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ON a scale of 1 to 10
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I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25, 2017.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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Latest Activity

morgan replied to Madeleine's discussion What would you do if you could have your lost loved one back for just five minutes?
"Madeleine, what would I do if I could have my husband back for just five minutes? My first reaction would be to run into his arms, hug him and then make mad passionate love like we did so many times and then I would ask him if I could take the pills…"
2 hours ago
Virginia G commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Morgan, i know you said you don’t like meds, but maybe one of the natural supplements for anxiety could lessen the meltdowns?  Just a suggestion.  I’m the opposite, don’t know why I’m not having constant breakdowns,…"
Friday
Virginia G left a comment for morgan
"Morgan, thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if…"
Friday
morgan commented on Virginia G's blog post Post traumatic stress disorder
"Virginia, We ask ourselves alot of questions when we suffer such a great loss as a loved one.  All of your questions I have asked myself over and over as I have tried to live beyond the loss of my husband.  I've not answered them…"
Friday
AnneJ. commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Ah, Morgan. And Bluebird and Linda and Mel and Alice and all you others who let me walk with you from cave to cave during these dreadful years of an examined life. I'm so tired I can't even write lately; our old friends, where are they...…"
Apr 18
Susan and morgan are now friends
Apr 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"For most of the five plus years I have been enduring the loss of my beloved husband I have tried very hard to see if there was a way to make the pain I cope with "better".  Keeping myself super busy, finally getting up some courage to…"
Apr 13
morgan left a comment for Dana Moss
"Dana, You've said it all.....None of us ever realized this type of grief existed.  There are many analogies and your one of the bus is another that describes how painful this is.  This is a place where what you say will be fully…"
Apr 10
morgan and Marita are now friends
Apr 9
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Wow, Alice. That was a pretty profound post.  I think I get it.  If I am relating to what you said at all I think I find myself in the same place ......alot.  Fear of overcoming some new challenge....(it used to be an…"
Apr 9
morgan replied to Trevy Thomas's discussion Healing in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I've been reading the messages to this post and I am upset that it sounds as though I am not trying hard enough and that just by saying "I want to live again"  and mean it will somehow be the magic words that stop the pain of…"
Apr 9
bluebird commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"I'm right there with you on a neighboring cliff, morgan. We are like those ancient hermits, each of us in our own cave, knowing that there are others nearby living much like we are, but still each of us is in our own dark, enclosed space. …"
Apr 8
morgan commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Alice,  Thank you so much for responding.......it means a tremendous amount right now as I keep slipping backwards.  I feel like I have been standing alone on the edge of a cliff for so long.  Even though I know there are others that…"
Apr 1
Alice Thompson commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Dear Morgan, we are bearing the unbearable and therefore doing the impossible. No wonder we find ourselves in a place that doesn’t even relate to normal life. It is so cruel, to be put somewhere where you can’t have your love but neither…"
Apr 1
morgan posted a blog post

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was like being back at…See More
Mar 29
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda,  I too have tried so hard to live without my husband but so many things still trip me up.  And for so many of the years I kept thinking that somehow I would find a way to have less of the "missing" and more of the…"
Mar 9

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (49 comments)

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At 1:52am on April 20, 2018, Virginia G said…

Morgan,

thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

At 6:38am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

At 6:36am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain

crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.   

At 2:56pm on January 18, 2018, Alice Thompson said…

My dear Morgan, I am thinking of you as you go through this dark tunnel reliving the end. I did that myself recently, as you know, and it is indescribable. Baby steps, as you say. That’s all we can do. With my love, Alice 

At 1:52pm on December 13, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

At 8:58am on December 6, 2017, Aaron Hoenig said…

Morgan, thank you for reaching out.  I am so sorry for your loss to.  I agree that no one can understand the loss of a spouse unless they too have experienced it first hand.  It is a unique loss like losing a child.  I feel after reading your posts that your support system was either non-existing or has failed you terribly. No one can tell you comfortingly that they know how you feel and to try to move on.  It has only been three weeks since Larry passed.  Some days if feels like forever and somedays it feels like yesterday.  Losing Larry to cancer was hard in that he was wasting physically and mentally.  He knew the disease was taking him slowly and sometimes painfully, especially after treatment.  In a way I am glad for you that you and you beloved did not have to suffer a long drawn out ending, though in my experience it allowed Larry and I to talk and grieve together and is an experience i would never wish away.  Larry strictly forbade me from trying to join him and after the first few hours and days that idea slowly faded.  It has not left completely and never will, but I will learn to live with it like the loss of Larry's physical presence.  I am not a religiously spiritual person and neither was Larry, but we both believe in a spiritual existence after the physical body has stopped functioning.  I know it exists as we have had many experiences with passed loved ones contacting us through signs and presence in reflections in mirrors and windows.  Larry has contacted me and let me know he is ok and I will be too eventually.  He reminded me to find my own strength, especially in the love we shared.  I say this to you today to hopefully give you the strength to look for these signs from your loved one.  They are there, you have to be open for them.  If you are not right now, you will be!  The strength you have in continuing on through the pain, feeling the loss, and feeling like you are wasting away shows you the depth of the love you shared together and your strength.  Use that love and strength.  It will never fail you like people can. 

Please continue to post and chat here.  You need to continue to reach out.  It too is a validation of your personal strength.

Be well and remember to feel the true love you have inside you that was created by you both.

At 1:33am on November 11, 2017, Luchka Botha said…
Hi morgan thanks for the reply. He had leukemia he just got sick one day and died 6 weeks later. We have leukemia in my side of the family. I dont know why he got it thats something i ask myself everyday.
At 6:28pm on October 18, 2017, Cheyenne Steffen said…
Thank you for writing Morgan. I appreciate it so much that you reached out. I have an appointment with a grief counsellor on Monday. I'm looking forward to that and hoping the Dr. Can help. It's very difficult for me not to look ahead too much. I'm a planner by nature so this feeling of limbo is tough. However, I find that it's more painful to think of the future so I'm trying really hard to go hour by hour. Today I got out of the house for a bit. The distraction was good so I'll have to try that more often. I'm very sorry for your loss. It is almost unfathomable how we can live through losing a spouse. I am alive but not really living. I expect it will be that way for a long time.
I'll write again. For now I just wanted to thank you for the kind words.
Cheyenne
At 8:44pm on June 30, 2017, JenShep said…

Hi Morgan,

I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group.  I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall.  27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful.  I thought my 5 months was short.  And it was. But, 27 days?  I don't know what to think about the shortness of time.  I wish I had gotten 5 more years with my love, or 10, or 20!  I wish I was 53 as I was writing this and not 43.  I can't imagine living God knows how many more years are in store for me.  Why can't my life be taken instead of splitting up another soulmate couple? Why can't we go with our loves? Life is so damn unfair.  My husband and I never really spoke about the possibility of his dying.  The only time it really came up was right when he was diagnosed and he said (while crying) "I'm not afraid of dying but I can't leave you." We were convinced that we would be the 1%.  I wonder if he was keeping his feelings from me to protect me or if he truly thought he would kick the cancer, as I did.  Did you and your love talk about the possibility of his dying and leaving you?  It's one of those things that I really need from him.  I need to know what he thinks of this whole thing. I wish we had made some plans or something - like signs he would leave me or wishes he had for me for my future.  He always said that if anything ever happened to me that he would take his life.  I feel guilty that I haven't.  Does that mean I love him less?  I wonder what he would have wanted for my life.  Answers I'll never know.  It sucks.  

At 4:39am on April 4, 2017, Karen Schell said…

Hi Morgan, Thanks for your post. Yes, i would agree with that. Life is so empty and meaning is gone from our world when our love in no longer here in this life with us. It all seems so futile.

You take care too, ((((Hugs))))

Morgan's Blog

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was…

Continue

Posted on March 29, 2018 at 11:37pm — 5 Comments

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Marie D commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Brett, I am here, still struggling with deep depression. I need your and others advice, how do you handle Mother’s Day? This will be the first one since Mom passed on Christmas Day. I am overcome with grief, and dread just thinking about…"
41 minutes ago
Madeleine replied to Madeleine's discussion What would you do if you could have your lost loved one back for just five minutes?
"Thank you - I totally agree. They never really leave us."
54 minutes ago
Madeleine replied to Madeleine's discussion What would you do if you could have your lost loved one back for just five minutes?
"Hi Morgan, I'm so very sorry for your loss and heartbreak. It makes me wonder if asking people to write to their lost one on my website is just too much for many. I really hope people's words can make readers feel less alone in their grief…"
54 minutes ago
morgan replied to Madeleine's discussion What would you do if you could have your lost loved one back for just five minutes?
"Madeleine, what would I do if I could have my husband back for just five minutes? My first reaction would be to run into his arms, hug him and then make mad passionate love like we did so many times and then I would ask him if I could take the pills…"
2 hours ago
dream moon JO B updated their profile
6 hours ago
dream moon JO B replied to Madeleine's discussion What would you do if you could have your lost loved one back for just five minutes?
"noy let go but i no ther is afrer lifess coz thy can vist us is m ush is thy need 2 esplyyy wen we need thm "
6 hours ago
dream moon JO B commented on Jesse's Mom's group Signs from Our Loved Ones
"lst 4 wks iv bean goin 2 spirtalstt churshes lot of pepepel had mesagess off lovesd 1s thy hav evn off e pepeepl it die ovr 60 or 70 or80 yrs go "
6 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My sister kept some of my mom's voicemail to her. There is no way that I could listen to it. She also took some video footage of her while she was on Hospice. Seeing those would be very painful. Like you, looking through a photo album is so…"
13 hours ago
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"This is just so hard and I know we are all going through it... I just wish they told me it was going to hurt this much- I would've spent every minute with my mom and learned everything about her :( "
18 hours ago
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you Brett. I do try to honor her but it is so painful.  I attended church service yesterday. I think I did pretty well.  No unexpected outbursts. But then I came home and found an old album of photos, saw a picture of me and my mom…"
18 hours ago
AnneJ. commented on Virginia G's blog post Post traumatic stress disorder
"Virginia, personally I am convinced, looking back, that my brain put up a shield to protect my mind from the devastating scene of my husband of 20 years dropping to his death in the shower. I'm still 99% nuts and that's the truth.…"
yesterday
Madeleine posted a discussion

What would you do if you could have your lost loved one back for just five minutes?

Hi, I'm new to this site and would love to share my new project inspired by the loss of my mom 24 years ago - www.yourjustfiveminutes.com.Just Five Minutes was created to help those dealing with grief reconnect to their lost loved one, either by dreaming the impossible, or by simply reading other peoples' words who may be experiencing a similar sense of loss as you.It asks one question: 'What would you do if... came…See More
yesterday
Victoira Robinson joined Katherine Ellis's group
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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
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Victoira Robinson joined Jesse's Mom's group
yesterday
Victoira Robinson joined Karen's group
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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
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Madeleine updated their profile
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Kelly Johnson joined Jon-Paul Ackerman's group
yesterday
dream moon JO B commented on Jarvis's blog post After Death Communication
"sum tims u bestt of goin 2 a spirtlshh churshh u r "
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dream moon JO B commented on Jarvis's blog post After Death Communication
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dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"im begin 2 lern anot o sid  i am mor thn "
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