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Comment by Tildyc on August 16, 2015 at 10:29pm

Hi guys. I'm just checking in. I don't have the words anymore to express the depth of my depression and hopelessness. I just continue to go deeper and deeper into this darkness. I seriously do not know what to do.

Comment by Nancy on August 14, 2015 at 9:38pm

Facebook decided to "share a memory" with me today, but it was the post where I told everyone that Will's treatments weren't working. That was a great way to start my day. It was the beginning of the end and I knew it. 7 months later he was gone.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 11, 2015 at 10:49pm

Hello All,

I came back from NY after marking Joseph's first year of passing. Twenty of us gathered in a state park and reminisced about Joseph and celebrated his life. It was very moving and powerful. Coming back home has been very tough. The ceremony was a huge comfort, but the feeling didn't last for more than a couple of days. I think I was hoping to see some change in my state of mind after the one year mark and after the ceremony. But no such luck. The loneliness is of a totally different order. As rachel says, it's beyond loneliness, it's the feeling of meaninglessness that so hard. There's very little that matters anymore. It's looking into the future and seeing all those years of emptiness and longing. No matter how loving or kind my relatives are, nobody and nothing can replace Joseph. He is/was my life, my joy, and my reason for being; now I only have years and years of living life in a grey world devoid of joy and happiness. Joseph, how long do I have to wait to be reunited with you?

Sending all of you vibes of sympathy and wishes for peace. 

Comment by rachel_micele on August 11, 2015 at 7:03pm

And I guess for me I'm not sure it's as much the loneliness that gets me. It's this empty, hollow, completely meaningless, obliterated existence that I am beyond broken and lost in.

Comment by rachel_micele on August 11, 2015 at 6:44pm

Hi George. I'm glad to see your post and that you're still here. You're our gem. Yes, AnneJ's comment of that has stuck with me. I'm sorry to hear such trouble with loneliness. Some of us were talking about that last wk on Jimbo's post, just in case you missed it. We're all here for you. Sending good vibes your way. 

Comment by George H on August 11, 2015 at 6:03pm

Hello everyone just wanted to let you know I'm still here I follow you all I just haven't posted in a while right now I'm having way too much trouble dealing with the loneliness so I really haven't had much that I can say but just wanted you all to know that I was thinking about you

Comment by Nancy on August 10, 2015 at 8:56pm

It is terrible. We relive the final moments over and over. I'm finding that the good moments are starting to fade already. It sucks. And it sucks every time I remember, and every time I need a helping hand, and every time I need someone to watch the kid for 5 fucking seconds so i can do something else. And it's just me again. And I get mad, and I cry, and I'll watch some tv show and they'll throw in some grieving person, and I'm crying again. Over and over. Groundhog Day on some nightmarish repeat cycle.

Comment by rachel_micele on August 9, 2015 at 11:47pm

Today was the first session for the bereavement group. On the drive there I just couldn't believe I was going to this. This was NOT supposed to be my life ... !

I joined this site May 16th, almost 3 months ago. Getting to know those of you on here is bringing me some small comfort tonight as the emotional aftermath of the group session has me feeling disoriented. Thank you everyone for investing and being a part of this site, sharing your story and continual feelings. The tears flow easily the moment I look at Gary's picture sitting next to me and think of how empty and hollow my world is without him. The love of my life. So cliche but so true. How he meant fucking everything to me. In every plan, in every scene of my future, a part of every "someday" that I will never have. I love(d) him so damn much.  

I just cannot mentally grasp how this degree of emotional heartbreak and pain is even humanly possible ...

Comment by nicole irving on August 9, 2015 at 9:41pm

so physically and emotionally exhausted

Comment by Fran on August 8, 2015 at 11:32am

I miss that when things happen, I don't have Bill to take care of it. Like a hailstorm we had last Sunday...I have to deal with getting in touch with insurance to make claims....follow thru to make sure everyone is on the same page...I miss Bill taking care of stuff like that....9 months and counting

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