Being the Other Woman/Other Man

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Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situation

Members: 22
Latest Activity: Oct 26, 2018

Discussion Forum

So many questions

Last weekend I found out that the man who was my lover and best friend for 10 years has died. Not only is he dead...he was murdered, nearly 2 months ago and I had been so busy and disconnected from…Continue

Started by Amy R Oct 26, 2018.

I lost a loved one, what now? 2 Replies

Hello, I'm new here. He had a heart attack while with me, I had to call the wife to tell her what happened but denied that I was the other woman. I had to grieve on my own. There was one other person…Continue

Started by Maia. Last reply by Maia Aug 3, 2018.

This has been so hard.. 4 Replies

My relationship started 30 years ago...we knew each other in h.s. We both went our separate ways...talked thru the years..had other marriages..but we connected again two years ago.we both were in…Continue

Started by Lori. Last reply by Krista L Aug 3, 2018.

Still crying 4 Replies

Hello! I am new here...I really need some words of encouragement! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me! A year this past February, I lost my first love, high school sweetheart and…Continue

Started by Veronica. Last reply by Krista L Jul 18, 2018.

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Comment by Suzy on October 26, 2018 at 8:44pm
Grieving alone is the worst part, not being able to share the pain with ppl who knew him, keeping it secret. I totally relate to everything you wrote. Know there are others experiencing the same, so we're here. x
Comment by Chanel on August 14, 2018 at 6:34pm
I'm sorry to hear that you're still going through a tough time, Rain. I feel like some days I'm okay and others I'm struggling. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.
Comment by Rain on August 14, 2018 at 12:30am
It's been almost two years for me. It doesn't hurt any less. Some days I push it away but then all of a sudden every bit of it hits like a ton of bricks. I did tell a few of my best friends and I mostly regret it. Now I feel it's just something to worry about and they don't understand. People only give you so long to "be sad" then they just want you to be you again. I won't ever be me again. Sometimes I don't feel like anything is real.
Comment by Chanel on August 3, 2018 at 4:06pm
Thank you Krista for your thoughtful comment. I'm glad that I have a place where I can talk to my fomer lover. I don't know who to turn to, as I'm lost. I have a friend who's involved with a marry man but she has no idea what it's like when your married man passed away, no offense to her. I can't tell my friends and I sure as hell can't tell my family. I'm afraid that I'll get shamed or shunned.

I don't know what to call him. I'll call him M. I'll call him my man. One part about your comment resonated with me. You mentioned the last time you saw your man and what he said. My man told me the same thing. He's never been so happy in so many years and felt the kind of love he felt with me.

I keep those moments close to my heart and in my head. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose those memories of him. I'm afraid I will.

M is irreplacable. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone else like him. I wish I could though, to fill the void. I noticed it's hard for you. But what do you do on your toughest days? How do you persevere?
Comment by Krista L on August 3, 2018 at 4:50am

Chanel, I still check in every few weeks. I lost my guy a year and a half ago and I still talk to him every day. I miss him just as much as the day he died. I don't think there is any time line for grief. I don't think I will ever stop loving him and missing him and feeling like there is a big hole in my life where B used to be. It is getting a little better in that I don't think of him every single minute of every day like I did a year ago. I still feel his presence around me and I hear him telling me he loves me. I think of all the love we had together and all of the happy times and it makes me feel better and it lifts my spirit. He said something to me the last time we were able to spend a weekend together and when we knew we wouldn't be able to see each other much after that. He told me that most people never got to experience the kind of love we had for each other and, no matter what, no one could take away from us what we shared with each other. I hold onto those memories and they bring back the love we had and I feel it again.

I wish you well on your journey. If you want to talk to me, I am available. I, too, am still having a hard time and it helps to talk about him.

Comment by Chanel on August 2, 2018 at 5:35pm

Is this group still around? I'm having a hard time with my loss. It's been a few months and I still miss him. I was involved with a married man who died in a sudden and horrific accident. I miss him a lot and I feel lost without him. I miss his presence. I miss being with him. I don't know where else to turn to. There aren't many groups like this around.

Comment by Krista L on July 18, 2018 at 3:48am

Thank you Darien for the encouraging words. I have been talking to Veronica in the Discussion "Still crying". It has helped me tremendously just to unload some of my thoughts about being in a relationship with a married man. My memories and how I feel about him. My way of grieving is to talk about that person and I have no one to talk to when funny little things he said pop up or jokes he would tell or any reminders and memories come to the surface. I just want to talk about him all the time and I am afraid that all my friends who know about us are really tired of hearing me talk about the dead love of my life. I loved him so much and he was everything to me. More a husband to me than my real husband. Widows get to talk about their dead spouses and everyone gives them sympathy. I talk about my dead lover spouse and everyone changes the subject or shames me. He was just as important to me as any spouse but I can't talk about him or our wonderful relationship. That is why I am so glad I found this group. Thank you so much for responding. What is your story? Is it on here somewhere? I am glad you are doing better. I am not quite to the place you are but I am looking forward more these days than I had been. Thank you again for your kindness. 

Comment by Darien on July 17, 2018 at 11:13pm

Hello Krista,
I'm afraid this forum isn't as active as some of us would like. I remember when I first came out here two years ago, raw with emotion. I still have times when I find myself still grieving, although it isn't as painful now as it was. I had the luxury of being able to grieve a little more openly, in that I was single, so I didn't have to keep up pretenses. I feel for you there. It's incredibly hard under the best of circumstances, and you do not have the easiest circumstances to deal with.
I know it sounds trite and unhelpful, but grief takes the time it takes. That you cannot openly grieve is more painful, but grief will not be denied its due. Depending on your age, maybe you can allow yourself to mask venting some of the emotions by claiming "hormones." Maybe take some time alone somehow to allow yourself to cry and do whatever you can to express some of what's pent up inside you.
After the worst of my grief washed through me, I found that there have been some positives come from giving in and allowing grief to have its way with me. I thought I would die too, but I came out stronger and with more clarity and purpose in living my life going forward. Every day was hard for a long time, and I still don't really have any strong emotions of happiness no matter what goes well in my life. But I do have contentment and a sense of purpose, so I hope that you gain some of that soon too.
I don't really know what else to say. I don't have all the answers. You are not alone. You have a purpose and a destiny to fulfill. You can get through this.

Comment by Krista L on July 10, 2018 at 2:40am

I relate to so many of your stories. I lost my lover a year and 4 months ago. My biggest problem is that I don't feel as if I can grieve him. I have to stuff it all inside myself and never just let go. I have to keep up the pretense that I am happy and normal for my husband and my kids even though I feel like I am dying inside. I miss him so very much. I think it is taking me so much longer to let him go because I can't grieve for him openly. I am glad I have found this group so that maybe I can vent a little and know that others understand where I am coming from.

Comment by Monique on February 5, 2018 at 8:57am

Hi I'm new to the group as of today.  I'm not too sure what I'm doing.  My best friend, my soul mate for the past 9 years passed away unexpectedly w/cardiac arrest and aneurysm.  Dec 3rd 2017. 

He's going to have a Birthday this Thursday Feb 8th going to be 49.  I have been super depressed.  I started an antidepressant medication.  Started talking to a counselor.  (She mostly talked about herself).  I'm starting to be obsessed w/ where you go when you die.  I was brought up Catholic and I believe in Haven but I question everything now.  Every time I see someone I ask them "where do you think we go when we die"  I get various responses, from were grass food, energy and change our form, Haven but they can't not see us because Haven has no  pain and if he see's me in this much pain, he would be in pain. 

  I have an appointment with a medium on Sunday.  Some people tell me it's demonic to see a medium. 

I just want some kind of connection to him.  I want to know for a solid fact I will be with him again.  I need direction from anyone. Thx  I feel I'm going crazy.  I have all my voice mails from him the night before he passed away.  His mom knew about me and is being super supportive but also I sometimes feel it a conspiracy only so his family don't find out about me.  I get it they want to keep his reputation.

 

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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled…"
46 minutes ago
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   "
2 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I,m grateful that I found this site.  It's sort of like besides my family, you all are the only friends I have left.  I do have a couple that are long distance, but don't get to see them very often.  All my so called local…"
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here's one of our permanent bed with names blocked out."
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, We went on that same excursion off a cruise in 2003.  Here is a pic that was taken on the ship when we renewed our vows at a ceremony performed by the Captain."
3 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan & Joe, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I…"
8 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long…"
17 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it…"
yesterday
Emma is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted a status
"Can't sleep. Typical, my daughter goes back to college in the morning and I am having a hard time with that."
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted photos
yesterday
mindy replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"I guess I'm doing ok I was in the middle of a family fued Christmas day night so I been keeping to myself I check out that site but don't have the money to pay for it I'm disabled"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon…"
Friday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and…"
Friday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them. My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue...."
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma…"
Friday
Margaret Whitehouse commented on mary snell's group hi
"I know how you feel. I lost my mom Jan 6, 2019 and it is so raw and all I do is cry. I was in the room when she passed and had been all day. My regret is I wasn't holding her hand when she took her last breath. She had dementia and I saw her 3…"
Thursday
Margaret Whitehouse joined mary snell's group
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hi I recantly lost my mom two weeks ago I'm still missing her and I wish that i could of said good bye to her before said passed away See More
Thursday
Brenda Ann replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"Mindy, I am not a doctor but I am a student of the Bible. It seems that you are suffering from anxiety over your past. Humans including ourselves seem to filter the good things we have done and focus on the "bad". But God is the opposite.…"
Wednesday

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