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Comment by rachel_micele on June 29, 2015 at 12:11am

Thinking the other day of how we "pick up the pieces" to a heartbreak in our life, in this case there are no pieces remaining to even pick up. No pieces to put back together. They are so beyond destroyed, not even existing. This rebuilding, recreating of ourselves from absolutely nothing is unimaginably grueling ...

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 28, 2015 at 2:29am

m morgan,

Thank you for your words of support. Ever since I've gotten back home, my pain has doubled. I look around the house and see all the things belonging to Joseph that remind me of our life together. It's just heartbreaking. When will there be relief for such as those of us? Our loved one was snatched away from us untimely and now we can't be reunited with them as we want to. I feel trapped in this "life." This is no life, just living and breathing without any respite from my sense of loss.

I am trying very hard to teach myself to find comfort in the thought that Joseph is right here next to me even though I don't see him. Like you, m morgan, I try to find small consolation in the thought that our consciousness fields are aligned, and we can communicate with each other non-verbally. But not being able to hold Joseph in my arms, to feel his touch, or to be able to talk to him is simply unbearable. I'll remain inconsolable until the day I die. I know how deeply all the others here on this site are suffering. All this pain here, it's just heartbreaking. Please, please, let us have reprieve...

Comment by morgan on June 28, 2015 at 12:57am

Trina,

Missed you being part of our conversation.  I figured you were more focused on other things while in BD and to an extent I am hoping it gave you some needed distraction and passed another month.   But you are right.  Nothing will really change our loss nor our desire to take our own leave as soon as naturally possible.  Sometimes it just amplifies our loss.

When I took my trip to Hawaii during the winter of 2013-14 where we used to live and I was revisiting my best friend in the world when I arrived I collapsed with one of the worst breakdowns of crying while trying to get off the plane.  They ended up having to put me in a  wheelchair to get me to baggage claim where my friend was waiting.  Something about traveling to our older place of residence did me in.

And you are right about it never being enough.  It wouldn't matter if we had 2 years or 200 years, love is needed for eternity and trying to accept that the physical manifestation is not necessary is a really tough nut to crack.  I struggle trying to convince myself that I am still tuned in to my husband's energy even though he is not physically here.  I want to believe that he is still walking with me because of  quantum entanglement and that even though our physical body's are not together our consciousness field is.  I have to keep trying to visit that belief.  It's not easy as I want him in my arms. I want all those physical sensations that gave me the visceral essence of him.  It's all I want or I want to go.  Neither seems to be happening.

Take care...

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 27, 2015 at 5:28pm

Hello All,

I was gone for a while as I was visiting with my brother in Bangladesh and got back home a couple of days ago. While I was in BD, my mind sort of tricked me into thinking that Joseph is in Fairbanks while I am in Dhaka. I visit BD every summer and while away, Joseph and I always suffered our one-month-long separation badly, to be rewarded later by our joyful reunion. So my pain was sort of muted while on this trip. But coming back in all the airports I had major crying fits realizing how Joseph won't be there at the airport waiting for me to welcome me home. How I won't have the the unmatched joy and happiness of seeing him, feel his arms around him, kiss him, hear his voice, and look into his eyes. It hit me home brutally again that the separation from Joseph was for the rest of my life. Never again will I have the comfort, the bliss, and the pure happiness to be in the company of the love of my life.

Talking about time, no time is enough for a surviving spouse/lover. While only having the blessing of your love for only 2 or 3 years is very little, as some others have noted on this forum, we always want more time than we were granted with our loved one. Talking to my grief counsellor, I kept telling him if only Joseph were granted 50 years of life, and not 49 as he was, if only we were able to celebrate our silver anniversary together and not the 14 (we were together for 19 years) we were given. Even then a small voice told me that had Joseph been allowed to celebrate 50, or we 25 years of marriage, it still wouldn't have been enough.I still would have wished, asked prayed for me. When you love someone, you expect to grow old together, to live to be in your golden years with that person. I think that if Joseph had passed after his 70th birthday his passing wouldn't have been as acutely painful, but I know had it been that way, I still would have wanted to die with him or soon after.

The tragedy of our existence is that we are the surviving spouse/partner, and no matter how many years we spent together, it's never enough. For me personally, like many of you here, "enough" is to be able to join Joseph now. If I were to die today, I would give thanks and be grateful for eternity. Alas, seldom such prayers are heard. Maybe other prayers are heard, I don't know, but not those for the prolonging the life of an ailing loved one, or the imminent death of self.

We are condemned to walk this earth for the remainder of our lives joyless, pining away, wishing and hoping for our imminent death. But I do hope that some of us here will have the good fortune of building their lives again and finding happiness in a few years from now. This is not an impossible thing, but such a scenario is not possible for me. Joseph will forever remain the love of my life, no one else can replace him, ever. 

Peace to you all.

Comment by Tildyc on June 27, 2015 at 4:21pm

m morgan- I can't figure out how to post actual pictures on here. But I did change my profile picture to the old snag- now deemed the "Crying Tree" I messaged you about. It's quite lifeless-don't you think?

Comment by Tildyc on June 26, 2015 at 2:36pm

Was looking through my old voice messages on my phone to get some info for work. While doing this- I came across an old one from Mark. I couldn't help myself-- I just hit listen without hesitation. Hearing his voice again breaks me into a million little pieces. It brought me to my knees. I don't know why I can't keep myself from doing those type of things. I wish I where dead. I do not want to live in this world without him. This constant longing and heartbreak are like having to live with a tremendous weight upon me. It's so hard move or function. It's crushing me. And this depression is causing me so much physical pain now. Nothing that kills me unfortunately- just lots of ever present physical pain along with the even more debilitating unyielding emotional pain. This greif is so consuming and painful I actually don't really understand why it doesn't literally kill me? We all know its a factual possibility. And in truth- I did know a women here in my town that actually had a heart attack and died from the overwhelming greif of her husband's passing. It took less than a year for her. Why the eff can't I have the same consideration? Outside of our 2 beloved dogs- there is no earthly reason for me to remain in this bullshit that is suppose to be my life. PLEASE-LET ME OUT.

Comment by bluebird on June 24, 2015 at 5:43pm

Tildy,

I'm sorry you're dealing with physical pain on top of everything else. I know what you mean, though -- every time something else goes wrong for me, I wish my husband were here to make me feel better. I could deal with anything, with him by my side. Without him, I can't deal with anything. It's not that I was always incapable -- before I met him, I was perfectly capable of dealing with stuff.  Not thrilled with some of it, of course, but I mean I could do what I needed to do.  I could take care of my life. Now, without him, I don't have the strength, and I just don't give a fuck.

I get what you mean about the bargaining, too. I still do that, and it's been nearly 3 years since my husband died. I don't think I will ever stop, while I am still alive. But hopefully I won't live long, as I also hate this life that I used to love. It's time for it to end.

Comment by Tildyc on June 24, 2015 at 9:04am

Hi all- I have had some dental work done and it's gone terribly wrong. I'm in serious pain. But the reason I'm talking about this on here is not for sympathy but to try and explain a point I guess. Every time I suffer from any kind of physical pain- I instantly call out for Mark. His absence seems to make everything so much worse. In every aspect.

And much of the time I will say to myself- "I would gladly live with this physical pain the rest of my life if it somehow meant that I could have Mark back in return." What a strange thing to think. What a weird and ridicules way to try and..... make a bargain??? There is no bargain to be made. There is no relief or escape to be had. I will not be with him. I'm imprisoned in this greif for the entirety of my exsistance and I hate this life I once used to love. I'm simply just waiting for the end to someday finally come.

Comment by George H on June 24, 2015 at 6:36am

hi everyone still here haven't posted much and I truly have nothing to add Mary's been gone 16 weeks yesterday and as you all know life is not getting any better not getting any lighter and the loneliness is still staggering I keep up with you all and I wish you all good luck in trying to move forward as for myself like most of you I just don't see that happening at this time but I just want you all to take care of yourselves in the early days you guys were the only support I had and actually still are

Comment by rachel_micele on June 23, 2015 at 10:37pm

Thank you John. Reading your profile info I can understand where you are coming from. And it goes to show another twist to this time concept. My heart goes out to you for the guilt that is eating at you.

I only had Gary for 5 years, 3 1/2 of what we were officially together. Our relationship was rough at times also. There were a couple issues we always fought about and at one point I considered breaking up. But neither of us wanted to be with anyone else, we loved each other so much, and I knew if we could just work these things out, it would be perfect. We finally had a breakthrough after a 3 day fight in December, 3 months before he passed. It was like a new start to our relationship. We were both different people. The fruit that was coming from that was wonderful. So not only so little quantity of time, we were just getting started.

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