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Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 16, 2015 at 10:14pm

Hello Nancy,

When I "see" Joseph, and I do often, he is always smiling. It's his dazzling smile that everyone found so captivating. Now I don't know if that's my mind playing tricks on me, or is it really Joseph making his presence known to me--and I will never know until I die--but when he's here, he tells me that he is in a good place and that he is not sad. Like you, getting that from him makes my miserable existence livable. If Joseph had missed me or if he was sad on the other side, then I think I would have taken my own life. As unbearable as the pain and missing is, and as much I pray every single day for my imminent death, I haven't contemplated suicide. And again, it is because of the reassurance that I get from Joseph that he is alright.

Now I know that many will disprove and laugh off my "feelings" and "communications" that I receive from him, they can't prove one or another that what I am feeling, seeing, or sensing is all my imagination. Exactly as I can't prove it otherwise. The deepest of mysteries is the existence of a divine being and of our souls, and no religion, belief system, philosophy, or scientific research or experimentation has conclusively proven or disproven any of this. So what I feel and sense from Joseph is subjective and can't be proven in any way. All I can say is that I am thankful that I have what I believe are "communications" from Joseph, as they make my miserable existence livable.

I wish you well and hope that over time you can come to a point in life where the memories are less painful and that you can create a happy place for yourself and your child.

Comment by Nancy on May 16, 2015 at 9:22pm

I choose to think that my husband is in another plane of existence that is not in the same time as we are. If time really is relative, then his time is totally different from mine. Maybe he is still in transit. Maybe he has just "arrived" and is figuring out what is going on. It makes me feel better to hope that he is not sad about leaving me. I talk to him in my head a lot. I keep asking what it's like, and all he says is that it's "awesome". I hope that really is the case. I can live with missing him, but if he is somewhere missing me, that would be horribly worse.

And it is lonely. I met him 5 years ago, it was my first romance, and he was my first love. Now it's like I'm living like I did 5 years ago. Back at square one. I still remember what I used to do and what I used to eat. It's like 5 years came and went, and I'm right back on my vanilla floor again. With my candle, and my journal and my dog. And instead of a roommate I have a 2 year old. Now I'm supposed to do all that over again? What if it ends the same way? I don't know if I could do that to myself again. And I certainly don't know if I will ever want to.

Comment by George H on May 16, 2015 at 8:41am

everyone is talking about persons after taking care of Mary 24/7 for seven seven years I feel that my life has no purpose I do all the everyday stuff but that don't seem to be enough just not sure where to go from here

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 16, 2015 at 8:04am

It would be interesting to understand the factors involved in such a wide variation in feelings of loss and devastation.  Is age a factor, having children or not having children, length of marriage, first or subsequent marriage, still working or retired, anticipatory grief or sudden loss, personality, etc.?

My husband was the great love of my life but because he had a chronic illness when I met him, I always knew it was likely he would die before me.  He gave me unconditional love and great confidence and I feel I would be doing him a disservice to allow that to die with him.  I will be forever grateful for the eleven years we were together but I also had/have a life beyond loving and caring for him - children and grandchildren, a career, and good friends.

What I have found is sudden anger toward my former husband who I divorced many years ago.  What is it about Paul's loss that has brought up these long buried feelings?  Do I need to be less analytical and just feel in order to move on or are those feelings a deep well that I may have trouble climbing out of?

Comment by morgan on May 16, 2015 at 1:02am

Trina,  you didn't do anything that upset me.  I am only responding to say how I see my situation.  That's all.  I can't take any words written by others who are experiencing what I too am enduring as anything more than just honesty in working out how to live.  I am not here to make anyone feel bad.  I just come here to vent.  It is a anonymous place to describe what I feel as I ask the questions of why?  

Trust me, I wish everyone else any smidgeon of success in moving through grief.  It's just I am expressing how far I have gotten with managing my loss and where I seem to have plateaued.  

I think you have been extremely compassionate and helpful in your posts.  I read and regard your comments as I do all others…...I read them all so maybe I can learn something that will help me and I can certainly use to learn anything anyone else uses as a way to find myself.  

Its all good. Please don't take it on yourself as something you said for why I write what I do.  I just write.  Willy nilly.  It is the only thing that has kept me halfway sane.  No apologies necessary!

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 16, 2015 at 12:44am

m morgan,

I am sorry if I have inadvertently hurt your feelings somehow. I was responding to what John T said about finding purpose in this new life we have now. I didn't mean my words to be prescriptive for others. Like you said, on this forum, unlike any other place, members express their feelings, experiences, fears and hopes without judging and without being judged.

As I said already, what I said about serving others is about MYSELF. I am not even sure that this is my purpose. I expressed doubt about it. All I said was that Joseph asked me to do the good works before he passed and noted the conversation with his sister. I am trying to figure out for myself what my purpose in life is going to be going forward. Perhaps I'll fail miserably and find no purpose after all. But I should be able to explore for myself and experience the failure myself. I owe it to myself to try and find my own path as a widow. And believe me, I know that it is not simple: I am a grieving widow.

Joseph's death has left me devastated, crippled, broken, and reduced to half. But like some others on this forum, I do not wish to live like this for the rest of my life, however long that life may be. I want to find a purpose and will do everything to try to find my own path even if it means that I will meet with disappointment and heartbreak. That disappointment can't be more than what I have been enduring these nine months.

I raised $1300 for the American Cancer Society for Joseph's birthday, and it brought me some satisfaction. Perhaps this feeling won't last long, but I will take whatever small comfort I can, when I can. That's my survival mechanism.

So please don't think that I was making assumptions or directing my remarks towards anyone, certainly not you. I am just sharing my thoughts and sounding out my ideas. Please know that I am not trying to rub anyone the wrong way. It's extremely hard as it is without us causing others on this forum any added burden. Again, my apologies if I didn't express myself correctly.

Comment by Tildyc on May 16, 2015 at 12:44am

I've tried to do things to make myself feel better lately. Helping others who need me. Trying to be selfless- which in turn is suppose to help me. There are others who depend on me very much. And who love me. And I love them. And I go to great lengths to help and take care of them. For most folks this would be more than enough. This wonderful experience of being needed. Isn't that what one of the main purposes of life and being human is suppose to be? To help others? It seems I've always been in this type of position in one way or another. And before I lost Mark- It was immensely fullfilling. But now- I continue with these same acts but I truly cannot find the happiness it used to bring. In fact- EVERYTHING that used to fullfill me and EVERYTHING I try now to do so, does not invoke any of those feelings I used to have. My entire state of being is always colored by my sadness. I cannot feel true joy or happiness anymore. I will continue to be of service to those who need me. But- as far as finding my purpose of life........ I guess I was wrong before. Because now... I feel no matter what I do- I'm still dead inside. It sounds selfish perhaps. But if I could change the way I'm feeling- I most certianally would. I hate who I've become. I hate this darkness that has become a part of who I am now.

Comment by morgan on May 16, 2015 at 12:14am

Trina,  I wish it was so simple to find purpose. I have tried valiantly. I've been trying to fight against the tidal wave of remembering for 28 months now. I am sure there are others who will succeed in their search.  I have not.

Oh, I do but I am not.  I do but it is only because I am alive not because I live.  I do because I wanted to give myself plenty of time to work through the angst and the pain.  But I cannot see any purpose.  

I was the other half of a whole.  I was a yin to a yang, a sweet to a sour, a plus to a minus.  I lived through my husband.  Yes I was that interdependent.  Now I cannot find myself because I have no mirror. It was shattered into a million pieces and I have been crawling around on the shards for a long time.  Cut up, bruised and thinking of times when what I saw was a reflection. Too many pieces now.  

I function better. I am eating better.  I drive again.   I am no longer employed by another but working on doing something on my own.  Yet there is no happiness or joy in living now.  

The wound is not gaping and hemorrhaging. It has grown a soft edge  but still is able to be broken open at at moments happenstance.  I tread carefully.  I weep openly and when it builds it can happen anywhere.  I've "learned to manage" my expectations of what this now presents itself as life.  I will never be able to do more than exist.  It just is what it is.  

And I do understand.  We are all here expressing our "feelings" and I don't judge you for yours nor do you judge me.  Its all good.  I get what you were saying.  

At one point my own philosophic view about gaining perspective about my "feelings" was much the same as yours.  Then time passed and I realized that there was just too much love that had happened to me over 35 years for me to do more than just prefer an easy out.  It's too hard Trina.  I don't want to try to reconstruct another time, another life, another being.  Others can, and may and should. I wish them well.  Its just not my path.  It's not that my mind is made up its just a "feeling" that this is my way, my path.  I tolerate what I have to and isolate from what I can avoid.  Emotionally it is where I have landed and it is where I minimize the pain.  I am tired of fighting to regain a sense of me.  I can only be the other half of a whole until death takes me.  I'm ready.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2015 at 11:30pm

So what I said earlier about my purpose was meant to describe my own feelings and trying to come to terms with my tragedy. I make no assumptions on what that purpose might be for others. Just speaking for myself and sharing my own experience.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2015 at 11:26pm

I meant to write:each of us has to figure it out for ourselves what our purpose in life is...

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