To all,

I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands death.

Whether it is even the whole truth of where I am I am not sure as we all know our state of mind can be so conflicted.  But since I haven't had much energy to write here lately I thought I could try to contribute with this………

******

"""I sit here today reflecting…….my brain in overdrive thinking, thinking about loss.

How devastatingly incomprehensible is loss.  For to have loss we must have had attachment.  But then isn’t that what we are supposed to do?  Have attachment?

We have it for every good and bad thing in our life.  We attach, each of us choose certain things to attach to.  It could be something as important as family and friends or something as inconsequential as jewelry and nice clothes. But we attach or shall I say we ascribe significance to it. 

Think of the possibilities in every day we have the choice of attaching to.  Food.  A means of transportaion. Another person.  Work.  Sport. Even less visceral more surreal positions of mind like justice or equality or religion. But we attach to them.  Even down to the vibration of a note, we attach a lot of signficance sometime to a certain type of music. 

So where am I going with this?   What’s my point?

I think it comes back round to a day three years ago today that I lost everything.  To me, my husband was everything. Never having had children I poured everything I had into one something.  Him.  He was embodied in me.  Our home was nice and comforting but I have since come to undertand that it’s not about location.  It’s only a house until there are people who occupy it with love and then it is a home.  Family, good friends.   We can drive in a fancy car, talk on a smarter-than-us phone and work ourselves to exhaustion but it is only significant when we finally attach to those who love us.  Family, friends.  Those who we love are always at the end point of that line of “getting there” of attachment. 

It’s why loss is so profound.  I can’t know if having had children would have made this three year journey any different.  Less exhausting.   I do know I have felt that no matter what others may have tried to do for me I still felt abandoned.  As though there is nothing in my life that will fill the gap.  A huge void.  I have tried valiantly to fill it.  I lost a 24/7 connection to the one thing I had built my life on.  With as many good choices as I can draw upon now I have limited energy to do so.  I use retail therapy as my bulwark.  I have rehabbed a couple homes and with my guardian angel's help I have provided myself more time to push myself away from loss.  And I have not made all good choices.  I have pushed most people away.  I have practiced self harm in the form of starving myself.  Those are the “not so good choices.”  I have no faith so I have turned to the universe and studied all I can understand about the mechanics of how we have come to be here on this small blue dot.  How our brains seemingly make decisions without any real influence from within at times.  How we live this life out in a schematic of such a large, grand, finely tuned design. 

I’m stll so very confused about how what I thought I had was so temporary.  He’s gone, he made some not so good choices and his body failed him.  I’ve debated more times than I would like to admit doing something that would lead me to the same outcome.  It’s not courage.  It’s not pain.  I’m not sure there is even a reason.  But I still breathe.  And because I breathe I need to make enough money to stay warm, hopefully in a house, and eat when I feel the urge.  I continue to push myself in what society deems as an acceptable, normal manner and it is a daily struggle.  Daily. 

Death is a whole separate level of dealing with life’s adversities and I can only assume we are here to meet the person we were born to be…..our inner selves  Some of us want to meet our inner selves more than others.  I believe we can only do so as much as our brains will allow us to do, and for each of us that is an individual daily struggle.  I’ve met my match shaking hands with death.  It’s been the worst time in my life. Struggling to participate in a universe that I don’t live in anymore but I’ve tried. …. tried to find my inner self.   My success is only seen by me.  I am, my only judge, jury and executioner. 

Life is not the bowl of cherries we expound in our most positive moments.  It is picking our way through the pits, the pitfalls,  and taking a deep breath when you find a cherry.  Cherries change though.  Fuckin cherries don’t all grow the same.  Some can be bitter.  Or rotten.  Or full of bugs.

All of this is just to say that I am sorry.  I am sorry about how life treats us.  What the hell is the universe trying to accomplish throwing us into a stinkin bowl of cherries knowing full well what is in there.  I’m tired, exhausted actually.  I keep swimming aganst the tsunami of stinkin cherries.  I don’t feel much love.  No pill, no pot, no drink, nothing can give me back what I had.  But I still stand.  And, I guess, for as long as I do, I need to do what I can to seek out the least bitter cherry I can manage the energy to eat. 

It’s a fucked up world.  My husband knew it when he was alive and I am assuming he is still trying to keep me from the worst of it even while leaving me alone to have to face it myself.  I’m doing the best I know how and can.  I’m trying not to let it beat me to a pulp.  It hasn’t been easy.  In fact, this has probably been the hardest time in my life that I have had to beat anything back and not succumb.  You find out where the support in your life truly comes from, within and without.

Take a look at your life.  What is important.  Really important.  (a loaded word).  The brain is full of tricks and subterfuge.  Dig.  Dig deep.  Clear the clutter.  Stop the pretension.  I have found the smallest teeniest light to help me in building the rainbow that my husband left me with.  I haven’t given in yet.  But if you are reading this and not getting some kind of revelation then his death for me is in vain.  Do it for yourselves.  That’s all I ask.  Spend more time with the important stuff and less with the crap.  

So today I grieve heavily.  Of course tomorrow I may very well grieve just the same, as my personal burden of loss seems overwhelmingly heavy.  But I wish upon the very same stars from which we came that somehow, some way each of us channels more of the energy of light not of darkness.  Me too.  I know that as much as what I perceive my own value to be nothing without Greg, I am still a light that appears in the sky.  The most I can say is I keep trying to shine as brightly as I can.  For that I deserve credit and I will take it for what it is worth as it is only upon myself for which I build the rainbow.""""

Morgan

Views: 172

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Himmorgan, I have just found and read this am I in bits, it's 6 weeks since my world came to an end and I still finding it hard to just keep breathing everyday let alone function as a person. I to have no children, I don't really have anyone, I have brothers and my mum is still alive and helps me but she is 78 and I won't get upset in front of her as she can't cope with it.

I don't really have any friends, I know people through work, but no one close. I suppose we never needed anyone else, we lived together, worked together and loved it for 36 years. We never got bored of being together, always had something to say to each other. Now all iv got is memories and silence, no one to tell about my pain, how wonderful my life was before.

The fact you are still in so much pain 3 years later scares me, all I hear is give it time, it will get better, but you are proof that it doesn't. I have never kissed, held or even looked at anyone else, we were together from when I was 16, so how will I ever be able to cope alone.

What I'm finding hard is I know people have died of a broken heart, well my heart couldn't be any more broken, so why am I still here. I don't want to be, I'm no use to anyone. I can't kill myself as it would finish my mum off, but I don't even know if that is a good enough reason to carry on with this non existence.

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I still can't see pics and nothing back from ninja yet."
18 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Our last trip together, cruise to the Bahamas. What a great memory."
18 hours ago
dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"sinse goin  to spookss spirtt churchhss it seams to  get me comfott it dz i dt frs fewa; feal alonee i do not not iv sean  peplee in tears ti i do bt so omftin ido not get told how i…"
yesterday
Addie commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"I had a relationship with someone for 5 years. I am married, and wasn't ready to leave my husband. So this man and I met infrequently (every month or 2) and talked a lot through text, but I felt like we had a very close bond. He finally told me…"
Thursday
Addie joined Cathy Richardson's group
Thumbnail

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
Thursday
Profile IconAddie and Donald Perry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Thursday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"How do you guys have your settings?  I didn't have a problem before a couple of days ago."
Wednesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I can't see the pics still but glad you guys can.  I sent a message to ninja  to check if I have a setting wrong.  I have pics to be seen by friends set.  I have 750 pics of Her (from about aged two till days before She left…"
Wednesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife, the love of your life, is BEAUTIFUL! And it does seem like it was destiny that brought the two of you together. Beautiful story of the two of you meeting for the first time. Like Linda says, we have to be grateful that God sent us…"
Wednesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife is beautiful. We just have to so blessed for God sending us our soulmates."
Wednesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"She was sent to save me.  There was a fate of that.  Too many coincidences to be otherwise.  I was born to a terrible family relationship in one State and She was born to a good stable family relationship.  We both moved to a…"
Wednesday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Everyone,  Thanks for the cudos. I know every one of us is trying to cope with the loss of our Beloved Spouses. I too cannot do the things we shared and that's just about everything. Our likes were the same, so the only thing I did…"
Wednesday
Profile IconMary and Leane joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Wednesday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.…"
Wednesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Thanks for your encouraging words."
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule: "My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Marita,  I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again.…"
Tuesday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! "
Tuesday
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too…"
Tuesday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"WOW, that's great! "
Tuesday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service