Losing Someone to Cancer

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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.

Members: 606
Latest Activity: Nov 7

Discussion Forum

Give yourself time to heal

Started by Felicia Evans May 8.

I feel worse 2 and a half years on, than I ever did. 7 Replies

Started by Michael Thompson. Last reply by Ginger Apr 17.

Still lost and broken 2 Replies

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Pamela philipp Jan 5.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on November 7, 2018 at 5:46am

Hi Michael,

I don't think women cope any better then men and I am living proof.  Each day I wake up and I am looking at another day in Hell. I still go through this world without any meaning except for my sweet dog Babie J. Now I am going through the same thing I did with My Husband, watching this sweet girl slowly die and again I will have to deal with another grief again. I know death is a part of life but I as a person can't deal with it and never will. 

Comment by Michael Thompson on November 6, 2018 at 3:13pm

When I married for the first time in 1992 to a most beautiful lady, this was my proud day, I felt a whole person with this beautiful lady by my side.

We had 22 years together, but she died of bowel cancer in 2014, she suffered for 11 months,

Now im alone, but always very much a loner, as she was, when we met in 1991, it was instant chemistry, but now grief and stress remain taking their toll. I am in a survival mode.

I look for reasons why this beautiful lady was taken from me, knowing people are enduring the same across the western world.

Death is part of life they tell me, so if death is part of life, what are we to learn from it.?

Are we to learn that our loved one, our best friend, our rock has indeed gone to a better place ?, another place ?, or are we to learn that there is nothing after life but eternal darkness, like a long sleep.?

I'm a thinking man, and trying to get my head round that life is a journey, not a destination....

I am trying really hard to feel better in myself as a man, I am told by older ladies that I meet who are in my situation, that women cope better than men.

But I do know that the suicide rate among men who lose their wives is far greater than it is among woman.

I am living the life of a recluse now, I have always been the quiet type, unless angered, I do wear my heart on my sleeve, my wife didnt, she was quiet charming and serine.


 

Comment by Michael Thompson on October 29, 2018 at 4:08am

Hi everyone, Well ive read all the responses and can relate to everyone of them.   Till' death you do part" was spoken by the clergy when I married my lovely wife in 1992, and we expected it to go on forever, we do lets be honest, but the other saying, "we never know what's round the corner", aint that the freekin' truth.   I feel half a person, half a man, lost, and alone.  There is no pleasure in anything anymore, if there's anything to be learned, it's not to take anything for granted, no matter how rocky a marriage might be, its the priceless togetherness of two people sharing life's problems, its an adventure.  When its gone, there is no going back, your on your own for the rest of your life.....When you lose your husband or your wife, your world changes because your situation has changed.  Nobody knows what to say to you, friends think everything is okay because you seem okay, but inside your not okay..Its a hellova lesson for them, when it happens to them.

I think im the only person on this site in the UK, im an English man.  My wife and I were married 22 years, and I dont know how to start again, because im a positive person in a negative situation.  A year after my wife died, I wrote an article to my local paper about cancer from the left behind spouses point of view and paid a tribute to my wife.  If anybody would like to read it, please email me at the following address, and I will send it as an email attachment.  michaelthompson533@btinternet.com

Sincerely

Michael Thompson   

Comment by ALEXIS on October 29, 2018 at 1:02am
Hi Michael,

I can definitely relate to feeling lost. It has been a little over 2 months since I lost my husband to complications from treatment for acute myeloid leukemia. I mostly feel numb and like a part of me is missing. I go to work, have added new things to my schedule as I am no longer spending most of my free time in doctors offices or hospitals but through all of it I just feel alone. I wish I could offer something that would make this better or a coping skill that could take away this horrible feeling but I can't. For myself I am trying to acknowledge how big a hole has been ripped into the fabric of my life. Just focusing on breathing through those awful moments of awareness and then picking myself up again and trying to go on. What I didn't realize is how exhausting this is. I don't think I have ever felt more tired in my life. Sending you good wishes.
Alexis
Comment by morgan on October 28, 2018 at 11:58pm

I think I can only add to this conversation by saying I am feeling so worn out.  So tired.  I have only enough energy everyday to do what I HAVE to do and find no joy in any any of it.  I guess you could say I am living in the past but the way I look at it is that I want to join my husband and he no longer lives here.  Am I busy?  Constantly.  Do I have longer periods without the excruciating meltdowns that have compromised my immune system?  Yes.  Does it matter?  No, none of it.
Why?  Because I cant live pretending that this reality is somehow fulfilling.  I had what I wanted.  I no longer need what is presented to me.  
I feel forced to continue living.  I am caring for a good friend to bring him back from the brink...I have restored three of four houses I bought doing so much with so little by being super creative.  But for what?  So i can pay bills.  Making money to pay bills.......when I used to do that I found a sense of self satisfaction, of challenge, joy, sharing with my husband every victory in turning trash to treasure.  Now I am empty.  No other reason to do this other than paying bills.
I don't really see an end to this futility of trying to rebuild the person who will find reason to live a full, happy life.  I have tried all the ways I know how and without my beloved I am not seeing any purpose.  Just tired of moving through space without him.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 28, 2018 at 3:35pm

Hi Michael

I can relate to everything you said. Lost my Husband to colon cancer in 2013 and have never been the same. I am half a person just wandering lost in this world. 

Comment by Michael Thompson on October 28, 2018 at 9:26am

Hi everyone, I cannot believe how fast time flies.  I lost my wife to bowel cancer in 2014, we were married 22 years.  I miss our rapport.  I miss the subtleties that come with marriage.  The interaction.  The stability.  I am a widower.  I feel lost.   I am empty.  I am desperately searching for answers to make some kind of sense of it all.   I realise anybody reading this will relate.  I look forward to all responses.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 28, 2018 at 7:13am

Hi Marilea,

So sorry for loss. It has been almost 6 years since I lost my Husband, I still think of him everyday. I will be honest with you and tell my grief is always with me. Time doesn't take the grief away but I am able to not function like a zombie anymore. Pray for the best for you.

Comment by Marilea on October 27, 2018 at 4:31pm
Hello everyone.
I'm new on this site and hope it will help with the greif.first let me say how sorry I am that each and everyone of you has lost a loved one to cancer.
My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer in October 2017 and passed away February 2018.
I was a huge daddy's girl for all of my 57 years of life. I miss him so much. Every minute of every day. I cry often and feel depressed at times. I live in Az and dont know if any of you live in my state to where we could meet and help with the grief.
It's very overwhelming most of the time.
Comment by Geri on September 17, 2018 at 3:44am

Hi Everyone,

This Friday 21st September will be our 27th wedding anniversary. It is my first without my husband and I've noticed my anxiety peaking and I'm back to waking every hour. Has anyone got any advice of how to cope with all the firsts? I'm trying to do one day at a time but struggling with thoughts of Christmas and his birthday.

I miss him with such a heaviness and longing in my heart that I am unable to breathe when I cry now. I feel grief is taking me backwards where I'm questioning, bargaining and reverting to being angry again. Still questioning my purpose, why him and not me.

 

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Lisa is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
2 minutes ago
Billy Jo Colt commented on Pamela philipp's blog post I need advice
"Hi Pamela, I can understand your situation as you aretorn between two worlds. Your daughter in her own way is trying to help you with your grieving process. She thinks that her way is the only way through your grief. It is also a confrontation you…"
3 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Brett Your words give me hope that I will be with my mom someday. This is enough motivation to live.  Virginia, sometimes we do feel that God has done lot of injustice to us but if you look around there are people who suffer lot more than…"
4 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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7 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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9 hours ago
morgan commented on Pamela philipp's blog post I need advice
"Pamela, I may not be the best person to respond because U can get kind of feisty `but i am going to anyhow.  I will be at six years in January.  I have pictures of my husband all over my house.  I am still slowly going through boxes I…"
11 hours ago
Virginia G posted a discussion

What’s the point

Whats the point of living if there’s no happiness?  If you don’t care about anything except being with the person you lost...if everything is meaningless...if you can’t stand the pain or the numbness...if you don’t belong anywhere..if everything feels wrong...if you have no idea what to do about it...if you can’t get through the daySee More
12 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There’s no joy without her and I wouldn’t want any. its the only answer"
12 hours ago
Pamela philipp posted a blog post

I need advice

I have been very stressed and upset my daughter came back to my house for a while until she and her family gets on their feet which is not the problem the problem is she has made me get all the things that are important to me out of the house and put in the garage pictures mementos etc. because she thinks that I need to move on she said because it has been three years and she does not understand how she is upsetting me I don't want to be in this house like this anymore how do I make her…See More
16 hours ago
Denise Lavoie left a comment for Pamela philipp
"Hi everyone Scotishbrat here. We had our 1st snowfall Thursday. If Ron was here we would be out making a snowman laughing and throwing snowballs at each other.We did everything together.When he passedl felt so lost I still do its like half of me is…"
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe & Bluebird, Thanks for sharing you thoughts mine are exactly the same. I hate that I have to go on in this world. I have friends that our dying of cancer, I would trade places with them if I could. To endure my feelings I drink at least 6…"
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, you so often end your posts with something ominous. You are trying to say something and it is coming across loud and clear. Don't wish yourself dead. Try to live while you're alive. Find joy where you can. Never give up."
Saturday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Some songs have popped into my head for no reason but that are appropriate.  I don’t even listen to the radio anymore so it’s not like I heard them recently.  I wasn’t trying to think of songs either.  First it was I…"
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I love the Doors. Jim Morrison is just the coolest. And I love that song. It's about feeling alone in a crowd. I can relate. Virginia, why would God tell you that you deserve to be alone? I think it is quite the opposite. You are telling…"
Saturday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I am realizing the only people that truly love me are my family. So how am I expected to live without them?"
Saturday
bluebird replied to Kristen Harlow's discussion Feeling alone
"I agree, that is a big step. You should be proud of yourself for being able to take that step. ((((Hugs))))"
Saturday
Fran left a comment for Denise Lavoie
"Hello Scottishbrat. I just passed the 4 year mark of losing my husband. With him I felt complete. Now I just seem to be in limbo. I don't remember what  hobbies I used to enjoy. My life had been taking care of him and the 2 wonderful…"
Friday
Denise Lavoie commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi my name is scotishbrat this will be my 3rd holiday season with out my love.It is so hard to do anything.l have crying spells that are so intense it feels like l am going to die.Once l stary it could go on for hours and then l feel completely…"
Friday
Kristen Harlow replied to Kristen Harlow's discussion Feeling alone
"Such a good question. No, probably not. I've finally come to the place where I have accepted that I have to accept it's over. That feels like a big step."
Friday
bluebird replied to Kristen Harlow's discussion Feeling alone
"That is a lot of shit to deal with, all at once. It's good your sister is ok now.  If the man who you feel is your best friend and the love of your life were to come back now, do you think you would be ready to be with him now?"
Friday

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