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Comment by nicole irving on December 10, 2015 at 7:06am

thankyou Alice i seriously need a mike hug at the moment, a bit of his optimism and a little bit of his silliness, i rolled over in bed last night and ended up on my tummy on his side..... could still smell him.....

im not handling things so well at the moment

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 10, 2015 at 7:04am

I WILL NEVER LET GO OF HUSBAND, HE IS WITH ME AND IN MY HEART UNTIL I DIE WHICH I HOPE IS SOON. I JUST KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE, I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO GO CRAZY.

Comment by nicole irving on December 10, 2015 at 5:16am

I know what your saying alice, and i know i have to keep going another 10yrs til my youngest grows up but at 39 i am not afraid of passing over, my head is scrambled, i fail to see joy in anything, i miss him, want him, cant wait to be with him again. sick of feeling like this, i know how much i have changed in the last six and a half months, and not for the better, i had a difficult one this week, his 50th birthday sunday, and lawyers, and school concert today, plus normal head mess the rest of the week. this isnt living. as bad as it sounds i have tried to find reasons not to love him so much, if i didnt love him so much, it wouldnt hurt so much, it didnt work. still love him unconditionally, with all my heart forever.

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 9, 2015 at 10:12am

Tildyc - "Letting go- what is that suppose to even mean in our situation? To let go..... How could someone ever ask me to "let go" of Mark? What a ridiculous and frivolous concept."

Tildyc, you have a wonderful way of noticing how nonsensical are others' platitudes and infantile concepts of "counsel." I really hear you.

I wanted to say this to my counselor person: are you actually really asking me to "let go" of something that has been violently torn from me and my separation from this has left me bodily and psychically, terminally wounded?

Redundant much, jerk person with no compassion?

Counselor person: you want have conversations about me "moving forward" while I am already brutalized by life pulling me forward and on and on and away from the last time I held him, and looked in his beautiful, expressive eyes, when I am forced to move forward, leaving behind our companionship, the warmth that sustained me?  That made my life worth living? I am already moving forward against my will and in inconsolable pain... whatcha got for that? Advice to move forward? What??

Life is dragging me forward unwilling with my guts dragging on the ground behind me.

These counseling priorities are like Tildyc says...ridiculous and frivolous.

I met a lady who lost mom, dad, and brother within a very short time frame; grief, loss, desolation. She spent time in Mexico and told me that the celebration of the person's ongoing spiritual presence is an every day thing. She said our culture has this idea that death occurs, and it's a like a precipice that you fell off of, and now you're "gone." She said our culture is sick to teach us this, and leave us suffering with no understanding of how to stay connected to the ones we need and love.

Comment by Tildyc on December 9, 2015 at 1:29am

Letting go- what is that suppose to even mean in our situation? To let go..... How could someone ever ask me to "let go" of Mark? What a ridiculous and frivolous concept. Who came up with this one answer fits all bs? Councilors have zero concept what that means when they suggest that to someone like myself. The one and only, indisputable way for me to (let go) requires the taking of my own life. My god- if they only knew the actual actions it would take for me to honestly "let go".

I actually had to laugh at that a little. Let go- that DOES NOT apply here- At least not for me. Not till the day I die.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 8, 2015 at 8:09pm

I will say one thing about myself. I don't want to go into counseling again (I received counseling for a month a half) as one of the things that counseling does is ask the bereaved person to let go. And I am not ready to let go of my need of Joseph, to feel immersed in this sorrow and grief. This is the first time I am saying it to others, to a small extent it is a choice on my part not to let go. Maybe I'll be ready to do so in another 3 or 4 years. But for now I want to bear this daily reminder of my irreparable loss, this tragedy. I wish that I had died that day with Joseph. I have ABSOLUTELY no desire to go on living without my darling, the love of my life. My life is almost entirely meaningless. I have my siblings who love me dearly, so I cannot in all honesty say that my life is utterly meaningless. It doesn't help though, because I feel guilty on their behalf when I pray fervently each day for my death. Why does it all have to be so hard?

Comment by morgan on December 8, 2015 at 2:50pm

Part 2----So what to do?  I don't know.  I believe like Trina said that the darkness of days doesn't help. The joy of what celebrating was is no longer.  I'm ridiculously tired of feeling sorry for myself and yet I cant seem to wake up and give thanks for being alone.  I used to love nature because he was my direct line to embracing us in that sphere.  Now I can't even appreciate a good day of light or sunshine or snow in the woods.  I can type madly on this computer and spill my guts day after day to all of you and yet each day the groundhog returns.

I agree with Alice that my husband would not have survived this long without me.  But I attribute that to courage more than survival of the fittest.  He would have left a mess but he would not have stood the kind of mess I have become.  And not because he would have wanted to either, but a mind should not have to undergo this kind of torture.  It makes me more compassionate of those who have a much worse situation than me, situations like war, where what they need are basic to survival.  But I can't seem to get beyond my own emotional distress to feel as though continuing to swim against the tide is worth it.  

Today I have gotten out of my pajamas and have had a little breakfast and now am facing what else to do.  Will I sit and read about the world on my computer all day and watch TV or will I try to list some things to resell or try to make attempts to feel there is another way I can supplement my SS so I don’t have to keep pullng against my savings?  I do have options. Or will I pull that bag of pills I have and take another good look at them because I am feeling really down at the moment and even though I have some people who have called recently who “care” I know full well that none of this is enough.  I want him.  Is this a case of I cannot OR I will not try to get better and make the most of what I’ve got???  I don’t know, I just know that I am having a hard time again, more so than in the last couple months and feel like I am back all the way to square one only the clarity of being more convinced that I am too tired to care anymore is increasing.  Not yet but wish I had the courage.

Comment by morgan on December 8, 2015 at 2:50pm

Tildyc

Part 1--I so wish I had some fairy dust to spread over this whole damn world.  I saw your photos the other day of your crying tree.  I assumed at the time that the base was being covered slowly by snowfall.  But honestly it could just as easily have been the river of your tears rising around it.

 

I don't have an answer to your WTF…….if I did, no disrespect intended, but I think I would have to wrap myself up in that answer and try to lift myself out of this hellhole I have managed to fall back into big time.  Not because I wouldn't want to help you but the answers seem so scarce I’m afraid there would only be enough of an answer to lift one of us out of the hole. It seems a pretty elusive quest.  

I landed back in the hole Nov 21st.  I have yet to climb out to any negligible degree.  Made worse of course by the frivolity of the mystique of Xmas but also because no matter what I seem to be doing to help myself I meet with the kinds of obstacles that are above my ability/energy level to conquer.  Thus I end up crying, once again wondering WTF is all for and why don't I have the courage to do what I really want to do.

Somehow I think I am looking for a Pre-absolution.  From him.  I want him to reach out in someway and tell me it would be alright to stop this nonsensical living.  We had pretty much agreed before he died that much of life was nonsensical.   At that point it seemed as though what was going on even though it was out of our control, somehow together, we made do.  We figured out a way to rise above it all and with love we were able to ignore it to the extent that even though life seemed hard we did it together.  Now, that's gone.  I have no one who wants to reach out to the extent that it makes the obstacles less insurmountable.  

I could give examples but it's not necessary because each of us are facing our own personal hell and the guy or gal that was there for us and would take us into their arms and console us. Well, those arms are gone.  And no one can be there even enough in spirit to help us.  They have their own lives.  They are facing their own obstacles but they may still have that "other" person who was with them 24/7 and committed to climbing the summit roped together. We don’t.

Comment by Lisa James on December 8, 2015 at 6:11am

I will never forget the last words my husband said too.My husband was a good man in life.I still have the birthday gift he gave me for my 36th birthday last year,A 2015 Dodge Challenger R/T and I am keeping it.Plus I put a Busch beer bottle cap by the shifter in memory of him.He loved Busch beer and I do too.Remember having a couple Busch beers with him on the front porch.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 8, 2015 at 5:04am

Dear Tildyc,

So sorry to read your heartrending post. Don't know what to say. One thing I have noticed since it started to get dark earlier in the day is that I've felt more depressed and despondent than before. Our anniversary falls on December 21st. Joseph and I chose this day b/c it is winter solstice, the shortest day of the year after which the days start getting longer; winter solstice is the celebration of the returning light day. The solstice is supposed to symbolize our love. It would have been our 16th anniversary (we were together for 19 years). I miss Joseph to the point that I can't even say how badly. I know that my deep and ongoing sorrow is testament of our deep and abiding love. That's all I can say. You yourself said something to that effect, that your pain of loss is in direct proportion to your love for Mark. So hang in there, my dear, and keep visiting this site.

Hugs, Trina

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