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Comment by Callie on January 8, 2022 at 5:28pm

Hi, thank you for being here. I’m so glad I found this site. My heart is aching and everything around me just seems to be a blur. I have managed to keep our secret for the majority of my life so for some reason sharing it almost feels like a betrayal.
Our love and our relationship have been our secret for the past 25 years. No one has ever known. We are both in our third marriage but we have never been able to let go…..we have never wanted to. Over the years we’ve lost contact but we always seem to find each other again. He even moved across state lines just so we could be closer together. He loves his wife and I love my husband but this has always been something different….. something unshakable.
He called me yesterday to tell me he has stage four cancer. I’m not even sure what he said after that. I have loved him for more than half my life and I can’t imagine this world without him in it. There’s never been a A written letter between us, not a single photograph ever taken..only moments that have created memories I’ll cherish forever. When he’s gone I’ll have no one left to share these memories with they will be mine alone. They’ll be no one to share my grief with..it will be mine alone.

Comment by Money on August 28, 2021 at 6:14am

Thank you! I need support right about now!

Comment by Tina on August 27, 2021 at 5:03pm

Hi Money,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is never easy to lose someone but to lost a love that was a secret feels so much worse.  However, through this group I am found great support and having the chance to talk to them has really helped.  I hope that I can be part of the support for you as these women have been for me.

Comment by Money on August 25, 2021 at 8:52pm

Thank you. but I haven’t cried yet and I don’t know why. I’m just tearing up inside while putting a smile on my face. 

Comment by Addie on August 22, 2021 at 8:12pm

Money,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It does get better and the pain dulls somewhat. It’s been 2.5 years for me, and now I can think of him without despairing, though I still miss him so much. Grieving in secret makes it so much more intense. I was suicidal in the months after but had to hide it all from my family. I recommend a good counselor, someone who will listen and not judge.

Comment by Kelly on August 22, 2021 at 8:03pm

Hello Money -

So sorry you are going through this. I wish I had a magic thing to say about coming to peace with it. All I can tell you is that you need to gather around you some people who make you feel supported and that in time it will become easier to manage. I am 2.5 years past his death. It’s not a constant pain anymore.

Comment by Money on August 22, 2021 at 7:29am

Good morning, 

I’m new here to this group in search of help, advise, and to express my feelings to those who can relate to my feelings of losing a lover of 10years. 

I am a newlywed and married my husband whom I’ve been with for 18 years. And two days after wedding my best friend and lover died and 3 days after my birthday he was laid to rest. 

I am so hurt but I can’t express it, I can’t cry out or grieve because only a few people know. In addition we have a child together, which my child only knows my husband as her dad. My lover knew he that he was her biological child but he never pressured me to tell the truth and I never planned too. 

I went to the wake but I did not go to the funeral or burial. His last message to me was “ am I ever going to see you again” I miss him so much and no one knows how much pain I am in.

I really want to reach out to his family but I do not want to open a can worms that can jeopardize my household.

What can I do to be a peace with not having my love not in my life anymore?

Comment by Kelly on April 1, 2021 at 3:23pm

I came on here 2 years ago when my bf was killed. At that time there were few posts and everyone was talking about an ex bf dying. I just couldn’t write anything. Reading your posts, which are a couple months old now, about 10 days and 5 months since their death brings me back to those first days and months. So hard to look at. I thought I should be in a mental hospital. I felt insane. Crawling thru the days and not sleeping at night. I got a therapist I could talk about him with. Some help but not really. It’s music and alcohol that get to me. I stopped drinking for many months. Sometimes I listen to the songs that remind me of him on purpose to bring it on, to feel him, to make it hurt. Sometimes I avoid that playlist. Sometimes I accept invitations to go out for drinks, sometimes I avoid people. I never drink at home anymore. I avoid going out drinking when I know it’s a bad time for me. I’ve learned to take care of myself that way at least. Read “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” and watch the documentary “Speaking Grief”.

Comment by Linda Baker on January 20, 2021 at 1:12am

I'm new here and so happy to find this group. I lost my Soulmate 5 weeks ago today. We knew each other for over 40 years and he was my crutch and fixed every problem for me (very codependent).
Was hoping to get a pinch of his ashes for a necklace but his wife is a bitch. We were BFFs in recent times but were engaged at one point when they were separated. His wife just learned about this and thinks we both lied to her as someone told her we were still engaged when he passed away. Not true, engagement ended 4.5 years ago when he went Code Blue and that caused them to decide to work on their marriage.
I'm lost without him, especially when my adult daughter and I argue. He was always my voice of reason and knew everything about me so knew how to calm me down. Now I don't have anyone.
Theres lots to catch up.on but that's a nutshell version for now.

Comment by Addie on August 27, 2020 at 12:26pm

Jo, I’m so sorry. Last year, when I lost my love, I read somewhere that grief is like a ball in a box, and in that box is a pain button. At the beginning of grief, the ball is huge and so the pain button is always getting hit. As time goes on, the ball gets smaller, but when the button gets hit, it still hurts as badly as it did in the beginning. I’m finding this to be very accurate. My pain button was hit constantly in the beginning by every sight or smell or thought that produced a memory. It doesn’t get hit as often now, but when it does, it still hurts like hell. Your pain button is probably hit 100 times a day. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

I also read that grieving people need to be able to tell their stories. That is what is extra hard for those of us in secret relationships. Who do we tell our stories to? I was lucky to have two friends to confide in and I got a counselor, but I wasn’t able to publicly grieve or take off work or cry in front of my family. That is brutal. So I wanted to let any of you know that if you want to tell your stories to me and talk about your loved ones, Im here to listen.

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