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ON a scale of 1 to 10
1 Reply

I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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Latest Activity

morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Paul, Each of us have memories of a time and day of the death of our beloved.  Mine just happened to come at a time of the year when normally the excesses of celebrating kick into high gear.  Not better not worse than anyone else's…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Paul,  In particular this time of the year everyone who hasn't lost their love is celebrating.  I used to be one of them. Then one day a long time ago, I took my sick husband to the hospital Xmas Eve day and found out the day after…"
Thursday
Linda Engberg left a comment for morgan
"Morgan, You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. "
Wednesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Wow, Alice......your comment gets to the heart of how we all feel.  thank you......" to live not with him but with other people who are not him"  says it all for me.  Its the reason I end up crying whenever and wherever the…"
Tuesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"There's noting left to say after four years, ten months and 20 days. Nothing other than I daily plea with the universe to let me go. No matter what I do there really is no reason for it. There used to be because I wanted him to be proud of me…"
Monday
morgan commented on Alice Thompson's blog post My life has become a scary nightmare again
"Alice, Its about the acknowledgement.  I feel the same way.  And then when I read the stories of all the people who are just joining this site I want to comfort them by letting them know they are being heard but I cant possibly write to…"
Dec 7
Aaron Hoenig left a comment for morgan
"Morgan, thank you for reaching out.  I am so sorry for your loss to.  I agree that no one can understand the loss of a spouse unless they too have experienced it first hand.  It is a unique loss like losing a child.  I feel after…"
Dec 6
morgan left a comment for Aaron Hoenig
"Aaron, Losing a spouse is horrendous.  Those of us who write here have experienced what I never realized was so prevalent before the internet.  The grief.  The pain.  I never could have understood there were this many people out…"
Dec 5
morgan commented on Alice Thompson's blog post My life has become a scary nightmare again
"Alice, I have been here reading posts and and saw yours and needed to help or maybe its just for me to get something off my chest.  I have stopped writing a lot as i have seen many posts for loss of a mother but not as many for loss of a…"
Dec 5
morgan left a comment for Kristina M. Paddock
"Kristina,  I don't want to make you feel bad but what you are experiencing is so normal for traumatic loss.  The part of feeling paralyzed, difficult to go shopping, or just out of the house.  Feeling it physically.  I know…"
Nov 21
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I don't know how the rest of you are doing but I seem to not be able to get a handle on living.  I function and work but I keep remembering.  And when I do I end up so desperate for him.  I just don't know how much longer I…"
Nov 19
morgan left a comment for Dalana
"Aloha Dalana,  I am so sorry to hear of the death of your husband as having lived on Maui previously I feel a special connection to the spirit of Hawaii and how your spirit is now enduring grief.  One of my husbands and my favorite songs…"
Nov 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John, so sorry you're having a bad day.  I will be approaching five years in January.  The memories of my husband and who he was continue to haunt me everyday.  I am now resigned to knowing that I will not go more than 48 hours…"
Nov 12
Luchka Botha left a comment for morgan
"Hi morgan thanks for the reply. He had leukemia he just got sick one day and died 6 weeks later. We have leukemia in my side of the family. I dont know why he got it thats something i ask myself everyday."
Nov 11
morgan left a comment for Luchka Botha
"Luchka, When I read something like your post I have to wonder to myself "how does a child so young die of cancer?"  Where are these "cancers" originating and how is it they can take hold in such a young body.  I am so…"
Nov 11
JenShep and morgan are now friends
Oct 26

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

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At 1:52pm on December 13, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

At 8:58am on December 6, 2017, Aaron Hoenig said…

Morgan, thank you for reaching out.  I am so sorry for your loss to.  I agree that no one can understand the loss of a spouse unless they too have experienced it first hand.  It is a unique loss like losing a child.  I feel after reading your posts that your support system was either non-existing or has failed you terribly. No one can tell you comfortingly that they know how you feel and to try to move on.  It has only been three weeks since Larry passed.  Some days if feels like forever and somedays it feels like yesterday.  Losing Larry to cancer was hard in that he was wasting physically and mentally.  He knew the disease was taking him slowly and sometimes painfully, especially after treatment.  In a way I am glad for you that you and you beloved did not have to suffer a long drawn out ending, though in my experience it allowed Larry and I to talk and grieve together and is an experience i would never wish away.  Larry strictly forbade me from trying to join him and after the first few hours and days that idea slowly faded.  It has not left completely and never will, but I will learn to live with it like the loss of Larry's physical presence.  I am not a religiously spiritual person and neither was Larry, but we both believe in a spiritual existence after the physical body has stopped functioning.  I know it exists as we have had many experiences with passed loved ones contacting us through signs and presence in reflections in mirrors and windows.  Larry has contacted me and let me know he is ok and I will be too eventually.  He reminded me to find my own strength, especially in the love we shared.  I say this to you today to hopefully give you the strength to look for these signs from your loved one.  They are there, you have to be open for them.  If you are not right now, you will be!  The strength you have in continuing on through the pain, feeling the loss, and feeling like you are wasting away shows you the depth of the love you shared together and your strength.  Use that love and strength.  It will never fail you like people can. 

Please continue to post and chat here.  You need to continue to reach out.  It too is a validation of your personal strength.

Be well and remember to feel the true love you have inside you that was created by you both.

At 1:33am on November 11, 2017, Luchka Botha said…
Hi morgan thanks for the reply. He had leukemia he just got sick one day and died 6 weeks later. We have leukemia in my side of the family. I dont know why he got it thats something i ask myself everyday.
At 6:28pm on October 18, 2017, Cheyenne Steffen said…
Thank you for writing Morgan. I appreciate it so much that you reached out. I have an appointment with a grief counsellor on Monday. I'm looking forward to that and hoping the Dr. Can help. It's very difficult for me not to look ahead too much. I'm a planner by nature so this feeling of limbo is tough. However, I find that it's more painful to think of the future so I'm trying really hard to go hour by hour. Today I got out of the house for a bit. The distraction was good so I'll have to try that more often. I'm very sorry for your loss. It is almost unfathomable how we can live through losing a spouse. I am alive but not really living. I expect it will be that way for a long time.
I'll write again. For now I just wanted to thank you for the kind words.
Cheyenne
At 8:44pm on June 30, 2017, JenShep said…

Hi Morgan,

I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group.  I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall.  27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful.  I thought my 5 months was short.  And it was. But, 27 days?  I don't know what to think about the shortness of time.  I wish I had gotten 5 more years with my love, or 10, or 20!  I wish I was 53 as I was writing this and not 43.  I can't imagine living God knows how many more years are in store for me.  Why can't my life be taken instead of splitting up another soulmate couple? Why can't we go with our loves? Life is so damn unfair.  My husband and I never really spoke about the possibility of his dying.  The only time it really came up was right when he was diagnosed and he said (while crying) "I'm not afraid of dying but I can't leave you." We were convinced that we would be the 1%.  I wonder if he was keeping his feelings from me to protect me or if he truly thought he would kick the cancer, as I did.  Did you and your love talk about the possibility of his dying and leaving you?  It's one of those things that I really need from him.  I need to know what he thinks of this whole thing. I wish we had made some plans or something - like signs he would leave me or wishes he had for me for my future.  He always said that if anything ever happened to me that he would take his life.  I feel guilty that I haven't.  Does that mean I love him less?  I wonder what he would have wanted for my life.  Answers I'll never know.  It sucks.  

At 4:39am on April 4, 2017, Karen Schell said…

Hi Morgan, Thanks for your post. Yes, i would agree with that. Life is so empty and meaning is gone from our world when our love in no longer here in this life with us. It all seems so futile.

You take care too, ((((Hugs))))

At 11:21pm on March 28, 2017, Brian P Mulkerne said…

Hi Morgan, thanks for writing me, I appreciate it. Please see the video I posted. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35E7cin_bs0

At 11:31pm on December 8, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Thank you for the thoughtful words I will try to take the advise of those who have been there
At 12:45pm on July 2, 2016, Steve F said…

Dear Morgan,

I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve

At 12:41am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
I apologize for the double post.

Morgan's Blog

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

Spam has beaten me up too bad

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

Posted on August 26, 2015 at 7:42pm — 2 Comments

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Alice Thompson left a comment for nat
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22 minutes ago
Profile IconKar-Kate Leung, nat, Ambreen and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
2 hours ago
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6 hours ago
Stephanie Coyle joined Courtney Adams's group
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Suicide....Hard Knowing They did it By Their Choice

This is for some of us who have lost someone due to suicide...I miss you Annie!!!See More
15 hours ago
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Linda and Morgan. It just hurts so much for all of us."
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"((((((morgan))))))"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Paul, Each of us have memories of a time and day of the death of our beloved.  Mine just happened to come at a time of the year when normally the excesses of celebrating kick into high gear.  Not better not worse than anyone else's…"
yesterday
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"My friend just lost her husband before Thanksgiving.   I'm trying to reach out to her, because I know how she feels, but she does not seem to want to respond.  She's keeping very busy!  I feel bad for her, but I guess…"
yesterday
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Linda for posting that.   "
yesterday
Peggy left a comment for Dawn W
"Hi Dawn, I saw your posts and wanted to introduce myself.  I'm also in Canada, in Ontario.  I lost my husband suddenly in 2015.  He had cancer but had been given 3 to 5 years and was gone in 8 weeks.  If you'd like to…"
yesterday
kim posted a status
"my beautiful son, its x mas again, ill be with you soon I promise, I love you forever mom"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Alice, I am so sorry, I know you holidays will never be the same again, we just make the best of it. "
yesterday
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I feel the same. My love had a comprehensive stroke on 22 December, and died in hospital at 10pm on New Years Eve. Then I went “home” in a taxi amid fireworks."
Thursday
Profile IconAnn Appa, Alison Eley, Hannah and 3 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Thursday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan & Paul, I feel exactly like you do, I wish I could sleep the holidays away, I find no joy in them, it's just another day I am being tortured."
Thursday
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, As hard as it is for the rest of us to endure the upcoming holidays it must be at least doubly difficult for you given the circumstances your husband and you were dealt with.  To everyone here who has put up with this hell for multiple…"
Thursday
Maxey is now friends with Cheyenne Steffen and Pamela philipp
Thursday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Paul,  In particular this time of the year everyone who hasn't lost their love is celebrating.  I used to be one of them. Then one day a long time ago, I took my sick husband to the hospital Xmas Eve day and found out the day after…"
Thursday
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Count me among those who are looking forward to death after losing my wife. I am absolutely not interested in anything else."
Thursday

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