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morgan's Discussions

ON a scale of 1 to 10
1 Reply

I come here to read posts and on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the hardest, we are at infinity.  Having to manage the death of our beloved spouse (him or her) is definitely off the charts.  From…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Mar 27, 2016.

Loss and Attachment
2 Replies

To all,I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Jackie cooke Apr 25, 2017.

Will this ever stop hurting?
15 Replies

Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by AnneJ Jul 5, 2015.

I cannot accept...
5 Replies

I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by dream moon JO B Dec 18, 2014.

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morgan's Page

Latest Activity

Jennifer left a comment for morgan
"Thanks Morgan for commenting on my profile page. Wow...What u described that u go through every day of every year is exactly how I feel. I lost my girlfriend/fiance of 5 years to suicide. I know without a doubt in my mind that she is my soul mate so…"
Apr 19
morgan left a comment for Jennifer
"Jennifer,   If there was anything at all I could say, I would.  No one who hasn't lost the love of their life can understand the amount of pain that stays with us for a very long time.  I know at four years I was still banging…"
Apr 19
morgan commented on Anna-Marie's blog post When does the crying stop.
"Anna Marie,  I can only tell you that here on this site you are amongst a group of people who know exactly what you are going through and we are all so sorry you have to be here.  I have only one decent suggestion and that is take baby…"
Apr 7
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This was a letter I wrote to a friend about three months after my husband died.  Not much has changed after six plus years........... I've been sick with a sore throat and today was another wickedly brutal crying day. There is nothing that…"
Apr 5
morgan and Joe Kelly are now friends
Mar 31
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"And Joe,  I see the sweetest, prettiest little girl at her First Communion.  And now where is she?  Damn, I hate loss........."
Mar 31
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"i'm not going to do this.  i'm not going to make it.  i cannot live without him.  i want out.  i just had another meltdown.   Then I read the latest posts and I too don't want to let my husband down but I…"
Mar 31
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.…"
Mar 19
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am finding it so hard to keep motivated.  I have tons I need to do to keep afloat and try to honor the legacy of my husband and yet all I seem able to do is push myself, force myself.......constantly. Its the putting on the mask and…"
Mar 18
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Marita, Yes, we all pretty much have found that grief is not a bump on the head.  It is a ripping apart of a quantum soul.  For me it has become an all encompassing desire to plead with the universe to take me.  I do it as I have now…"
Mar 16
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, I remember reading about "broken heart" syndrome and wishing that I too would succumb.  Instead here I am today still wishing ANYTHING would take me to the other universe and hoping it is quick, painless and soon.  But…"
Mar 12
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe,  Its stress related for sure.   I have found over the years that the "shell shock" of the trauma induced event of my spouse dying has done a number on my immune system.  I was a a yoga, holistic-balanced, strong,…"
Mar 12
morgan joined Amy's group
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You're too young to be a widow

I never thought that I would be a widow in my forties.  My friends can't relate and feel the need to comment on everything, even if they have no experience with grief.  I know they mean well but only we know what we are going though.See More
Mar 8
morgan replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely
"Elynn, I feel abandoned by everything and everybody. Period. Even with the people who try to console me. Its just not enough.   I cant seem to feel that this life is worth living for any length of time.    I go in and out of feeling…"
Mar 7
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Oh yes, Lisa.....the guilt.   The power of thinking that somehow we could have changed the outcome "if only".  Or that we are supposed to punish ourselves because that way we can feel better about the loss.  That something…"
Mar 3
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"PART 2--I’m still so very confused about how what I thought I had was so temporary.  He’s gone, he made some not so good choices and his body failed him at 63.  I’ve debated more times than I would like to admit doing…"
Feb 25

Profile Information

About my Loss:
I lost my beloved husband to stage 4 cancer January 21, 2013. He was diagnosed the day after Xmas 2012 and he didn't last even a month. I am devastated still and simply want to die.

Comment Wall (53 comments)

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At 8:03pm on April 19, 2019, Jennifer said…
Thanks Morgan for commenting on my profile page. Wow...What u described that u go through every day of every year is exactly how I feel. I lost my girlfriend/fiance of 5 years to suicide. I know without a doubt in my mind that she is my soul mate so when she left this world it felt like half of me died with her. Everyone blamed me because she was depressed and missed me while i was gone for a month visiting my kids in another state. I didnt come back home in time. Was it my fault? Yes it was and thats the prison sentence/punishment I have to live with for the rest of my life. I wake up every day dreading just gettin out of bed and enduring another day without my soul mate. The tears the crying sobbing always come without fail every day when i find myself alone so no one can see me cry. it will be 2 years in july and it feels like everyone around me expects me to just be over this so i walk around pretending i am ok put on a fake smile but deep down inside I am not okay. There are moments all the time when i think about quitting life the same way she did so I could finally be with her and ive come close too close to doing just that but something always stops me... My kids. I cant do that to them.... I wouldnt want my children to feel all this pain i feel now. Staying alive is my only option. It feels like a prison all of this misery and the loneliness...omg the loneliness is so heartwrenching i feel like its killing me slowly. I will never be the same again.
At 8:24am on January 21, 2019, Trina Mamoon said…
Dear morgan,
I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth very little; we continue living only because we do and not because we want to. I am sending you good thoughts and hope that you can make it through the day somehow.
I am in Bangladesh now, and it is already the 21st here, and I have been thinking of you since yesterday.
Hugs, Trina
At 6:53am on January 21, 2019, Brenda Ann said…

Dear Morgan,

You said, ”What the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.”  I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find an answers. 

I have found answers to these questions and many more big questions of life. Where I have found satisfying answer to the questions is on the www.jw.org website. A Bible writer said to God, ““Give me understanding . . . Your word is truth.”​—Psalm 119:144, 160. The Bible is providing answers for millions of people. Would you like to be one of them? The jw.org® website can help you.

At 12:39pm on December 26, 2018, Corinne C. Rico said…

Morgan, I didn't see your comment because I think I messed up posting my comment ontop of Jon-Pauls, I apolgize, new here and just getting to know how things work. I am not going to wish anyone Happy Holidays, or a Merry Christmas because I can see by reading everyones posts, we all felt the same.  Dreading New Years the most actually, my birthday and Christmas were brutal, but to welcome in a New Year?  Thank you for your understanding and relating to what I wrote.  I will continue to keep all of you, including myself in my daily prayers.

At 10:22pm on August 27, 2018, Linda said…

Dear Morgan, thank you so much for your kind and honest words.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, that alone gives me sustenance to get through another day.  Blessed be.  Linda

At 12:56pm on June 23, 2018, Mike H. said…

Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike

At 1:52am on April 20, 2018, Virginia G said…

Morgan,

thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

At 6:38am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

At 6:36am on January 27, 2018, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain

crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.   

At 1:52pm on December 13, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

Morgan's Blog

How long can I last?

to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was…

Continue

Posted on March 29, 2018 at 11:37pm — 3 Comments

Not sure Diana can help

Let's just ask ourselves. If John the Dragon is not grieving and is happy with the way his life has turned out then why is he on a site called "online grief support".

The word grief has definitions and does not seem to be a problem for John the Dragon. Lucky him and those who aren't grieving.  But the so called "support from someone who is not experiencing grief is awkward and uncomfortable for those of us who are experiencing…

Continue

Posted on January 18, 2017 at 11:12pm — 1 Comment

What losing my love has done to me

I haven’t been writing at all recently, going back as far as Stewart asking me to share what “project” I am doing to help me move forward form my husbands death three years ago.  I never got to answering him and many other things have happened in the interim.  The worst of which has overshadowed and colored everything else on my daily journey is they found my yongest brother, 56 years old, dead in his bed on March 28th

 

I can’t even begin to explain how another…

Continue

Posted on April 10, 2016 at 1:11pm — 1 Comment

Three years three months today

Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 2:03pm

 
 
 

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Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Sue, if we can ever answer any questions that you may have about what you are experiencing, please let us know. Everyone's story is different, but the feeling of loss that we all have is familiar. This is a group of people who understand."
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, it's amazing how the Lord took care of both you and your dad. As happy as I am for you, I think I may be even more happy for your dad. This gives him a reason to get up in the morning, and gives him someone to focus that lost love on. You…"
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Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you, I appreciate your message.  So glad you have you little daughter.  That is wonderful for her to be with your Dad.  Take care, will be thinking of you & your family.  "
5 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Guys my little girl has moved on with me now after spending 8 months at her maternal grand mother's place. Now me, my wife and my father lives together. My father who was alone after my mother's death has a new hope and motivation to live…"
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for loved ones who have lost someone to suicide

if you have lost someone by suicide post your thoughts here.
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Multiple Losses Group

I am creating this site for the many of us who have suffered several losses. I lost my mom, dad, grandma(2nd mom), grandpa, my beloved dog and divorce.Many of us have lost more than one person or event.Come share!See More
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Linda Engberg commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
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Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, I am so sorry.  I hope things are better for you & thank you for your message.  I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.  Take care & will be thinking of you,"
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Sue, I am so sorry. I know. Believe me, we know. And I wish that I could say something more. Something horrible happened to me today. The worst possible thing that could have happened, beyond losing my dog. I'm not sick or anything, but my…"
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dream moon JO B commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"iv loss lot of pepplee iv lovd dealy to big c iv got to say gud by to sum 1 iv new for ovf 36 yrs to big c im 44 im her oldeds nbor i am  iv lovd her dealyy still do i do iv lovd dead pepelel for yrs if no 1 gets it no 1 will only on hear thy do"
Tuesday
dream moon JO B commented on Jarvis's blog post After Death Communication
"iv smeltt beef gravyy on off lastt few dayss dad luvd beef he did evenn beef gravy he did lk his arond  iv learndd lots off spook churchh i ahv hav seertenn smellls let u no thy hear evn told me i need to slow get a/r in my body sortedd to lk i…"
Tuesday
dream moon JO B commented on dream moon JO B's group why me why us
"i no but i o to spirtt churchh i di it giv me ansersss it did ti  y told me to livmy life i do it did 1 of familyy cum trhu agan its tim i put m sf 1st iv pitnorhterts 1st for 2 long now tim to put me 1st"
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Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"This was my first holiday without my Mom.  She passed in March 2019.  Good Friday was rough.  I was looking forward to spending a long weekend with her.  Trying to stay busy, but I miss her so much.  Mornings are really bad…"
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M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks for thinking of me Avi — hope you’re doing well and enjoying your little girl.  This is the first Easter without my mother. Losing her has really changed things, it seems that she and I (and my husband) were the ones who…"
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