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Comment by George H on April 30, 2015 at 6:35pm

Mary told me how she wanted me to live my life after she passed but it's not working out that way

Comment by George H on April 30, 2015 at 6:32pm

Trying to clean my house a little not going to we'll seeing all Mary's stuff which is about 100%of the house I guess I'm just trying to stay busy

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 30, 2015 at 4:56pm

Just to add, the night before he passed, in answer to my "How am I going to go on without you," Joseph answered, to do the good works and to live for my family. But he, just like me then, had no inkling as to how it feels to lose the most precious person in the world, in your life, so he couldn't speak to that. How would he know how I will/ought to cope with my grief? He had not been there, and I thank God that he was spared the agony and the unspeakable grief that I deal with everyday. I think when Joseph sees me in my pain and suffering he just wishes he could comfort me. So I try to honor Joseph's wishes in whatever small ways I can. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 30, 2015 at 3:59pm

We don't really know how our loved ones would want us to live. I shouldn't speak for the others, I should just say that I don't know that. I often get guidance from Joseph when I ask for it, but I can't honestly say that I know how he would want me to conduct myself as I am coping with my loss, pain, suffering, and the knowledge that the rest of my days--whether it's 3 more years or 30--I will be living in desperation and will be fervently wishing for my imminent death. This is one miserable existence. I can hardly call it living. Again, I am speaking from my own experience. I don't assume to know about how others feel, as grief and mourning are very individual experience that every individual undergoes differently. There is no right or wrong way about it.

Comment by Naomi on April 30, 2015 at 12:31pm

I know that feeling toI you must have been so in love with him to feel such hurt and pain I am sure that he would have wanted you to continue to live life knowing that yes you will meet him again one day but until then you must remember to always try to make him proud of you and when you reunite it will be even a greater strength and bond for how you conducted your life why you were briefly apart again my heart goes out to you and be strong

Comment by morgan on April 30, 2015 at 12:14pm

We are all on here looking for some slim thread of hope that someone else has found the magic answer to alleviating the pain we are all experiencing.  I know that is what I have been doing.  I keep thinking that if I look around the next corner or read one more thing that they will be the words that I needed to hear to fix my broken soul. I keep looking and listening and searching.  Someone will tell me WHY I feel this way and have a solution for how to make it better.  To have more than just the drudgery of moving through a day  while all the time in the background I cant stop thinking of my love.  

So at this point I have become numb to any healing. It isn't going to happen.  Not for me. I wish for others that they find something, anything that moves them to a place where some joy can be found but unfortunately I have had to resign myself to a world where hurt is what I've got.  

Would my husband have done better than me? No, I am pretty sure I can unequivocally say he would not.  We were (and obviously still are since I cant shake the pain) tied at the hip.  I am pretty sure he would not have survived this long.  I kind of wish I had the courage and the means but that time has passed.  Now I am sentenced to this every day prison I live in.

I am not saying this to push anyone in any direction or to ask for pity.  I am just saying it because it is about the one place I can be brutally honest and I know that many of you understand and nod your head in agreement unlike the other world we came from where they desperately want for us to fit back into the old world.  They don't know what to do or say to us.   I get it and in a way I wish I could fit in again but it would never be real.  This is the new reality.  A life without the love I lived for.  That's it.  All I have left is the truth of how much that hurts. 

Comment by Tildyc on April 29, 2015 at 10:30pm

Naomi- thank you for your words of support. Appreciate it. Maybe some day I or someone on here will get to the place you're at.

But- you see- for me personally- I'm the one left behind... Alone without him. And even though I consider myself a very strong person in almost all aspects – this time I really don't see myself getting back up off my knees. And I'm not trying to be insulting or brush off your solid and well-meaning advice. And perhaps I may find an answer to my all pain and searching. Maybe even be strong like you someday.

But from where I sit – my future looks very bleak. And in my heart- I do not feel any real answers to my sadness and pain.

Not until I meet him on the other side. This is how I feel and I can't change that.

Comment by Naomi on April 29, 2015 at 9:44pm

Sorry, evidently spell check not working well. Like me we have all had the experience of love. Many NEVER experience it.

Comment by Naomi on April 29, 2015 at 9:42pm

It is okay to be sad and by all means CRY
Only you will know when your time of sorrow is passed. However re.ember in your heart how your dearly beloved would have wanted to continue life. Not forever sad but LtIVING. Reach deep down inside and find just that one little time when you smiled and share do . This will help you move forward

Comment by Tildyc on April 29, 2015 at 5:18pm

Ok- well then – I guess you can say I've basically converted my home into a shrine to Mark. I have pictures all over our front room and in the bedroom. In the kitchen... I have hung a huge framed photo of him when he was cooking tamales. I also have a picture in my truck and have gotten three unique tattoos in his honor. His slippers, hunting rifle and portable saw still sit in the front room where he left them.

When I brush my teeth, I still have his toothpaste sitting next to the sink. We had separate toothpastes because I did not like the taste of his. But now- I often pick up his toothpaste and hold it in my left hand (because he was a lefty) and I'm able to fit my fingers into the exact same impressions that his fingers had left from before. It's kind of like holding his hand I guess?

And that's pretty sad.... I realize that. But everything about me anymore is just sad. I wish it wasn't that way but it is. And most likely always will be- until the moment that Mark and I finally are reunited.

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