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Comment by Courtney Boyke on August 12, 2017 at 12:40pm

Hello, Sorry for your loss.

In June my grandmother who was more like my mom than anything also a bestfriend. My family has been staying in her home because the home we were in was just falling apart and my kids were constantly sick from it. Anyways one night after a long day with kids and being outside we were watching a movie with the kids and my grandmother was taking a well needed bath after her day in the garden i noticed that it seamed longer than normal so my husband suggested to check up. when i had walked in i called for her notifying i was walking in like normal. throw the crack in the bathroom door from her bedroom door i saw her face in water... i called to my husband to call 911 and as a CNA i got her out and did CPR. while working on her my husband sets the phone next to me with the dispatcher coaching me and i kept telling her please keep telling me it was helping me focus and idk how long it was my husband said 10min but if felt like longer working on her and when they did arrive i had passed her along to them and they continued for 30min i collapsed after they got her and hooked her up to a hart monitor i couldn't move for awhile until a sheriff came over and helped me up and over the bed to get out. I still blink and close my eyes and see it all over, dreaming is blocked out i don't remember anything but knowing it wasn't good. someone speaks about it i flinch and feel sick. she wasn't unhealthy their was no issues that would make us think she would just go like that. I'm trying my best to be a mother and wife but its hard when i don't always have the ability mentally to do it all the time. I do it don't worry about that i know i can and i do and maybe my kids and husband is just keeping me going but more on things that i have done and know i have to even though i don't feel i have been patient enough

Comment by Jen on August 11, 2017 at 2:36pm

Hi Jennifer, I'm new here, but just wanted to reach out to say I'm very sorry for your loss.
I lost my partner of 12 years at the end of June. He wasn't sick at all. He got up one morning and within 15 minutes stopped breathing. I had to give him cpr for 10 minutes until the ambulance came and they did it for another 10 until they got him back. He never woke up and died in intensive care 2 days later.
I understand the trauma and flashbacks that you are facing, it will ease a little with time. I spent the first month blaming myself that I didn't call the ambulance quick enough or didn't do the cpr properly to bring him back.
I couldn't face my living room I redecorated the whole thing so I would stop seeing him lying on my sofa or floor slipping away from me. I had to make it look different, silly I guess but it has helped me a little.
Try not to focus on the trauma and the specific details of his passing.
Just remember the love you shared and the beautiful family you made together.
My words probably don't help much as I'm pretty much still a mess myself. But sending you big hugs and all the positivity that I can muster. Take care of yourself and your little ones x

Comment by Jennifer on August 11, 2017 at 7:59am

Theresa thank you. My husband was not sick either really. He had surgery 2 months before. He died of a blood clot that stopped his heart. Technically the doctors call it a heart attack caused by blood clot. He was healing well after surgery, it was like he got a new breath of life. Then without warning, he was dead.

Comment by Theresa on August 11, 2017 at 5:44am

Jennifer to add my mom wasn't sick in the hospital, she went in cardiac arrest upon arrival to the hospital and I was on my way I got there immediately after and I have to live with that the rest of my life.

Comment by Theresa on August 11, 2017 at 5:43am

Jennifer, I am in the same situation as you but with my mom, one minute I was talking to her and the next they tell me she is in full cardiac arrest, I remember everything the drs the nurses, the room, the machines, watching them do chest compressions, and then the dr looking at me and saying do you want us to continue this, it awful and then I went into a fog for one year.

Comment by Jennifer on August 10, 2017 at 8:49pm

I lost my husband last month.  One minute I was talking to him and less than 5 minutes later he was dead.  When I found him I knew he was dead but I hoped I or the paramedics or the hospital could bring him back.   The entire day plays over and over in my head.  The way he looked, what his last breath sounded like, the dull thud of the defibrillator as they tried to bring him back.  The ride to the hospital, the waiting room.  Seeing him after they told me there was nothing more they could do, with the machines and wires and his lifeless eyes.  I try to recall a happy memory but the images of that day keep coming back.  The sounds, the smells the faces.  I know sometimes I am still in shock as I sit here and just can not comprehend that he is gone.  It just doesn't make sense.   A world without him doesn't make any sense.  

Comment by Theresa on June 18, 2017 at 5:19am

It just gets "softer" he will always be in your heart.

I think about my mom every single day and its been 1 1/2 yrs

I call it my new life

Comment by Melissa Malone on June 18, 2017 at 12:55am

Lost my husband April 30th.  I was supposed to go first as I had 2 hospital stays in less than 2 months. Wade found me unresponsive and I ended up on a ventilator in ICU. Wade has almost never been sick. I find him unresponsive and he basically died in route to hospital. I miss him terribly. I feel that my heart is broken and my soul shattered. I can't sleep or eat. I've lost 20 lbs since he passed. Does this pass at some point?

Comment by A. Buyten on May 16, 2017 at 6:48pm

Thank you Jackie!

Good words! Dance! I have been refreshed from my girlfriends sudden passing of 4+ years ago. By the love of my now girlfriend that I have known for 10 years. It is good I am able to carry on. I have never stopped loving my girl that passed. I still cry, I miss her, and feel incomplete in a way. But it has subsided and that is good in the way of feeling less anxiety, so that is easier for me to live a fuller life day to day. So like you said "Dance" and dance when you can. Smiles!

Comment by nicole rae on May 16, 2017 at 2:23pm

in my suicide support group its called "getting used to the new normal" its taking one day at a time. concentrating on one moment at a time is all we can do.

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