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ON a scale of 1 to 10
1 Reply

I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25, 2017.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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morgan's Page

Latest Activity

morgan commented on Mike H.'s blog post Is there a chance to see my dead loved ones again?
"Mike, Resurrection of the dead?  Really?"
Sep 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Mel,  Too messy. Use it to get your anger out for target shooting but don't leave a mess behind.  I know exactly how you feel.....  We've shared it a million times on here BUT this has to be clean.   I got some glimmer…"
Sep 13
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Its pretty obvious I'm not sick or crazy because if I am those who responded in kind are too.  Its why I come here and unload because I know that I am going to hear from others with the exact same characteristics of carrying our grief…"
Sep 12
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I haven't written lately.  Not because I am not having problems surviving my emotions but because 1) I have so little energy that I have to conserve and use for daily work and living and 2) I'm giving up.  I just cannot see…"
Sep 11
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, the website you posted was really quite a find.  I am not about to pay for counseling on how to write (journaling)since I've been doing that since day one but her reflections on how society just does not account for how people grieve…"
Aug 30
Linda left a comment for morgan
"Dear Morgan, thank you so much for your kind and honest words.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, that alone gives me sustenance to get through another day.  Blessed be.  Linda"
Aug 27
morgan left a comment for Linda
"Linda,  I'm age 67, lost my husband five and half years ago and I still struggle daily.  i've been looking for answers as to who I am now and I've had to admit this is what "normal" is for me now.  Normal has…"
Aug 27
morgan joined Amy Reed's group
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Losing a spouse and dating again

I lost my spouse 16 months ago. Have gotten into a new relationship but he lets me grieve openly. I have a2 year old daughter. Also I am 26See More
Aug 13
morgan replied to Pamela philipp's discussion FAILING in the group Lost My Spouse...
"You know whats so powerful about sites like this.   It doesnt gloss over the dysfunction. The utter inhumanity.  Yet at the same time it is the most holistic approach to how we could live.  Each of us helping another.  I cannot…"
Jul 23
morgan replied to Pamela philipp's discussion FAILING in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Christopher, You have had alot of good to post and i applaud your willingness to keep your focus forward. But for some of us that practical, pragmatic, positive "purpose" does not exist. And age plus length of time with our spouses can…"
Jul 22
morgan and Crystal Parker are now friends
Jul 21
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Before this nightmare I myself would never have imagined how debilitating the loss of a spouse is. Tracy B 2014 I thought I would be able to focus on my career to help me heal, but I don't even like going to work any more. At home, I can't…"
Jul 20
morgan left a comment for Aequanimitas
"Aquanimitas wrote: I have found myself feeling emotionally broken, devastated, crushed, completely shattered into pieces but I am also experiencing an unexpected amount of intense anger and contempt. I feel that my tolerance towards certain things…"
Jul 6
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, I will think of you on the 10th......these last few days have been a back breaker for me......Days just wasting away.......the immensity of the grief just taking my breath away.   And yes, some people got lucky and found the one person…"
Jul 6
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Alice, Like you, every day I run into situations, some challenging, some just reminders.  They overwhelm me and I cry.  After five and half years I am now resigned to the facts.  Fact:I am never going to have a normal life.…"
Jul 5
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda,  I don't have any sanity left.  i have been doing the same kind of thing as you for the last five years plus.  Working like a crazy person, eating sporadically, sleeping erratically hoping my body will do the same as…"
Jul 3

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (51 comments)

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At 10:22pm on August 27, 2018, Linda said…

Dear Morgan, thank you so much for your kind and honest words.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, that alone gives me sustenance to get through another day.  Blessed be.  Linda

At 12:56pm on June 23, 2018, Mike H. said…

Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike

At 1:52am on April 20, 2018, Virginia G said…

Morgan,

thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

At 6:38am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

At 6:36am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain

crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.   

At 2:56pm on January 18, 2018, Alice Thompson said…

My dear Morgan, I am thinking of you as you go through this dark tunnel reliving the end. I did that myself recently, as you know, and it is indescribable. Baby steps, as you say. That’s all we can do. With my love, Alice 

At 1:52pm on December 13, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

At 8:58am on December 6, 2017, Aaron Hoenig said…

Morgan, thank you for reaching out.  I am so sorry for your loss to.  I agree that no one can understand the loss of a spouse unless they too have experienced it first hand.  It is a unique loss like losing a child.  I feel after reading your posts that your support system was either non-existing or has failed you terribly. No one can tell you comfortingly that they know how you feel and to try to move on.  It has only been three weeks since Larry passed.  Some days if feels like forever and somedays it feels like yesterday.  Losing Larry to cancer was hard in that he was wasting physically and mentally.  He knew the disease was taking him slowly and sometimes painfully, especially after treatment.  In a way I am glad for you that you and you beloved did not have to suffer a long drawn out ending, though in my experience it allowed Larry and I to talk and grieve together and is an experience i would never wish away.  Larry strictly forbade me from trying to join him and after the first few hours and days that idea slowly faded.  It has not left completely and never will, but I will learn to live with it like the loss of Larry's physical presence.  I am not a religiously spiritual person and neither was Larry, but we both believe in a spiritual existence after the physical body has stopped functioning.  I know it exists as we have had many experiences with passed loved ones contacting us through signs and presence in reflections in mirrors and windows.  Larry has contacted me and let me know he is ok and I will be too eventually.  He reminded me to find my own strength, especially in the love we shared.  I say this to you today to hopefully give you the strength to look for these signs from your loved one.  They are there, you have to be open for them.  If you are not right now, you will be!  The strength you have in continuing on through the pain, feeling the loss, and feeling like you are wasting away shows you the depth of the love you shared together and your strength.  Use that love and strength.  It will never fail you like people can. 

Please continue to post and chat here.  You need to continue to reach out.  It too is a validation of your personal strength.

Be well and remember to feel the true love you have inside you that was created by you both.

At 1:33am on November 11, 2017, Luchka Botha said…
Hi morgan thanks for the reply. He had leukemia he just got sick one day and died 6 weeks later. We have leukemia in my side of the family. I dont know why he got it thats something i ask myself everyday.
At 6:28pm on October 18, 2017, Cheyenne Steffen said…
Thank you for writing Morgan. I appreciate it so much that you reached out. I have an appointment with a grief counsellor on Monday. I'm looking forward to that and hoping the Dr. Can help. It's very difficult for me not to look ahead too much. I'm a planner by nature so this feeling of limbo is tough. However, I find that it's more painful to think of the future so I'm trying really hard to go hour by hour. Today I got out of the house for a bit. The distraction was good so I'll have to try that more often. I'm very sorry for your loss. It is almost unfathomable how we can live through losing a spouse. I am alive but not really living. I expect it will be that way for a long time.
I'll write again. For now I just wanted to thank you for the kind words.
Cheyenne

Morgan's Blog

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was…

Continue

Posted on March 29, 2018 at 11:37pm — 4 Comments

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

 
 
 

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Latest Activity

susan zingale is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
3 hours ago
Fran replied to Nicole's discussion Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Nicole, I'm almost 4 years out(next month). At this point the pain is generally duller. Every so often, and it doesn't have to be a birthday or anniversary, something triggers a sharper pain. My life with my husband almost seems like it…"
4 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, Trina & Alexis, Thanks for your thoughts. Life will never be the same again. I am so glad to have such wonderful friends on this forum. God Bless You All."
5 hours ago
ALEXIS commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda and Bluebird I have been feeling the same way.  At work I am getting in all sorts of holiday items and it is hard for me to look at it or think of the holidays.  This will be my first without my husband.  I'm not quite sure…"
15 hours ago
JenShep replied to Nicole's discussion Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Some days, yes it does. And some days it’s worse than the day you lost him. I’m two years out."
15 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Alas, time DOES NOT heal all wounds. Perhaps it heals most wounds, but not the loss of one's soulmate, the love of their life. Those people who say this, don't know any better. Either they don't understand what a soulmate is, or they…"
18 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
18 hours ago
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I understand, Linda. It's the same for me. ((((Hugs))))"
19 hours ago
Monty replied to Kyle McKay's discussion Lost my wife in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Kyle Im so sorry for your loss and the pain your going though. its hard at the start, especially if you don't feel you have any one to talk to. you have a sympathetic ear in here any time you need / wish to talk, i know its not the same as…"
19 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here I am at a another Holiday Season coming up. All it is, is my six Christmas without my beloved Husband. I was always told time will make things better, I guess these people never knew what a true soulmate is. I feel the same way I did six years…"
21 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here I am at a another Holiday Season coming up. All it is, is my six Christmas without my beloved Husband. I was always told time will make things better, I guess these people never knew what a true soulmate is. I feel the same way I did six years…"
21 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I would say that your mom was fortunate that she did not suffer that way. Sometimes a person will suffer for years before they die. I am certainly glad that I got to be with my mom at the end and tell her that I loved her every day, but it was…"
Wednesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I know you know I did not mean it in that way, but of course not, my question, should I be thankful she did not suffer and lay in a bed and me have to watch her suffer and be able to do nothing as so many had to do on this site.  But as you…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I don't know if we can be thankful that our mom's died under any circumstances. "
Wednesday
Profile IconMarian Bruce and Colleen joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"True Brett Should I be thankful? My mom died in an instant she was herself until the last minute. Some say I’m lucky I didn’t have to watch her suffer. But my mom used to always say we suffer everyday in this earth. I would have been…"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No, she didn't everyone, good or bad, dies. Few people have an easy death."
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Wow Avi I believe in karma but I’m not sure that your mom has done anything wrong present or past that would make her have gotten that disease"
Tuesday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks Theressa. Yes hope the questions will be answered. In my country, lot of importance is given to Karma and it is believed that whatever you sow and you will reap the same. Not sure how this karma cycle is analyzed and who decided if this was a…"
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes Avi That’s what we all have to do we have to go on with our lives it’s so much easier said than done I cry sometimes uncontrollably I have hope that one day every question or any uncertainty we have will be answered"
Tuesday

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