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Comment by Tildyc on April 8, 2015 at 8:21pm

Every day that passes, I get one more day closer to my own death. One more day closer to being with my soulmate. One more day closer to freedom. One more day closer to him.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 8, 2015 at 6:15pm

For me, this enormous loss of my beloved spouse will continue to bear on me and crush me for the rest of my life. I know that there will be no respite or belief until the day I die. what a sobering and terrible thought to contend with.

Yes, going home at the end of the day--Joseph and I taught at the same U--and not having my darling with whom to process the highs and lows of the day is one of the lowest points of the day (waking up and falling asleep in an empty bed) are the other two most heartbreaking points of the day. Joseph's death has left me half-dead, I will never be the same again, my life is worth very little to me now that I have to live it on my own. My eyes just fill up with tears at the thought how Joseph is not here anymore and I will never see him again. I can't wait for the day when I will be allowed to leave this miserable existence. How long, I wonder?

Comment by George H on April 8, 2015 at 6:05pm

Can'tgo out in public found out today had to have my gson write a check for me don'twant to be around people don'twant to do anything just want to sit in my chair with Mary's dog and wish it all would end

Comment by Tildyc on April 8, 2015 at 6:01pm

John T- I also cry several times a day. In fact I just got through my walking in the door to an empty house from work meltdown. It's a daily occurrence. That's actually one of the hardest times for me. It was when we would discuss and share our day with each other. To lend each other an understanding ear or to celebrate in one another's small daily victories.

There will be more tears for sure later this evening. And of course, I usually cry myself to sleep. This heavy persistent sadness encompasses my entire life and shows no signs of letting up at this point. I'm afraid I'll never be free of it until the day I die.

Comment by Tildyc on April 8, 2015 at 5:36pm

George- yeah I've been running into some financial issues lately myself. Not having the combined income of Mark and I is proving to be difficult.

Comment by George H on April 8, 2015 at 5:01pm

had to go deal with the Benton County tax collector seems that they don't care if your wife passes here as long as you figure out a way to drag some money up to them I'm getting to the point where I need to stay way away from stupid people but I'm sure that just about all of you know how I feel

Comment by Mather on April 8, 2015 at 4:10pm

I lost my husband , best friend 6 months ago. I miss him so much I cry when ever I am alone. This was our second marriage for both of us. We found each other online in a chat room for over 40 and instantly fell in love. There was not one day in 9 years we were apart. Together for 16. I just feel so alone

Comment by Kimboinlimbo on April 8, 2015 at 3:35pm

I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly 11 months 3 weeks and 1 day ago. I was in shock for a very long time and when it wore off and reality hit, the feelings of utter devastation were and still are almost too much to bear. It has taken months to get into any form of sleep pattern and I'm still haunted by the events of the day he died. I used to feel happy to my very core; I don't feel like that any more. In losing my husband, I've lost a big part of myself and a future without him seems so bleak.

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on April 8, 2015 at 1:24pm

Tildyc-  They have me on Melatonin and Temazapam to sleep through the night. 

Comment by morgan on April 8, 2015 at 12:59pm

Sandy,  You are in a rough place right now.  All I can say is I am sorry.  Sorry you are having to deal with the hardships of watching loved ones die in front of your eyes.  Never in a million years would I have anticipated this to be as hard as it is.  My parents died years and years ago and it was hard but nothing like the death of my husband.  I am still walking around like a zombie.  I hate. Yes, I just hate.  All of it.  If I could I would be gone but as we all know that takes only a few of us.  The rest are left to deal with the ravages of what this does to your system.  

I think it is insane that through the internet we have built a community of people who are sharing this kind of profound devastation.  How did we miss the message of death for so many years.  Who was it that was making up stories about how you get through it?  I don't want to be through it. I want to get it all over with.

Sorry I am sounding so down and it probably isn't helping anyone at all but I am so tired of trying so damn hard to pick myself up only to feel as though it is all just such a sham.  I don't want to be here and I don't have the courage to do otherwise.  Why isn't there a place I could just go and they would help me?  Life is not so sacred to me anymore.  Its a drudgery.  I need to get out and I just cant seem to make anyone understand that is what I need help with.  

Enough.  I am going to start crying again if I keep this up.  Then I think maybe more crying will finish me off because I am now a shell.   Gawd I want out.

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