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Comment by stewart p on January 23, 2017 at 9:40am

Michael & John,  you guys both describe almost to a tee where and how i find myself feeling most days.  And john, double tough man im sorry for your pain, I watched the parameds do cpr, cant imagine if it had been me how that what feel as bad as i am today now. Im counting down to a big 4 years, and while ive "adjusted" or learned to "cope" I continually find it exceedingly difficult to put 2 or 3 days of consistent positive action together and move forward without asking myself 'whats the point', and frankly really not giving all that much of a damn whether i do something or not, from fixing the leaking roof to going to work to paying the water bill, or whatever. In fact most of those things are just an annoyance now any longer it seems and ive even thought of selling everything and just living in my car or somewhere real simple.  Ive gone out and joined networks, met nice women, applied for several jobs and around the 1st or 2nd day/date i just quit, leave, throw in the towel, flake out.  Im better about it now because i use to just avoid them, now i tell them im sorry and this is why and thanks for their time but i feel ike im broken and i keep trying but when its time for the rubber to meet the road i still find myself bowing out preferring to be all alone in a quiet space.   They are all nice people, I would of been grateful once upon a time to make their acquaintance, but now it always comes back to how i just want to be home alone in a dark corner of the house and just not do anything.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 22, 2017 at 7:10am

Hi Jay,

Welcome to our group, we are not here to judge we are here to help one another.

Gob Bless, Linda

Comment by Jay Zimmermann on January 21, 2017 at 7:05pm

Thank you for responding.  Love is love no matter the shade of the rainbow.  I do hope to be able to get some help here.  What I have read in some of the articles and such has been great.  Thank you for your support.

Comment by John T. on January 21, 2017 at 6:23pm

I think bluebird is right.  I seem to remember a couple of people who lost same-sex soulmates posting here within the last year or so ago.  You may find, Jay,  the feelings expressed here by those who lost their spouse are much the same as your own.  I hope this group can be of some help.

Comment by bluebird on January 21, 2017 at 6:11pm

Jay,

I think there have been one or two people here who have lost a same-sex partner....not anyone that I've seen post regularly, though. 

Regardless -- same sex or opposite sex, it's all the same love and then the same pain when they die.  I'm truly sorry you are in this horrible situation too.

Comment by Michael on January 21, 2017 at 5:13pm

Jay
I haven't seen any posts from same-sex partners but im sure the feelings are the same. Everybody in this miserable boat is the sane.

Comment by Jay Zimmermann on January 21, 2017 at 4:14pm

Has anyone in this forum lost a same sex partner?  I lost my husband of a year and a half after we had been together over 31 years.  I am still in shock.  He passed away suddenly in October of 2016.  I was the one who found him at home, after I had been out shopping.

Comment by Kevin Bailey on January 21, 2017 at 3:29pm

Amen Linda, take care

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 21, 2017 at 2:28pm

To all my wonderful friends on this site, I am sick of people saying I feel sorry for myself, they are wrong, hope this post helps 

Comment by John T. on January 21, 2017 at 10:55am

Michael, it isn't that you're crazy.  It's hard to get motivated to do anything because it's hard to see the point in doing anything.  I've had a terrible time getting myself to do anything other than what I absolutely have to.  I was diagnosed by my doctor and a psychiatrist with PTSD because my wife died as I was doing CPR.  I watched the light go out of her eyes and it's an image I think of every single day.  Thank God it was painless and peaceful for her.  For me, it felt like my guts were ripped out and randomly stuffed back in.  Even remembering now how awful the experience was makes me physically hurt inside.  It's over two years now and I function better than I did.  For over a year, it seemed to be an effort just to breathe.  I never felt so alone.  The realization that the one person I could turn to for comfort was gone affected me so profoundly I can't describe how it felt.  Coping is easier now but doing things I once enjoyed is still beyond my reach.  Take care of yourselves, everyone.

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