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Comment by Dianne M. on April 19, 2015 at 7:41pm

George sometimes is seems like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a long time ago...I cant explain it.

I keep playing that day over and over in my mind. Just so sad and lonely.

Comment by George H on April 19, 2015 at 7:38pm

2 months Tuesday seems like this morning

Comment by Dianne M. on April 19, 2015 at 7:15pm

lost I get what u are saying. It will be 2 months on Thursday and I cant get out of this pit I am in.

Comment by bluebird on April 19, 2015 at 7:11pm

I feel the same way, lost. None of us deserve this shit.

Comment by lost on April 19, 2015 at 7:09pm

I'm so depressed right now. This has been a bad day. I hate my life. I don't even know why I'm staying around. What for? What is my life without James? What am I good for? I can't take care of myself. I can't take care of the house. I tried to go out to my glass shop and that was a bust. Couldn't concentrate. Didn't want to be there. I just don't care. I don't care about myself. I don't care about anything. If I knew that I would for sure be with James....I would end it now. I'm so down. I don't want a life like this. I know it is only been 45 days.....but, I see how some of yall have been grieving a long, long time and your lives haven't changed much. I can't do it. I can't be like this in 6 months, a year....2 years. This cannot be what awaits me. I'm a good person. I don't deserve this.

Comment by morgan on April 19, 2015 at 4:23pm

Part 2-- I think it is different for others.  I can only say I think it has to do with several things.  Length of time a couple was together, way spouse died, did you get some closure by saying anything before they died,  are there children from the bond, do you have a faith in a deity (i.ehow badly do you need to have answers), are family or friends giving the right kind of support, and probably many more if I was to give it more thought.  For me, I hate the position I am in.  Alone, with all the responsibility of cooking, cleaning, making money, dealing with others, etc etc etc..  Is it enough to take my own life?  Unfortunately I have not crossed that boundary yet.  I had a friend who is well meaning say to me that what if I crossed over and because I took my life I couldn’t reunite with my husband.  It’s been enough so far to keep me from doing so.

 

So instead I am hanging by a thread and placing my hopes on the science module knowing that they know a lot more than is understood by the layman.  They are getting closer to answering a lot of questions that have been up until now secrets to our cycle of birth, life, death and and if they answer more I am hopeful it gives me something more definitive.  In the meantime I still struggle because I don’t know.  I don’t know a damn thing and I find it difficult to bear that I might not be with his energy/ consciousness again.  It screams to me especially when I drop into the hole.  But then I have to think that if my pain is this long lasting there has got to be something more than just “Death”.  Has to be.  Why would I feel like this if there wasn’t something more to all of this.  So my answer like JohnT is yes and no.

Comment by morgan on April 19, 2015 at 4:23pm

Part 1--I’ve been MIA in the last couple days for a couple reasons not the least of which is I have been having some bad breakdowns.  I got two days in a row at the beginning of the week where I didn’t cry, I ate somewhat regularly and got a few things accomplished that had been sitting waiting for me.  Then boom!  Back to the hole. 

 

I, like bluebird, am going into the third year and there are some differences between where some of you are and me.  The actual shock is less.  But the reality of it replaces it.  The survivors guilt is pretty heady.  I am one to analyze over and over and I want answers.  No matter the way someone dies each of us are condemned to a good dose of the why’s.  Because death is silent we get no answers and so we need to reconcile the best we can.  Why us?  Why now? Why did it have to be that way?  Why should I continue to live? It will eat you up.  That analysis I believe is sort of always there.  It just rears its ugly head in varying amounts at different times.

 

I have done everything short of running daily marathons to keep myself occupied when I have the energy.  Today I have decided to go out and kill my back in the dirt.  Some call it gardening. I call it self directed grief therapy.  I am not doing because of the joy.  I am doing it to keep my mind off of having to think.  Thinking is slowly killing me. 

 

Some physical manifestations have receded.  My hair is not falling out in large clumps.  I have a bit more energy but I don’t/cant work anymore so I am very slow in what I do.  I take naps rather that getting good sleep but before it was neither.  My eyes are hollow and I have aged twenty years.  

 

I think Mark you asked a question that varies for each of us.  I think it can be a sunny day and I might feel a little better than a cloudy day but that is a literal feeling that I would have felt before grief.  As for will I slowly return to a sunny disposition like I had before because I have reconciled and accepted my husband is gone.  The answer for me is no. 

Comment by George H on April 19, 2015 at 1:19pm

I don't think people understand we can be alone in a crowed stadium you truly have to be one of us to understand our loneliness

Comment by Dianne M. on April 19, 2015 at 1:10pm

I have no family. He was all I had. So I sit here alone. I have some friends but they have a life and husbands that we would hang around with so that doesn't work for me now. Being the 3rd wheel is not my idea of fun. So not sure which is worse.

Comment by bluebird on April 19, 2015 at 1:07pm

I suppose I'm lucky in that I do have a good, loving family (not without their dysfunctions, of course, but we do all really love each other).  My Mom, Dad, sister, and brother-in-law are wonderful. They also love my husband, and so I don't have to deal with the particular horrible things a lot of you are having to deal with, of my family not being there for me or of them not caring about my husband or saying bad things about him.

That said, I don't actually think it's any easier. My husband is still dead, and the fact that I have family who love me only makes it harder on me because they are also hurt, both by my husband's death and by the destruction of their daughter (me) and her life. They know I do not want to live, they know I hate my life, they know that nothing brings me joy, and that is all very hard for them. It also means that if/when I do kill myself, they will be devastated by it; if I didn't have family members who love me, I could kill myself without worrying about them.

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