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Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 31, 2015 at 4:09pm

I liked this thought from Joe Biden.  In a 2012 speech to military families who had lost a loved one, Biden talks about the constant weight of grief. "Just when you think, ‘Maybe I’m going to make it,’ you’re riding down the road and you pass a field, and you see a flower and it reminds you. Or you hear a tune on the radio. Or you just look up in the night. You know, you think, ‘Maybe I’m not going to make it, man.' Because you feel at that moment the way you felt the day you got the news."

He goes on to say that grief eventually, makes room for other things.

"There will come a day – I promise you, and your parents as well – when the thought of your son or daughter, or your husband or wife, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye," Biden says. "It will happen."

I am sure the loss of his son now has brought up all the raw emotion of when he lost his wife and daughter.  I can't imagine the pain he must be feeling.  But I would bet that he cherishes every minute of the forty-six years he had with his son.  That is how I feel about Paul. 

Comment by Dianne M. on May 31, 2015 at 4:01pm

Linda my husbands urn is on top of the entertainment center. I like it there. I talk to him too.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 31, 2015 at 3:57pm

We each respond to grief differently.  I went to lunch with the Widows and Widowers meet up group I have joined and one of the members commented that she couldn't bear to have her husband's urn where she would be constantly looking at it.  I am just the opposite.  I can't bear to put my husband's urn in a cabinet.  Paul and I always watched tv together after I got home from work and made dinner and I like having his urn where I can look across at it while watching tv.  It makes me feel like he is still with me.

Comment by morgan on May 31, 2015 at 1:17pm

Anything but to have to face another day.

And please, Linda, I don't always find the right words to explain how I feel.  I know it wasn't what you "told" yourself.  Each of us find ways to manage our grief and not one of them is easier or better than another. I just feel like you have found a way to manage yours better than I.  I can't wrap my head around my husbands death no matter what I tell myself.  That's more the point.  Not that you are "telling" yourself.  I am glad someone can find a way through this.  

In one way I wish I could find it easier to bear and honestly in another way I just have given up.  I don't want to live without the man who made me tick.  To face day after day attempting to find something that makes me want to stay on this earth has been futile.  I can not write that I have hope for a better future because I don't want the hope or the future.  If that is depression then sign me up.  I don't think it is because I can still see life in all its shades.  I just don't want to do it alone and there will never be another person that could nor would I want to try to live with someone else as my companion.  Somehow that would be like trying to keep forcing a square peg in a round hole.  

I feel a lot more like Tildyc only I am a lot longer down the line. And even with the small amount of reprieve I get on a daily basis that definitely time has given me my heart and soul are still chained to the ball that is my constant reminder.  His essence so permeated me.  I don't know how it is possible for another person to have made such an impact on my thinking.  I go through an existential crisis every day and having read even book on the subject the end suggestion is always the same.  Seek professional help.

And if I am a professional?

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 31, 2015 at 8:25am

I don't think it is what I have been able to tell myself but instead what my expectations were.  I married Paul knowing I would likely lose him at some point and made sure I had a life outside of my life with him.  It doesn't make the loss any less painful but it does make it easier to bear.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 31, 2015 at 5:21am

Tildyc, Dianne, m morgan, John T, and Richard,

Your latest posts filled me with deep sadness. We are inconsolable in our loss. I only hope that over time, maybe five or six years down the line, we can reach a place in life where the good memories will also bring a smile and brighten our day and not only bitter tears and despondency. This is my prayer for myself and for the rest of you.

Tildyc, sorry that you had such a bad experience today. Hang in there.

Comment by Tildyc on May 31, 2015 at 3:26am

There is no place safe. There is no escape from this soul eating reality. No matter where I go.... it's always going to be- without him. I feel so effin helpless and defenseless in this emptiness. Completely without a compass in this uncertain life. I feel so GD vulnerable to whatever fate decides to kick me in the stomach with next- whenever it wants. My gawd- I've become so ineffective and feel like a sitting duck. It's unsettling and I hate how pathetic I've become. I truly had no clue how bad this would get when I was living as one of the un-effected. There's just not enough words in my limited vocabulary to ever explain how truly BAD this loss is. It's completely ruined my life.

Comment by Tildyc on May 31, 2015 at 2:42am

The vet bill is going to be astronomical. :(

Comment by Tildyc on May 31, 2015 at 2:38am

I'm not ok.

Today, while visiting the cabin, my 2 dogs went after a porcupine. I didn't realize they had until they came out of the bushes. It was horrific, terrifying and extremely disturbing to see there faces and heads so completely masked with all those black quills. They where damn near unrecognizable. I was alone and we had a 1 1/2 mile hike through the woods to get back to the logging road to where my truck was parked. There is no phone service available and then there is the 20 mile drive to town to the vets. The entire time my poor babies kept pawing frantically at their faces and rubbing their heads on the ground. Which only made the quills go deeper and caused them to bleed more. I was trying so hard to just hold it together for their sake. I really didn't have a choice though, I had to in order to save them. It was terrible. And I'm not trying to upset anyone here with the graphic details or be over dramatic. Its is just that I had to deal with all of this without Mark. I NEEDED his help so very very desperately. And I most definitely don't want to tell anyone else because it's now after the fact and they wouldn't be able to help now anyways. It would just bring well meaning but unwanted visitors to my door.

Many hours later after this ordeal, when the dogs and I where finally back home, I freakin lost it. Began crying uncontrollably. Really haven't stopped. Yes- I'm traumatized from today's events. But here's the thing- if Mark would of been there with me- I wouldn't be so completely blown away from this ordeal. I would still be very upset of course but, with Mark here- I wouldn't be shaking and shutting down like I am now. This kind of shit happens where I live- it's a wild and untamed land. I grew up here and I know of these things. Yet- not only do these dogs mean so much more because they where "our kids." But it's also a strong and powerful reminder exactly how alone I am now. Without Mark- every problem has become so debilitating. Which brings to my attention how hard life's losses and trials are going to be for me as time brutally and mindlessly marches on.

So I'm crying and talking to his picture tonight. Which I do often... Begging him to find some way to come help me and comfort me. Or to just please please set me free and release me from this pain and let me pass on to where ever he has disappeared to.

Comment by morgan on May 30, 2015 at 8:29pm

Trina- I remember when I moved from our home in FL 1700 miles away into my sisters lake cabin at the eighth month mark.  Disorientation was horrendous.  I simply crawled into bed and stayed there.  then I tried relocating to Hawaii, three months later I returned to the cabin and crawled back into bed.  I realized location was just another place to endure the separation from my beloved. It didn't matter where I was because my existence like yours has been unalterably changed.  It's only a matter of degrees as to how much we can reconstruct.  Mine is pretty minimal because I don't want to.  You have to find a reason to want to and hopefully you will find that.

 For example it seems Linda has been able to and I think that is great (for her).  It is what she is able to tell herself of the reasons she can go on.  Some people can do it as they still find life a place they want to be.  I think it is great for those who can find other things where they can find value, joy, happiness.  Some people have children, some have grandchildren, others have a faith where they can believe in some sort of other worldly dominion.  All good places to find reason.  

My reason for 35 years was my husband. I made some friends some of whom I can call on for periodic support but there is nothing or no one that can now be there for me the way I need it.  I am alone.  Life is just one big empty place that I am supposed to move around in and react like I used to.  Just like your analogy Dianne, I  am supposed to get in the ocean and not get wet.  Perfect. Or what you said John, for as long as I have been distracting myself I have yet to to feel any difference once I am done distracting.  

As time passes this "managing" a reconstructed life is called getting better. For me I have tried and tried to distract myself, but as all of you mentioned, just about everything leads back to the one person who we loved.  And yes, the frequency backs off but there is nothing that dims the intensity of what that love was.  

One final note, I had written a note to my husbands internist who had treated him for his diabetes and put him on a pump a month before he went into the hospital.  We thought he was trying to do something to help my husband so I thought a note to him was appropriate after my husband died. .  He responded with a letter of condolence and how he remembered their times at academy.  Problem is my husband never went to his academy. How dare he be so callous that he couldn't even look far enough into the file to see what his relationship to my husband was. Medicine is just a revolving door.  It makes lots of money and the people who try to help are underpaid.  When I get sick I am going to go fast.  No one is going to get a chance to benefit.  

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