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Comment by bluebird on July 21, 2015 at 9:36pm

(((((((((((Tildy))))))))))

Comment by Tildyc on July 21, 2015 at 9:32pm

The minute I walked in the door today from work I have been completely beyond any relief from my tears and heartache. I cannot stop this onslaught. I've cried so hard for the last 41/2 hrs that I physically hurt. It won't stop. I can't live without him. This pain is so incredibly overwhelming and out of control. I cannot stop these tears today. Please- I want to die.

Comment by bluebird on July 21, 2015 at 3:57pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{{morgan}}}}}}}}}}}}

I get it; it's the same for me.

Comment by morgan on July 21, 2015 at 2:30pm

Grief is like a slow death. I just want to give up. July 21, 2015 and it has been two years and six months to the day he died. It's been an eternity. I can't watch a movie, go to the store, cook something, go to the post office, I can't do anything that doesn't remind me of him. It's killing me, a slow death. 
The violence of death, the ripping apart of every neuronal fiber that connected us has left nothing but jagged nerves. The trauma of losing him has morphed into a longing so deep and so wide I'll never fill the hole. It's swallowing me. Piece by piece

And I second what Anne said.  George is a gem…….

Comment by nicole irving on July 21, 2015 at 12:24pm

2:30 in the morning 4th day with very little sleep. woke up crying, how my life has changed. said to mike only the week before he did about hopefully at some point getting a full time job where i was working. meanwhile in these last 2 months 1 of the workers have left and they had a full time job to fill...... i dont know how i am going to go back there , my bosses are lovely, they have been great support, but this is yet another kick in the teeth to how much life sucks. i went out one day just to catch up with my boss one of the workers out there wont even look at me because he doesnt know what to say, and its a job that was a massive base to mine and mikes relationship, it was what we were aiming to do together. and he has been out there with us, social occassions etc., i know what i want to do but dont think i will have enough money to do it. im so confused........

Comment by George H on July 20, 2015 at 10:27pm

I don't mean to offend anyone but my view on God is very simple I feel that praying is doing nothing about something

Comment by bluebird on July 20, 2015 at 10:13pm

John T., I feel exactly as you do -- about "god" (if there even is such a being), about the platitudes and bullshit that people spout. They don't fucking know.

Comment by Angela on July 20, 2015 at 9:20pm

MySpiritual mentor provided me with scripture from the Bible for anyone interested. I have been angry at God and for God to allow my husband to survive a heart attack in December then take him away in April anyway was quite cruel to me.

Here is what my Spiritual mentor wrote to me:

*********Anger psalms - try Psalm 6, 13, 55 (particularly vv. 13-15), 79 (particularly vv 65-66), and especially 88. For starters. A third of the psalms are those of "lament," that is, "not comfort or confidence."

Don't forget that Jeremiah also spoke some tough words, (Jer 20:7), and Job wrestled with God. So did Jacob (Genesis 32:22) who wrestled literally with God. Jesus' words at the Garden of Gethsemane are also important (Matthew 26:36-46). One priest told us (as he led a retreat), "What do you do when God doesn't open the door, when you don't find what you seek, when you ask and it isn't given to you?" That's when we turn to these authentic prayers and "call God on the carpet." It's ok, and actually healthy. It says you have a living (real) relationship.******

I have read through some of that stuff. and for those here with Christian background, the basis of all this faith stuff is rooted in the Scripture that God put his son on earth so he could suffer and die for us. I keep wondering why the hell God would do that. So I continue to question my investment and belief in scripture.
There are no answers for why someone dies when they die. There is no sense to it. I even wonder what is the purpose of human beings and the life cycle on earth if we all die anyway? We live to die. That is it. If that wasn't bad enough, we learn to love and have relationships, then loved ones die and leave others in a quandary. What is the purpose of contributing so much misery? It's beyond religion, beyond faith, it becomes more of "what is the purpose of our lives?"

On a side note, I hope I did not offend anyone's beliefs, just expressing my own struggle here.

All I can say is I feel broken, no longer whole. I have an emptiness inside and my map for my future is now blank. My world came to a screeching halt the day he died.

I can't deal with crowds either. I often feel so isolated and attempt to get out and change my point of view, but the sadness inside and the loneliness I feel doe not allow me to connect around larger groups of people, or individuals either. It's similar to being dissociative, separated from reality but still going through the motions to get by.

Comment by nicole irving on July 20, 2015 at 9:12pm

hi nancy, i have a just turned 10 yr old son also, mike was his stepdad but more of a dad then the other one, it is hard with kids, i have trouble on the times when i feel crowded because he even crowds me at times, he is hurting also, he stayed home from school yesterday because he just needed his mum, they were best buddies. it is difficult coping with everything. thinking of you. nicole

Comment by Nancy on July 20, 2015 at 8:44pm

I've been away for a few weeks, doing pretty good. But tonight the wave of grief is back, and so here I sit, waiting for it to subside so I can go back to pretending to be "normal" again.
I have decided I just can't do crowds and parties. I've tried a couple events now, but large numbers of people being happy and talking about useless crap irritates me and saddens me and makes me withdraw. I just can't handle the fact that they don't have to suffer thru this particular hell.
I have this 2 year old that keeps asking when daddy is coming back. And I keep having to answer him with the truth, and it just uncovers the mask and brings it all forward again.
My coworkers are in a fight right now, and i can't believe that, one, they are fighting about stupid irrelevant stuff, but two, that they would not take into consideration what I'm going thru and be considerate. Take your crap elsewhere, I don't need your drama. I can't deal with it. My HUSBAND died. None of your s$$t matters to me.
Thanks to all of you on this forum. But I'm sad we are all here.

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