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Comment by Elynn m on November 23, 2016 at 6:11pm

Thank you Alice for the great encouragement.  I have been feeling that I don't really have friends anymore, and that I need to make new friends.  You are right.  Although I will never forget my husband and all that he means to me, I need to realize that I need to press forward in this new season of my life that the Lord is giving to me.  I am grateful that God does not make us push through grieving quickly, so that we can " get on with our life"  (as so many friends advise), because He knows when each of us is ready.   I'm not ready yet, but I know there will be a time to move on.

again, thank you for encouraging me!

Comment by Elynn m on November 22, 2016 at 11:06pm

Thank you, Morgan for sharing.   I think all of us will be feeling low during this season.   What bothers me the most is that I have trouble reaching out, because I no longer have a close friend that I can speak to.   Family and friends are great, I just have trouble expressing myself to them.   I'm praying that each one of us in this group will be given true friendship.   It only takes one good friend....better than ten acquaintances! 

Comment by morgan on November 22, 2016 at 10:57pm

As of yesterday I've been grieving the death of my husband for three years and ten months......In 2012 as I worked hard at my job and he took care of hearth and home (semi retired) I never imagined he'd be dead in less than two months.

He cooked, as he always did, a feast for Thanksgiving.  We would enjoy it together, quietly (family far away) and enjoy the fact we were company for each other.  It was always enough.  It was warm, relaxing, comforting.

He was just beginning to dial in an insulin pump.  A new item as prescribed by a doctor who had a gin mill of patients.  We were concerned by the still erratic numbers but hopeful.  Yet he was feeling not so good and having lots of ups and downs.  

Xmas Eve day.  I was on the phone talking to my brother when he came out and said he was really feeling sick.  I hung up and went inside and we talked.  He looked all of a sudden pretty bad.  I said  he needed to go to the ER.  He wasn't happy about it but agreed as he was feeling so bad.  In less than 48 hours from that moment they operated on him where they found stage 4 cancer.  

How did the doctor miss it?  How could my beloved husband be so ill so quickly?  Was the battle over the diabetes a screen while the cancer was eating him alive and no doctor ever thought about the possibility?  Diabetes?  Pancreas?  Numbers all over the place.

How much do I hate the world now?  I'm crying now just thinking about it.  Today in Lowe's I lost the cork.  It blew up in the paint aisle.  I had barely gotten in there and tried to order what I needed hoping to get in and get out and i lost it....  3 people ended up helping me hold me up to get me back out to my car and I spent the next hour screaming, crying, absolutely losing it.  I know part of the reason for it but the intensity and the anguish was horrible.  I am reliving it now.  

I thought I had had about a two week reprieve.  I thought I might be getting a bit better.  It's a lie.  It never happens.  You think it's going to get better and then the whole damn thing comes back and slams you in the face, throws you to the ground.  Eats you alive.

I'm sorry.  Tonight and most of today has been treacherous.  I know I am going into a really hard time of the year for me.  Too many marker days.  Too much to remember of everything I hate.  

I wish I could say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't think for some of us there is.  I think we fight to manage a daily routine of sorts and nothing is routine.  Not sleep, not eating and oh yes,  staying away from people.  That's a given.  The fewer people I have to deal with the better.  

So to Stewart, and Michael (who unfortunately just joined this group and is trying to figure this all out) and Linda and Bluebird (bless her) and Trina, George, Tildyc, Anne J, and all those I haven't mentioned but read your posts and keep hoping for us we find a way out of this quicksand.........all I want for Xmas is my own demise.  The pain of carrying on with my husband being gone is just too much.  No matter the better moments the bad ones just bury me.  

And no need to feel bad for me.  I've just learned this is how my future is going to be.  It's just what it is since he died.  

morgan

Comment by Mary on November 22, 2016 at 9:43pm

Thankyou everyone for your posts. You all give me comfort knowing I'm not alone but feel sad that we are all a part of this group. I too feel empty, alone without my darling husband. No matter what I do, it all just feels empty. Last few days have been extra hard - I think because of the Christmas season. Christmas music at the store I think started all this. This will be my first Christmas without my husband, our family chain is broken. I don't really want to celebrate it this yeAr but I think the kids need some "normal"... I'm dreading the next month ...

Comment by Michael on November 22, 2016 at 8:17pm

"They" say to give it a year before moving. So i guess that gives you permission. I'd be afraid to move somewhere where i dont know anyone though. However, I feel alone no matter where i am. Wish i had better advice. Im sure there are no good answers.

Comment by Elynn m on November 22, 2016 at 7:46pm

It's been 14 months now since I lost my husband.   I'm afraid that depression is setting in with the upcoming holidays.   I miss the winter, because it does not snow ivery often. Thinking about moving, but don't know if that's a good idea.  The thought of making new friends  (don't really have friends here) and new neighbors is intimidating.   Has anyone else been through this?

Comment by Michael on November 22, 2016 at 3:11pm

Stewart and Jimbo
Your stories are mine. Exactly. Id like a new life, but am paralyzed with grief, fear, you name it. Ive tried it all - therapy, grief boards, books, nothing helps. Please stay in touch. We are all in the same boat and need each other.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 22, 2016 at 1:39pm

It has been 3 1/2 years since I loss my Husband and I see no future but to join him which I hope will be soon.

Comment by stewart p on November 22, 2016 at 1:06pm

Comment by stewart p 6 minutes ago
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Its been 3 1/2 years now since my wife died. Ive read alot, wrote a lot and reflected on it to no end and while I can see a way forward I just cant to seem to go forward. Anyone on here who has seen some of my prior posts knows I have put a lot of thought into piecing together a life again. Ive written countless journals, plans, ideas, little flow charts with arrows pointing in all directions. Yes, here is my new life, steps I need to take, things to do and move forward. Perhaps a new job, a new home, maybe a new community, hobbies, activities, many talked through with professional help, new friends and new adventures, even a relationship, a new marriage, a new chance to do it again. Yes I have most of it figured out, planned out and mapped out, step by step as the Chinese proverb says a 1000 mile journey begins with each first step. Well thought out and logically planned in detail but then with each day I wake up alongside all my best laid plans with no interest or desire to peruse nearly any of them. I even reached the point where I accept she is gone, I dont cry about it much anymore or get angry, Im just numb about it and accept it most of the time. Looking at all my plans I can even see a life again but then each day I seem to lack one thing, the desire to care. The zeal for which life once held for me. So now I'm wondering if maybe when you experience something like there isn't something that switches in your brain, some sort of disorder or something. On the face of it it just doesn't make sense but there is no denying something just doesn't work any more like it once it did. Im really struggling with this, maybe its an excuse to not try anymore and avoid some hidden pain or something, IDK, I just dont get it. I even gone through many of the steps, Ive gone to counseling, picked up new hobbies, exercised, got a dog, treat myself, etc but it just doenst really frickin matter or seem to much anymore. The zeal if there ever was any for living seems to have all gone away. Then I hear others (not here) talking about their ambitions, all the things they are going to see, do etc and I think to myself so what? When your dead and it could happen at any moment will any of it matter other than to those left behind? IDK, this has really got me stymied and stuck and I'm just curious if anyone else feels the same or maybe my brain and not just my heart that is broken. What a discouraging and lackluster way to live anymore. I certainly hope it gets better somehow. Maybe I take a lesson from the squirrel outside this morning little guy with a big bushy tail scurrying around outside chomping on seeds in the cold with no idea how big and bad the world around him might be and how vulnerable he his in it, or maybe he does know and just accepts it as it is, something that perhaps is eluding me so far up to now. Or maybe my brain is just f%#cked up from all this and thats it and there is no back to normal

Comment by Michael on November 17, 2016 at 9:57am

I feel very much the same as many people on here. But its only been a month since I lost my wonderful wife. Ive got to think there will be some improvement in time. Where are these people? Maybe they have moved on and don't need the site? What do people think?

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