try to stay at your house. My mom and i had an apartment together and i am trying to break the lease because i cant live there. To…"
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Nancy, what you said is true, my mom was all I had, I miss her everyday and I don't cry everyday anymore, I try not to, just when I need to.  But I try to get ahold of myself. It just feels as though this part of my heart will never…"
22 hours ago
morgan left a comment for Mary
"Mary, You have perfectly expressed the suffering of all of us who come here and are trying to manage.  How do we have any hope or get through a day?  No one has an answer.  We all just take baby steps towards what a day might hold.…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Louise's blog post Can't cope
"Louise,  Just  keep trying.  Baby steps.  Thats all any of us can do.  We keep trying to get through another day because there is only one other option which is not really desirable.  Do you have anyone who really…"
yesterday
Nancy Dynes commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi, Misty. I'm so thankful to hear your results were negative for cancer! My heart goes out to you that you couldn't have your mom by your side going through all of that. It's harder for me to share things with my dad as well, but my…"
yesterday
Nancy Dynes commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi, Olive. Theresa and I have been going through the same thing. It's almost 2 years since I lost my sweet mom. It sounds like our moms were very much alike. I still cry privately each day. I have an underlying sadness during even the happiest…"
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Rita commented on Karen's group Missing my Son or Daughter
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