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Comment by morgan on May 18, 2016 at 1:04pm

To my kindred spirit in this place of anguish…….

PART 1      I feel so separated from the feeling of being embraced by love. I am no longer loved. No vibration is happening to me that is measurable. 

That's right.  No longer loved.  We use that word so casually don’t we?  We love ice cream. We love that new car.  I won't use it anymore towards anyone.  Not my family or friends.  I know what love felt like and it isn't the way I love anyone else (or anything else).  And it is different than the gratitude I feel for those who want to help me reconstruct my life.  Love is the vibration of knowing that at no point in what we experince as  perceived time will I be alone.  Different in its feeling, I felt it in a way from my parents, but certainly not as felt in the intimacy of a spousal marriage.  Nothing for me comes even close.

And yes,  I have done group counseling and private counseling. I have a good woman widow friend,she is almost at 4 years and to be honest we sahre our feelings and she feels much the same.  We function much better but we are empty (and she has a married daughter who just had a baby).   I have  select people who no matter have stuck with me while I traverse this minefield blowing up in my face.  The rest of them I have pushed away.  Some for reasons that they just cannot understand me and need not try and others for reasons of not wanting to draw them closer to me so their hurt will be less when I succumb.  

This isn't a pity party for me.  This is the loss of the one man who got me.  The man who held my hand and I held his through the 35 years where the world beat on us and gave us our blessings but they were all shared.  Every moment.  Intimately, deeply, profoundly.  

And no, I had no children.  By choice.  I was a pretty independent soul and remained one for all my married years too.  I was always thought of in our extended family as the strong one.  My husband had a prior marriage as did I and I have a stepdaughter and grandson who I don't know.  It is a rejection by design, a result of an estrangement of circumstances  through years of built in animosity by her mother. But I cannot undo some things other than provide money after I die.  That will be the only legacy for that one.  We tried for years and years.  Can’t fight a lawyer and win a lot of times.

And if I do die I know it will hurt my siblings.  How do I know?  Because my youngest brother just died last month after laying alone in his home for four days, all the while I was pushing to have someone get ahold of him.  But it was Easter and everyone was busy.  (I am 1500 miles away and he had beensick with that bad flu. Other family was within miles). He was a tremendously gifted brother, but he had been divorced for years and had never really gotten over it, had struggled with alcohol, had good jobs making good money but lost them due to the struggle and finally his body caved in from what was decided on the death report as arteriosclerosis compounded by his last year weight gain and alcohol.  I screamed bloody murder.  Because thats what it felt like.  I had not been able to have him understand my grief any better than I was able to help him with his.   All my siblings want me to feel better. Just like I wanted him to feel better.  But some tings are absolutelyout of our control.   M siblings know I am doing better through one sister.  But I can't feign caring.  As much hurt as is in this world I have decided it is simply easier for me to protect myself as best I can from it by not caring.  I get too wrapped up in it.

Comment by stewart p on May 18, 2016 at 11:50am

Morgan,

You put it into the perfect sense when you spoke of waking up to what really lies ahead.  I was wondering if anyone else felt the same though I imagined they did.  I too thought that I had already begun doing that and now for some strange reason as the tears and sadness have subsided, perhaps more from exhaustion than anything else, I’ve begun to realize holy shit this is real and its even worse than I first thought.  It brings along with it an entirely new sadness that in many ways feels worse than the one I felt before. 

The only reason I brought up those two stories was that I found interesting and encouraging at the same time.  To hear intimate details of lives of people who had everything taken from them, literally down to their skin and bones, including wives, children, and parents.  Surely no greater loss has a man or woman ever had to endure save the Job himself from the Old Testament.

How would I have felt had I had to be in those shoes I wondered and if how then would it have felt different or would it?  Do I have a sense of entitlement that this shouldn’t be happening while so many others have had to endure? What did they do to survive so great a pain from loss?  How did the bear under the weight of the loss?  Maybe there are things I can learn to do to help navigate this grief.  I learned some things early on from others who were experiencing what I was when I attend a bereavement group for the first year.  Things like your grief is your own, everyone is on their own time line, don’t let others tell you need to move on, etc.  Little tidbits of wisdom that helped me get through that first year or two.  Later in counseling I was advised to get outside and try some activate to help with depression, and reluctantly I forced myself to do just that.  Now a year a latter the highlight of my week is going for long bike rides in the woods with my dog. 

Now I was reading of some of the lives of others who lost so much and trying to see what little tidbits I might learn from to help me as I face head on now this “new reality”.  Anything to help, please.  I mean come on, I lost one, they lost 4,5 even 6 or more all at once.  They had to learn something they might share that helped them open their eyes the next dreadful morning, and then the one after that, and so on.

Comment by stewart p on May 18, 2016 at 11:50am

Morgan (cont)

I’m not suggesting the pain or hurt will go away.  Hell I don’t think it even lessens.  I think we adapt and adjust.  In the beginning I believed the time would come I might not think of it much anymore and slowly I would heal.  Today I know I wake up, think of my wife, shower, get on with the day, she crosses my mind, come home, dinner, think of her here and there so forth. Not any less or more than before and Im all cried out, so I just remember and think of here and it has simply become part of my day, part of who I am today.  So has the pain lessened, I don’t think so, I think I’ve simply started getting used to it being there.  And honestly, I think there may be good reasons why I prefer it this way and here is why;  I realize now and it took only 3 years but if I’m not standing here to remember my wife as only I can then who will?  To lose that now seems like it would only add to this loss in hopes I might feel better.

In our culture I believe a myth exists that after such a personal loss that if we can somehow restore ourselves as much as possible as to what our former lives were that somehow we will feel better.  There is the central focus on how we feel and feeling better or worst are of themselves a goal.  But I think if we expect that of ourselves more likely than not we will only feel worst latter because it is unrealistic and here is why I think so.  I believe it was either Rogers or Carl Jung who stated that every person and event we experience in our lives changes us.  Obviously when our spouse entered our lives it had a great impact on who we are, so it makes sense when they leave our lives it to will have a great impact and change us, or may.

 Those two survivors I mentioned previously while there were many, I found how their lived differed in many ways from before their loss and how their loss impacted and changed who they had become.  I’m sure not everyone experience the same metamorphosis, but some did and they did so when they reached through their pain which is as real as yours or mine and began touching the lives of those around them in ways only someone who experienced what they had could.

Think about that for a minute and how profound that truly is, not in the context what our society values which sucks anyway, but in terms of the humanity of it.  And what possibly, possibly could anyone do greater honor the memory and remember their love than to bless others with it?  That there in truly becomes a selfless love.

 

Comment by Susan on May 18, 2016 at 8:24am

Morgan,

I, too, have lost a spouse and can understand to a degree the devastation of that loss. We were married 42 years and have 3 sons. I can never truly understand your own unique situation or your personal feelings. You describe having a very rough time dealing with the pain of your loss even after 3 years and you predict only a gloomy future ahead for yourself.

You leave no room for the possibility for recovery, even a little bit of recovery, from your loss or an improved outlook on life. Recovery may come slowly and in baby steps but it's still a possibility that you may not see yet while you are still experiencing some of the worst, most depressing thoughts of your life. Now isn't a good time to decide you know what the distant future may be like.

Your last few paragraphs are all about you. Is that because there's no one else affected by your husband's passing? There are no other relatives or family friends affected? You are the only person of significance? Deciding to take your life is a very self-centered decision and usually hurts the people around you...some quite badly. I hope there are no such people in your life so they won't be hurt yet again. 

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. I AM asking that you think twice before compounding that loss by adding another death by taking your own life.

It IS definitely tough to keep going in the face of such a loss as you've had. It takes guts and courage. And it's incredibly painful. But it does get better. I wonder, have you gotten counseling or attended any groups that help you cope and move on from your initial pain and progress through the stages of grieving? Do you feel as though you're betraying your husband if you move on past crying and start to accept his death without the crying? Just a thought. 

I'm sending you a great big {{{{{HUG}}}}}} because I know you're hurting and I wish I could take it away.

Comment by joanne on May 18, 2016 at 3:17am

Morgan , your post made me cry, your honesty and truth  is just so touching,   All we want in the world is to be  loved by that one person that makes us complete,   and when we've had that  and it has been ripped from us , I guess there's nothing left for us, I have to keep going for my children, but I'm quite sure that if I didn't have them, I too know I couldn't live in this world . I send you the biggest of hugs xxxx 

Comment by morgan on May 18, 2016 at 1:10am

Hi George, been awhile, I was hoping you were still checking in even if not writing.  Thankfully we all have at least one place we know we are understood.  

 

Stewart, you kind of got my attention with your post about awakening to a new reality after three years.  There was a time when the journey was (and can still be at times) so excruciatingly painful that I couldn't imagine living another second and thought I would die from bodily exhaustion just from all the crying. That has not stopped but it has lessened and like you mentioned reality is crawling into its place.  I thought I was seeing reality before now but I realize now it was just my wishing it were so because the crying was so painful and I needed some respite.  So when I got a single day amongst hundreds that I didn't cry I thought I was emerging.  No, it was not what I am living now.

 

No, what I am living now is a way different kind of pain.  I am losing him.  I am desensitizing to the visceral senses I had and finding myself being swept up into nothingness.  I am functioning now.  After three years and three months (almost four) I am finally functioning. Not great but way better than I was.  I get showered and don't climb immediately back into bed.  I pretend to cook and eat and it’s more than an English muffin and a glass of milk.  Not a lot but more.  I have undertaken several large projects and they have been like what I suppose some of us do as our "job".  Being 64 I am now relegated to having to be a bit more creative in "working" since I could never again focus like I did for the kind of work I did before my husband died.

 

I relate all this because I now think I see a bigger picture.  The reality of what lies ahead for me for as long as I live.  And I can tell you right now I do not like what I am looking at.  

 

You mentioned the two survivors.  I guess I differ from them.  What I see as making accommodation to living without my husband makes me bitter and angry and resentful.  I have pretty much made up my mind that I refuse to want to be inspired so I can continue on.  I am falling back on one of my earlier techniques of trying to depart having it look natural. Limiting food intake and water.  

It's really hard to do.  At about the third month I had tried and I only got to hour 18.  Now I am simply cutting back as much as I can again and hoping to diminish my overall immune system.  

 

I hate life.  I don't want to live this empty life. I am not crying as much about it but I am more determined to hasten my leave.  I am going to figure out a way to do this.  I will not stay here and live this ridiculous life pretending that somehow I am challenged and enjoying it.  All I can think about is that I no longer have the love and support of my husband.  I don't want anyone else.  I don’t want family, friends, money, nothing.  I just want out. My goal is to think about it so hard that I will myself to die.  Sort of a transcendental experience in reverse.  I listen to a few neuroscientists’ lectures and they are always going on about how you can train your brain to create your reality.  Well, l’m going to see how well that works going out rather than up.

 

It’s no longer a question of if I can hold out but when I can check out.  I have always been pretty pragmatic.  No nonsense, make up my mind and go for it.  The biggest challenge yet.  How to die a natural death by willing it.  Wish me luck.  I can’t tell you how ready I am. It would be such a relief.  The sooner the better.  That’s my reality.  Weird isn’t it?

 

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 17, 2016 at 5:27pm

George, I know he will come home...it's a dream of mine.  When the phone rings for a split second I wonder if it's him.  I don'[t even have to close my eyes to hear his voice.  Twenty weeks and I still can't believe he is gone.

Comment by George H on May 17, 2016 at 4:56pm

I understand how you feel Mary's been gone a year and 3 months and I still call out her name and look around the house for her

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 17, 2016 at 4:54pm

I was cleaning the house awhile ago, not thinking of anything.  Suddenly I started to cry and yelled out John's name several times.  I took a Zoloft and it's starting to kick in.  John has been gone 20 weeks, almost half a year.  I never thought about what it would be like without him.  It's pure Hell.  People expect me to act "Normal", what is normal?  What is normal when you have lost your husband?  I'm sick of hearing "it's time to stop grieving."  I have a cousin who divorced her husband of almost 45 years due to his Alzheimer's.  She remarried immediately.  Her ex died just as few months later and she keeps telling me she knows the pain I feel.  Saying, "I was a widow too."  I want to hit her.  She was happily remarried to someone she went to school with.  I guess I just want to get that off of my chest.

Comment by stewart p on May 17, 2016 at 12:55pm

It’s been nearly 3 years now since my wife died and from where some of my earlier posts I list some of my humble attempts to find some relief from the overwhelming grief.

From new activities or revisiting old ones and going to counseling I found some helped while others did not, and some even only served to remind me more of her further aggravating my pain and grief.  Sometimes those moments where I felt the most pain were the moments I could also feel the closest to her for a while. It really is a trial and error sort of effort I have found it to be.

My favorite new pastime though I must say are long bike rides in the woods with my dog getting lost in time with only my thoughts and the simple wonders found in the forest. 

Those initial feelings including sadness, despair, loneliness and all the other accompanying feelings that follow aren’t as pronounced as they once might have seemed though they linger on.  Perhaps its not that time heals all wounds so much as I have simply become accustomed to them being ever present surrounding me.. 

However new to me now recently has been an awakening of sorts to the reality of my new life.  After living with the same person for over 20 years it would not be right to say that many of my life’s choices were not impacted by my wife’s presence for which I am eternally grateful for.  None the less with her suddenly gone I feel as though I am left with a lot of dead end streets metaphorically speaking.  Decisions and choices once made in the confines of lasting relationship now must made as a solo practitioner in this journey we call life.

I can recall from earlier days when discussion various grief models this stage.  While I could easily relate to such stages as sadness, anger and so forth nothing quite prepared me for when the fog would begin to lift and the reality would begin to really settle in.  The reality that I am no single, alone and responsible for all of my own choices, and where do I exactly go from here.

I happened to pick up a book recently I have be meaning to read.  It is highly regarded by many psychologists; Viktor Frankel’s In Search of Meaning. Who as an Austrian Neurosurgeon and Psycho Therapist became the lone survivor from the concentration camps.  The book is written based upon his professional training with the unique insight gained from his personal experience.   Coincidently my mother mentioned the other day while telling her about Frankel’s book the story of Anne Frank.  Frank who as a gifted 14 year wrote her diary during this same time which today is the most published book 2^nd only to the Bible, and is survived by her father. Otto Frank who lost his wife and both daughters in the concentration camps.

As a  result of my own experience and being reluctantly thrust forward to consider where I go from here as I face this new reality I must say I have become somewhat enthralled to read the stories about these two men. Two men, highly regarded in their own respective worlds at the time, nice family guys in others words who had their wives, children and everyone else literally stripped away never to be seen again. To think of the enormity of such a loss and the grief they endured humbles me in mine and I’m hopeful may in time inspire me to discover something that might help me continue on.

 

Anne's father, Otto, the only survivor from his family lost his wife and two lovely daughters including Anne.  Frankel lost everyone he loved as well.  Both in a very tormentous way, through torture, separation, starvation, disease and maltreatment.  Yet somehow both of them managed to live with their grief.  How I wonder?

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