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Comment by Rebekah on December 29, 2015 at 10:05pm

Rachel_michelle:

I agree 100%. There is, was and will only ever be one person for me. And the world stole him right in front of my eyes 69 days ago, when he was only 38. And I'm tired of people telling me you're so young (33), you'll find love again. I don't want to find love, I had my love, we were together since I was 17, and married almost 15 years. Everyone we know who we are close to has always told us they know what true love looks like because of us, even before he died. To have people tell me that at my age has always been something that made me happy, because I've always known what we had was something most people can only dream of. And that was and is the most important part of both our lives, each other. So no, I don't want someone else. I will live every last miserable day of my life thinking of him and what we had. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than try to even think of finding someone who would never complete me the way that he did.

Anyway- yes I agree so very much with you Rachel.

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 29, 2015 at 8:44pm

I think Jo posted that. True for me, too.

I said to my beloved friend of 25 years, "being with you is so much better than I thought it would be. And I thought it would be a.w.e.s.o.m.e." My dear treasure, my heart and soul. How I still need you, D.

Comment by rachel_micele on December 29, 2015 at 8:15pm

So I've been in such a funk since the postings yesterday. I'm not completely sure why it struck such a cord. I know you're not supposed to compare loss, everyone grieves differently, etc. No offense intended but I must speak my peace. I'm sure I can speak for many of those here when I say our loves meant something surreal. Something that absolutely cannot be replaced. Something completely different - like a completely different universe.

For some, a relationship is having someone just so they aren't alone. In that case, anyone will fit the bill. For some, it's needs and urges that need attention and many will fit the bill. And scenarios like that are perfectly fine. To each his own of what drives the relationship people choose. But speaking for myself, there is only one of him. It took me so many years and so many shitty relationships to find Gary. Him and his personality was so damn unique. Was the relationship perfect? On it's way. Were we perfect together? So much more than I ever thought honestly possible. The perfect companion and compliment. And how our love survived and became as strong as it is today, at times I'm in awe. I could go on and on of what Gary and "us" meant for me. But I think of a mime someone posted once on this site I will use to close. "You weren't just a star to me; you were the whole damn sky".

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 29, 2015 at 8:11pm

Mel, I had anxiety start up in me yesterday. It got really bad. I got triggered by learning something new about D's passing.

I started shaking from it. It was actually that extreme. I actually just shook and trembled for a good piece, crumpled up shivering in misery.

I'd had plans to work on a project but instead I curled up in a little ball on the couch and shook.

Comment by Mel Royer on December 29, 2015 at 5:48pm

Thanks again John. I'm sure like your Diane was to you, she was that one in a million soul mate for me. My 2nd marriage, her 3rd..A mutual friend of ours told me "At least she got it right the 3rd time". I don't know about that but she was my special lady, I will miss her as long as I breathe. She had such a hard patch to deal with. A year before her stroke, her youngest daughter died of a tylenol overdose. She never got over that. I think that contributed to her stroke a year later. I was her caregiver not adequate for her needs. I tried my best. When I was doing one of the more unpleasant duteis of caregiving, she would always look at me and say "God will reward you for this" and I would tell her "It is my honor and privilege to care for you. I am your husband and it is the least I can do for my wife".  Now she is gone. I miss her deeply and always will.  

Comment by Mel Royer on December 29, 2015 at 4:57pm

Thanks John, the same back to you.  In 2016, I hope to hold a more comforting memory of my Nancy and feel a warmth in the heart that will warm these coming cold winter nights. I too am following Alice's small step approach and it seems to make things more tolerable, but today was worse than it's been in a long time.  "powerless and lost" describes how I felt today perfectly.  I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not drown in sorrow. It's been a task today. Like your Diane would not want you to  suffer so would Nancy want me to move on and create a new life for myself. Much easier said than done. I'll settle for a little bit of peace and those happy memories without tears.

Comment by Mel Royer on December 29, 2015 at 3:11pm

Thank you so much, Alice. I'll do that!  

Comment by Mel Royer on December 29, 2015 at 1:44pm

I'm having a really bad day.  I watched my late wife's memorial video on Youtube and am so sad and in pain and despairing. I don't know if I can make it throughout  the afternoon. I need to do so much cleaning around the house, I can't get myself to do it. I'm scared! I;m almost incapacitated.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 29, 2015 at 6:13am

Hello Tildyc,

My feeling are just the same as your about losing my beloved Husband Julian, it's been over 2 years and I just can't dig myself out of that black hole. I wish God would take me, I hate getting up everyday. 

Comment by Mel Royer on December 29, 2015 at 4:25am

Nancy and I used to talk about this. As I recall she wanted me to remarry and continue with my life as best I could. I know she wouldn't want me to be unhappy.  But, I am unhappy because she passed away and I miss her more than I can express. Painfully so. Still, It's only been 8 months and for me. I don't see an end to this despair. For me, I don't like being alone but it's Nancy that is missing in my life not someone else. 

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