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Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on July 16, 2015 at 5:42pm

I haven't posted in a while, but have been reading every day.  I find the spamming annoying also and have sent a message through here:

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/main/index/report#

Comment by morgan on July 16, 2015 at 5:31pm

I feel the same way John.  I visit several sites daily and this is the one where  I feel I can really let my hair down and so does everyone else. Its cathartic.  I also don't want to lose this home base but I am really sick of the spamming.  I wish there was a way to communicate to the "owners".  Any ideas anyone?? DO we all need to email one person and let them know?  Anyone know who that one person should be??

Also the guy who left was Mark and he went over to the Alliance for Hope site which is pretty much for those left behind from suicide.  I go and read there once in awhile.  Little different situation and different set up.  You can search for him…Markk.  He wants resolution (as we all do) from responses and we all want that.  I think here we are a little slower but the heartfelt feelings are always here.  I am grateful for each of you.  I keep trying to keep going and I know I am in a different phase of this grief than others just because of the time difference but I am hung from a tree (figuratively) because I have not yet been able to divest myself of what I keep thinking should be ending but isn't.  And it's not for lack of trying, intelligence and support from here.  This is just the hardest damn thing that has ever happened to me and I don't see an end to it ever.  Changes yes, but ending…….

Comment by morgan on July 16, 2015 at 4:19pm

I'm so tired of just crawling along.  It's changed about all its probably going to change and it is still beating the shit out of me.  I am so tired. I try so hard to give myself upbeat ticklers using science or just distractions but the world sucks.  It sucks everywhere I look.  I'm tired of trying to combat it alone and no one is going to help me.  Another one of those horrible bad times that after this long in grief is beginning to make me wonder just how long I can continue to endure.  

I'm also tired of seeing the spammers on this site and it is pretty obvious that no one is tending the store anymore.  Does anyone know of a site where we can do the same as we have done here?  It seems that the rumor the site has been "sold" or whatever has happened as the spamming has gotten out of hand.  I cant take that anymore either.  It's just hard to ignore the despicable spirit infesting a site where people are grieving.  If I could get my hands on them…….

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 14, 2015 at 5:04pm

m morgan and John,

Your posts are thought-provoking and brought a ray of hope. m morgan, you so clearly put forward the proposition that there are endless possibilities in the universe of which we humans are only aware of a fraction, like a goldfish in a bowl who thinks that the world encompasses the glass bowl that it lives in.

And John, I resonate with your thoughts about religions -- that all of them affirm that there is life after death. It varies from religion to religion how that life exists, in what form, but all religions agree that life does't end at death. In my darkest hour, I asked my sister if there truly is life after death, and my sister told me that religions that have existed for many, many thousand of years and ancient Greek philosophy and civilization that flourished thousand and thousand of years ago all affirm the there is life after death. I found consolation at those words that day soon after Joseph's passing.

I have mentioned this before, I feel Joseph's presence around me all the time. Of course, it's not a physical presence, it's a very definite spiritual presence, it's unshakable and ever present. 

Lately I have been engrossed in a photo framing project, amassing and collecting photos of Joseph with me, his many family members, friends, and students. I put up several frames all over our living room and dining room (I already have pictures of Joseph and of us in our bedroom). The photos show the fulness of Joseph's short life. I found it very calming spending time on this precious project, and now that I have the frames up, Joseph's presence fills the rooms even more.

I can never hold Joseph in my arms again, I can never talk to him again, he will never kiss me, laugh at my jokes, tease me, or tell me that he loves me. But I am surrounded by his presence and that eases the excruciating pain and despondency somewhat. I keep telling Joseph that I feel like a passenger at a railway station waiting for the train to come, but the train doesn't come. I am that passenger who waits while the world goes by, waiting for my train to go join Joseph. The train will come one day, it's not an if, it's a question of when. Over time I will have to adjust to this void and loneliness that is the reality of my life now after Joseph's passing. I wait for the day when I will be reunited with the love of my life. How long? How much patience will I need for that?

Comment by Tildyc on July 14, 2015 at 1:16pm

m morgan- once again you've bolstered a very small spark of possibility in my heart. Your comments here are words for thought for a soul that is "starving" for hope.

There are times that I feel him around me. But it's just not enough for me I'm afraid. When I'm crying out his name and begging for help- all I hear is the relentless and indifferent silence. It's in those times I'm unable to pull back from the darkness and remind myself of the possibilities....of which you speak.

In time, I'm hoping I will be able to do so. To be strong enough to stop myself when I start to take that first step down into the oblivion and consuming greif. Thank you again m morgan.

Comment by morgan on July 13, 2015 at 2:27pm

PART 2  

Trust me when I say it is hard for me to wrap my head around it and I am doubting Thomas so much of my day because I long for the energy of my husband in the flesh.  I want him to be here so badly I can taste it.  So every day for the past two and half years I have had to force myself to get through another day, most days are superfluous.  Meaningless.  But I breathe.  Unfortunately I breathe so I need to give myself some kind of explanation in order not to end it. Because the one other part of me (that seems ridiculous on its face) tells me if I end it I may not have that chance to reunite so I deal with the pain.  I am sad, I don't want to interact with people and when I do I realize how different I feel than they do but then I need to tell myself that until the biology waves give up I have to pay bills. And we know what that requires. 

Thankfully I can come here and type out my feelings and everyone here gets it because we are all living in the universe that ties us together with each other when we never would have known each other at all except in this universe we now occupy it has death of love written into its code.  Am I crazy?  Maybe. But it's ok.  I cant believe some personification of spirit with supernatural powers did this so i need to expand my thinking and include that which is being proven in pictures and written in formulas and code.  And the wholeness of it is so huge I need to reach out and try to convince myself that the small window of it I see could be just like that goldfish in the bowl.  It's all it knows but the rest of the space surrounding the bowl is immense and at some point I too will be delivered from this small window to a much larger space in time.  Until then I wish us all some decent hours of peace and energy that soon delivers us from our pain.

 

Comment by morgan on July 13, 2015 at 2:26pm

PART 1 Trina & Tildyc,

As sorrowful as my own posts always are I can assure you that the feelings you are experiencing right now will change.  Time will change them.  

The power of the death of love is extreme.  Nothing compares. We have unfortunately been exposed to that power.  And we are insignificant in being able to control it.  We had experienced the greatness of it.  It's presence in our reality.  Now, each day we wake up to a whole different universe.   It has a lot of the same looks as the old universe but none of the same feeling.  The vibrations of the kind of energy we depended upon have disappeared.  That energy did not leak into this new universe we wake up to.  It no longer can produce the same vibrations here.  So just like a newly born infant we are forced to find ways to adjust to this new energy field.  

Think about it.  Don't you wonder why you don't remember a thing about the very early years of life.  It's been blocked from our memory bank.  Why? Well, I can only guess at it but having been forced through a black hole coming from a womb of floating energy into a space filled with noise and air and all the things an infant needs to adjust to I am sure the protective barrier of not remembering was a good thing.  But now, of an age,  we are cognizant of that same kind of trauma only in reverse.  As much of a barrier as we are allowed (by what standard we don't know) to protect us from our own harm now is as much as we get.  We are forced to remember the old and adjust to a new energy field.  

The brutal rawness of this adjustment to a new energy field is debilitating.  It pounds us within inches of our own death.  We would rather die than have to deal with this pain of adjustment.  Yet for whatever reason our own biology, the result of the vibrations of energy clumping together and forming matter, is not yet unwilling to vibrate in a way that allows that change.  

There has to be a primal fundamental field of vibrational wave energy that is operating at a level for which we have no concrete proof but which brings us into being and takes us away.  The whys are as big an unknown as the where but the possibilities are endless. Something much much larger is in operation and I don't mean some magic wand.  

Study just a fraction of what the Hubble telescope has discovered or listen to the videos of Brian Greene or if you missed it the 13 episodes of "Cosmos" are on Netflix.  We are such a small tiny part of the evolution of the universe and it could be we are only experiencing a single snapshot in slow motion.  Maybe the energy we shared with our husbands we still share, only it is separated by the same kind of veil dropped over an infant when it is born.  

Comment by Tildyc on July 12, 2015 at 9:24pm

Trina- I have been sitting here thinking the very same thoughts. The days turning to years.

These last 5+ months have been as if I've been thrown off the ship during a huge storm and have been struggling just to keep my head above water. But I do not drown and yet I cannot escape this torture and constant clawing for the surface. Every single effin day is a complete struggle. It takes all of whatever little energy I have and then some. It's exhausting. I'm so overwhelmingly consumed by this depression and feel so hopeless- it's all I can do but to sit in my chair and sink deep, deep, DEEP into despondency. This lack of any expectation of ever being free again feels like a giant granite boulder is sitting on me and crushing me. For me- I honestly know there is no escape from this shit future I am now faced with. My God- how eternally empty it is.

Everyday I look out my window and remind myself that this green landscape I see now will become so very dark and cold in a few months. Perhaps covered in snow or just in ugly gray slush. And then I see in my minds eye, the pitiful shell I will be by then. Still sitting in my chair- still staring at his pictures and his slippers. Still crying and mourning Mark. And that's only in months.... What kind of shadow of a human being will I be after the years pass? Year after lifeless year without him. No- This- is too much to ask of me. I am forever broken and my life is now only a burden which I am forced to bear. And always will be-until the day I finally die.

I hate this.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 12, 2015 at 6:20pm

I haven't posted in a while, but I read everyone's posts. The pain and sorrow that we all share here is so heartbreaking and there is no remedy for broken hearts. There is no pill or medication that we can take or a balm we can put that that will ease our daily, unrelenting pain and the feeling of utter loneliness and the deep sense of lack of purpose we face every single day. 

Joseph's first anniversary of death is fast approaching. Like AnneJ, the acute stab of pain that I felt for 9-10 months has abated; I am no longer brought to my knees crying and weeping several times a day; that sharp stab of pain has been replaced by quiet tears that just flow as a memory is triggered, or I hear a song, I see a photo, or see Joseph's belongings and that happens very often. The screaming, animal-like crying has subsided, what I am left with now is DEEP, DEEP sadness and the devastating awareness that for the remainder of my life I will be enveloped in this cloud of sorrow and gloom because Joseph's loss is irreparable.

The years will pass as the days pass now, but all I will have as my companion is my unquenched desire to be with Joseph again, to talk to him, to hold him, to see his smile. The thought that I have been condemned to this cruel life sentence that I will have to bear for maybe another 20-30 years is too overwhelming. Why do I have to live this life that lacks joy, meaning, and purpose? Why am I left behind to mourn the untimely death of the love of my life? Why can't I be taken too? Why can't I be set free? Many why's, but so few answers...

Comment by nicole irving on July 10, 2015 at 4:16am

omg sitting here reading what everyone has written, sadly realising that i know how each and everyone of you are feeling. my heart goes out to you all, hopefully at some stage of our lives we will find at least a little peace in ourselves

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