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Comment by Carlyn Jorgensen on October 18, 2017 at 5:38pm

Tomorrow would have been my honorary little brother Rick's 30th birthday. It's going to be a very difficult day for me. However, I will honor his memory by going to a local bar with some friends and toasting his life. I'd love to be in Boston for his birthday, but that is not financially possible. So, I'll celebrate with my friends down here in Ft. Lauderdale. 

Comment by Michaela waldier on October 16, 2017 at 2:54pm

Well, the finality of it all has set in;recieved my hunni's ashes and death cert finally from Alaska.He's been gone 9 weeks. Im no longer angry,im moving towards finding a happy medium, didnt have the luxery of laying around in defeat,have to be strong for our 3year old..spread a little of the ashes around our motorhome today..will do a fire ritual tonight and pour the ashes over it..i will forever miss him but i feel strong enough to let myself heal

Comment by julia shvekky on October 15, 2017 at 3:16am

We lost our only child six months ago, she was 22 when she was killed through no fault of her own in a crash.  Someone lost control of his car and went head on into her.  She died instantly thank god.  Has anyone else experienced the sudden loss of an only child?  Its getting harder as the realisation is sinking in.  

Comment by Crystal K on October 13, 2017 at 3:54pm

Thanks Stewart. I know I couldn't have known she was gonna die. Nobody did.  I try to tell myself that on my bad days. But grief is a funny thing. We know that our thoughts are irrational and doesnt' make sense, but we can't help feeling that way.    The what ifs wont change anything,. as much as I wish it did.   Maybe I couldn't have saved her, maybe she would've died a day or a week later. Who knows.. but that thought will always be in the back of my mind...  Even if I had her for only a month more, it would've been worth it...  Thank you for what you said, it kinda put things in perspective a little bit.   I try to tell myself everyday it isn't my fault.   Hopefully, one day I'll even believe it. 

Comment by stewart p on October 12, 2017 at 8:50pm

Crystal, sorry to hear about you mum.  I can say from my own experience, would of, should of, could of is not worth the time and energy it takes to ponder.  Just ask yourself if what you did or think you didn't do you then, did you do any of it with the intention to harm or hurt her?  Someone said to me once  I did the best I knew how at the time and it isnt fair to myself to go back and 2nd guess myself now because what I know now I didn't know then.  And secondly, even if you had anything different and maybe had bought some time, there is now way you will ever know what might have happened the next day, or the next.  Somehow we we want to believe we have control over life and death and we don't.  Im sorry if this sounds a little blunt but I know first hand I beat myself up for a long time with those thoughts and at the end of the day the truth is there is no way I know had I done anything different that something else wouldn't have taken her the next hour or day. 

Comment by Crystal K on October 12, 2017 at 6:00pm

Lost my mom suddenly three months ago. She had kidney failure but was hospitalized for a foot infection and found out she had end stage heart failure and died from it within a week. I feel angry at everything and everyone.  I blame myself for her death. Was her caregiver but didn't do a great job of it.  Wholeheartedly believe she would still be here if I had taken her to the hospital sooner. Life fees empty. I don't enjoy things anymore. I'm angry at my family. at myself. Don't know how I can go on.

Comment by dream moon JO B on October 8, 2017 at 4:28pm

me 2 bean hear 5 yrs 

so mush loss sisne 2012 im so not me i am not 

2017 im so even mor mest up coz of bad thngs haping i am

Comment by stewart p on October 8, 2017 at 3:29pm

Nearly 5 years coming up and not much new to say.  Use to post on here a lot the first couple of years, notice a lot of new faces, Id say welcome but this isn't the sort of place you want to come to, more out of quiet desperation or need.  This is the  "new normal" and it does not seem to get better, change or go away with time, I just get more acquainted with it, it becomes a more familiar face to have around each day.   I think one just gets use to it and learns to live with it's constant companionship of that loss of love we once knew.  I have to admit I feel somewhat cheated, sudden unexpected losses leave no room to make amends and such which continue to haunt my life everyday.  Then I came across this poetic verse and oh the pain of what we could of should of would of reminds me of who I am and who I am not.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMVrViMFeuc

Be sure to follow the lyrics

Comment by Michaela waldier on October 8, 2017 at 12:22pm

Hello everyone,I'm new to the group,am so sorry for everyone's loss. I am finding we all deal with things the best we can, there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve,it's all very personal. I lost my hunni 8 weeks ago tommorrow and Monday's are never easy to deal with.i am blessed to have a very busy 3 yo that helps keep me focused on being as whole as I can so I help him heal since we both were in the house when my love shot himself..i didn't have any warning other than him saying,"i am so very sorry, I love You."that was it. The next Thing was the shotgun blast.ill spare you the details of everything next,I guess I just didn't know how strong I could be until that was all I had left

Comment by Carlyn Jorgensen on September 13, 2017 at 2:50pm

I got a new phone recently. While transferring my contacts over, I had a moment where I debated whether or not to bring my "little brother" Rick's number over. Even though I know he'll never answer his phone again, I can't bring myself to delete his number yet. Maybe in time, but I'm just not ready. Anyone else dealing with this right now?

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