Mel Royer
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  • Roanoke, VA
  • United States
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REQUIEM
4 Replies

On this bright and early morning of Black Friday, when I have already been up since 1:30.I still ponder the pointlessness of it all.  I post this little ditty about my feelings on the…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Maxey Nov 29, 2016.

A Visit!
2 Replies

Like everyone on this site, I have been going through hell since my wife passed away, April 29th, 2015.  The past few weeks it has gotten worse until last night.  It was the middle of the night and,…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Shoresh Jul 28, 2016.

The First year Is Here!

Well, I opened my eyes..once again...and slowly reaiized that  It is here!  the first anniversary of the morning I held Nancy in my arms and she died! I am shell shocked!  Numb and panic stricken at…Continue

Started Apr 29, 2016

A Way Out!
15 Replies

I know we all talk left handedly about taking our own lives to escape our pain or, in my case, pain and reuniting with Nancy! But, how far have we gone towards actually making our plans for the great…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by bluebird May 5, 2016.

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Mel Royer replied to Linda Engberg's discussion Every Year It Just Gets Worse
"Well, it has arrived....anniversary #2. Not just yet...I need some self taunting first. I can't help it. Like Linda and morgan and everyone else, nothing changes....days fold into days and the darkness and despair excels. So, I must be taunted…"
Apr 3
Mel Royer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John....I am terrified of not remembering Nancy's voice. I have a recording that I listen to frequently so I don't forget. If I were to forget what she sounds like I would feel as if I lost everything. I understand your fear!  Take…"
Mar 13
Mel Royer and Maxey are now friends
Feb 23
Mel Royer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John....I also recall the moment when my wife passed as any sign of life disappeared from her eyes. I remember being numb and trying to close her eyes, they were half open...I remember thinking that wasn't right..her eyes should be fully closed…"
Feb 23
Mel Royer posted an album

My Nancy and Me

Various pics over the years of My late Nancy and me enjoying our lives.
Jan 21
Carl accomando left a comment for Mel Royer
"Mel,my wife also died in my arms and her death was not expected she had a severe reaction to immune therapy and was put at our request in palative care where her our whole family was there when she passed I layers in bed and held her talking and…"
Dec 30, 2016
Alice Thompson commented on Mel Royer's blog post Deleted "Barrel" Verse
"Thank you, Mel, that is so good to hear. So many of us know what it's like to be right down there, desperate for a way out of this. I think we should all feel free to express here just what that feels like that, because we can't do it…"
Dec 29, 2016
Diana, Grief Counselor commented on Mel Royer's blog post Deleted "Barrel" Verse
"I have always believed we are eternal beings who will never be separated from our loved ones and will see them again.  There has been much evidence of near death experiences where people have seen their loved ones during their NDE.  "
Dec 29, 2016
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Deleted "Barrel" Verse

Didn't mean to startle anyone. I didn't realize when I removed the "How long is the barrel"  blog it would remove all the posts as well.  At any rate, In the eloquently phrased words of Morgan, this is not a perfect world and that's when I realized Nancy would have none of this at all...so, right off the table it went. Now.I will join the "walk" and continue with everyone else here, walking together no matter how much of a bitch it may seem to be. The only other option is probably not the best…See More
Dec 29, 2016
Mel Royer joined Jesse's Mom's group
Dec 28, 2016
Mel Royer replied to Linda Engberg's discussion Still Lost
"Thanks for your support, Carla, I am a long term, happy member of a methodist denomination and have no desire to  change that affiliation. Thank you for your scripture quotes. I frequently refer myself to the good book and find consolation…"
Dec 27, 2016
Mel Royer and Carla E are now friends
Dec 27, 2016
Maxey replied to Mel Royer's discussion REQUIEM
"Solitude is the correct word! I sit here tonight, and I actually "hear" the silence! I hate it; it is deafening, lonely, sad, and unbearable. I have to get up soon since I feel like I am in that movie where I am the only person left on…"
Nov 29, 2016
morgan replied to Mel Royer's discussion REQUIEM
"Amen to your requiem......"
Nov 25, 2016
Mel Royer replied to Mel Royer's discussion REQUIEM
"Hey Michael......I wrote that little verse at 3am this morning. I was thinking about the holidays kicking in and all the time Nancy and I spent fighting the mall traffic, the people, the sales clerks and how much we hated that part of the holiday.…"
Nov 25, 2016
Michael replied to Mel Royer's discussion REQUIEM
"I feel the same way. Very difficult. Tell me there is hope, please."
Nov 25, 2016

Profile Information

About Me:
Retired and former radio broadcaster working as
I can freelance from my home
About my Loss:
My wife had a stroke in Feb 2013. In April 2015
she died in my arms. I continue to experience extreme difficulty dealing with it. Apart from a PT Aide, I was her sole caregiver and this death was not expected.

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Mel Royer's Blog

Deleted "Barrel" Verse

Didn't mean to startle anyone. I didn't realize when I removed the "How long is the barrel"  blog it would remove all the posts as well.  At any rate, In the eloquently phrased words of Morgan, this is not a perfect world and that's when I realized Nancy would have none of this at all...so, right off the table it went. Now.I will join the "walk" and continue with everyone else here, walking together no matter how much of a bitch it may seem to be. The only other option is probably not the…

Continue

Posted on December 29, 2016 at 3:10pm — 3 Comments

After watching an amazing short film "Paper Memories", Google search for it,...it's worth it! Especially for us!

I wrote this after watching "Paper Memories". Nothing spectacular, the poem not the film, but after rummaging through some photos of my own, Nancy and I, I could see a sort of parallel.

Oh, But could an old photograph or two bless these, our weary souls that worry still.. and then extinguish all breath which remains to place us at last, together again.

Posted on June 23, 2016 at 11:00am

A couple of verses...for what they're worth!

I wrote a couple of verses describing the rending, pillaging of the soul that is the only thing grief can offer us. 

"Here as time runs, endlessly, shore to shore then back again, waves of despair to never end, to never resolve and close upon  this terrible span of days.”  

and then-

"Bleaker shadows keeping vigil in the corners of my room, expressing deeper sorrow, shedding tears of deeper gloom.” 

Posted on April 20, 2016 at 9:03am

A Day Of Dreams or Nancy comes to receive me!

There was a morning last month, I sensed the strong presence of my soul mate. I felt the need to write an emotional treatise of sorts, what morphed into a free verse.  I call it "A day of Dreams".  It became my own "balm in Gilead".

A DREAM OF DAYS     M. Royer    02/17/2016  (Reunion)

SOMEWHERE, OUT BEYOND THE COUNTY LINE SHE WAITS

IN A STAND OF DISTANT TREES…

Continue

Posted on March 18, 2016 at 9:04am — 1 Comment

Comment Wall (7 comments)

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At 6:23am on December 30, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Mel,my wife also died in my arms and her death was not expected she had a severe reaction to immune therapy and was put at our request in palative care where her our whole family was there when she passed I layers in bed and held her talking and telling her I love her now I keep reliving it even though at the time it was comforting.My son is a manager of food and restaurants at hotel Roanoke my daughter and soninlaw are teachers there . My son also worked in radio in Florida and did STAND up comedy .So next time I go I'll let you know I think it would be helpful to share our stories about the wives we loved so much.
At 3:58pm on December 29, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Mel ,just got back from Roanke was visiting children and grandkids for Christmas just lost my beautiful wife last month to cancer after 43 years of marriage its so hard to go on like this I went to Virginia at their insistance my wife would be angrey if I did not spend the holiday with our grandkids they were here life. But it was so hard everything reminded me of her well I did some painting in my granddaughters room and saw a picture of her and my wife well I lost it went to the bathroom and grief my eyes out both kids 8 and 11 came in and hugged me and gave me tissues I thought to myself I should be comforting them so I said to myself I have to go on for them they can't lose 2 grandparents because I like you want to be with my wife and thought hard about it .Well as much pain as I'm in I can't put them through that so here I am back home in NC .Im going to move to Roanoke but can't right now we planned on it but she got cancer .So maybe sometime in the future we can get together and talk about it I go there about 1 a month.Take care I know what your feeling
At 11:20am on November 13, 2016, Michael said…
Mel
Your comments are appreciated. I cared for my wife for 15 years until she died a month ago. Im lost and beaten. I would have cared for her forever.
At 5:14am on April 6, 2016, SAMIRA said…
Thank you Mel
At 7:24pm on November 18, 2015, morgan said…

Mel,

As we all read about each others struggles we try to offer any consoling words so we can feel that someone else doesn't have to suffer like we are.  And yet, we all know that there is nothing that really removes the pain. We just temporarily feel as though someone else has taken on an equal or worse burden because they have shared with us their pain.

As the time passes our physical/emotional situation changes.  The early time is just sheer desperateness recognizing that we cannot understand why we aren't dead too.  We certainly feel like it.  And that time goes on much longer than we anticipate.  I didn't come out of my own personal fog for at least a year and half almost up to the two year mark.  I was so fragile.  I couldn't make sense of anything and my mind was going wild.  At this point I am slowly seeing through the fog a bit but I am no less missing him.

Whatever you do don't expect too much of yourself.  For a long time you will be taking very very small steps.  You wont believe that you could be this crippled and yet you are.  There is no changing that part of it.  No one but the rest of us can understand that.  

I'm not going to say it is going to get a lot better quickly.  I can only say all of us are walking beside you and each of us are trying to manage what we can do on a moment to moment basis and there is nothing more we can expect.  It will change. The desperation of it will subside a bit,  enough to give you a bit more time when you aren't falling repeatedly into the hole.  The only thing that will allow that is the suffering you are going through now.

I wish I had a more positive perspective on it but this is how it has been for me. I can only hope your suffering is lessened by small diversions that relieve the whirl of your mind for longer periods of time.  

Take care.  We are with you in spirit.

At 4:19pm on October 27, 2015, Fran said…

She was lucky to have you! How many men would have run the other way?!

Our problem as the "survivor" is how do we move on? I know my husband wanted me to be happy again. He even talked to me about "finding someone new". I just couldn't get it thru his thick skull that I wanted him more than any amount of money and there was no way I would want to find someone new...no one would measure up....I am trying to do things that he would be happy about. I'm trying not to just wallow in self-pity and not be negative all the time, but it's hard. When someone asks "what do you want?", my answer is my old life back...I want Bill!.

And I've heard that year 2 is worse than year 1. God help us!

At 10:04am on October 27, 2015, Fran said…

Mel,

I wish I could tell you it gets easier. I'm a week away from the first year "anniversary" of my husband's death. He survived 8 months after being diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. 8 long months of chemo and radiation and pain off the scale. I was his caregiver and glad to. I was a nurse, by trade, so knew the mechanicals of all the "hands on" stuff, but it was soooo different taking care of him. Different than when I had taken care of my parents before they died. 

I have had my eyes opened over the past, on how much he did for me/us. How much I relied on him. Even tho he was gone alot traveling for work, he was in near constant contact. We were a team. Didn't always see eye to eye, but we complemented each other by filling in and doing what the other didn't. We made a whole. Now he's gone and I'm left to try to fend for myself. I get panic attacks when I have to make decisions. I have 2 adult children who live with me, and they help, but it isn't the same. 

I felt a little better during the summer, when I could be outside and be somewhat warmed by the sun and doing gardening things...now, it feels like the world is dying again...I've never been a good cold weather person.

I have no words of wisdom for you. Just know that you are not alone in how you feel.

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Latest Activity

silvia maria posted a blog post

The REBEL inside us

There is a part of being human that is perhaps more evident to who is more an INTROSPECTIVE person. The part in me that the REBEL takes charge and propulse CHANGE. It´s not visible to others necessarily. Because it is in such a deep level, that most don´t quite read right. Works like this. When a lot of people tell you things that are not remotely acceptable, you make a longer distance from them to you. And they wonder what´s wrong, and of course they wont point at themselves reading you wrong…See More
47 minutes ago
Kathleen Jordan commented on joanne's blog post people have no clue
"Fabulous!  Enjoy the small moments.  I still run my karaoke business, but it was so hard to  sing so many songs without choking up during them.  Now, I've found a way to pull strength from them. I wish I  could explain…"
2 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on joanne's blog post people have no clue
"Well my friends, a strange thing has happened. This morning I was ranting to you all about not having a sign to say my Shirl is ok and still with me. We run or did run a dog training club together, we have done this since 1995, I am trying to carry…"
2 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on joanne's blog post people have no clue
"Oh and also can I just say that the worst thin I'm hearing over and over is that she is at peace now. She was at peace before she died, she was reading the paper saying what we were going to watch on TV that evening. She had just enjoyed tea…"
7 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on joanne's blog post people have no clue
"I'm getting this all the time, iv been told I'm still young enough to meet someone else, wtf! Light at the end of the end of the tunnel, it will get better with time. Keep yourself busy and you won't notice it so much. No one has a…"
7 hours ago
Tasha commented on joanne's blog post people have no clue
"People are just trying to help I believe. I can't stand when people want to know how they died. Why? I love them, I miss them, their route of departure isn't important. I have experienced much loss in my life, the most recently my…"
10 hours ago
bluebird and Lost with out him are now friends
10 hours ago
pamela k branchaud joined Jon-Paul Ackerman's group
12 hours ago
beverly zuriff left a comment for AnneJ
"Thank you for your understanding of my grief.  If you have gone through it, you know how terrible it is.  I wish you the best."
15 hours ago
Dolly commented on Diana, Grief Counselor's blog post After Death Communication
"I believe you got your answer Cindi... God is a merciful God and knows our hearts even with everyone else thinks they do... but only He does and only our hearts matter.. we all say and do things that hurt Him and like the best parent ever He loves…"
16 hours ago
Jackie cooke commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jerry that is horrendous, how can that have happened, have you only just found this out. How could a disease she didn't have kill her. It's horrible. Thinking of you x"
19 hours ago
Paula Marie replied to cristian criss's discussion Agony after grandmum's death.
"This sounds very much like my experience of losing my amazing mother nearly 4 years ago. I felt totally empty and dead inside, and lost almost every reason to live. I clung to the few things left in my life that had meaning, and really just wanted…"
20 hours ago
Cindi Norton commented on Diana, Grief Counselor's blog post After Death Communication
"My 36 year old son Christopher died April 5th of an alcohol drug overdose.  He is a Christian and fought addictions for many years. I have tremendous guilt praying I could of helped him-saved him.  A few days ago I saw an Angel, just after…"
22 hours ago
Cindi Norton joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
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Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
22 hours ago
Maggi Crowston-Boaler replied to Doug's discussion Unbearable loneliness
"October 22nd, 2012, my elder son was told he had late-stage Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Massive tumour on his right lung. Inoperable. Long story short: he went through HELL and he died just a month later. No counselling has ever been offered. I've…"
23 hours ago
Jerry commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"So, I am having to learn all about SUDEP, Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy. 13 Saturday's ago today, my beautiful, healthy, adoring, wife has apparently died from this mysterious condition, that is even more mysterious when you don't…"
yesterday
joanne commented on joanne's blog post I want to go back
"Jackie, im so sorry for your loss, my so called friends are also non existent, like you I understand they have lost the fun, happy person I once was, I will never be that person again, that person died when he did. I also understand the family part,…"
yesterday
Jackie cooke commented on joanne's blog post I want to go back
"All this is so true , there is no joy in waking up, every night i won't, it's 7 weeks today since my life came to an end and every day is worse. Friends are non existent,i don't blame them,the happy fun person has gone and all…"
yesterday
Tasha posted a discussion

Sons father died

January 20, my son's father lost his life to addiction. My son is eight years old, it seems so unfair that a little kid has to endure such grief. His father and I grew up together, I knew why he was the way he was. His parents both were addicts and we're in prison. Well tomy ( my son's father ) , continued the cycle. When our son, drake was born, tomy was in prison and it continued through drake's life. Tomy came home from his last stint in prison December 15 and was found dead Jan 20. Only had…See More
yesterday
morgan commented on joanne's blog post I want to go back
"Joanne, The refrain is so similar and familiar for all of us.  I was at Lowes tonight and I was picking up things for the job I am doing and the fellow who was helping me said I should be on a beach somewhere reading a book having a good time…"
yesterday

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