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Comment by Mary on June 11, 2016 at 10:32am

Mary Wolf. Sorry for your great loss. Thankyou for your inspirational message. I'm not quite there but I too hope to do more than exist I can't understand that yet but I hope I will. My husband was a wonderful guy and we had 35 years together. We were high school sweethearts. He brought so much love and joy into my world.

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 11, 2016 at 10:29am

Mary,

I read your letter and have to comment.  I got so tired of John's friends e-mailing or telling me to call anytime.  The few times I have called all have been busy....with their spouses.  Why can't these wonderful friends call me.  They will not interrupt anything.  I will always make the time to talk.  As you said, "six months later they (his friends and mine) are gone.  Not one person has invited me to dine with them or do anything, a movie, etc..  I have had one meeting at "Grief Sessions" and will go again next Monday.  It was a wonderful group and they think like I do.  This lets me know that I am NOT crazy.  As for my ring, I have no intention of removing it.  I honestly think these 'friends" of ours have no idea how rude and hurtful they are being.

Best to you and too all of us.  O.C.

Comment by Mary on June 10, 2016 at 10:47pm

Chum , Bluebird. My heartfelt sympathy for your loss. Everything you have said is how I feel. I can only seem to manage one thing a day. Leaving the house for groceries etc is overwhelming and I feel like I can't breathe. I never never realized what loosing a spouse, a soulmate, the one you share your day with Would be like and have such an impact. One can only imagine. I'm thinking that's why some of my friends and family say what they say...it gets easier, focus on happy moments, try and get out. They don't understand how just how hard it is to just start the day.
My prayers go out to all of you. This is a horrible part of life.

Comment by Chum on June 10, 2016 at 10:05pm

"When life was hard knowing that we were together made it better."

Mary's comment pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now.

Comment by bluebird on June 10, 2016 at 9:53pm

stewart,

I feel much the same as you do.  I don't try to find things to interest me, or make plans to do anything, as I don't want any of that. However, there are some things that I have to get done -- grocery shopping, laundry, going to work, stuff like that.  I don't want to do any of it, and have to work up to simple tasks like that for hours before I get out of bed or leave the house to do them. I can manage to do one such thing per day, or occasionally two.  It will always be like this for me, and it's no life. I don't want it.

Anyway, I don't think you're lazy or a flake or whatever; I think this kind of depression and lack of interest in life is a natural response to the deaths of our soulmates. Certainly you aren't alone in feeling as you do -- there are quite a few people on this site who feel much the same way.  So please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed or anything like that, because here we understand.

Comment by bluebird on June 10, 2016 at 9:48pm

Chum,

Thank you for understanding.  I really do feel that the circumstances make a difference (as do the individuals involved, of course).  Although 24 hours is not much time to say goodbye, either, at least it was something. I honestly don't know, though, if that would have helped me or not. I just know that the circumstances of my husband's death, as they were, made and will always make it all harder.  One good thing, at least, is that nothing important was left unsaid between us, including the "I love you" we said to each other at least a few times each day.  But yes, the shock of sudden death is horrible. For me, it makes the rest of my life surreal -- I literally cannot believe this is my "life".  Part of why I long for death is because this life, as it is now, is not real to me.  Most important, of course, is that my husband is not here with me, but my entire life is wrong now because of that. It's like being forced to "live" in a constant existential crisis which is set in a psychological horror film. 

I agree with you that age makes a difference too. I'm sure our husband's death is a horrible loss for you, but at least you did have those 40 years together first. My husband and I had just short of 13 years together. And him dying at age 40, literally one week after our wedding -- fuck that, and fuck any "god" who allows it, that's how I feel.

Anyway, I do thank you for your understanding. It is much appreciated.

Comment by Mary on June 10, 2016 at 9:42am

Stewert, I hear your pain and I share your pain. It's like you are just floating doing only what u have to. You don't really care. I feel that too. I rather just lay on the couch and do nothing. I have 2 children at home that I pretend to be strong for. My husband was taken from me unexpectedly 6 weeks ago. The pain is unbearable. I yearn for him , for the life I had, for our relationship. He is my best friend and soulmate. When life was hard knowing that we were together made it better. It's hard to get out of bed each morning. It's like a jab of pain when u wake up and remember my husband is not here

Comment by stewart p on June 10, 2016 at 7:44am

I sure do feel "lazy"often.  So many things I still would like to do, places to go, etc.  I have notes, goals, to do lists, pins on a map, schedules, and when it gets down to it at 9:30 am mon or 4 pm wed or whatever day of the week it is its like dragging a ball and chain through the front door if i ever even go.  I cant tell you how many people probably have determined by now in their own minds Im a flake or something worst.  But the thing is, while many of the things i actually set in plans to do when the time comes my enthusisam seems to vanish. And when I do force myself to actually follow through it turns out ok but i dont really care.  So many talk about finding some thing we are passionate about even, but i look all around and simply seem to lack much zeal for anything.  Now it could be just me or that i lost my wife simply has taken more than just my wife and judging from others i have spoken to i think its possible its the latter.  Jimbo mentioned a week to complete a job, I have several projects that i dont even complete anymore because frankly i just dont care anymore.  I do the shopping and stuff because i have two kids who still live with me and lately i tell myself i will do what i must for them and i do, believe though im looking forward to them soon to be own their own i feel, so when i want to i can spend the day under the covers if i want, and there are a lot of days i want to lately.  Whats strange for me its been 3 years now, of course this is sort of what the last couple of june 7 have been like, that's the day they whisked her away by ambulance. so maybe its just an annual thing, idk, its all very frustrating and discouraging sometimes, and of course most bothersome is i just really miss her alot every day. 

Comment by Chum on June 9, 2016 at 11:36pm

Bluebird. I think you are correct in that the circumstances of our loved ones death impacts our dealing with their death. I had 24 hours knowledge prior, and got to say goodbye. People here who woke up thinking it was another day then went to bed alone are dealing with an added trauma. The utter shock of sudden unexpected death. I know, we're that me, I would be angry at not being able to say goodbye. The loss would feel more abrupt. Age, I think makes a difference too. Married for 40 years, my husband died after having lived his three score and ten. 72 years is a decent age to live to. He was sick and suffering... Who wants to keep on living through that. Young people struck down suddenly...well, there is trauma there for the remaining person to weather.

Comment by Elynn m on June 9, 2016 at 10:41pm

I get lonely often  even though I have many friends around me

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