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Comment by stewart p on May 17, 2016 at 12:55pm

I can’t say at present I know the answer but I am still reading and trying to understand.  Two nuggets of treasure I have discovered so far is first as Frankel points out that the only freedom we truly have is how we choose to respond to those things which occur to our lives.  Though I don’t find this very comforting in of itself I do find some solace in accepting the truth. As the  serenity prayer reminds us; “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change” which is everything outside myself, Frankel points out that in life we are only free to choose how we act and by accepting that which we do not control we can begin to find some peace.  He does not say it will diminish our grief, but it does give us the opportunity to do something with it.

Anne’s father, Otto likewise lost his wife and two young lovely daughters.  How does one pick oneself up and face life after so great a loss?

I don’t know the answer yet, Im still trying to understand it but both of these men did serve a purpose outside of themselves afterwards following their loss.  They did something that contributed to serving the lives of those around them. 

This didn’t eliminate or perhaps even lessen their grief but their grief empowered them more likely to carry on once they looked outside of themselves. I have to be honest, just typing that sentence makes me want to hide back in my bed and sleep more and wallow in my grief.  That seems sooo hard to do and such a tall order, but I don’t sense they did it because they wanted to help themselves as much as they did it from the love they had for those lost. 

In our culture that is particularly difficult to assimilate because here in Western Society the message really in more of one serving the self, but I fear if I fall prey to that message I will be eft to endure only more sadness and despair that I can barely stand to endure now any longer.

I suppose if I get to that ah-ha moment I’ll post it here but so far I’m simply searching like everyone else for a way forward. 

Please don’t misinterpret this post to mean anything other than me simply sharing my search for a pathway forward.   For those in the earlier phase of your grief it probably means little at this point.  Believe me when I say I understand and I feel your pain, I know what it is like, Ive been there and still am.  I just can’t find myself and to continue living in quiet desperation is not an option for me to continue indefinitely with.

And why I write this here is because one of the things I found early on that helped is to write and talk about this stuff with those who share a similar fate and can understand or relate because they do share that similar fate, and I write and talk to those because it helps me feel better, sometimes and clears my thoughts.

Comment by George H on May 16, 2016 at 11:26pm

, hi everyone I'm still with you not posting but doing a lot of reading Mary has been gone a year and almost three months still seems like five minutes ago not much has changed with me still pretty much live in my room still pretty much stay away from people just wanted to let you all know I think about you I read your post and I still care for you all

Comment by Chum on May 16, 2016 at 7:38pm

Eleven months I've been reading this forum and feel like I've gotten to know you through your grief.  How weird is that.  Grieving is brutal and I had no idea whatsoever how different it is in reality.  That emptiness knowing you will never another conversation, joke, hip bump, with that one person you never had to explain yourself to.  Neither of us are from the country we made our lives in.  I have no family here, no children, just a couple of friends, and retired from work the year before he died.  As he became sicker we became isolated but were quite happy with it with our family of dogs and birds.  Two friends keep in contact, mostly texting, and I am so grateful for them. I go weeks without talking to anyone and mostly am okay with it though I can't imagine the rest of my life being this.  I've only dreamed about him Jordan a couple of times but never in the dream have we made eye contact or connected.  I would love for that to happen.  Just to know that he was truly there in my dreams.

I hope Linda is still here, reading at least.  Though her experience is very different to mine I want to hear everyone's experience. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2016 at 1:55am

After reading some of the posts and comments recently posted on this site which is called Online GRIEF SUPPORT, it seems that some people are being insensitive of those of us who are stricken and in deep mourning. While I understand that everyone has their own opinion and their own way of grieving, it does seem inappropriate to mock people who are grieving for their spouses and partners. As the title of this forum indicates, this forum is for supporting bereaved spouses and partners.

If some people find that widowhood is an adventure, something to enjoy, then more power to them, but perhaps they are posting on the wrong forum. There must be sites for widows and widowers who find their new life exciting and enjoyable, sites where they can meet like-minded other widows/widowers and date, start a new life. But for those of us who are in longterm mourning it seems that we are being mocked and that our grief is being belittled. I want to feel supported on my journey of grief on this site. I think that's what Jon-Paul Ackerman had in mind when he created this site/forum.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2016 at 1:35am

I am like rachel and morgan and many, many others on this forum for whom this existence after the death of our beloved spouse is absolutely brutally painful. It'll be two years on August 4th that my life as I knew it ended, the day Joseph passed away. He was the LOVE of MY LIFE and I will NEVER EVER be whole again. Sure I will go on surviving day by day, week by week, year by year, but I will never stop missing him, never stop longing for him, never stop pining away for him, darling husband who passed at age 49. I will always feel cheated on his behalf and mine. Nothing can take away that feeling of being wronged by the universe.

The only reason that I am still alive is that I cannot take my own life as horribly painful as this existence has been; I have siblings (no children or parents) who would be devastated if I took my own life. So as utterly horrific as this journey has been so far, I am still alive. Not because I want to be alive, but b/c I am unwilling to kill myself. The day when the end of my journey comes will be the happiest day of my life--I will go join my darling Joseph in the afterlife, and that will be for eternity.

My pain sometimes is so strong that I can hardly breathe, not to mention all the aches and pains that I have developed since Joseph's terminal diagnosis. And I know that for many of you it has been the same. For all those fellow mourners and grievers on this site, I send you my deepest empathy for the daily struggle that you face, and the pain that you have to contend with every single day, hour by hour. There's nothing else to say, no other way to comfort you. All I can is peace to you all!

Comment by Dail on May 15, 2016 at 1:08am

Jumbo,

Thank you for sharing. I'm on day 76 and miss her more every day. I have 2 boys at home 12 and 16. I'm worried their loss will ruin their childhood and I'm not sure how to preserve that for them.
I travel extensively with work and being away from the home Shay and I bought together doesn't ease the pain. I still forced to find a parking lot to pull over she the grief is to much to handle. Our home is a fixer upper. It was supposed to be our hobby together. I find my self working on projects every moment I'm home. Shay would harp on me to begin a house project then complain I didn't spend one with her when I did it. I wish she was here to drive me crazy. I wish she was here to see what projects I've done. Moving might work to ease your pain. As for me I'm miserable when I'm away working.

Comment by rachel_micele on May 15, 2016 at 12:16am

And I don't mean the new thread comment degrading. I'm half serious. More power to them. I understand they need a place to share but those of us posting on this thread are living a much different existence.

Comment by rachel_micele on May 15, 2016 at 12:06am

Thank you Joanna and morgan. You guys put into words what I wouldn't/don't have energy to formulate. Those like Steve or Stewart who, I feel, have genuinely struggled and can offer a perspective of hindsight or some kind of beacon in the nightmare, I appreciate very much. But those who come here bright eyed and bushy tailed on the heels of 1, maybe 2, months of grief like it's no big deal baffle me and I can't help either to feel incredibly insulted. I think about where I was in that time frame - processing suicide with my counselors! Maybe they should start a thread called newly grieved and ready, hell maybe even excited, for the "adventure". For at least the first handful of months I felt like this was a bad dream I couldn't wake up from. Adventure my ass, least not for me.

Comment by Jason on May 14, 2016 at 10:11pm

Not sure how this works I lost my wife on the 22nd of last month it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do we found out to late she had stage 4lung cancer it went to her bones fast so we decided to go home where I took care of her an had to watch the person I most loved decline so fast I couldn't believe it now I am left with the pain of just being alone my worst fear in life was to die alone I am 45 she was 50 we were all we had not sure how to keep going I am lost

Comment by Julie on May 12, 2016 at 8:29pm

Linda
I admire how you are dealing with your loss. My husband just passed today and I am determined to pursue my life and try to enjoy every day that I have until I am able to be with him again. The pain is strong and my heart is terribly broken. I know I will have ups and downs and some days I probably won't want to get out of bed but God does not want us to mourn forever. He wants us to be blessed and be grateful for everything He gave us on earth. We all deal with things our own way and I am already laughing with my husbands memories and showing my children that they don't need to feel guilty if they are having happy thoughts and having fun during their grief. Keep being positive and if you still post about your progress I would enjoy reading them. I am right behind you.

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