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ON a scale of 1 to 10
1 Reply

I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke on Tuesday.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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Latest Activity

morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Digging deeper in my hole again........of course I'm not sure I mean, again......it seems like i think I emerge but then there I am again........digging furiously so I can escape.  This is the hardest, most painful, most misunderstood…"
12 hours ago
Jackie cooke replied to morgan's discussion Loss and Attachment
"Himmorgan, I have just found and read this am I in bits, it's 6 weeks since my world came to an end and I still finding it hard to just keep breathing everyday let alone function as a person. I to have no children, I don't really have…"
Tuesday
morgan commented on Jane's blog post just want to die
"Count me in...I cannot find any reason to live.  I have gotten much better at functioning.  But reason?  Nope.  I am simply going through the motions.  There are still nuclear moments mostly lasting anywhere from five…"
Monday
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thanks Jeff, I found this article to have some very illuminating points.  "
Sunday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Oh dear, John T.....having to confront circumstances that bring us turmoil inside, I have found they send me into the deep end where I have forgotten how to swim.  What's with our brain now??  It's like it just cannot rewire to…"
Apr 12
morgan replied to Doug's discussion Unbearable loneliness
"Doug,  I just read your post and I am so sorry that you have such a heavy burden of what life was and is.  Since my husbands death I've been on a quest to answer so many questions that seem to lead me to dead ends.  I can wonder…"
Apr 12
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jerry, During the first couple years I was reaching out all the time for support.  Anywhere where I could find someone who would be able to relate to the excrutiating pain that kept me on my knees.  I constantly was on here and other sites…"
Apr 10
morgan replied to Matthew Dirig's discussion One year.... in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Yes, another thirty years without our beloveds??  I can't imagine because if I imagine it enough I will go throw myself in front of a truck.  I have stumbled, scraped, crawled and most of all endured this grief.  I cannot accept…"
Apr 10
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have been reading every day but not writing much.  I am so saddened by how characteristically we are all carrying this burden we have been handed.  We are still trying so hard to but will never live again.  We just participate.…"
Apr 7
Karen Schell left a comment for morgan
"Hi Morgan, Thanks for your post. Yes, i would agree with that. Life is so empty and meaning is gone from our world when our love in no longer here in this life with us. It all seems so futile. You take care too, ((((Hugs))))"
Apr 4
morgan replied to Maxey's discussion Scary thoughts lately in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I would do just about anything to make the pain of missing my husband go away.  I've lasted a long time with this, hoping that I would find something that would make the pain dissolve.  I keep doing but I am not sure how long I am…"
Apr 2
morgan replied to Crystal's discussion two weeks a widow
"I wish there was something I could say to help you get through it.  The only thing I guess that helped me somewhat in the beginning was to take baby steps and dont think too far ahead.  You will be overwhelmed at everything so thats why it…"
Apr 1
morgan commented on joanne's blog post people have no clue
"After your first sentence I was ready to punch your so called friend.  No one gets it Joanne.  This grief is a miserable GD place to have to exist.  After four years I am so tired of life, the people who think I should be a happy…"
Mar 31
morgan and Brian P Mulkerne are now friends
Mar 30
Brian P Mulkerne left a comment for morgan
"Hi Morgan, thanks for writing me, I appreciate it. Please see the video I posted. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35E7cin_bs0"
Mar 28
morgan left a comment for Karen Schell
"Karen, 4 years and counting for me too and I think Alice Thompson summed it all up perfectly in the discussion "hate this life".  Take a look and I think you will agree.  Take care the best you can......."
Mar 26

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

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At 4:39am on April 4, 2017, Karen Schell said…

Hi Morgan, Thanks for your post. Yes, i would agree with that. Life is so empty and meaning is gone from our world when our love in no longer here in this life with us. It all seems so futile.

You take care too, ((((Hugs))))

At 11:21pm on March 28, 2017, Brian P Mulkerne said…

Hi Morgan, thanks for writing me, I appreciate it. Please see the video I posted. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35E7cin_bs0

At 11:31pm on December 8, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Thank you for the thoughtful words I will try to take the advise of those who have been there
At 12:45pm on July 2, 2016, Steve F said…

Dear Morgan,

I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve

At 12:41am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
I apologize for the double post.
At 12:40am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
At 11:54am on June 3, 2016, Steve F said…

Morgan,

Don't know where in this world you live so I don't know if the midnight date-mark on your e-mail means it was sent late at night. I have always been a late-night person and cannot fall asleep since losing my spouse until about 3:00 AM. I fall asleep each night crying and knowing that I will awake, once again, in the AM totally alone.

I will try to follow your advice to ignore the bastards of the world who seek to do me harm. We have enough on our plates with grieving to bother with their nastiness. Still must question if most people are so inherently evil that they will go out of their way to actively hurt us and why.

I envy that you knew your spouse since the 2nd grade. I did not meet mine until I was 23 1/2 but we had 53 years of great happiness together and I am grateful for that. Never knew of hatred or animosity when my beloved was alive. Perhaps I was blinded by love and did not see what really existed. I despair of the devisiveness and animosity that now pervades our current politics. I came of age in the days of "Camelot"; the JFK years of the 60's when there was great hope for a golden future. And my love and I enjoyed many golden years together. We had a city apartment and country home and in retirement we spent time in both as the mood struck us.

So I am appreciative of the many years of joy we had and am reassured that I will someday, once, again, be by my beloved's side. Our spouses now only exist in our memories and when we are gone, they too will totally disappear from this world. But our spirits will be eternally rejoined.

Stay strong...

Steve

At 10:49am on June 2, 2016, Steve F said…

You're insightful in your analysis of  people. But it's not easy to ignore them. When my love was alive I never faced such deceit and can't fathom why it is happening now that he is gone.  I look for some logic for their actions and cannot find any. Why has all this surfaced at this very late point in my life? What is there that instigates such nastiness?

My nephew and godson said he'll no longer drive me to my beloved’s cemetery and that my love will be “glad he no longer has to listen to me whine about my loss” at his grave site. What provokes such hate as to cause my nephew to judge our relationship and determine what my love would think?

Friends have determined that I, of a different faith than my beloved, did not provide a proper Roman Catholic Wake and Funeral Mass or bury him in a consecrated Catholic cemetery. My love and I entrusted our livesw and eternal souls to each other and long-ago after founding we were abandoned by our religions. Who are they to preach what is proper in where and how we are to be buried?

An elderly widow I befriended when her husband and my spouse both briefly shared a hospital room for Leukemia shortly before her husband of of 60 years passed away irrationally and suddenly told me I was a hateful person and shuns me.  Until this we had so much in common and became fast friends; going to theatre, museums and films. What instigated this?

Steve

 

At 7:35pm on May 31, 2016, Steve F said…

Hi Morgan,

"You have been catapulted into a different universe now.   You only will try to participate in the old one but you no longer "live" there.  I constantly have to try and tell myself my lover is still with me and as hard as that is it is all I've got.  Other than that I just manage the days."

You have captured the essence of my grief and loneliness in those very concise and poetic lines. No one has come even close to understanding what I am going through, except you, after a wonderful lifetime with my first and only love of 53 years. I thank you for your insight.

But the loss of my spouse is not my only problem. I also face  cruel abandonment by family and supposed friends; the latter of which have publicly chastised me on an Internet blog for not providing my spouse the Wake and Mass of Mother Church which they deem proper. So they shun me, and sit in judgment of me in spite of the fact that I arranged for the graveside burial in a non-denominational cemetery my spouse and I jointly and specifically selected shortly before his passing. It resolved a whole series of legal, social and religious issues. It is where where we will rest, for eternity, side by side. My love had entrusted me with his life and eternal soul, as I did with him, and no one has the right to question that. Their hatred is like a cancer which will ultimately consume them.

Thank you agin for you underastanding, Steve

At 6:33am on April 3, 2016, Debs said…

Thanks very much for your comment Morgan...it means a lot to me. Debs Xx

Morgan's Blog

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

Spam has beaten me up too bad

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

Posted on August 26, 2015 at 7:42pm — 2 Comments

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Kevin Bailey commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It is sad Trina but it is our truth. When my wife was here I'd dream about the good times that we would have when the kids finally cleared out. How I could really turn all the attention to her and spoil her, take her out and have date nights,…"
3 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa Thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope you are right. I pray that you find some enjoyment on your day off. Sending hugs and love you way, Bluebell"
3 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell, being a hospice nurse has to be tough I think you are right because of your own experience you will be stronger than you think. I am off today and I am going to run errands it helps to occupy my mind, but not completely.  "
6 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I just read the recent posts and wanted to say how only this evening I was thanking the universe that we humans are mortal. Whether it takes another 30 years (and like Jackie the thought of another 30 years terrifies me and saddens me beyond words)…"
8 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Your so right, a charade describes it exactly, just pretending all the time. I to have been left with not knowing how to do the bills, there is no money anyway now, I never did any of the finance stuff and the suddenness of her death meant there was…"
9 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Digging deeper in my hole again........of course I'm not sure I mean, again......it seems like i think I emerge but then there I am again........digging furiously so I can escape.  This is the hardest, most painful, most misunderstood…"
12 hours ago
Kevin Bailey commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I was in denial even when they was talking about hospice. I was thinking she's not going anywhere, we're in recovery mood but I do need a nurse to help me with some things. Cancer is a wicked disease and it took my beautiful wife through…"
13 hours ago
Kathleen Jordan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I soo believe that....I see him, or feel him every day...It's hard to stay posititve...but   it works"
14 hours ago
Crystal joined Katherine Ellis's group
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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
14 hours ago
Crystal commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Yeah, Ben was told 5 months at christmas, but he made it 3 months. It was fast and aggressive. He was on hospice for 1.5 months. He was up and walking around after his brain surgery in july, did great all the way till chriatmas, but the cancer came…"
14 hours ago
Kathleen Jordan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Crystal...you were lucky to have enough  time to learn while he was on hospice....I had 3  whole days of coherence.  But, I seriously did appreciate  it, even though he thought he was going to make 6 months"
14 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I have been blessed with a very understanding set of people at work. They have told me to take my time coming back to work and have ask if there is anything they can do to help, just ask. They knew how much my life was centered on taking care of my…"
14 hours ago
Heather commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Theresa, It is the same for me in terms of my job. I'm a special education assistant and have worked with kids for over 20 years with varying special needs. The last 5 years I have specialized in working with children with autism. I started…"
15 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Heather I feel the same way and the weather here has been the same I'm in Pennsylvania You were not rambling It just lets me know I'm not alone Are used to always look forward to summer to go to the pool see my friends now I feel like I…"
15 hours ago
Heather commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Theresa, I understand what you are talking about. I work in a very large school and have been there for 3 years and no one acknowledged or asked about how my mom was doing (I had to take some days off in the last month of the last school year to…"
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No Bluebell, any death is difficult for all of us right now. Sometimes though I feel numb towards others that have lost a loved one I have people come in to my place of employment all the time (jewelry store) that have lost parents and they seem so…"
17 hours ago
Crystal commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Same here. I've never been on my own. His beING on hospice , though he was able to stay at home, he was completely immobile, so I learned how to do all the things most men would do naturally, even paying bills, which I never have done. So he…"
18 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I know, it shouldn't have happend and the thought of another 30 odd years alone terrifies me"
19 hours ago
Crystal commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"When I said "til death do us part" during our wedding vows, I never thought that that would ever happen.. I didn't mean it. He's still apart of me."
19 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm just the same,,it's still we, us, ours I don't want to be I, me or mine. I signed an email jackie n Shirl the other day, realised what I'd done and it nearly killed me. I never want to be a single person"
21 hours ago

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