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Comment by George H on April 9, 2015 at 10:39pm

I come here for the same reason ya'll are the only people that understand

Comment by Tildyc on April 9, 2015 at 10:36pm

George- It's so hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of us. And I keep saying that myself. I don't know how much longer I can do this and I want out. But – I'm still here, and so are rest of us. I know that's not much comfort. But that's all I have. When I am at the end of my rope and I've tied a knot and still feel it slipping – I come here. Can't say if this is going to save me really – but it's what I can do for now.

Comment by George H on April 9, 2015 at 10:05pm

It just hurts so bad don't know how much longer I can do this

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 9, 2015 at 8:11pm

It is so very sad how the death of our life partner has transformed us into people that we hardly recognize. Before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we both thought that we would grow old together, and that's why we tried very hard to improve our diet and put some exercise in our weekly routine. Now that Joseph is gone, I do and eat things that are bad for you, foods that could cause a heart attack.

My fervent wish for dying is so morbid, and I feel like I am betraying my four siblings who would be totally devastated by my early demise. When praying for my death I feel guilty, but I tell myself that none of my siblings will feel this deep anguish and heartbreaking pain that I have been experiencing on a daily-basis for the past 8 months. My death for them will be like when I lost my parents. It will be hard for a while, but not earth-shattering or life-changing, and they will move on after a little while. It's so true that our world and our inner selves have changed drastically after the death of our spouses; we have become people who we would have never recognized in our "past" life. This is how bad this existence is. The pain sometimes gets too much to bear.

Comment by Tildyc on April 9, 2015 at 7:49pm

m morgan- Holy cow- my life has truly gone into the twilight zone. When you tell me that you might be having something peculiar going on – and it might be your ticket .... I felt a number of emotions. First – I thought gosh it's really going to suck if I can't have m morgan to talk to anymore and then – I thought gosh, she just may escape – she might be able to free herself from this dark and lonely prison in which we are all existing. Almost a little envious. Then I thought – this loss of my soulmate and this overwhelming grief has transformed me into somebody that I do not recognize at all. Its completely surreal. Two months and five days ago...none of this would be something I could even comprehend. So extremely outside my realm I can't even begin to find the words to explain it.

But now – I have become quite morbid. I watch the news and I see so many stories of murder, disease and death. And those victims did not want to have to die. I catch myself thinking, (and now you guys get an insight into how crazy I've become) "How about I take that life ending event in their stead."

I realize I am thinking these insane thoughts from the safety of my chair in my own home. And such morbid statements probably offend some folks on here. In fact- there is a part of me that is offended by that thought myself. The person I used to be, when Mark was alive, would've been horrified by such statements. But this grief and mourning is transforming me into a blank, sad and empty person. I want to escape.

So, m morgan- I hope you do not have to suffer and yet- I hope that you get what you been waiting for.

Comment by morgan on April 9, 2015 at 6:54pm

George,  I wish I could say something that would make you feel differently but it would be just spitting in the wind.  There is nothing about grief that is helped much by anything more than just sharing the pain of how we feel.  For me it is all about "feelings".  I don't know what else to talk about because nothing else matters.  I get how hard it is to do much else.  I can visualize you sitting in your chair. I will mention one thing though.

I ended up  donating the medial equipment that my husband had used and it felt better to know that someone else who needed it was able to use it.  It may be too hard to let go of things that Mary touched but I had tons of other things that reminded me of my husband so the medical stuff I tried to get back out there because there are so many people who cant afford stuff and yet it could make their caretaking so much better.  Anyhow, just a thought.

Eventually your body will sleep.  For the time being you can rest in your chair and close your eyes.  Slowly your brain will tell you what next.

Comment by morgan on April 9, 2015 at 6:47pm

Tildyc- It took me over a year before I was able to try and start to eat or cook anything.  I ate pretty much half an english muffin or half bagel with peanut butter for pretty close to a year.  Not only did I pine for my husband to be in the kitchen and see him cooking for us but I really am not much of a cook.  I am trying to eat more than muffins and bagels but lots of days that is my fallback food.  And eggs.  Lots and lots of eggs.  By the time I realize I am hungry I am starving and that is quick and easy and I cant burn it.   I wait till I am really hungry most often because I have been trying to lose more and more weight thinking I am bringing on a stressed immune system.  It's my way of hastening a natural death.  I have one thing I am aware of in my body's system that just sort of appeared in the last couple weeks that seems peculiar but I have no idea if it is serious.  My intention is to wait and see if it gets worse or shows other symptoms.  If it is what I hope it is it will be my ticket out. We'll see.   I wont be going to a doctor until it gets so bad there will be no reversing it.  

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 9, 2015 at 6:01pm

Y'all come and visit me anytime. Just come to Monroe, Georgia. I will be happy to make all of y'all sausage gravy. My husband's recipe. He would love for me to share it with friends.

Comment by George H on April 9, 2015 at 4:51pm

Up since 3 am loneliness just to strong today just can't seem to work through it can't seem to find a minuteof peace

Comment by Tildyc on April 9, 2015 at 3:21pm

Yes – sausage gravy. He would make that sometimes on our days off together. Or pancakes/or omelettes or bacon and eggs with hashbrowns. I've tried to go and cook in the kitchen a few times now. But I end up crying so hard that it is impossible to make anything beyond toast, cereal or the microwave. Every time I'm in the kitchen I remember how happy he was when he was preparing food for us and others. It's just too painful to have to accept the fact that I'll never have that again. I won't have anything of him ever again. There is no joy in my life. No more happiness. Everything that was important to me before either doesn't matter anymore or has been very diminished.

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