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Comment by Nancy on October 25, 2015 at 9:59pm

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day my world fell apart. We were 3 days into our honeymoon when he collapsed. The CT revealed f-ing brain cancer. The exact same kind that killed my mother 11 years before. I was promised 5 years. I got 3.5. I'm still mad. I wanted my 5 years, I made plans for 5 years. And that f-ing doctor told me we were "close" to hospice and I should have called them weeks before. I have no faith in doctors anymore. Either they don't know, or they do and won't tell you. Either is unacceptable. I wanted my 5 years. Tomorrow is going to suck more than any other date because this was the end of the world as I knew it. The end of carefree happy, forever.

Comment by nicole irving on October 25, 2015 at 6:18am

and 6mths for me on the 18th of nov. feels like it was yesterday, i have always been a fighter, now the only word to describe me is broken

Comment by nicole irving on October 25, 2015 at 6:16am

how the hell are we meant to get through the next 40yrs of life feeling as we constantly feel!!!!!   :(

Comment by Angela on October 24, 2015 at 9:45pm

Mel, it will be 6 months on the 27th since I lost Tom. It's unbearable most of the time. It's empty and lonely. Even when I go out of the house or the neighbor visits, it's like I somehow separate my being from the loss in order to get through the appearance. When I am alone again I am exhausted and often break down and hibernate.

Comment by morgan on October 24, 2015 at 8:27pm

Mel,  I just passed 33 months and I come to this website several ties a day licking the gaping hole in my psyche and trying to salve my consciousness.  Its been a brutal, soul sucking journey and I can give you my two cents.

It never goes away.  The searing pain gets to be less intense as time passes.  The frequency of the breakdowns become further apart.  The surreal fog that surrounds your brain for about the first year to two starts to lift at about the two year mark and some reality as we remember it begin to intrude.  We don't let most of it in.  It is guaranteed to be the worst thing you will ever try to manage, bar none.  

But it never goes away.  The shadow of our love's life is with us constantly.  We just find that because we breathe we cope in ways that lessen the pain.  It almost happens automatically.  I certainly don't think that i have had any control over any of it.  It is happening to me.  I have had nothing to do with it.  I have chosen none of it.

At this point I look back at 6 months where you are or even twelve months and wonder how the hell did I survive it.  Hell, it was still coming at me at two years.  Now I can sit on a  couch for hours at a time and read and write on the computer and do nothing and wait for the pressure to build and at some point something will trigger me and I will go and crawl in the hole.  I cry it all out one more time of the million times but I don't think my body is ready to give in yet.  I'm trying but it isn't ready.  

I hope for the day I don't wake to the light of this earth.  I am ready any day.  When my name disappears from the column on the right for awhile you will know I am gone.  Until then I will likely come here as do many others for the understanding that I get nowhere else.  For each of you understand that this death knell is all about the ripping apart of another humans soul.  Its what happens to those who have had the luck of loving deeply.  We now get to hurt just as deeply.  It will change some with time just like love does but it never goes away.

Just my two cents.

Comment by Tildyc on October 24, 2015 at 6:05pm

Hi Mel- I'm on my way to 10 months. I've been living in a surreal nightmare since Feb. 4th, 2014. It's the day my life as I knew it exploded. The pain is beyond measure and there really are no words that come close to ever describe the way the death of a soulmate has completely destroyed the world in which we have no choice but to have to exist in now.

The only place I have found that I can fully express myself anymore and be understood and not judged- is here- on this website. Here Mel- you'll at leapt find kindred, broken souls. Take care-

Comment by Mel Royer on October 24, 2015 at 3:29pm

This is the 6th month since losing my Nancy.  It feels worse than any

of the previous months. I only hope that 2016 will be a better year .

I really don't think I can continue with this pain and confusion. 

Mel

Comment by morgan on October 21, 2015 at 1:50am

What is it about, when biology stops, that it tears off the top third of our brains?  Seriously.  I'm really beginning to feel like this is all just some crazy experiment by some cruel alien civilization. 

Escape……..damn, what a treat that would be.

Comment by Tildyc on October 21, 2015 at 1:00am

I've tried (am still trying) to find an escape- if only temporary sometimes. Some how, some way....

This pain and the constant reminder that I will never be with him again- that I am now forever alone..., that I will never be whole... It leads me to understand that there is no true escape.

And to be truthful, I am not that strong. This is something I cannot do. To try and live my life without him. I will continue searching for something to relieve this pain. Whatever it may be. Not proud of some of it ... But this pain and despair is eating my soul. I already know that I will not truly be at peace until the day we are finally together. And the only answer is to die.... It just is. I did not make these stupid rules. But I am absolutely bound to them. There is no other way to find him but to pass on.

And honestly- there's a chance that it may
not be the the truth when we get there later. There is no way of knowing for sure. But I believe at some point I most likely will be compelled to find a way out of this pointless life I'm forced to endure.

Ok- classic rambling thru tears. I apologize for that. Try and sleep tonight. Take care..

Comment by morgan on October 21, 2015 at 12:58am

Angela, I am so glad it wasn't a miscommunication.  And I do understand how those two opposing forces work only mine is just a tad different.  Because without children I don't have anything really to have to worry about or live for so in that way I could do what you have said which is "you probably wouldn't be here".  Unfortunately that is the struggle I have which is even though I don't have that responsibility/committment to others and I can say I don't want to be here (because really, why?) but taking one's life has all of some of those same conflicting emotions that you struggle with only based on different reasoning.  How to do it?  Can I get the means necessary to do it?  Will I have the courage to do it when I do?  And then the big one, if I do have I made a decision that for some reason eliminates the "possibility" that I will be rejoined with my husband.  So for different reasons I end up with you and Anne and Tildyc Nicole, George John Trina Tom Suzy Sam and all the others whose names we don't even know yet but we walk this same damn path along a constant set of unknowns.  Here we are.  Not one of us wants to be here and yet we come together because we do find some solace in the shared anguish.  

It actually scares me that I can write about this sometimes and be comforted and other times I am like a raving lunatic, inconsolable. I have not had to ride a roller coaster like this……ever.  Nothing was easy but the shared seat with my husband was all that I guess I needed.  Now, like you said broke, disconnected, yearning, and Anne, like you said climbing that granite mountain with no summit.  Our analogies are profound, our perspectives deep.  And in the interim while we are dealing with all of this, it is (I believe), wreaking havoc on our insides.  Literally, physically.  How long we can last against such tide is anyones guess.  It would be just so much easier if we could turn the spigot off.  Yea, right.  Fat chance.

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