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Comment by Angela on April 15, 2016 at 9:27am

The loneliness is excruciating! It has been compounded now as I broke my toe and have to hobble around and do everything for myself. No one to take care of me or help me out. No one comes around anymore. I am a recluse. Still finding it difficult even to go to the grocery store...now it's even worse with the broken toe. I really hate the quiet. My house is quiet. Now that Tom is gone and I had to put down my beloved dog Chloe in Feb. it's painfully quiet. I am sitting here bawling having this pity party for myself...how pathetic is that?? It's coming up to the 1 year anniversary of his death on the 27th. It all just sucks.....

Comment by Tildyc on April 12, 2016 at 8:16pm

I feel the same Bluebird- I will never recover. It is the one and only thing I am certain of in my sorry excuse of a life now. There is no escape from this pain. I'm banking on my death to be the answer. But really I just don't know.

Honestly, I don't believe in anything anymore.

Comment by bluebird on April 11, 2016 at 11:23pm

Huh.  I knew that I would never recover in the least from my husband's death. I knew I would always want to die. I knew the rest of my life is forfeit. I knew all that from the moment I knew he died. I have never thought that I would be ok or want to go on with my life, or anything like that. Actually, I knew before he died that it would be like this for me if he ever died before I did.

I hope those of you who do want to continue with your lives are able to find ways to do so with some peace and happiness.  For me, life is as horrible now as it was the moment I first learned my husband died; however, it is not like that for everyone. In fact, it seems as though it's not like that for most people, because most people seem to have a desire and ability to live their lives in some way. So there's a fair chance that most of you will be able to do that, if you choose to.

Comment by Sad and Depressed on April 11, 2016 at 6:02pm

Alice,

Thank you for your words. I too thought that I would be able to handle grief better than what I am. I lost my mom 8 years ago and while it broke my heart and I miss her terribly and I still miss her to this day. I was able to go on and pick up the pieces and continue to live. This has made me walk through life in a fog and wonder if I will ever be happy again. Am I destine to be alone for the rest of my life. In 11 years my kids will be off to college and then I will truly be alone. I know 11 years is a long time away and a lot can happen but if this has taught me anything it has taught me that life is short.

I am praying that we all find some ease to the pain in our hearts.

Comment by O.L. Cato on April 11, 2016 at 3:55pm

This is the hardest thing I/we will ever live through in our lives.  So many of you put your feelings into such eloquent paragraphs.  I don't have the words to say how I feel.  He's gone, I'll never see him again, hear his voice, feel. his touch.  Laugh and joke and even bicker with him.  How do people go on living?  It's been 105 days since he left.  It's hard to believe I have gone on living this long without him.  The love of my life.  This site is a blessing.  Thank all of you.

Comment by Joseph on April 11, 2016 at 2:59pm

This site has offered comfort in that I know I am not alone but terrifies me because I am beginning to realize that the grief and loneliness won't end any time soon.  I know each journey is different but I feel like I am an alien from another world. Nothing makes sense anymore.  Nothing feels safe and normal.  I can't live like this.  I pray every minute that I get called home soon.  I pray for all of you please pray for me.

Comment by Robin Quinn on April 10, 2016 at 8:56pm

I feel like screaming and screaming, this loneliness is so terrible.  I sometimes think about moving to a different place so I don't have all the reminders, other times I can't stand not being in the place we were so happy.  Our marriage wasn't perfect, but he made me feel so safe and cherished.  I don't know how long I can go on like this, it's so hard going to work and acting sane when inside I feel like I'm going crazy.  Life sucks.

Comment by Sad and Depressed on April 10, 2016 at 8:25pm

Can someone please tell me how do I  deal with the loneliness I am feeling? I can't believe how lonely I am even in a crowd of people. What do you do to combat the loneliness? I have kids but after they are in bed there is no-one here to talk to and no-one to share my thoughts with. 

Friends invite me and the kids to be with them but they don't understand that they have something that we will never have again... a complete family. My heartbreaks every time I see families together a husband, wife, and their kids enjoying themselves. I know it is wrong but I think "what did I do that I deserved to be living in this type of hell? Why do they deserve to be happy while I am sad and lonely?  Someone please help me!

Comment by stewart p on April 10, 2016 at 10:34am

You dont want to but you must, you can from it a well spring of hope,faith and strength will come forward that you never imagined could exist much less with in yourself. I am learning to live with the daily yearning in my heart instead of believing one day it might go away.  If there is any hope know that it changes with time.  I recall a while ago having a thought and sharing it in a group and I remember it today as well as then and that is that only the context of my relationship with my dead spouse has changed, but the relationship I have with her still is very much alive, just in a different form.  And today while my heart yearns in pain as it does to a different degree every day I grudgingly get up and set out to proceed with the day's tasks as I have for many months now.  But lately Ive noticed sometime more than not a little spring in my step beginning to appear and maybe even a little glee that if nothing else I remember dear you are no longer here but I am and I am grateful for the chance to be here to remember you and I so well.  Of course to be honest if I dont force by shear will to get up it becomes just as easy to lay back down and spend most of the day in what I call relapse.  A perpetual state of sadness that keeps stagnant watching mindless reruns of breaking bad, playing solitaire or any thing else to keep me distracted and out of touch with life and this new reality.  Of course for those first few months I think that is just fine and it helped me get through the intial shock and loneliness of being alone stripped from my partner so abruptly .  But eventually and for everyone it's different I guess, weeks, months or even a year or two and I had to begin to find some way to begin to move.  Baby steps, one at a time.  I will admit though many times currently I find myself facing one inner conflict that really bothers me and that is many times after or in the middle of a particular task, I find myself or asking myself "why", or " what does it matter" if I do this or not?  I have no one to share it with and soon one day I will be gone as well and so what does it really matter, what does any of it matter?  Now that Im talking about it the answer is beginning to appear.  Funny thing about losing someone it makes me question and scrutinize everything so much closer and seek more clarity in what I say to others, what I do and how I spend my time.  In this way she, my wife has a big impact on my life I feel everyday. And in that sense is one of the many ways in how our relationship still exists, only has changed.  I don't know, maybe Im just fooling myself and my mind is playing tricks on me at this time, but it seems to help, it works for me and it does make sense.  So what does anything I do matter any longer?  I guess I just found what might be my answer; I need to be careful how I choose to spend my finite and infinity valuable time, what I do, who I do it with and most importantly what I say or don't say for and to others.  When my wife was around physically it always caused me to have to step up to do the right thing more often I wanted to sometimes in many ways, but now that she is gone physically Im really having to step up my game, thanks sweetie. And thank you for allowing me the space to speak, this as always helps a lot and now I need to go and get the day started, plus because I took the time out to reflect on this i will need to alot a little extra time for those sad feelings to strike me again, I wish to God every time I think about her she was here, but she cant and isnt and my rambling on here is just one more small part how I am learning/adapting as an unwilling participant/partner to this gruesome adventure.  Have a good day to you all and may the grace and peace of Jesus Christ be with you this fine day.

Comment by Joseph on April 10, 2016 at 8:59am

Another heart broken day filled with pain and longing to be with my Jerry.  Five weeks in now and the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in.  I don't want to live like this.

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