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ON a scale of 1 to 10
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I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25, 2017.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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Latest Activity

morgan left a comment for Aequanimitas
"Aquanimitas wrote: I have found myself feeling emotionally broken, devastated, crushed, completely shattered into pieces but I am also experiencing an unexpected amount of intense anger and contempt. I feel that my tolerance towards certain things…"
Jul 6
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, I will think of you on the 10th......these last few days have been a back breaker for me......Days just wasting away.......the immensity of the grief just taking my breath away.   And yes, some people got lucky and found the one person…"
Jul 6
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Alice, Like you, every day I run into situations, some challenging, some just reminders.  They overwhelm me and I cry.  After five and half years I am now resigned to the facts.  Fact:I am never going to have a normal life.…"
Jul 5
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda,  I don't have any sanity left.  i have been doing the same kind of thing as you for the last five years plus.  Working like a crazy person, eating sporadically, sleeping erratically hoping my body will do the same as…"
Jul 3
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"(continued)... Even though the outside functioning part of me seems better......obviously I am losing some steam of consciousness.....the grief has stayed with me as a physical impairment .....on and off nausea, no clear decision making to eat or…"
Jul 2
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Its been another rough patch recently and the longer and further I get away from my husbands death date the harder this seems to be getting.  My thoughts for years were overwhelmingly chaotic.  Nothing made sense.  I had no filter or…"
Jun 29
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Beth,  Sorry to hear you are going to hit a marker day and have to "remember" better days.  I just went through my husbands birthday on the 25th and July 4th would have been our 39th  wedding anniversary.  After years…"
Jun 29
Mike H. left a comment for morgan
"Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or…"
Jun 23
morgan commented on Mike H.'s blog post Why Go On Living? - Reason 2 of 3, Because Things Change
"Mike, This is a site for sharing feelings not for preaching religion."
Jun 23
morgan left a comment for Nelson Fonticiella
"Nelson,  This website is a good place to come to get an idea of how others who are going through grief because of the loss of their spouse respond and cope with their loss.  It will normally give you a sense that you are not alone in your…"
Jun 22
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trevy,  Of course it is difficult to hear of others success in managing their grief where some of us feel so helpless.  It doesnt mean that your experience is any less or more relevant to someone elses.  We all deal with loss…"
Jun 19
morgan and Geraldine Brown are now friends
Jun 19
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Geraldine,  You chose a good way to express how the grief feels.....choking and an ache that is hard to explain.  I am trying to minimize the ever present anxiety because now I know that it lives with me 24/7 and there is no real time to…"
Jun 18
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Talking about signs from our loved ones I could say I've had some.  They are too hard to explain but I could say that they seemed awfully coincidental if they weren't real signs.  But after the first couple years of a few really…"
Jun 17
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Its been a long long road since the day my husband died.   I cannot lie.  This is not getting any easier.  Instead of being in such a fog about what to do next I have more clarity as to what things are going to be like and I dont like…"
Jun 16
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so tired of having to live life. I understand why people commit suicide.  At some point the inability to function like a normal human being must become more than the will to survive the daily assaults on my memory bank.  I get it.…"
Jun 13

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

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At 12:56pm on June 23, 2018, Mike H. said…

Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike

At 1:52am on April 20, 2018, Virginia G said…

Morgan,

thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

At 6:38am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

At 6:36am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain

crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.   

At 2:56pm on January 18, 2018, Alice Thompson said…

My dear Morgan, I am thinking of you as you go through this dark tunnel reliving the end. I did that myself recently, as you know, and it is indescribable. Baby steps, as you say. That’s all we can do. With my love, Alice 

At 1:52pm on December 13, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

At 8:58am on December 6, 2017, Aaron Hoenig said…

Morgan, thank you for reaching out.  I am so sorry for your loss to.  I agree that no one can understand the loss of a spouse unless they too have experienced it first hand.  It is a unique loss like losing a child.  I feel after reading your posts that your support system was either non-existing or has failed you terribly. No one can tell you comfortingly that they know how you feel and to try to move on.  It has only been three weeks since Larry passed.  Some days if feels like forever and somedays it feels like yesterday.  Losing Larry to cancer was hard in that he was wasting physically and mentally.  He knew the disease was taking him slowly and sometimes painfully, especially after treatment.  In a way I am glad for you that you and you beloved did not have to suffer a long drawn out ending, though in my experience it allowed Larry and I to talk and grieve together and is an experience i would never wish away.  Larry strictly forbade me from trying to join him and after the first few hours and days that idea slowly faded.  It has not left completely and never will, but I will learn to live with it like the loss of Larry's physical presence.  I am not a religiously spiritual person and neither was Larry, but we both believe in a spiritual existence after the physical body has stopped functioning.  I know it exists as we have had many experiences with passed loved ones contacting us through signs and presence in reflections in mirrors and windows.  Larry has contacted me and let me know he is ok and I will be too eventually.  He reminded me to find my own strength, especially in the love we shared.  I say this to you today to hopefully give you the strength to look for these signs from your loved one.  They are there, you have to be open for them.  If you are not right now, you will be!  The strength you have in continuing on through the pain, feeling the loss, and feeling like you are wasting away shows you the depth of the love you shared together and your strength.  Use that love and strength.  It will never fail you like people can. 

Please continue to post and chat here.  You need to continue to reach out.  It too is a validation of your personal strength.

Be well and remember to feel the true love you have inside you that was created by you both.

At 1:33am on November 11, 2017, Luchka Botha said…
Hi morgan thanks for the reply. He had leukemia he just got sick one day and died 6 weeks later. We have leukemia in my side of the family. I dont know why he got it thats something i ask myself everyday.
At 6:28pm on October 18, 2017, Cheyenne Steffen said…
Thank you for writing Morgan. I appreciate it so much that you reached out. I have an appointment with a grief counsellor on Monday. I'm looking forward to that and hoping the Dr. Can help. It's very difficult for me not to look ahead too much. I'm a planner by nature so this feeling of limbo is tough. However, I find that it's more painful to think of the future so I'm trying really hard to go hour by hour. Today I got out of the house for a bit. The distraction was good so I'll have to try that more often. I'm very sorry for your loss. It is almost unfathomable how we can live through losing a spouse. I am alive but not really living. I expect it will be that way for a long time.
I'll write again. For now I just wanted to thank you for the kind words.
Cheyenne
At 8:44pm on June 30, 2017, JenShep said…

Hi Morgan,

I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group.  I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall.  27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful.  I thought my 5 months was short.  And it was. But, 27 days?  I don't know what to think about the shortness of time.  I wish I had gotten 5 more years with my love, or 10, or 20!  I wish I was 53 as I was writing this and not 43.  I can't imagine living God knows how many more years are in store for me.  Why can't my life be taken instead of splitting up another soulmate couple? Why can't we go with our loves? Life is so damn unfair.  My husband and I never really spoke about the possibility of his dying.  The only time it really came up was right when he was diagnosed and he said (while crying) "I'm not afraid of dying but I can't leave you." We were convinced that we would be the 1%.  I wonder if he was keeping his feelings from me to protect me or if he truly thought he would kick the cancer, as I did.  Did you and your love talk about the possibility of his dying and leaving you?  It's one of those things that I really need from him.  I need to know what he thinks of this whole thing. I wish we had made some plans or something - like signs he would leave me or wishes he had for me for my future.  He always said that if anything ever happened to me that he would take his life.  I feel guilty that I haven't.  Does that mean I love him less?  I wonder what he would have wanted for my life.  Answers I'll never know.  It sucks.  

Morgan's Blog

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was…

Continue

Posted on March 29, 2018 at 11:37pm — 5 Comments

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

 
 
 

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