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ON a scale of 1 to 10
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I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
1 Reply

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Mori Feb 3, 2016.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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morgan replied to Kevin Bailey's discussion Who's the one who's selfish in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Stephanie, me thinks you missed the mark.  Kevin's daughter is in the Navy.  She is not a ten year old.  I am going to support his admissions as I do believe the two of them can carry on an honest, adult conversation including…"
Mar 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 2 ---I realize I am sending this message along at the very last moment of a marker day that for only two years hence is still a gigantic day for you.  I can only wish you found a way to get through it with the minimum amount of pain that…"
Mar 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 1---Oh Trina, I've thought about you so many times and gotten close to a message and then something would intervene.  Reading about your changes and how you have endured the adjustments by admitting the utter unbelievability of how…"
Mar 15
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Richard, I think I can speak for a lot of us here that are relieved that for the time being, as Bluebird so wisely advised, you get some help to at least try to be comfortable without an added layer of suffering.  Bravo for getting out there…"
Mar 7
morgan replied to Michael Thompson's discussion I feel worse 2 and a half years on, than I ever did. in the group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Michael,  It's been four years plus since my husband died.  It took me three years to get a handle on functioning.  Having just passed four years I am not in constant turmoil like I was but when I do go down it is like nothing…"
Mar 5
morgan replied to Kevin Bailey's discussion Guilt in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I spent all day packing and organizing and tending to last minute small construction details before I stage my house for sale.  I got through the day.   Even plastered on a fun face for the friend who came over to help me.  I've…"
Mar 5
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Richard,  We are all trapped.  It's impossible to tell others who have never lost their beloved spouse what this is like.  Translating the physical effects, the emotional pounding, the confusion, the missing, the guilt, the…"
Mar 3
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Richard, we all beat ourselves up.  I cant even relate to anyone the guilt I feel as to where and how my husband died when I was in the next room. But he knew and Annettte knew we did all we could.  Their time was up.  Now the best we…"
Mar 2
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Totally agree Linda.  Doing different things or even things I used to love doing.......doesn't make any difference.  And that is one adorable dog.  My hope is that Babie J outlives you because ...well, you know why.   With…"
Mar 2
morgan replied to Michael Thompson's discussion I feel worse 2 and a half years on, than I ever did. in the group Losing Someone to Cancer
"I have not seen a doctor.  I have lived a very holistic life and can recognize symptoms of the root cause.  The root cause of my physical regressions are solely based on losing my husband.  the nausea, the anxiety, the liver spots…"
Mar 2
morgan replied to Michael Thompson's discussion I feel worse 2 and a half years on, than I ever did. in the group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Michael T,  I wanted to respond but yesterday got away from me.  Rough one.   In particular I wanted to let you know that the tears for me just keep coming. They are different than they were in the beginning and during the years the…"
Mar 1
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Sounds very ominous and heartbreaking Richard.  I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think you'll understand what i mean........sometimes death is a blessing.  Not that our spouses dying was one but now.......now, I…"
Mar 1
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thanks Linda,  I keep thinking back on that last photo of the two of you on the beach, you cradled in his body.  My husband and I were like that in all our photos.  Always touching.  Today has been a relatively better day but…"
Mar 1
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Sorry for the double post......I wanted to continue to write but I just had a horrible breakdown.....I cant do this anymore.  I simply am incapable of continuing to allow the less frequent but most horrible reality checks of what life was and…"
Mar 1
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I was just sitting here minding my business watching some stupid show on TV and they showed Rihanna starting to sing the song"Diamonds".  I have no idea how this is possible but I am fighting back the tears.  How is it possible…"
Mar 1
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I was just sitting here minding my business watching some stupid show on TV and they showed Rihanna starting to sing the song"Diamonds".  I have no idea how this is possible but I am fighting back the tears.  How is it possible…"
Mar 1

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (38 comments)

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At 11:31pm on December 8, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Thank you for the thoughtful words I will try to take the advise of those who have been there
At 12:45pm on July 2, 2016, Steve F said…

Dear Morgan,

I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve

At 12:41am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
I apologize for the double post.
At 12:40am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
At 11:54am on June 3, 2016, Steve F said…

Morgan,

Don't know where in this world you live so I don't know if the midnight date-mark on your e-mail means it was sent late at night. I have always been a late-night person and cannot fall asleep since losing my spouse until about 3:00 AM. I fall asleep each night crying and knowing that I will awake, once again, in the AM totally alone.

I will try to follow your advice to ignore the bastards of the world who seek to do me harm. We have enough on our plates with grieving to bother with their nastiness. Still must question if most people are so inherently evil that they will go out of their way to actively hurt us and why.

I envy that you knew your spouse since the 2nd grade. I did not meet mine until I was 23 1/2 but we had 53 years of great happiness together and I am grateful for that. Never knew of hatred or animosity when my beloved was alive. Perhaps I was blinded by love and did not see what really existed. I despair of the devisiveness and animosity that now pervades our current politics. I came of age in the days of "Camelot"; the JFK years of the 60's when there was great hope for a golden future. And my love and I enjoyed many golden years together. We had a city apartment and country home and in retirement we spent time in both as the mood struck us.

So I am appreciative of the many years of joy we had and am reassured that I will someday, once, again, be by my beloved's side. Our spouses now only exist in our memories and when we are gone, they too will totally disappear from this world. But our spirits will be eternally rejoined.

Stay strong...

Steve

At 10:49am on June 2, 2016, Steve F said…

You're insightful in your analysis of  people. But it's not easy to ignore them. When my love was alive I never faced such deceit and can't fathom why it is happening now that he is gone.  I look for some logic for their actions and cannot find any. Why has all this surfaced at this very late point in my life? What is there that instigates such nastiness?

My nephew and godson said he'll no longer drive me to my beloved’s cemetery and that my love will be “glad he no longer has to listen to me whine about my loss” at his grave site. What provokes such hate as to cause my nephew to judge our relationship and determine what my love would think?

Friends have determined that I, of a different faith than my beloved, did not provide a proper Roman Catholic Wake and Funeral Mass or bury him in a consecrated Catholic cemetery. My love and I entrusted our livesw and eternal souls to each other and long-ago after founding we were abandoned by our religions. Who are they to preach what is proper in where and how we are to be buried?

An elderly widow I befriended when her husband and my spouse both briefly shared a hospital room for Leukemia shortly before her husband of of 60 years passed away irrationally and suddenly told me I was a hateful person and shuns me.  Until this we had so much in common and became fast friends; going to theatre, museums and films. What instigated this?

Steve

 

At 7:35pm on May 31, 2016, Steve F said…

Hi Morgan,

"You have been catapulted into a different universe now.   You only will try to participate in the old one but you no longer "live" there.  I constantly have to try and tell myself my lover is still with me and as hard as that is it is all I've got.  Other than that I just manage the days."

You have captured the essence of my grief and loneliness in those very concise and poetic lines. No one has come even close to understanding what I am going through, except you, after a wonderful lifetime with my first and only love of 53 years. I thank you for your insight.

But the loss of my spouse is not my only problem. I also face  cruel abandonment by family and supposed friends; the latter of which have publicly chastised me on an Internet blog for not providing my spouse the Wake and Mass of Mother Church which they deem proper. So they shun me, and sit in judgment of me in spite of the fact that I arranged for the graveside burial in a non-denominational cemetery my spouse and I jointly and specifically selected shortly before his passing. It resolved a whole series of legal, social and religious issues. It is where where we will rest, for eternity, side by side. My love had entrusted me with his life and eternal soul, as I did with him, and no one has the right to question that. Their hatred is like a cancer which will ultimately consume them.

Thank you agin for you underastanding, Steve

At 6:33am on April 3, 2016, Debs said…

Thanks very much for your comment Morgan...it means a lot to me. Debs Xx

At 5:09am on February 9, 2016, Michael Thompson said…

Hi Morgan, I relate to everything you say.  Would you like to read two articles I wrote to my local papers about grief, and a tribute to my latte wife ?

If you do, please give me your email address and I will attach them for you.

Regards

Michael UK

At 2:22am on January 30, 2016, rachel_michele said…

Hey morgan, I was reading through the main room chat and saw your comment of, "I said at the beginning that when he died society took my arms and legs, made me blind and then told me to go to the supermarket." Like Jay, I like that too.

Morgan's Blog

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

Spam has beaten me up too bad

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

Posted on August 26, 2015 at 7:42pm — 2 Comments

 
 
 

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Ann Brooks updated their profile
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Paula Marie commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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15 hours ago
Richard Rivera replied to Richard Rivera's discussion MY BELOVED WIFE DIED DECEMBER 2ND in the group Lost My Spouse...
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Tanya commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Nancy Dynes commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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22 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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yesterday
Nancy Dynes commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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yesterday
Nancy Dynes commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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yesterday
Nancy Dynes commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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yesterday
catherine bailey commented on Jodi Denton's group Traumatic loss of an only child
"It really helps to communicate with others who have experienced the same loss, so thanks to all who answered my post.  Lenny, Connie and Kim - we all understand each other.  Today was a better day for me - some days are like that.…"
yesterday
Lenny commented on Jodi Denton's group Traumatic loss of an only child
"Dear Connie, Katherine and Kim I fully understand the bereft feelings and I also have been anxious about precious moments of our daughters and where they will end up when we pass. The pain of losing our only child never ends , even when we appear to…"
yesterday
Connie K commented on Jodi Denton's group Traumatic loss of an only child
"Dear Catherine I feel the very same way. I have everything form my son's baby things, through elementary and high school. He died at age 17 and never got to even graduate, drive a car by himself, well you know....I have things of mine I wanted…"
yesterday
cin po commented on Valentina Jolley's blog post Letter to you; my other half in heaven
"I too have regrets and your post deeply resonated with me. I wish I spent more time with him. I wished I laughed more with him. I wish I talked to him more. It's too late now.  I will never be the same. I am trying to help myself in little…"
yesterday
cin po left a comment for Fran
"Hi Fran, I am forced to do all of these things as quick as I can because I have to go back to work soon. I am trying to finish all of the paperwork. I was forced to do things quickly even though I am so emotionally distraught. My world stopped when…"
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cin po commented on cin po's blog post Talking to people about my loss & grief helps me
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kim commented on Jodi Denton's group Traumatic loss of an only child
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Heather commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Thursday

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