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morgan's Discussions

ON a scale of 1 to 10
1 Reply

I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25, 2017.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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morgan's Page

Latest Activity

morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.…"
Wednesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am finding it so hard to keep motivated.  I have tons I need to do to keep afloat and try to honor the legacy of my husband and yet all I seem able to do is push myself, force myself.......constantly. Its the putting on the mask and…"
Tuesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Marita, Yes, we all pretty much have found that grief is not a bump on the head.  It is a ripping apart of a quantum soul.  For me it has become an all encompassing desire to plead with the universe to take me.  I do it as I have now…"
Mar 16
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, I remember reading about "broken heart" syndrome and wishing that I too would succumb.  Instead here I am today still wishing ANYTHING would take me to the other universe and hoping it is quick, painless and soon.  But…"
Mar 12
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe,  Its stress related for sure.   I have found over the years that the "shell shock" of the trauma induced event of my spouse dying has done a number on my immune system.  I was a a yoga, holistic-balanced, strong,…"
Mar 12
morgan joined Amy's group
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You're too young to be a widow

I never thought that I would be a widow in my forties.  My friends can't relate and feel the need to comment on everything, even if they have no experience with grief.  I know they mean well but only we know what we are going though.See More
Mar 8
morgan replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"Elynn, I feel abandoned by everything and everybody. Period. Even with the people who try to console me. Its just not enough.   I cant seem to feel that this life is worth living for any length of time.    I go in and out of feeling…"
Mar 7
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Oh yes, Lisa.....the guilt.   The power of thinking that somehow we could have changed the outcome "if only".  Or that we are supposed to punish ourselves because that way we can feel better about the loss.  That something…"
Mar 3
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"PART 2--I’m still so very confused about how what I thought I had was so temporary.  He’s gone, he made some not so good choices and his body failed him at 63.  I’ve debated more times than I would like to admit doing…"
Feb 25
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"PART 1--I was going through old emails and ran across the following that I wrote  to some of my friends and family three years ago on the death date of my beloved, Jan 21 2016.    It reminds me of how hard this has all been and how I…"
Feb 25
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I just sent a message to the admin/owner of the site......I'lll let you know the response."
Feb 13
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"The format for the area called "activity"  Which is where our posts appear (besides our group) on the righthand side now has a heading of "twitter".....any else seeing this on a desktop rather than a mobile? It is a change…"
Feb 13
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"If these posts are now going out via twitter this will be my last post........"
Feb 13
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have narrowed down my conversations about the life I spent with my husband to five people.  Only one of them can withstand all the various levels of my need for communicating about our life together.  Although each of them have a way of…"
Feb 11
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I don't know what to say anymore.  I read posts and totally commiserate. Joe, you hit a couple high spots.  I too had a horrible day on Monday, simply heart rending....wailing, sobbing, screaming.......Then last night there was…"
Feb 6
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"How long can I last? It getting harder and harder to pretend that I can live this out.   Pretty much everyone I come in contact with is living in the old universe I used to live in.  Their motivations and desires are what mine used to be.…"
Feb 2

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (54 comments)

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At 8:24am on January 21, 2019, Trina Mamoon said…
Dear morgan,
I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth very little; we continue living only because we do and not because we want to. I am sending you good thoughts and hope that you can make it through the day somehow.
I am in Bangladesh now, and it is already the 21st here, and I have been thinking of you since yesterday.
Hugs, Trina
At 6:53am on January 21, 2019, Brenda Ann said…

Dear Morgan,

You said, ”What the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.”  I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find an answers. 

I have found answers to these questions and many more big questions of life. Where I have found satisfying answer to the questions is on the www.jw.org website. A Bible writer said to God, ““Give me understanding . . . Your word is truth.”​—Psalm 119:144, 160. The Bible is providing answers for millions of people. Would you like to be one of them? The jw.org® website can help you.

At 12:39pm on December 26, 2018, Corinne C. Rico said…

Morgan, I didn't see your comment because I think I messed up posting my comment ontop of Jon-Pauls, I apolgize, new here and just getting to know how things work. I am not going to wish anyone Happy Holidays, or a Merry Christmas because I can see by reading everyones posts, we all felt the same.  Dreading New Years the most actually, my birthday and Christmas were brutal, but to welcome in a New Year?  Thank you for your understanding and relating to what I wrote.  I will continue to keep all of you, including myself in my daily prayers.

At 10:22pm on August 27, 2018, Linda said…

Dear Morgan, thank you so much for your kind and honest words.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, that alone gives me sustenance to get through another day.  Blessed be.  Linda

At 12:56pm on June 23, 2018, Mike H. said…

Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike

At 1:52am on April 20, 2018, Virginia G said…

Morgan,

thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

At 6:38am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

At 6:36am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain

crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.   

At 2:56pm on January 18, 2018, Alice Thompson said…

My dear Morgan, I am thinking of you as you go through this dark tunnel reliving the end. I did that myself recently, as you know, and it is indescribable. Baby steps, as you say. That’s all we can do. With my love, Alice 

At 1:52pm on December 13, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

Morgan's Blog

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was…

Continue

Posted on March 29, 2018 at 11:37pm — 4 Comments

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

 
 
 

Groups

Latest Activity

dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"sinse goin  to spookss spirtt churchhss it seams to  get me comfott it dz i dt frs fewa; feal alonee i do not not iv sean  peplee in tears ti i do bt so omftin ido not get told how i…"
4 hours ago
Addie commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"I had a relationship with someone for 5 years. I am married, and wasn't ready to leave my husband. So this man and I met infrequently (every month or 2) and talked a lot through text, but I felt like we had a very close bond. He finally told me…"
yesterday
Addie joined Cathy Richardson's group
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Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
yesterday
Profile IconAddie and Donald Perry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"How do you guys have your settings?  I didn't have a problem before a couple of days ago."
Wednesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I can't see the pics still but glad you guys can.  I sent a message to ninja  to check if I have a setting wrong.  I have pics to be seen by friends set.  I have 750 pics of Her (from about aged two till days before She left…"
Wednesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife, the love of your life, is BEAUTIFUL! And it does seem like it was destiny that brought the two of you together. Beautiful story of the two of you meeting for the first time. Like Linda says, we have to be grateful that God sent us…"
Wednesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife is beautiful. We just have to so blessed for God sending us our soulmates."
Wednesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"She was sent to save me.  There was a fate of that.  Too many coincidences to be otherwise.  I was born to a terrible family relationship in one State and She was born to a good stable family relationship.  We both moved to a…"
Wednesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Everyone,  Thanks for the cudos. I know every one of us is trying to cope with the loss of our Beloved Spouses. I too cannot do the things we shared and that's just about everything. Our likes were the same, so the only thing I did…"
Wednesday
Profile IconMary and Leane joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Wednesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.…"
Wednesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Thanks for your encouraging words."
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule: "My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Marita,  I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again.…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! "
Tuesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too…"
Tuesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"WOW, that's great! "
Tuesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi All, This is now I cope with the loss of MY BELOVED HUSBAND AND SOULMATE JULIAN. I run marathons in his honor, it keeps me going. I ran 26.2 miles in his memory at 65."
Tuesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in a constant state of paralysis.  I seem only to be able to do things when I know I have to.  Simple things go undone.  Dust builds up on my bedroom furniture.  I look at it and say to myself, I should dust.  But…"
Tuesday

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