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ON a scale of 1 to 10
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I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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Latest Activity

morgan commented on Jennifer's blog post The Loss of my Husband.
"Dearest Jennifer, Having read your post I wanted to reach out and say I hope you can find a way to cope with how you feel because this is easily the worst thing I can think of happening to any of us.  It happened to me and you and many others…"
Aug 11
morgan commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Oh no, Linda, not Babie J?  I am so sorry.  It's like life just wants to  keep throwing things at us just to see our breaking point.  I am constantly watching my life just shrink down.  All I want to do is staying bed…"
Jul 29
morgan commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"I have been struggling along trying to improve upon what I was left to deal with without my husbands unfailing support for four and half years.  I still want to die.  Everyday.  And of course he would want for me to not have to suffer…"
Jul 23
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"M Adams,  Sometimes I wonder how it is that if I pay close attention, the world seems to live and breathe using me as its vessel.  Reason I say that is what are the chances that your cat was named Spooky and you are on this website?…"
Jul 21
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Please come and get me baby.......please."
Jul 15
morgan replied to KIM Montgomery's discussion Grief in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kim, we are all looking for some sanity in this forest of grief.  I remember at one point relating how this felt to my sister.  I said:  It's like I am in a forest of trees with lots and lots of fog.  And I run full tilt and…"
Jul 14
morgan replied to Cathy 's discussion My brother's death cirrhosis
"What a beautiful outreach Doug.  I too had a brother die of alcoholism at 52.  He had gone on the wagon several times but I think his reality was just too hard for him to overcome.  Much the same for me now.  I cannot seem to…"
Jul 13
morgan left a comment for Andrea
"Andrea, No one can possibly imagine the devastation of having to live being the one left behind.  Not until it happens to them.   I am at four years and almost six months and I too feel stuck.  Its like all I am doing is functioning…"
Jul 11
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion HEARING HER VOICE AGAIN THRIUGH VOICEMAIL
"Richard, I really can't be of much help. I've dug myself back into my own hole again and as long as I've been alive since my husband's death, I can only try to manage the days even hours at a time. And I don't have nearly…"
Jul 6
JenShep left a comment for morgan
"Hi Morgan, I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group.  I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall.  27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful.  I…"
Jun 30
morgan replied to Richard Rivera's discussion FIGHTING THE GUILT AND DEPTHS OF DEPRESSION in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jackie,  You have some interesting numbers there.  !2 of March 12:15. repeat of 1 & 2.  My husband communicates with me through numbers.  I have gotten 1 & 0 so much and lots of 4's or numbers when I see them that…"
Jun 25
morgan replied to Jackie cooke's discussion Moving on in the group How to move on...
"Jackie & Lost, The loss of our spouse is like nothing we could have ever dreamt it would be.  After 35 years with my husband and having known him for 55 with lots of trial and tribulations in between there are no real set ways of coping.…"
Jun 25
morgan joined Steph's group
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How to move on...

How to move on after the loss of your significant other? Is this possible? When? Navigating through this process while also dealing with your grief. See More
Jun 25
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Melissa, I remember the early days.  I remember wondering about bills and what was I going to do and how was I going to do it because all I wanted to do was lay in the fetal position on my bed and cry and yet I had to go to work and on and on…"
Jun 23
morgan left a comment for Julianna Jenkins
"Its a long time to have your brain wired to someone else's.  I find I am still struggling pretty much daily, sometimes moe severe than others.  Right now I am going through having to pack up and move from one place I lived to another…"
Jun 23

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (41 comments)

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At 8:44pm on June 30, 2017, JenShep said…

Hi Morgan,

I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group.  I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall.  27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful.  I thought my 5 months was short.  And it was. But, 27 days?  I don't know what to think about the shortness of time.  I wish I had gotten 5 more years with my love, or 10, or 20!  I wish I was 53 as I was writing this and not 43.  I can't imagine living God knows how many more years are in store for me.  Why can't my life be taken instead of splitting up another soulmate couple? Why can't we go with our loves? Life is so damn unfair.  My husband and I never really spoke about the possibility of his dying.  The only time it really came up was right when he was diagnosed and he said (while crying) "I'm not afraid of dying but I can't leave you." We were convinced that we would be the 1%.  I wonder if he was keeping his feelings from me to protect me or if he truly thought he would kick the cancer, as I did.  Did you and your love talk about the possibility of his dying and leaving you?  It's one of those things that I really need from him.  I need to know what he thinks of this whole thing. I wish we had made some plans or something - like signs he would leave me or wishes he had for me for my future.  He always said that if anything ever happened to me that he would take his life.  I feel guilty that I haven't.  Does that mean I love him less?  I wonder what he would have wanted for my life.  Answers I'll never know.  It sucks.  

At 4:39am on April 4, 2017, Karen Schell said…

Hi Morgan, Thanks for your post. Yes, i would agree with that. Life is so empty and meaning is gone from our world when our love in no longer here in this life with us. It all seems so futile.

You take care too, ((((Hugs))))

At 11:21pm on March 28, 2017, Brian P Mulkerne said…

Hi Morgan, thanks for writing me, I appreciate it. Please see the video I posted. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35E7cin_bs0

At 11:31pm on December 8, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Thank you for the thoughtful words I will try to take the advise of those who have been there
At 12:45pm on July 2, 2016, Steve F said…

Dear Morgan,

I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve

At 12:41am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
I apologize for the double post.
At 12:40am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
At 11:54am on June 3, 2016, Steve F said…

Morgan,

Don't know where in this world you live so I don't know if the midnight date-mark on your e-mail means it was sent late at night. I have always been a late-night person and cannot fall asleep since losing my spouse until about 3:00 AM. I fall asleep each night crying and knowing that I will awake, once again, in the AM totally alone.

I will try to follow your advice to ignore the bastards of the world who seek to do me harm. We have enough on our plates with grieving to bother with their nastiness. Still must question if most people are so inherently evil that they will go out of their way to actively hurt us and why.

I envy that you knew your spouse since the 2nd grade. I did not meet mine until I was 23 1/2 but we had 53 years of great happiness together and I am grateful for that. Never knew of hatred or animosity when my beloved was alive. Perhaps I was blinded by love and did not see what really existed. I despair of the devisiveness and animosity that now pervades our current politics. I came of age in the days of "Camelot"; the JFK years of the 60's when there was great hope for a golden future. And my love and I enjoyed many golden years together. We had a city apartment and country home and in retirement we spent time in both as the mood struck us.

So I am appreciative of the many years of joy we had and am reassured that I will someday, once, again, be by my beloved's side. Our spouses now only exist in our memories and when we are gone, they too will totally disappear from this world. But our spirits will be eternally rejoined.

Stay strong...

Steve

At 10:49am on June 2, 2016, Steve F said…

You're insightful in your analysis of  people. But it's not easy to ignore them. When my love was alive I never faced such deceit and can't fathom why it is happening now that he is gone.  I look for some logic for their actions and cannot find any. Why has all this surfaced at this very late point in my life? What is there that instigates such nastiness?

My nephew and godson said he'll no longer drive me to my beloved’s cemetery and that my love will be “glad he no longer has to listen to me whine about my loss” at his grave site. What provokes such hate as to cause my nephew to judge our relationship and determine what my love would think?

Friends have determined that I, of a different faith than my beloved, did not provide a proper Roman Catholic Wake and Funeral Mass or bury him in a consecrated Catholic cemetery. My love and I entrusted our livesw and eternal souls to each other and long-ago after founding we were abandoned by our religions. Who are they to preach what is proper in where and how we are to be buried?

An elderly widow I befriended when her husband and my spouse both briefly shared a hospital room for Leukemia shortly before her husband of of 60 years passed away irrationally and suddenly told me I was a hateful person and shuns me.  Until this we had so much in common and became fast friends; going to theatre, museums and films. What instigated this?

Steve

 

At 7:35pm on May 31, 2016, Steve F said…

Hi Morgan,

"You have been catapulted into a different universe now.   You only will try to participate in the old one but you no longer "live" there.  I constantly have to try and tell myself my lover is still with me and as hard as that is it is all I've got.  Other than that I just manage the days."

You have captured the essence of my grief and loneliness in those very concise and poetic lines. No one has come even close to understanding what I am going through, except you, after a wonderful lifetime with my first and only love of 53 years. I thank you for your insight.

But the loss of my spouse is not my only problem. I also face  cruel abandonment by family and supposed friends; the latter of which have publicly chastised me on an Internet blog for not providing my spouse the Wake and Mass of Mother Church which they deem proper. So they shun me, and sit in judgment of me in spite of the fact that I arranged for the graveside burial in a non-denominational cemetery my spouse and I jointly and specifically selected shortly before his passing. It resolved a whole series of legal, social and religious issues. It is where where we will rest, for eternity, side by side. My love had entrusted me with his life and eternal soul, as I did with him, and no one has the right to question that. Their hatred is like a cancer which will ultimately consume them.

Thank you agin for you underastanding, Steve

Morgan's Blog

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

Spam has beaten me up too bad

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

Posted on August 26, 2015 at 7:42pm — 2 Comments

 
 
 

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Latest Activity

Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everybody has a loving good weekend and let's celebrate our Mom's for giving us life. I love you Mama!!"
2 hours ago
Linda Engberg replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, It has been 4 years since I lost my Husband and soulmate to cancer. My family and friends tell me that time will things better. To tell you the truth the only way I keep my sanity, is adopting a dog and seeing my therapist and…"
8 hours ago
KIM Montgomery replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, my husband passed May 2, 2017.  We had a wonderful marriage and we loved each other with all of our hearts.  Jack was an awesome person.  I am currently going through this with my own family.  I am away from my family…"
10 hours ago
KIM Montgomery commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full…"
15 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

Repost: Is It Wrong to Grieve?

Is It Wrong to Grieve?Have you ever had a brief bout with illness? Perhaps you recovered so quickly that you have practically forgotten the episode. Well, grief is not like that. “There is no such thing as ‘getting over’ grief,” writes Dr. Alan Wolfelt in his book Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart. However, he adds: “Over time and with the support of others, your grief will soften.”As an example, consider how the patriarch Abraham reacted when his wife died. The Bible says that “Abraham began…See More
17 hours ago
Angela commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"I think because my daughter is giving me my first grand child it has blocked out some of the hurt I feel. Even though I am not crying I do think about my mom all the time, everyday"
yesterday
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, I remember when the anger started burning inside me too. It was horrible and ugly and scary, and immensely powerful. I felt afraid to open my mouth in front of others in case I screamed and yelled and told them what I thought of them and…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My mom loved Judge Judy. You couldn't convince her that was not a real courtroom. She also loved The Shark Tank and Everybody Loves Raymond. It all seems like just yesterday since we watched those shows together. I love those shows, too, but it…"
yesterday
John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello AnneJ and everyone,  In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since I lost all that mattered to me.  Six months ago I started unpacking and hung some pictures where I live now.  I did it out of embarrassment rather than a desire…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
":)"
yesterday
Jennifer added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...
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They don't understand.

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks about her husband dying flippantly she says things like "I know if _____ died I would use the insurance money to go on that vacation he never wants to go on."  Then in the next breath "Are you still going on your cruise next year?  I could take (my husband's) place if you want so you're not alone."…See More
yesterday
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Today was a good day! I love you and thank you so very much Mama! I think of you everyday while cleaning up your home and getting it ready for sale. It is still hard for me to go there and not seeing you watching Dr.Phil and judge Judy! I have not…"
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I am just learning this new place to talk. Not real sure how it works. I will stop in again. Thinking alot tonite of my husband. Sad."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"I get sad when I see family together. My son who is an only child I feel pain for. He lost the person he loved so much and talked to alot."
yesterday
Beth Swansboro posted a status
"Been reading the articles past few days. Lost my husband Nov. 2015. Not a day goes by I wish he were here. I will like being able to be here"
yesterday
Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Apparently, I have found the anger that my counselor and everyone else has been saying I was going to feel.  To this point, all I have felt is sad or numb.  Well, the last 2 days I have not been able to stand to see happy families.…"
yesterday
Diane commented on Angela's blog post I lost My Mom
"My mom had renal failure , she passed away December 2015. I still miss her everyday of my breathing, during this time I had broken my right wrist on a Friday Dec. 11 2015 my mom died on the 17. The pain was in so many directions, leaving the…"
yesterday
Diane posted a status
"It's been 2 years since my mom died, I still miss her , it will be 3 years really in December. I miss u mom. Love you so much,"
yesterday
Abigail Noell and Brenda Ann are now friends
yesterday
AnneJ commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi, Linda. I feel the same way as you. I feel like you could walk right into my home, sit down, and we wouldn't have to say a word and be completely understood by one another. It's been 3 years and 10 months since my Beloved man died, the…"
yesterday

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