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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Monty on February 3, 2019 at 4:55pm

Joe..   that is beautifully said.

I totally understand how children affect our coping with grief and the pain.

Without my children and their needs and emotional support, I think I would be a hollowed out a person in a dark room.

I am still working on "faking it till I make it"  not that I'm sure I'll ever make it but ill keep trying.

linda

as always your images you post a poignant and right on the mark.

thanks for sharing 

to everyone have the best day you can.

regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 3, 2019 at 6:22am

Morgan,

Once again your post tells me what has exactly happened to me. No one will never understand what we are going through. The best way I can explain this others is if they listen to the song "Everyday" by Phil Collins. Today is Superbowl Sunday and Julian and I always had crab legs. It is a bittersweet memory. The last Superbowl we had together he was in the hospital fighting cancer. Of all the ones we saw together, this one will always live with me. I too don't know how I can keep up with agony. Only time will tell.

Comment by morgan on February 2, 2019 at 9:37pm

How long can I last? It getting harder and harder to pretend that I can live this out.   Pretty much everyone I come in contact with is living in the old universe I used to live in.  Their motivations and desires are what mine used to be.  

I cant fake this all the time.  Its becoming way too hard.  I am drained.  When I hit the wall I am paralyzed.   Energy becomes nonexistent.  Crying to exhaustion.  The aftereffects have me needing rest.  This is not anyone's idea of living.  

Its not like it happens all the time but it is pretty much every other day.  I ask my brain why?  Why cant it just accommodate itself to not being able to have him here with me.  My reason knows that he is dead.  But my heart has died.  Its not like I don't know the reasons and the logic of death.  Its just my emotions wont let me live without him.  Every step I take forward I get dragged back three.  And I've taken many many steps forward but I keep getting drawn back those three.

I'm so tired of fighting my heart.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 1, 2019 at 6:15am

Joe,

Thanks for your great explanation of this prayer. I have said it over and over since losing My Julian in 2013. I know I will never recover and don't want to. I know I can never change. All I want is for God to take me to him.  

Comment by M Adams on January 31, 2019 at 12:49pm

What is the serenity prayer?

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 31, 2019 at 6:12am

Morgan & Jim,

I am so blessed to have this friendship with you both. It keeps me going to know I am not alone in this Hell. I always read the "Serenity Prayer" every morning but I cannot accept the things I cannot change and I never will. 

God Bless you Both, Linda

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 9:11pm

The universe gave you a bit of light today Joe regarding your daughters surgery and I am so glad that for her she has another chance to continue life with her family.  Not having had children I cannot imagine the sense of the burden to desire life for them.  It must be extremely difficult when it looks like it might be another loss for you.  I know I cant handle loss anymore.  I break down.  It doesn't matter whose loss, or what it is, I just cant handle it.  So I am glad it appears she will have more time.  No loss is a relief.

And two parts of your post......yes, I'm not alone in hell, but I don't like the residency nonetheless. and two, I cant find someone to blame either.  And boy, do I wish I could.  That mountain in my room fills a large space along with the other things.  But yes, if only I could find someone to blame.  

All of your post rings true.  We all need to hear how we are not alone in this pain.......

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 7:45pm

Linda,  I too come here because I know that I am understood for my inability to "get better".  I know I have better hours that over the years have increased in length.  I know that I fake it better notwithstanding how much of a fraud I feel like I am.  What I also know is what your poem states very clearly.  I will never get over it.  

I have less of the fog and more of the reality that living is never going to get better and I am really over continuing to push time forward.  I long for the day of my death.  I can hardly wait.  I really hope the universe is not planning on a long drawn out departure.  It has been too long already.  

I have a gay friend living with me who attempted suicide and is trying to reconstruct his life so right now I am concentrating on helping him.  We go back a long way and I want for him to succeed where I fail in wanting to continue life.  I think he has come round to where he wants to live now.  Whether my husband sent him into my path to keep me occupied for now I have no idea.  I just know I feel like I have pretty much done all I wanted to try and if I can feel somewhat assured that he and my affairs are tied up maybe the universe will do me the favor I want.  

I have a hard time imagining that my body can withstand more of the same over too much more time.......

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 30, 2019 at 6:12am

Morgan,

I feel this forum is the only thing keeping us going. Before I joined I had no support from friends and family. I know that they want to help but they just can't understand what I am feeling. It is a hell of a fight everyday. My sweet dog Babie J is a real comfort to me but now she is 14 years old and I have to watch her go downhill just like my Husband. All we can hope for is that we will be taken soon by the Lord. I know I posted this before but I have it about my computer and look at all the time

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 1:35am

So angry......so so angry that I am being forced to live.  I hate having to keep pushing myself to pretend like I give a damn.  I really can't be of much support to anyone here because I am getting so pissed that we are all being put through the wringer.  I read about Joe and his daughter and his pain, and Nancy and Bluebird and Linda and Trina and Michael and John T and Maxey and Pamela and everyone who has still not been able to reconstruct a decent life after the death of their spouse.  How the heck are we supposed to do this?????

I reach out time and again still thinking that something that someone says is going to flip the switch and I am going to gain some providential insight so I can get something out of the daily grind.  And nothing......its just one day after another of missing him.  Wanting him to come get me because i know full well he's not coming back here so my only real chance of being together is somewhere else.  Begging for release from this life......and still nothing......no peace, no rest......just anger and sadness....

How are any of us supposed to do this?

 

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Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I relate to you all who have posted lately.  2 years for me.  2nd year was worse than the first as reality set in and shock lessened.  I am still in a trauma state of mind.  Forgetful, irritable, less patient.  I isolate…"
Saturday
Deanna N Nash added a discussion to the group surviving family members' murders
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Nothing feels real

My husband was brutly murdered 6 day ago and nothing feels real to me I'm still waiting to wake up or him to call me the pain is unbearable I don't know if I can go on anymore
Saturday
Deanna N Nash commented on Susie H's group surviving family members' murders
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Robin, thank you.  Bluebird was the honesty that i discovered on this site that made it possible for me to express what I go through.  Several others who write let me know too.  I tend to reach out here, particularly when I am…"
Saturday
Robin commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan - I lost my husband John, 9 years ago, when he was 46.  I come to this website every now & then, but have only commented a few times.  I relate most to you and Bluebird.  I can't believe it's been 9 years, and…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I really don't know what to say to all the newer people who come here looking for help and comfort because I have struggled for years. I did find an article written by a psychotherapist just the other day that made some sense to me about the…"
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Missing my true love

My partner died 14 weeks ago and I am struggling big time without her, we been together for 10 years and now I have nothing left,
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Sharon batten left a comment for Sharon batten
"I hate my life without her now I miss her so much, we been together for 10 years and now I have nothing left"
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Kathleen Jordan commented on Anna-Marie's blog post When does the crying stop.
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