Mel Royer
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  • Roanoke, VA
  • United States
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Signs from the other side
1 Reply

Much like my dear, Nancy made her apparition appear to me last July, this past week she made her presence clear with a strong scent of her favorite perfume, "White Diamonds".  I have never smelled as…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by rachel_micele May 26.

REQUIEM
4 Replies

On this bright and early morning of Black Friday, when I have already been up since 1:30.I still ponder the pointlessness of it all.  I post this little ditty about my feelings on the…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Maxey Nov 29, 2016.

A Visit!
2 Replies

Like everyone on this site, I have been going through hell since my wife passed away, April 29th, 2015.  The past few weeks it has gotten worse until last night.  It was the middle of the night and,…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Shoresh Jul 28, 2016.

The First year Is Here!

Well, I opened my eyes..once again...and slowly reaiized that  It is here!  the first anniversary of the morning I held Nancy in my arms and she died! I am shell shocked!  Numb and panic stricken at…Continue

Started Apr 29, 2016

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Latest Activity

rachel_micele replied to Mel Royer's discussion Signs from the other side
"Thank you for posting Mel. That's wonderful Nancy visited and made clear her presence to you."
May 26
Mel Royer posted a discussion

Signs from the other side

Much like my dear, Nancy made her apparition appear to me last July, this past week she made her presence clear with a strong scent of her favorite perfume, "White Diamonds".  I have never smelled as strong a scent in the studio room where I spend most of my time.  I found an unopened, still shrink wrapped bottle of that perfume and opened it. The scents were identical. She had come to visit me again as my depression escalates. Thank you, sweetheart, I love you dearly. See More
May 26
Mel Royer posted photos
May 18
Mel Royer replied to Richard Rivera's discussion WHAT ARE WE DOING IN THE MEANTIME? in the group Lost My Spouse...
"The 2nd verse from "It's alright ma" in 1965...Note last phrase.  Whether it's a Dylan original or a paraphrased old saying..I don't know! Pointed threats, they bluff with scornSuicide remarks are tornFrom the…"
May 7
Mel Royer replied to Linda Engberg's discussion Every Year It Just Gets Worse
"Well, it has arrived....anniversary #2. Not just yet...I need some self taunting first. I can't help it. Like Linda and morgan and everyone else, nothing changes....days fold into days and the darkness and despair excels. So, I must be taunted…"
Apr 3
Mel Royer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John....I am terrified of not remembering Nancy's voice. I have a recording that I listen to frequently so I don't forget. If I were to forget what she sounds like I would feel as if I lost everything. I understand your fear!  Take…"
Mar 13
Mel Royer and Maxey are now friends
Feb 23
Mel Royer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John....I also recall the moment when my wife passed as any sign of life disappeared from her eyes. I remember being numb and trying to close her eyes, they were half open...I remember thinking that wasn't right..her eyes should be fully closed…"
Feb 23
Mel Royer posted an album

My Nancy and Me

Various pics over the years of My late Nancy and me enjoying our lives.
Jan 21
Carl accomando left a comment for Mel Royer
"Mel,my wife also died in my arms and her death was not expected she had a severe reaction to immune therapy and was put at our request in palative care where her our whole family was there when she passed I layers in bed and held her talking and…"
Dec 30, 2016
Alice Thompson commented on Mel Royer's blog post Deleted "Barrel" Verse
"Thank you, Mel, that is so good to hear. So many of us know what it's like to be right down there, desperate for a way out of this. I think we should all feel free to express here just what that feels like that, because we can't do it…"
Dec 29, 2016
Diana, Grief Counselor commented on Mel Royer's blog post Deleted "Barrel" Verse
"I have always believed we are eternal beings who will never be separated from our loved ones and will see them again.  There has been much evidence of near death experiences where people have seen their loved ones during their NDE.  "
Dec 29, 2016
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Deleted "Barrel" Verse

Didn't mean to startle anyone. I didn't realize when I removed the "How long is the barrel"  blog it would remove all the posts as well.  At any rate, In the eloquently phrased words of Morgan, this is not a perfect world and that's when I realized Nancy would have none of this at all...so, right off the table it went. Now.I will join the "walk" and continue with everyone else here, walking together no matter how much of a bitch it may seem to be. The only other option is probably not the best…See More
Dec 29, 2016
Mel Royer joined Jesse's Mom's group
Dec 28, 2016
Mel Royer replied to Linda Engberg's discussion Still Lost
"Thanks for your support, Carla, I am a long term, happy member of a methodist denomination and have no desire to  change that affiliation. Thank you for your scripture quotes. I frequently refer myself to the good book and find consolation…"
Dec 27, 2016
Mel Royer and Carla E are now friends
Dec 27, 2016

Profile Information

About Me:
Retired and former radio broadcaster working as
I can freelance from my home
About my Loss:
My wife had a stroke in Feb 2013. In April 2015
she died in my arms. I continue to experience extreme difficulty dealing with it. Apart from a PT Aide, I was her sole caregiver and this death was not expected.

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Mel Royer's Blog

Deleted "Barrel" Verse

Didn't mean to startle anyone. I didn't realize when I removed the "How long is the barrel"  blog it would remove all the posts as well.  At any rate, In the eloquently phrased words of Morgan, this is not a perfect world and that's when I realized Nancy would have none of this at all...so, right off the table it went. Now.I will join the "walk" and continue with everyone else here, walking together no matter how much of a bitch it may seem to be. The only other option is probably not the…

Continue

Posted on December 29, 2016 at 3:10pm — 3 Comments

After watching an amazing short film "Paper Memories", Google search for it,...it's worth it! Especially for us!

I wrote this after watching "Paper Memories". Nothing spectacular, the poem not the film, but after rummaging through some photos of my own, Nancy and I, I could see a sort of parallel.

Oh, But could an old photograph or two bless these, our weary souls that worry still.. and then extinguish all breath which remains to place us at last, together again.

Posted on June 23, 2016 at 11:00am

A couple of verses...for what they're worth!

I wrote a couple of verses describing the rending, pillaging of the soul that is the only thing grief can offer us. 

"Here as time runs, endlessly, shore to shore then back again, waves of despair to never end, to never resolve and close upon  this terrible span of days.”  

and then-

"Bleaker shadows keeping vigil in the corners of my room, expressing deeper sorrow, shedding tears of deeper gloom.” 

Posted on April 20, 2016 at 9:03am

A Day Of Dreams or Nancy comes to receive me!

There was a morning last month, I sensed the strong presence of my soul mate. I felt the need to write an emotional treatise of sorts, what morphed into a free verse.  I call it "A day of Dreams".  It became my own "balm in Gilead".

A DREAM OF DAYS     M. Royer    02/17/2016  (Reunion)

SOMEWHERE, OUT BEYOND THE COUNTY LINE SHE WAITS

IN A STAND OF DISTANT TREES…

Continue

Posted on March 18, 2016 at 9:04am — 1 Comment

Comment Wall (7 comments)

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At 6:23am on December 30, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Mel,my wife also died in my arms and her death was not expected she had a severe reaction to immune therapy and was put at our request in palative care where her our whole family was there when she passed I layers in bed and held her talking and telling her I love her now I keep reliving it even though at the time it was comforting.My son is a manager of food and restaurants at hotel Roanoke my daughter and soninlaw are teachers there . My son also worked in radio in Florida and did STAND up comedy .So next time I go I'll let you know I think it would be helpful to share our stories about the wives we loved so much.
At 3:58pm on December 29, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Mel ,just got back from Roanke was visiting children and grandkids for Christmas just lost my beautiful wife last month to cancer after 43 years of marriage its so hard to go on like this I went to Virginia at their insistance my wife would be angrey if I did not spend the holiday with our grandkids they were here life. But it was so hard everything reminded me of her well I did some painting in my granddaughters room and saw a picture of her and my wife well I lost it went to the bathroom and grief my eyes out both kids 8 and 11 came in and hugged me and gave me tissues I thought to myself I should be comforting them so I said to myself I have to go on for them they can't lose 2 grandparents because I like you want to be with my wife and thought hard about it .Well as much pain as I'm in I can't put them through that so here I am back home in NC .Im going to move to Roanoke but can't right now we planned on it but she got cancer .So maybe sometime in the future we can get together and talk about it I go there about 1 a month.Take care I know what your feeling
At 11:20am on November 13, 2016, Michael said…
Mel
Your comments are appreciated. I cared for my wife for 15 years until she died a month ago. Im lost and beaten. I would have cared for her forever.
At 5:14am on April 6, 2016, SAMIRA said…
Thank you Mel
At 7:24pm on November 18, 2015, morgan said…

Mel,

As we all read about each others struggles we try to offer any consoling words so we can feel that someone else doesn't have to suffer like we are.  And yet, we all know that there is nothing that really removes the pain. We just temporarily feel as though someone else has taken on an equal or worse burden because they have shared with us their pain.

As the time passes our physical/emotional situation changes.  The early time is just sheer desperateness recognizing that we cannot understand why we aren't dead too.  We certainly feel like it.  And that time goes on much longer than we anticipate.  I didn't come out of my own personal fog for at least a year and half almost up to the two year mark.  I was so fragile.  I couldn't make sense of anything and my mind was going wild.  At this point I am slowly seeing through the fog a bit but I am no less missing him.

Whatever you do don't expect too much of yourself.  For a long time you will be taking very very small steps.  You wont believe that you could be this crippled and yet you are.  There is no changing that part of it.  No one but the rest of us can understand that.  

I'm not going to say it is going to get a lot better quickly.  I can only say all of us are walking beside you and each of us are trying to manage what we can do on a moment to moment basis and there is nothing more we can expect.  It will change. The desperation of it will subside a bit,  enough to give you a bit more time when you aren't falling repeatedly into the hole.  The only thing that will allow that is the suffering you are going through now.

I wish I had a more positive perspective on it but this is how it has been for me. I can only hope your suffering is lessened by small diversions that relieve the whirl of your mind for longer periods of time.  

Take care.  We are with you in spirit.

At 4:19pm on October 27, 2015, Fran said…

She was lucky to have you! How many men would have run the other way?!

Our problem as the "survivor" is how do we move on? I know my husband wanted me to be happy again. He even talked to me about "finding someone new". I just couldn't get it thru his thick skull that I wanted him more than any amount of money and there was no way I would want to find someone new...no one would measure up....I am trying to do things that he would be happy about. I'm trying not to just wallow in self-pity and not be negative all the time, but it's hard. When someone asks "what do you want?", my answer is my old life back...I want Bill!.

And I've heard that year 2 is worse than year 1. God help us!

At 10:04am on October 27, 2015, Fran said…

Mel,

I wish I could tell you it gets easier. I'm a week away from the first year "anniversary" of my husband's death. He survived 8 months after being diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. 8 long months of chemo and radiation and pain off the scale. I was his caregiver and glad to. I was a nurse, by trade, so knew the mechanicals of all the "hands on" stuff, but it was soooo different taking care of him. Different than when I had taken care of my parents before they died. 

I have had my eyes opened over the past, on how much he did for me/us. How much I relied on him. Even tho he was gone alot traveling for work, he was in near constant contact. We were a team. Didn't always see eye to eye, but we complemented each other by filling in and doing what the other didn't. We made a whole. Now he's gone and I'm left to try to fend for myself. I get panic attacks when I have to make decisions. I have 2 adult children who live with me, and they help, but it isn't the same. 

I felt a little better during the summer, when I could be outside and be somewhat warmed by the sun and doing gardening things...now, it feels like the world is dying again...I've never been a good cold weather person.

I have no words of wisdom for you. Just know that you are not alone in how you feel.

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bluebird commented on Constance May's blog post Just now joining to see what it's about.
"There are a lot of people on this site in the same or similar position; I hope that you will find some comfort here."
5 hours ago
bluebird replied to Darlene's discussion My grief has made me feel numb from the neck down, has anyone else felt this?
"I prefer not to feel anything, now. It's not healthy, I know, but it's my preference."
5 hours ago
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Kim, Yes, grief is unbelievably exhausting. I am simultaneously always tired, and unable to sleep without pills.  When I have stuff I have to do, like doing the laundry or grocery shopping, it takes me hours to work up to doing it. I can manage…"
6 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Melissa, I remember the early days.  I remember wondering about bills and what was I going to do and how was I going to do it because all I wanted to do was lay in the fetal position on my bed and cry and yet I had to go to work and on and on…"
6 hours ago
Joy joined Niecy's group
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Compounded grief with existing anxiety and depression.

During the tragic loss of a loved one or having gone through several tragedies , be it death of a loved one, divorce , personal health issues, or getting older , ect. Sometimes the stress and depression compounded by grief can be debilitating and it may have us feel as if we are mourning our own deaths while we are grieving the loss of our loved ones , We feel as if our own lives are over , Being in this mode can make recovery a longer more confusing process for some. It can be uncomfortable to…See More
6 hours ago
KIM Montgomery commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Can some please tell me, is grief truly exhausting.  It seems like I can barely stay awake when I get home.  I get up at 4:45 in the morning and at work by 5:45.  I usually leave around 2:45, hoping to have some energy to do things at…"
8 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"i just past the one and a half year mark and my mom's birthday would be next week she would've been 94 I've been having a bad week I guess that happens I just miss her so much I feel so all alone."
9 hours ago
Ericka replied to Jules's discussion Lost without my husband in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jules I understand some of what you're going through.  Yesterday would have been our 14th wedding anniversary. Instead, it was a day of pure misery.  It's only been six weeks since my 47-year-old husband passed away from…"
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13 hours ago
morgan left a comment for Julianna Jenkins
"Its a long time to have your brain wired to someone else's.  I find I am still struggling pretty much daily, sometimes moe severe than others.  Right now I am going through having to pack up and move from one place I lived to another…"
14 hours ago
morgan left a comment for Jennifer Shepard
"Jenifer. I lost my love to stage IV caner and we had 27 days from diagnosis to death.  He was 63 and in 2 days would have been his 68th birthday.  No kids and one cat who belonged to him and stayed with me afterwards until she too died.…"
14 hours ago
morgan left a comment for Adria Manary
"Adria, I lost my husband over four years ago and I am not inspired.  I am just going through the necessary motions.  People want me to feel or they encourage me that I hopefully will find something that will bring back my spark.  Its…"
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morgan left a comment for Larry Piersa
"Be there.  Let her call and cry to you.  Dont offer advice.  Tell her how sorry you are this is happening to her but you will be there for her whenever or for whatever she wants or needs and do that.  Let her exhaust her…"
14 hours ago
Belle Merc replied to Janet Shores Hoogendyk's discussion Murder, Suicide, And living in fear in the group Multiple Losses Group
"June 23/17 - Dear heart, I cannot imagine the pain you are in with all that loss and horror.  I hope I can communicate with you in the future, I am also grieving many losses.  I am an Ordained Minister and I believe in the power of prayer…"
14 hours ago
Belle Merc joined Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group
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Multiple Losses Group

I am creating this site for the many of us who have suffered several losses. I lost my mom, dad, grandma(2nd mom), grandpa, my beloved dog and divorce.Many of us have lost more than one person or event.Come share!See More
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Joy replied to Joy's discussion Missing mama every day! in the group Adult Daughters grieving the death of her Mother
"Thanks for the kind words Dennis. My belief in God and life after this one ends is what keeps me going."
15 hours ago
Dennis C. replied to Joy's discussion Missing mama every day! in the group Adult Daughters grieving the death of her Mother
"Joy I am very sorry for your loss. I believe that one day we will be reunited with our loved ones. Until then I rely on that belief to keep me looking forward and hopeful. This certainly doesn't take our pain away, but it does keep us focused…"
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Adult Daughters grieving the death of her Mother

This group is for adult daughters trying to cope with losing her Mother
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Joy commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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