Nicole
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About Me:
Survivor
About my Loss:
I lost my Brother to a heroin overdose. I was worried about him and when I went to his apartment it was too late. He had died. I didn’t know he was doing heroin. I knew that he struggled with painkillers for years and untreated grief and trauma. He tried many times to detox, but never moved forward to the emotional part. Logically I know that I am not at fault. I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it and I can’t control it. But I am in the part of my grief where I am experiencing “What If’s and I / we should have done more. It breaks my heart to know he was suffering and needed more help. It tears me up inside that all of the things I had said and wanted to try with him fell on deaf ears or were way sided by denial.I feel like the moment he tried it he never had a chance to get the demon off of his back. I watched him turn into a different person, I watched him struggle, I saw his pain. It was all so sad, stressful and worriesome over a 10 yr period. We were close in age and since I was born I always wanted to be right next to him. I felt lucky when he would let me. He had a big heart, was kind, loving, smart, funny and genuine. He had the most beautiful brown eyes and long eyelashes. All of my friends loved him. I feel awful for getting mad at him over the years because I felt like he was taking away my Parents golden years with his addiction. It was a big secret I was told I needed to keep by family members. The secret of addiction was consuming me. I go to therapy and am an al anon and it’s the only solace. This is the second sibling I’ve lost. The pain is deep, the feelings and emotions are raw. Everything I have experienced since the moment I discovered him has been grim. All of it too real. I will never be the same and I can’t relate to others right now. I am just try8ng to cope with the trauma, the loss and even though I was there to find him I am still in shock and disbelief. Nighttime is the worst for me and when when I wake up. I’m worried about my Parents. My brother and I were supposed to take care of them together. I miss him, I love him and I am devastated. Love and prayers are needed.

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At 3:30pm on December 30, 2017, morgan said…

Nicole, The tribute you just paid in explaining your grief is something your brother heard.  He loves you.

 
 
 

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