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Comment by morgan on September 13, 2015 at 7:21pm

Angela,

I can't even begin to explain to anyone else how debilitating this disease we call grief is.  After burying my cat of 12 years yesterday on top of burying my husband two and half years ago I am right on the verge of giving up.  I forced myself to get out of the house today because all I could do was cry and my throat and chest hurt so much because now I go into wretched pain when I cry.  So I leave for four hours and coming back I get nauseous and walking in the door I just break down crying.  

I am seeing a huge transition all of a sudden precipitated from the death off my kitty.  I am super angry.  I just want to break things, violently.  I want to be vicious.  I have not been this way until now.  I am now more determined than ever to stop this being alone.   I cannot stand it.  Now without kitty there is less than nothing.  I will not try to keep up the forced existence anymore. I had been doing it because of kitty.  Now there is nothing stopping me other than making sure my affairs are totally in order.  I've been sort of pushing affairs to the background because I knew as long as I had kitty I would still be here.  There is a lot I need to deal with but now I am committed because I am so pissed.  How dare the universe take the only thing that made life anywhere near worthwhile?  How dare the universe take the only two things that were my family? 

Facing every day and every night now without that little heartbeat is now going to make the loss even harder.  Harder because there is now absolutely no reason whatsoever to continue.  I think I am convincing myself so i can get up the courage.  This has all just changed now to be too much.  Looking at what this change will do to me is just more than I want to endure.  

Just too much.

Comment by Angela on September 13, 2015 at 1:10pm

The loneliness is unbearable! I can't describe how much I hate this. I have been up for 7 hours and alone....no one here. I reached out yesterday to my sister and one friend....it's a band aid, a distraction form the deep void and loneliness inside. But, it never goes away. It aches constantly. I miss my husband so much. It is so immobilizing. I have no energy to carry on through the day. I just want to curl up and hibernate. I can't stop crying and I have a terrible headache for it. I miss him so much.

Comment by Tildyc on September 12, 2015 at 4:22pm

I'm sooo sorry Morgan. This pain is so relentless and never ending. And once we are mired in its merciless grip- It comes at us in every direction and from every aspect. I wish there where something I could do to help you. This is a lonely path we are walking. Coming here has been the one and only place this sad and broken person is truly understood. And I'm feeling your pain Morgan- kitty was important to you- as are my dogs to me. It truly brings tears to my eyes. I hope you find some peace Morgan. I'll be thinking of you...

Comment by Angela on September 12, 2015 at 3:13pm

So sorry Morgan. It's all just too much for one to bare.

Comment by bluebird on September 12, 2015 at 2:24pm

((((((((((morgan))))))))))
i am so sorry. :-(

Comment by morgan on September 12, 2015 at 2:10pm

my cat after my dogged entreaties to several vets I was on the third vet and she was diagnosed with cancer and renal failure.  she was put to sleep in my arms last night. to say this only reaffirms death is not something i can deal with is an understatement.  i too am lifeless 

Comment by morgan on September 10, 2015 at 11:32pm

Thank you to each of you for listening,  for hearing how painful this is, for sharing how you are feeling because without it I just don't know how much more horrible this whole journey would be.  Even with your help it has been the worst time of my life.  I no longer have words for how I can/will manage day to day.  I am so confused.  I don't know how to stop thinking about what I had so I am unable to do enough to really function at the level required to live now.   Every day I barely accomplish the basics and maybe one extra thing.  I am so dismayed/defeated by my slowness, inaction, procrastination, indecision, sadness, longing and desire I just want to be done with all of it.  It seems like the only and best answer to this interminable pain of loss.  

Compared to what I was like a year ago or two years ago on the outside I am functioning better.  That is what others see as an improvement and they interpret it as healing.  For me it is like  moving from crawling on broken shards of glass with fire underneath to walking on the same.  So I’ve gone from crawling to walking but the rest is the same.  He’s gone.  That is not going to change.

It really won't matter whether I even gain speed walking on the glass on fire.  I hate where I am, I don't want to be here and I cannot accept my new circumstances.  I can't and I won't.  My mind refuses to find enjoyment.  I don't want enjoyment.  I have been stripped of desire and without reason there is no need to exist.  

I really am so tired of continuing to write over and over how this feels.  Every day I draw closer to convincing myself that I do not want to continue to feel this way.  I could live but with so little energy and joy I am so conflicted. I know full well my beloved would be telling me to pull it together and get going but I was so dependent on his guidance, his caring, his love I simply don't know how to do it for myself.  I don't know how and don't care to keep forcing myself to try.  I keep going back to the same words but I am just so tired of trying to live.  So so tired.

Comment by Nancy on September 10, 2015 at 8:40pm

Yes, Rachel_michelle, I do now recall that. Today was worse for me than yesterday. I had part of my husband's ashes made into a diamond, and it arrived today. All I could think of was, Jesus, what shit it is that I now have to wear my husband on my finger. He should be sitting next to me, making witty comments and helping me raise our son. My grief waves are not as high and hard as they once were, but now they wash over me and slowly drown me for days before I can come up for air. Like a high tide. I keep replaying his final moments like a horror movie I can't escape. Like you said, I mourn all of the days we should have had. My old life. My new life is fine. But my old life... That was when I lived.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 10, 2015 at 4:04pm

I too am so sorry Morgan for the response at the vet office. That line between those who are living the hell too and the rest of the world is such a mass divide. I too hope kitty is ok!

I read this poem yesterday in a grief book and something about it hit me, so much that it was incorporated into a dream I had last night. It goes as follows:

                             "I found

                              in you

                             a home.

                         Your departure

                             left me a

                       Shelterless Victim

                                of a

                          Major Disaster.

                           I called the

                            Red Cross,

                             but they

                            refused to

                            send over

                             a nurse."

I think for me "Red Cross" symbolizes life, time. I just want it to all stop but it won't. A merciless, heartless bastard. I hate it. I hate this. My inner world is frozen; the outer world a continual clock of mirages. 24/7.

Comment by Tildyc on September 10, 2015 at 12:23am

Jesus- Morgan- I'm so so so sorry... I hope kitty is ok. I can't imagine yet another trial right now. All I have left is my dogs. And for them to not understand.... Bluebird is right, I've not met one single human that understand my pain and point. They think I'm effed up and need to be avoided or locked away or at least severely medicated. Except for here. Plz contact me if you need to. I am here in this BS sludge we are in. Thinking of you.....

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