Mel Royer
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  • Roanoke, VA
  • United States
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The Worst Pain of all
2 Replies

As I approach the 3rd year without my lady, I thank my God for the gift of the 24 years I had with her in marriage and then sti down and let the knife stabbing burn ing pain from hell soak through my…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Dennis C. Feb 23.

Signs from the other side
1 Reply

Much like my dear, Nancy made her apparition appear to me last July, this past week she made her presence clear with a strong scent of her favorite perfume, "White Diamonds".  I have never smelled as…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by rachel_micele May 26, 2017.

REQUIEM
4 Replies

On this bright and early morning of Black Friday, when I have already been up since 1:30.I still ponder the pointlessness of it all.  I post this little ditty about my feelings on the…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Maxey Nov 29, 2016.

A Visit!
2 Replies

Like everyone on this site, I have been going through hell since my wife passed away, April 29th, 2015.  The past few weeks it has gotten worse until last night.  It was the middle of the night and,…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Shoresh Jul 28, 2016.

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Mel Royer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Since Nancy has passed on, Everyone has always told me, "get out of that house".  Actually, the last thing I wanted to ever do...but at last, I turned the corner and accepted an offer on the house I spent 26 years living in with…"
Sep 13
Dennis C. replied to Mel Royer's discussion The Worst Pain of all
"I am so very sorry. I can’t even imagine what your pain is like. My wife has battled cancer 6 times and we thought we were going to lose her on more than one occasion. I have suffered several difficult losses but at least I still have my…"
Feb 23
Mel Royer posted a discussion

The Worst Pain of all

As I approach the 3rd year without my lady, I thank my God for the gift of the 24 years I had with her in marriage and then sti down and let the knife stabbing burn ing pain from hell soak through my body. It never gets better. This pain is worse than any physical pain and this pain never...never goes away. The tears that burn the eyes rain down on a regular and daily basis and my suicidal thinking is ramping up.I told my counselor. I just can't take this pain anymore. Of course, he replied,…See More
Feb 22
Mel Royer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan is indeed eloquent...I also often think of a song written by Leonard Cohen which works quite well in the context of our misery and our desperate searching to be rid of it. .  "Then draw us near and bind us tight....all your children…"
Dec 30, 2017
Mel Royer left a comment for Nancy
"As my third year alone approaches on April 29th, there is no peace. I miss Nancy more than ever and the only thing that makes living tolerable is my belief that I WILL see her again in the next life. As far as living today...I always told My Nancy…"
Dec 30, 2017
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Letter to My Nancy #602 one of my daily letters to my lady

I began writing one of these each day, beginning December 2015 to ease my grief and start each day with some hope and joy. The hope and joy would last for awhile and then I would be back in the throes of deep, dark misery. I recommend these emails that are never sent as excellent therapy. I have written 602 of them in the 2 and  a half years since I lost my Nancy. Here is today's letter to Nancy. Letter to My Nancy  602   Sun., Oct 15th, 2017   without youGood Sun afternoon my other half. My…See More
Oct 15, 2017

Profile Information

About Me:
Retired and former radio broadcaster working as
I can freelance from my home
About my Loss:
My wife had a stroke in Feb 2013. In April 2015
she died in my arms. I continue to experience extreme difficulty dealing with it. Apart from a PT Aide, I was her sole caregiver and this death was not expected.

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Mel Royer's Blog

Letter to My Nancy #602 one of my daily letters to my lady

I began writing one of these each day, beginning December 2015 to ease my grief and start each day with some hope and joy. The hope and joy would last for awhile and then I would be back in the throes of deep, dark misery. I recommend these emails that are never sent as excellent therapy. I have written 602 of them in the 2 and  a half years since I lost my Nancy. Here is today's letter to Nancy. 



Letter to My Nancy …

Continue

Posted on October 15, 2017 at 2:42pm

Deleted "Barrel" Verse

Didn't mean to startle anyone. I didn't realize when I removed the "How long is the barrel"  blog it would remove all the posts as well.  At any rate, In the eloquently phrased words of Morgan, this is not a perfect world and that's when I realized Nancy would have none of this at all...so, right off the table it went. Now.I will join the "walk" and continue with everyone else here, walking together no matter how much of a bitch it may seem to be. The only other option is probably not the…

Continue

Posted on December 29, 2016 at 3:10pm — 3 Comments

After watching an amazing short film "Paper Memories", Google search for it,...it's worth it! Especially for us!

I wrote this after watching "Paper Memories". Nothing spectacular, the poem not the film, but after rummaging through some photos of my own, Nancy and I, I could see a sort of parallel.

Oh, But could an old photograph or two bless these, our weary souls that worry still.. and then extinguish all breath which remains to place us at last, together again.

Posted on June 23, 2016 at 11:00am

A couple of verses...for what they're worth!

I wrote a couple of verses describing the rending, pillaging of the soul that is the only thing grief can offer us. 

"Here as time runs, endlessly, shore to shore then back again, waves of despair to never end, to never resolve and close upon  this terrible span of days.”  

and then-

"Bleaker shadows keeping vigil in the corners of my room, expressing deeper sorrow, shedding tears of deeper gloom.” 

Posted on April 20, 2016 at 9:03am

Comment Wall (7 comments)

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At 6:23am on December 30, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Mel,my wife also died in my arms and her death was not expected she had a severe reaction to immune therapy and was put at our request in palative care where her our whole family was there when she passed I layers in bed and held her talking and telling her I love her now I keep reliving it even though at the time it was comforting.My son is a manager of food and restaurants at hotel Roanoke my daughter and soninlaw are teachers there . My son also worked in radio in Florida and did STAND up comedy .So next time I go I'll let you know I think it would be helpful to share our stories about the wives we loved so much.
At 3:58pm on December 29, 2016, Carl accomando said…
Mel ,just got back from Roanke was visiting children and grandkids for Christmas just lost my beautiful wife last month to cancer after 43 years of marriage its so hard to go on like this I went to Virginia at their insistance my wife would be angrey if I did not spend the holiday with our grandkids they were here life. But it was so hard everything reminded me of her well I did some painting in my granddaughters room and saw a picture of her and my wife well I lost it went to the bathroom and grief my eyes out both kids 8 and 11 came in and hugged me and gave me tissues I thought to myself I should be comforting them so I said to myself I have to go on for them they can't lose 2 grandparents because I like you want to be with my wife and thought hard about it .Well as much pain as I'm in I can't put them through that so here I am back home in NC .Im going to move to Roanoke but can't right now we planned on it but she got cancer .So maybe sometime in the future we can get together and talk about it I go there about 1 a month.Take care I know what your feeling
At 11:20am on November 13, 2016, Michael said…
Mel
Your comments are appreciated. I cared for my wife for 15 years until she died a month ago. Im lost and beaten. I would have cared for her forever.
At 5:14am on April 6, 2016, SAMIRA said…
Thank you Mel
At 7:24pm on November 18, 2015, morgan said…

Mel,

As we all read about each others struggles we try to offer any consoling words so we can feel that someone else doesn't have to suffer like we are.  And yet, we all know that there is nothing that really removes the pain. We just temporarily feel as though someone else has taken on an equal or worse burden because they have shared with us their pain.

As the time passes our physical/emotional situation changes.  The early time is just sheer desperateness recognizing that we cannot understand why we aren't dead too.  We certainly feel like it.  And that time goes on much longer than we anticipate.  I didn't come out of my own personal fog for at least a year and half almost up to the two year mark.  I was so fragile.  I couldn't make sense of anything and my mind was going wild.  At this point I am slowly seeing through the fog a bit but I am no less missing him.

Whatever you do don't expect too much of yourself.  For a long time you will be taking very very small steps.  You wont believe that you could be this crippled and yet you are.  There is no changing that part of it.  No one but the rest of us can understand that.  

I'm not going to say it is going to get a lot better quickly.  I can only say all of us are walking beside you and each of us are trying to manage what we can do on a moment to moment basis and there is nothing more we can expect.  It will change. The desperation of it will subside a bit,  enough to give you a bit more time when you aren't falling repeatedly into the hole.  The only thing that will allow that is the suffering you are going through now.

I wish I had a more positive perspective on it but this is how it has been for me. I can only hope your suffering is lessened by small diversions that relieve the whirl of your mind for longer periods of time.  

Take care.  We are with you in spirit.

At 4:19pm on October 27, 2015, Fran said…

She was lucky to have you! How many men would have run the other way?!

Our problem as the "survivor" is how do we move on? I know my husband wanted me to be happy again. He even talked to me about "finding someone new". I just couldn't get it thru his thick skull that I wanted him more than any amount of money and there was no way I would want to find someone new...no one would measure up....I am trying to do things that he would be happy about. I'm trying not to just wallow in self-pity and not be negative all the time, but it's hard. When someone asks "what do you want?", my answer is my old life back...I want Bill!.

And I've heard that year 2 is worse than year 1. God help us!

At 10:04am on October 27, 2015, Fran said…

Mel,

I wish I could tell you it gets easier. I'm a week away from the first year "anniversary" of my husband's death. He survived 8 months after being diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. 8 long months of chemo and radiation and pain off the scale. I was his caregiver and glad to. I was a nurse, by trade, so knew the mechanicals of all the "hands on" stuff, but it was soooo different taking care of him. Different than when I had taken care of my parents before they died. 

I have had my eyes opened over the past, on how much he did for me/us. How much I relied on him. Even tho he was gone alot traveling for work, he was in near constant contact. We were a team. Didn't always see eye to eye, but we complemented each other by filling in and doing what the other didn't. We made a whole. Now he's gone and I'm left to try to fend for myself. I get panic attacks when I have to make decisions. I have 2 adult children who live with me, and they help, but it isn't the same. 

I felt a little better during the summer, when I could be outside and be somewhat warmed by the sun and doing gardening things...now, it feels like the world is dying again...I've never been a good cold weather person.

I have no words of wisdom for you. Just know that you are not alone in how you feel.

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Profile IconTracey and Lisa joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
22 minutes ago
Billy Jo Colt commented on Pamela philipp's blog post I need advice
"Hi Pamela, I can understand your situation as you aretorn between two worlds. Your daughter in her own way is trying to help you with your grieving process. She thinks that her way is the only way through your grief. It is also a confrontation you…"
3 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Brett Your words give me hope that I will be with my mom someday. This is enough motivation to live.  Virginia, sometimes we do feel that God has done lot of injustice to us but if you look around there are people who suffer lot more than…"
4 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, do you think I feel any joy right now? I don't. But I think about how much my mom loved me and how much it would hurt her if i harmed myself. She could not have led a happy life if she knew that was in my future. She would have held…"
7 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird,   I always feel a spiritual kinship with what you write.  You were the first person here who when I started reading who was honest and told it like it was.  That hasn't changed and I truly believe that if anyone outside…"
10 hours ago
morgan commented on Pamela philipp's blog post I need advice
"Pamela, I may not be the best person to respond because U can get kind of feisty `but i am going to anyhow.  I will be at six years in January.  I have pictures of my husband all over my house.  I am still slowly going through boxes I…"
11 hours ago
Virginia G posted a discussion

What’s the point

Whats the point of living if there’s no happiness?  If you don’t care about anything except being with the person you lost...if everything is meaningless...if you can’t stand the pain or the numbness...if you don’t belong anywhere..if everything feels wrong...if you have no idea what to do about it...if you can’t get through the daySee More
12 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There’s no joy without her and I wouldn’t want any. its the only answer"
13 hours ago
Pamela philipp posted a blog post

I need advice

I have been very stressed and upset my daughter came back to my house for a while until she and her family gets on their feet which is not the problem the problem is she has made me get all the things that are important to me out of the house and put in the garage pictures mementos etc. because she thinks that I need to move on she said because it has been three years and she does not understand how she is upsetting me I don't want to be in this house like this anymore how do I make her…See More
17 hours ago
Denise Lavoie left a comment for Pamela philipp
"Hi everyone Scotishbrat here. We had our 1st snowfall Thursday. If Ron was here we would be out making a snowman laughing and throwing snowballs at each other.We did everything together.When he passedl felt so lost I still do its like half of me is…"
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe & Bluebird, Thanks for sharing you thoughts mine are exactly the same. I hate that I have to go on in this world. I have friends that our dying of cancer, I would trade places with them if I could. To endure my feelings I drink at least 6…"
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, you so often end your posts with something ominous. You are trying to say something and it is coming across loud and clear. Don't wish yourself dead. Try to live while you're alive. Find joy where you can. Never give up."
Saturday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Some songs have popped into my head for no reason but that are appropriate.  I don’t even listen to the radio anymore so it’s not like I heard them recently.  I wasn’t trying to think of songs either.  First it was I…"
Saturday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I love the Doors. Jim Morrison is just the coolest. And I love that song. It's about feeling alone in a crowd. I can relate. Virginia, why would God tell you that you deserve to be alone? I think it is quite the opposite. You are telling…"
Saturday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I am realizing the only people that truly love me are my family. So how am I expected to live without them?"
Saturday
bluebird replied to Kristen Harlow's discussion Feeling alone
"I agree, that is a big step. You should be proud of yourself for being able to take that step. ((((Hugs))))"
Saturday
Fran left a comment for Denise Lavoie
"Hello Scottishbrat. I just passed the 4 year mark of losing my husband. With him I felt complete. Now I just seem to be in limbo. I don't remember what  hobbies I used to enjoy. My life had been taking care of him and the 2 wonderful…"
Friday
Denise Lavoie commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi my name is scotishbrat this will be my 3rd holiday season with out my love.It is so hard to do anything.l have crying spells that are so intense it feels like l am going to die.Once l stary it could go on for hours and then l feel completely…"
Friday
Kristen Harlow replied to Kristen Harlow's discussion Feeling alone
"Such a good question. No, probably not. I've finally come to the place where I have accepted that I have to accept it's over. That feels like a big step."
Friday
bluebird replied to Kristen Harlow's discussion Feeling alone
"That is a lot of shit to deal with, all at once. It's good your sister is ok now.  If the man who you feel is your best friend and the love of your life were to come back now, do you think you would be ready to be with him now?"
Friday

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