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Lost My Spouse...

Members: 364
Latest Activity: Jul 7

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on March 1, 2019 at 8:43am

Hi Bluebird,

It;s been six years for me too. I take 50MG of Elavil and still haven't really had a good's night sleep yet and don't think I ever will until I die,

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 27, 2019 at 2:18pm

Hello Joe,

Hope you are okay, and thanks for mentioning me in your message. As you so correctly point out, we are family here on this site; we care about each other, provide emotional support and try to lift up one another as best as we can. Had it not been for this site of likeminded people who have become like family, I would have not be able to keep my sanity and feel like that I am still connected.

I come to this site very often, especially if is there is a new post. Reading your thoughts and feelings and learning about your daily struggles to stay afloat brings me the strength and courage that I need to carry on each new day.

I think all of us on this forum is only all too familiar about how it feels to open your eyes first thing in the morning knowing that this is another new day that needs to be lived through, and to do it without meltdowns or extreme feelings of despair or pain. Each of us make our journey through the day (reminds me of the title of the play "Long Day's Journey into Night") without the love of our life next to us as best as we can. But Joseph is always next to me, he lives inside of me, and I feel his guiding presence as I negotiate my day, my week, and my pointless life through this harrowing solo journey that I have been placed on against my will.

What I find most painful now is that I have to continue to live in this horrible world that is full of hate and torn by suffering, poverty, and war. It's all so very ugly, and I am having to go on living without my darling Joseph! My life with Joseph was filled with light, love, positivity, and goodwill. It was so wonderful! But now wherever I look, on TV, on social media, it seems that people thrive on hate and negativity. How horrible it all is!

But thank goodness for you all, who take the time to come here to commiserate and bring comfort to the family we have built here. When I visit this forum, at least for a few minutes I can ignore the ugliness that is out there because it tells me that there are still good people out there. Thank you, one and all, for trying to make life a little more tolerable for us and a little less despondent by sharing your thoughts and feelings, by reaching out to us and giving us a community to come to in our time of need. Thank you!

Be well, all of you. Peace and hugs, Trina

Comment by bluebird on February 26, 2019 at 8:14pm
I've taken two Benadryl almost every night since my husband died over six years ago, except for the extra-bad nights, when I've taken a sleeping pill instead. I still get shitty sleep -- I wake up often, wake up early, and am never rested -- but at least I'm able to get some sleep that way.
Comment by Elynn m on February 26, 2019 at 6:04pm

I miss my JOE today, as I often do.   He was always the strength of our marriage.   He was God's gift to me.   I was blessed to have Joe as "the love of my life" for 41 years, then Jesus took him home.  Yes, I am sad, lonely, miss him,....and always wish that I would have died first, but that wasn't God's plan.   Everyone has a purpose and is special in God's eyes.    The sooner I fulfill that purpose, the sooner I get to go home!!!   ( I'll only know what God wants me to do by staying close to Him.)

Comment by Monty on February 26, 2019 at 4:55pm

thanks Joe

ill give it a go

Comment by Monty on February 26, 2019 at 4:27pm

Hi all

I've not checked in recently for a bit as its been very busy here.

work has been full on which means any energy reserves I have are fully utilised just taking care of the kids, let alone trying to maintain the house.

life has been fully exhausting me each and every day, its a constant reminder how much I used to rely on Carol to help me with doing the little things (as much as she could).

I feel I'm in desperate need of a full nights sleep.  I manage to get 1 or 2 a month, likely due to total exhaustion.

unfortunately, exhaustion is leading to the inevitable mistake here and there.

which in turn takes more time and energy to rectify.  once again leading me further down the hole.

if it wasn't for my father and mother in law coming and helping look after the kids once a month or so, I think I would be a total basket case.

I'm sorry to bitch and moan about how hard life feels atm. I know we are all facing our own private challenges. 

id like to thanks everyone here for putting up with my rants.

and hope everyone has as great a day as they can.

Regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 26, 2019 at 5:49am

Hi Morgan,

I wish I could put into words how I feel, but you do it for me. I have given up trying to share my thoughts and feelings with Family or Friends. I go through this crummy world of ours in a daze. I now keep to myself and my sweet dog, Babie J. she is the strength in my life. She is now nearing the rainbow bridge. When I lose her I will lose myself someplace on this planet.   

Comment by morgan on February 25, 2019 at 10:43pm

PART 2--I’m still so very confused about how what I thought I had was so temporary.  He’s gone, he made some not so good choices and his body failed him at 63.  I’ve debated more times than I would like to admit doing something that would lead me to the same outcome.  It’s not courage.  It’s not pain. I’m not sure there is even a reason.  But I still breathe.  And because I breathe I need to make enough money to stay warm, hopefully in a house, and eat when I feel the urge.  I continue to push myself in what society deems as an acceptable, normal manner and it is a daily struggle. Daily.  
Death is a whole separate level of dealing with life’s adversities and I can only assume we are here to meet the person we were born to be…..our inner selves  Some of us want to meet our inner selves more than others.  I believe we can only do so as much as our brains will allow us to do, and for each of us that is an individual daily struggle.  I’ve met my match shaking hands with death.  It’s been the worst time in my life. Struggling to participate in a universe that I don’t live in anymore but I’ve tried. …. tried to find my inner self.   My success is only seen by me.  I am, my only judge, jury and executioner. 

Life is not the bowl of cherries we expound in our most positive moments.  It is picking our way through the pits, the pitfalls, and taking a deep breath when you find a cherry.  Cherries change though.  Fuckin cherries don’t all grow the same.  Some can be bitter.  Or rotten.  Or full of bugs.

All of this is just to say that I am sorry.  I am sorry about how life treats us.  What the hell is the universe trying to accomplish throwing us into a stinkin bowl of cherries knowing full well what is in there.  I’m tired, exhausted actually.  I keep swimming against the tsunami of stinkin cherries.  I don’t feel much love.  No pill, no pot, nothing can give me back what I had.  But I still stand.  And, I guess, for as long as I do, I need to do what I can to seek out the least bitter cherry I can manage the energy to eat. 

It’s a fucked up world. My beloved knew it when he was alive and I am assuming he is still trying to keep me from the worst of it even while leaving me alone to have to face it myself.  I’m doing the best I know how and can.  I’m trying not to let it beat me to a pulp.  It hasn’t been easy.  In fact, this has probably been the hardest time in my life that I have had to beat anything back and not succumb.  You find out where the support in your life truly comes from, within and without.

Take a look at your life.  What is important.  Really important.  (a loaded word).  The brain is full of tricks and subterfuge.  Dig.  Dig deep.  Clear the clutter.  Stop the pretension.  I have found the smallest teeniest light to help me in building the rainbow that Greg left me with.  I haven’t given in yet.  But if you are reading this and not getting some kind of revelation then his death for me is in vain.  Do it for yourselves.  That’s all I ask.  Spend more time with the important stuff and less with the crap.

Today I grieve heavily.  Tomorrow I may very well grieve just the same, as my personal burden of loss seems overwhelmingly heavy.  But I wish upon the very same stars from which we came that somehow, some way each of us channels more of the energy of light not of darkness.  Me too.  I know that as much as what I perceive my own value to be nothing without HIM, I am still a light that appears in the sky.  The most I can say is I keep trying to shine as brightly as I can.  For that I deserve credit and I will take it for what it is worth as it is only upon myself for which I build the rainbow.

Comment by morgan on February 25, 2019 at 10:41pm

PART 1--I was going through old emails and ran across the following that I wrote  to some of my friends and family three years ago on the death date of my beloved, Jan 21 2016.    It reminds me of how hard this has all been and how I struggle to still find something/ anything that helps. I will split it into two posts because it is too long.  I hope maybe it will give an idea of how hard this still is.
Part 1:
I sit here today reflecting…….my brain in overdrive thinking, thinking about loss.

How devastatingly incomprehensible is loss.  For to have loss we must have had attachment. But then isn’t that what we are supposed to do?  Have attachment?

We have it for every good and bad thing in our life.  We attach, each of us choose certain things to attach to.  It could be something as important as family and friends or something as inconsequential as jewelry and nice clothes.  But we attach or shall I say we ascribe significance to it. 

Think of the possibilities in every day we have the choice of attaching to.  Food.  A means of transportation.  Another person.  Work.  Sport. Even less visceral more surreal positions of mind like justice or equality or religion.  But we attach to them.  Even down to the vibration of a note, we attach a lot of signficance sometime to a certain type of music. 

So where am I going with this?   What’s my point?

I think it comes back round to a day three years ago today that I lost everything.  To me, my beloved was everything.  Never having had children I poured everything I had into one something.  Him. Our home was nice and comforting but I have since come to understand that it’s not about location.  It’s only a house until there are people who occupy it with love and then it is a home.  Family, good friends.   We can drive in a fancy car, talk on a smarter-than-us phone and work ourselves to exhaustion but it is only significant when we finally attach to those who love us.  Family, friends.  Those who we love are always at the end point of that line of “getting there” of attachment. 

It’s why loss is so profound.  I can’t know if having had children would have made this three year journey any different.  Less exhausting.   I do know I have felt that no matter what others may have tried to do for me I still felt abandoned.  As though there is nothing in my life that will fill the gap.  A huge void.  I have tried valiantly to fill it.  I lost a 24/7 connection to the one thing I had built my life on.  With as many good choices as I can draw upon now I have limited energy to do so.  I use retail therapy as my bulwark.  I have rehabbed a couple homes with my guardian angel’s help and I have provided myself more time to push myself away from loss.  And I have not made all good choices.  I have pushed most people away.  I have practiced self harm in the form of starving myself.  Those are the “not so good choices.”  I have no faith so I have turned to the universe and studied all I can understand about the mechanics of how we have come to be here on this small blue dot.  How our brains seemingly make decisions without any real influence from within at times.  How we live this life out in a schematic of such a large, grand, finely tuned design.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 24, 2019 at 3:14pm

Hi Joe,

Even though there are 364 members, the only ones who post are like you and I plus a few others. We cannot find a purpose for living. I do feel that the folks who do post lost their true soulmate in life.

 

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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I would rather cry on the outside than on the inside. Crying on the outside is a release. I am really tired of being sad. I'm also tired of being scared. Life without my mom still seems like a scary proposition. All we can do is to continue to…"
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Brett Bowman replied to Lynn Fisher's discussion New here in the group I miss my Mom!
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"Thank you so much for your kind words.  It means a lot to me that you would take the time to bring me some peace, which you have."
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Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All,  Hope everybody doing good. My daughter is growing up and keeps me busy but any day I sit and feel guilty of not serving my mother, I feel like crying. She should have enjoyed so much with her grand daughter but destiny had some other…"
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Linda Engberg and M Adams are now friends
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Linda Engberg commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Hi M Adams, Thank you for your kindness. Each year on his birthday I plant a tree or bush in his memory. Yesterday I bought this plague for my garden."
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M Adams commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Linda, hope your day is uplifted by beautiful memories of celebrations you shared with Julian.  Do you have any special ritual or observance for his birthday?  Acknowledging such days is challenging for me, yet I do want to honour them.…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Today is Julian's birthday. I miss him so much Thanks for your post Morgan. You put into words what I have a hard time expressing."
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morgan commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Michael,   Wish I had an answer to: "just how are we Widows and Widowers supposed to pick up the pieces. ? I am battling my emotions every day, the mood swings are awful.." I am not sure if I am really picking up the pieces.…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"JO, I read this each morning but it does not help. I just struggle through each day."
Jul 9
Michelle replied to Brett Bowman's discussion Are We Alone?
"I was in the exact situation. But I was the one who offered help. But everything I did was wrong to my sister. And I stopped because of that. Your post made me see her side of it. My mom died this year. My sister only cuses me out. She won't…"
Jul 9
M Adams commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Michael, just wondered if you would ever be interested in something like a book club?  A friend of mine who is a widow joined one recently and getting together with people to talk about what they’ve all read seems to be helping her, not…"
Jul 8
dream moon JO B commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"yep linda senetty of prey  i get or a versee i herd it a funrell im in nxt room waitin for u or god willget room reddy fro u  to day had bit of wobllcry to day but neededd to cry "
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Linda Engberg commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Michael, After 7 years I still remain lost and I know I will be until my Husband and I are together once again. As in the Serenity Prayer, God can not grant me serenity to accept things I cannot change. I just try to live each day."
Jul 8
Michael Thompson commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
" I am at my wits end with loneliness.  Losing my wife in 2014 has taken away a certain confidence, and this happens to those left behind. Being married is much more than a ring, it is a friend, and companion, someone who knows you better…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John So sorry about your Sister. I myself spent the 4th with my sweet dog Babie J. I prefer her company to humans. She does not judge me she just loves me for what I am.  I too believe that death does not do us part. We we love each other until…"
Jul 7

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