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Comment by bluebird on September 9, 2015 at 10:09pm

"They just cant believe we don't want to live."

That's exactly right, morgan. 

I hope your pet is ok.

Comment by morgan on September 9, 2015 at 9:50pm

I had a nuclear meltdown at the vets urgent care on Monday and said  exactly what you are saying Tildyc and Bluebird. I said that to the practitioners and they called the cops because of what I said. The cops were ready to Baker Act me. 

No one but us knows why we want to end our lives and when we say so they are ready to lock us up.  I am so tired of trying to get people to really understand what this is like.  They just cant believe we don't want to live.  

Comment by bluebird on September 9, 2015 at 8:22pm

Tildy,

I feel EXACTLY as you do. 

I hope we get what we want.

Comment by Tildyc on September 9, 2015 at 12:15am

This loss, this pain- is all I am now. It truly defines me. It never relents or lets me rest. It has erased all that I used to be. I was confident, loved, hopeful, a very joyful and happy soul. Completely secure in the fact that I was loved and my future was perhaps not perfect but- totally secure with my Mark. We knew we could handle anything as long as we had each other. I was very content and loved life. Now- I'm scared to death of the up coming days, months and endless, never ending years that I am forced to face alone. All I want is for my life to end. Immediately. I do not want any part of what the endless and empty years hold ahead for me.

I only want to be free and with him.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 8, 2015 at 11:31pm

So many hugs to you Nancy. If you happen to remember, my 6 month date will be Thursday, the day after yours. I'm sorry memories of your husband at the end get tangled with the good times. Those good moments are something I've clinged to, even though they are equally painful as I miss him so much and am so broken for the good moments we had planned that I never got. And now are forever lost. 

I can relate to seeing/hearing others able to be with their love. I still can't watch any happy couple on tv, movies, or in person. One of my cousins got married a couple weekends ago and I did not go. I would of been beyond miserable and I was not/could not put myself through that. The tv show Catfish is pretty regular on my tv ... 

I also don't know if I can open myself to love again knowing how, and most likely will since statistics aren't even in our favor as women, it ends. But to be so young at 35, I've got such a fucking long time left. 

I just got back home from a grief group. It was good, much better for me than the griefshare group I tried last month, but feeling so very sad, bitter, sour, alone ... I wish someone was there my age with my experience of getting robbed with so little time with our love. And I mean truly so little time. I feel you are one who can understand that.

One individual at this group lost her husband 15 years ago. I don't know how often she goes but ... is this really my life?? I just want Gary back, my old life, and all our somedays yet to live. I just want things back to how they were.

Feeling quite defeated, lost, irreparably broken ... really don't know if I can do this ...

Comment by Nancy on September 8, 2015 at 9:47pm

My 6 month date is tomorrow. I am already weary knowing it is coming. I try desperately to remember the good times we had, but they are always tangled with memories of the last days, when he was so confused and just kept saying "I'm scared". My husband was agnostic, so I think at the very end he was terrified of where he was going and what was going to happen. All I could do was medicate him and tell him I was there. But his words are so haunting.
Sometimes, I wish someone else I knew has to go thru all this, that seems so mean to write. But I hate hearing stories of so-and-so who just got married and now has everything they ever wanted. I had that too, and the day he was diagnosed, I felt like Neo in the Matrix, where he starts to get out of the car, and Trinity says, "you know that road, you know exactly where it leads. And I know that's not where you want to be." It angers me that other people get everything and people that I love keep getting ripped from me. I don't know that I can open myself to love again, knowing that this might be at the end of the road.
God, I miss that man. Tomorrow is going to suck.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 7, 2015 at 12:46am

Morgan, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry this path for you has been so treacherous and debilitating. I'm sorry any of us are going through this hell.

I also have no children (which honestly I've never wanted children so I'm okay with that) and I have not taken any drugs either. As for belief in god, I'm still working that out. I walked away from organized religion 11 years ago with no desire to return, I loathe it, but I feel belief in spirituality, a universal connectedness, that there is something beyond what we physically see on this earth.

Your comment that really got me was, How you were so in love with him and "Why can't I at least know where he is……..". I've had 3 intense experiences of Gary's presence and something in a dream my mind cannot refute away, and another experience that was too many coincidences all wrapped in one to not question. All that to say, I knew/know for me to still feel truly connected to Gary is massive in any ability to heal, let alone cope. I still hold back to say the experiences I had were definitely him but yet I can't deny it and say they were not. But to question if he even exists or to know where he is, I think would feel like true torture. I'm just so sorry.

John, I wonder, sadly, what I will be thinking and feeling on the one year mark. I'm not sure all the reasons why that has been crossing my mind lately. Maybe some has been the attention of it in your posts recently. College semester starting, having to start thinking ahead to what I'm going to do next semester, and how the month tally just keeps adding up like it's some big surprise I think has all played into as well. But what I currently feel is dread, maybe even fear, but feeling like I'm going to relive his death all over again ...      

Comment by morgan on September 6, 2015 at 8:42pm

I'd like to add after reading many of the most recent comments that each person who loses their beloved will react differently.  I don't want anyone to think my grief and how I am will be their path.  My history is quite different than most since I had no children and I do not believe in a god and I have not taken any drugs.  Finding purpose without any of those items has been individual to my journey and it is taking me up some pretty steep mountains.  

I have built myself up to be able to hold a conversation with another person but even those sometimes don't turn out so well.  So when they do I think I am getting better and when they don't I slide back and isolate myself further.  It seems I am in constant protection mode.  

In the past two weeks my kitty, who really was my husbands cat, has decided to get super stressed.  There are possible reasons for this I am trying to mitigate (including construction for sewer which sounded as though they were tearing our walls off) but if I lose her it is all over.  Been to the vets and all her bloodwork etc is fine.  Just stress and my crying surely doesn't help.

So here I am torn from my husband, my home (reestablished and safe but…)having to reconstruct at an age when everything is harder by myself.  I guess what I am trying to say is when I read your comments I want to hope so badly that as you progress down this damnable path of grief yours is able to turn to the things like children  or your god or volunteering or whatever that helps you reconstruct.  As much as what I am no longer as Trina said wailing and screaming on the floor (which we all do at some point, more than once) I am struggling to find that purpose and the aloneness, without his company, staring at the walls has given me much to think about now.   I dont know what will happen anymore than I knew what wold happen to him.  I just know I still need to reach out a lot and yet my energy levels are depleting even more and I am retreating.  

Why did he go without me?  Why didn't we make a pact?  Where is he?  Why can't I at least know where he is……..

Comment by morgan on September 6, 2015 at 8:08pm

John, 

How can I say in words how sorry I am that you have come to this point in your journey without Diane and are still flailing around trying to make sense of this agony.  I am so so sorry.  

I too, keep thinking this is somehow going to change.  Change to the point where everyday is not a struggle.  All I can say is it becomes a different kind of struggle as time goes on.  For me the first year and half the struggle was constant, waves of meltdowns precipitated by anything and everything.  Exhausting what little energy I had.  Raw primal crying.  Surreal.  By the two year mark I was emerging a tiny bit from the shell I had created but not by much but I was thinking I might be able to manage better.  Since I hit the  two and half year mark I function better to the outside world but inside I am mentally broken and the shadow of my beloved's death looms just as large as it did the day he died.  Today in the supermarket I saw a young couple shopping together and ended up against a wall bawling my eyes out.  Fifteen minutes later after trying to compose myself they were in front of me in the checkout lane and he put his hand on her back in a loving gesture like my husband would.  That's all it took.  The poor checkout woman.  She had no idea what to do with me.  I stumbled my way out and went nuclear in the car. 

I think I am getting closer to the day I won't take this anymore.  I seriously believed my intellectual self could bring me to a place of some kind of acceptance.  I'm not doing it. I cannot seem to grasp what my future holds.  I've tried.  Really hard.  I was so in love with that man.  

Right now I am resting again from the meltdown and I had also tried to do a local swap meet the last two days and made little to nothing for a lot of work and energy expended.  I just can't seem to find any real reason to keep up this pretension of "living".   I keep thinking I am going to get over the hump and then "BAM". Today was just another reminder of what you so exquisitely said, "reality just doesn't exist anymore."

morgan

Comment by Nancy on September 3, 2015 at 9:28pm

I try so hard to remember the good days and the good moments so I won't forget them, but inevitably they morph into the last days for him, and of course the image of him dead in the little hospital bed in our bonus room. Some images you wish you could unsee. I miss him every second, he was the light in my days.

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