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Comment by Addie on March 21, 2019 at 1:23pm

I had a relationship with someone for 5 years. I am married, and wasn't ready to leave my husband. So this man and I met infrequently (every month or 2) and talked a lot through text, but I felt like we had a very close bond. He finally told me this fall that he was living with someone, but that it was just an arrangement of convenience for him. I spent his last birthday with him, and he said he loved me and that all he wanted for his birthday was to spend it with me. He died exactly a month ago in a car accident, and I'm left with feelings of sadness, Loss, regret, and jealousy that I can't express. At the beginning of the relationship, he hinted that he wanted more than an affair, that he wanted me to leave my husband. I'll never know now what could have been or whether he ever really did want that, or whether I even mattered to him as much as he did to me. I feel hopeless but have to keep up a good face for my family, who wouldn't understand my sadness.

Comment by Suzy on October 26, 2018 at 8:44pm

Grieving alone is the worst part, not being able to share the pain with ppl who knew him, keeping it secret. I totally relate to everything you wrote. Know there are others experiencing the same, so we're here. x

Comment by Dana on August 14, 2018 at 6:34pm

I'm sorry to hear that you're still going through a tough time, Rain. I feel like some days I'm okay and others I'm struggling. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

Comment by Rain on August 14, 2018 at 12:30am

It's been almost two years for me. It doesn't hurt any less. Some days I push it away but then all of a sudden every bit of it hits like a ton of bricks. I did tell a few of my best friends and I mostly regret it. Now I feel it's just something to worry about and they don't understand. People only give you so long to "be sad" then they just want you to be you again. I won't ever be me again. Sometimes I don't feel like anything is real.

Comment by Dana on August 3, 2018 at 4:06pm

Thank you Krista for your thoughtful comment. I'm glad that I have a place where I can talk to my fomer lover. I don't know who to turn to, as I'm lost. I have a friend who's involved with a marry man but she has no idea what it's like when your married man passed away, no offense to her. I can't tell my friends and I sure as hell can't tell my family. I'm afraid that I'll get shamed or shunned.

I don't know what to call him. I'll call him M. I'll call him my man. One part about your comment resonated with me. You mentioned the last time you saw your man and what he said. My man told me the same thing. He's never been so happy in so many years and felt the kind of love he felt with me.

I keep those moments close to my heart and in my head. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose those memories of him. I'm afraid I will.

M is irreplacable. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone else like him. I wish I could though, to fill the void. I noticed it's hard for you. But what do you do on your toughest days? How do you persevere?

Comment by Krista L on August 3, 2018 at 4:50am

Chanel, I still check in every few weeks. I lost my guy a year and a half ago and I still talk to him every day. I miss him just as much as the day he died. I don't think there is any time line for grief. I don't think I will ever stop loving him and missing him and feeling like there is a big hole in my life where B used to be. It is getting a little better in that I don't think of him every single minute of every day like I did a year ago. I still feel his presence around me and I hear him telling me he loves me. I think of all the love we had together and all of the happy times and it makes me feel better and it lifts my spirit. He said something to me the last time we were able to spend a weekend together and when we knew we wouldn't be able to see each other much after that. He told me that most people never got to experience the kind of love we had for each other and, no matter what, no one could take away from us what we shared with each other. I hold onto those memories and they bring back the love we had and I feel it again.

I wish you well on your journey. If you want to talk to me, I am available. I, too, am still having a hard time and it helps to talk about him.

Comment by Dana on August 2, 2018 at 5:35pm

Is this group still around? I'm having a hard time with my loss. It's been a few months and I still miss him. I was involved with a married man who died in a sudden and horrific accident. I miss him a lot and I feel lost without him. I miss his presence. I miss being with him. I don't know where else to turn to. There aren't many groups like this around.

Comment by Krista L on July 18, 2018 at 3:48am

Thank you Darien for the encouraging words. I have been talking to Veronica in the Discussion "Still crying". It has helped me tremendously just to unload some of my thoughts about being in a relationship with a married man. My memories and how I feel about him. My way of grieving is to talk about that person and I have no one to talk to when funny little things he said pop up or jokes he would tell or any reminders and memories come to the surface. I just want to talk about him all the time and I am afraid that all my friends who know about us are really tired of hearing me talk about the dead love of my life. I loved him so much and he was everything to me. More a husband to me than my real husband. Widows get to talk about their dead spouses and everyone gives them sympathy. I talk about my dead lover spouse and everyone changes the subject or shames me. He was just as important to me as any spouse but I can't talk about him or our wonderful relationship. That is why I am so glad I found this group. Thank you so much for responding. What is your story? Is it on here somewhere? I am glad you are doing better. I am not quite to the place you are but I am looking forward more these days than I had been. Thank you again for your kindness. 

Comment by Darien on July 17, 2018 at 11:13pm

Hello Krista,
I'm afraid this forum isn't as active as some of us would like. I remember when I first came out here two years ago, raw with emotion. I still have times when I find myself still grieving, although it isn't as painful now as it was. I had the luxury of being able to grieve a little more openly, in that I was single, so I didn't have to keep up pretenses. I feel for you there. It's incredibly hard under the best of circumstances, and you do not have the easiest circumstances to deal with.
I know it sounds trite and unhelpful, but grief takes the time it takes. That you cannot openly grieve is more painful, but grief will not be denied its due. Depending on your age, maybe you can allow yourself to mask venting some of the emotions by claiming "hormones." Maybe take some time alone somehow to allow yourself to cry and do whatever you can to express some of what's pent up inside you.
After the worst of my grief washed through me, I found that there have been some positives come from giving in and allowing grief to have its way with me. I thought I would die too, but I came out stronger and with more clarity and purpose in living my life going forward. Every day was hard for a long time, and I still don't really have any strong emotions of happiness no matter what goes well in my life. But I do have contentment and a sense of purpose, so I hope that you gain some of that soon too.
I don't really know what else to say. I don't have all the answers. You are not alone. You have a purpose and a destiny to fulfill. You can get through this.

Comment by Krista L on July 10, 2018 at 2:40am

I relate to so many of your stories. I lost my lover a year and 4 months ago. My biggest problem is that I don't feel as if I can grieve him. I have to stuff it all inside myself and never just let go. I have to keep up the pretense that I am happy and normal for my husband and my kids even though I feel like I am dying inside. I miss him so very much. I think it is taking me so much longer to let him go because I can't grieve for him openly. I am glad I have found this group so that maybe I can vent a little and know that others understand where I am coming from.

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