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Comment by George H on April 22, 2015 at 10:27pm

M Morgan I haven't felt Mary either later don't dream about her or anything I just don't get it

Comment by morgan on April 22, 2015 at 10:25pm

George- I SO know what you feel.  I've tried so hard to make the pain go away and knowing you are still early on,  the pain will be the roughest and most enduring right now but even though it lessens in amount it (as you can see in my posts) at least for me, stays at an intensity that is disabling me when it happens.  All I keep repeating to him out loud is "please help me baby".  I don't think anyone is listening.  

Comment by morgan on April 22, 2015 at 10:20pm

I really cant do this anymore.  I wont.  I was just talking to a friend who my husband made promise to look after me if something happened to him and he is currently trying to put together a new relationship.  I am happy for him but between yesterday and the thrift shop meltdown and knowing I will never have my husband touch me again I just had another terrible meltdown.  I cant do this.  I just don't know how. I don't know how any of you are able to feel your spouse with you.  I am bereft.  I have nothing of any of that kind of feeling.  Sure, I've had some things I could attribute to "signs" if I tried hard enough to wrap a belief up in paper and my kitty cat tries to stay close to me but I just don't know what to do anymore.  This has gone on too long.  I don't want some fake drugs to smother what I feel.  This is horrendous……….sorry, but I need to get this out of my system.  I don't know if it will do it but I need to do something and at least on here you will read it and not think that I am exaggerating the pain.  I'd rather have cancer at this point.  Just anything that gives me hope of an end.

Comment by George H on April 22, 2015 at 8:45pm

So tired of the loneliness haven't sleep in a few days I'm missing Mary more and more the hole is getting deeper and darker I just wish all this shot would end and I could wake up and go back to my life with Mary

Comment by bluebird on April 22, 2015 at 8:36pm

Trina, so are SO lucky/blessed. I have never had that happen with my husband, and I love him more than anyone/anything in existence.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 22, 2015 at 8:25pm

Like John T feels a connection to his wife Diane, I feel a very strong connection to my wonderful husband Joseph. It's been more than 8 months that he left me, but I feel him beside me constantly. I know he is right there next to me. He is ever-present, not only when I am alone,  but even when I am among other people or teaching in front of a class. 

Just a couple of days ago when I was struggling with the dishwasher because I forgot how to lower the rack, I asked Joseph aloud to show me how it is done. He was the one who ran the dishwasher. And lo and behold, the latch sprang out and the rack laid flat. Perhaps some of you will dismiss this as coincidence, but I know it's not. He was there to help me as I called out to him. This very small incidence confirmed my feeling that Joseph walks beside me, that his spirit is here, he can see me; only I can't see him. I find a tiny bit of comfort in the thought that he can see me and hear me, and that I can talk to him. And once in a while he will respond to me.

Comment by morgan on April 22, 2015 at 7:45pm

 I can't believe it.  I still cannot accept or believe that my husband is gone forever.  How could he have left me behind?  I know he would never have done this because he would know how terribly painful this would be for me but how could he be gone with no trace.  Nothing for me to connect to.  Memories are phantom images.  I can't base my future on not having him in my life.   I cant live without him.  I've done it so far but I don't know how.  I keep staring at his photos and taking to him and I want more.  I want him.                                      

Comment by Dianne M. on April 22, 2015 at 12:03pm

2 months tomorrow. I am having a major meltdown today. I cant stop crying and yelling at his picture. Why did this happen? I hate being alone and having to do everything myself. I want this hurt to go away NOW......how much more can I cry???

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 22, 2015 at 2:51am

For the likes of us building a new life means staying alive in spite of our intense wish to just die, exit this miserable existence. If the others--those who haven't lost a beloved spouse--knew what hell we are having to endure on a daily basis, they would be dumbfounded. When they say these words, they have a completely different meaning for the bereaved. For me, it would mean resisting the desire to just end it all.  I will myself to go on living in spite of the desire to be just gone and in learning how to curb that desire and struggle through each new day without totally falling apart. That's how I am building my new life. The prospect of a long, grey, lonely, sorrowful life ahead is my new reality, my new life. If only these people knew! 

Comment by Tildyc on April 21, 2015 at 11:28pm

John T- if drinking has been a problem for you in the in your past – of course you don't want to start that again. Do not do it. Plz stay strong my friend John T. I'm not saying that drinking is an answer for god sake- but for me – once in a while – I just need to escape this bullshit.

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