I'm 48. Atheist and animal lover. I used to be a lot more things. Things that were happy and safe but I am that no longer.
About my Loss:
My husband died Oct. 6, 2017. A week ago. He was my whole heart. He was only 39 years old. He was my home and my safe place. My best friend.
I feel like I'm dying. I want to. I want to fade away and not live another day without him. I would have done it myself but my family intervened. They made me see how much I would hurt my Dad if I died. That is keeping me holding on... Just barely.
My whole life changed in 1 second. We lived in a city where I don't have any family or close friends. I couldn't stay in my house alone so now I'm moved to another city and live in my Dad's basement. 2 weeks ago I had a home and husband. Now I live in a basement. I appreciate how my dad is going out of his way for me but the loss of both husband and home is overwhelming. I am shattered.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I will face this Saturday with dread as it is the second year of my husband's death. I think in the beginning, you feel a sort of numbness, you cannot believe this is real. As time goes by, you realize it is real, and you then have to start distracting yourself or you will sink into a depression, so please try to do one thing each day that gets you out of the house. I seem to only have peace when I engage in activities that take my mind off the loneliness and sadness of losing the most wonderful person in my life for over 55 years.
You may say, "wow, you have your love for that long, so why are you complaining?". Well, after that many years, the person has really become your other half. So when they leave, you are left half a person.
As far as being an Athiest, I respect your belief, but, I have found that believing in God has definitely helped me through some very dark hours. I wish you could find that peace and help in some way.
I hope your days get more bearable, and you continue to come to this site for solace and comfort.
I always read the circumstances of those who have just joined this site and feel for all but mostly for those who have lost a spouse because that is my own very personal loss. So writing to everyone is impossible and when I read, I feel over and over my own struggles.
Cheyenne, I am sorry that you have had to find us but for many of us this site is a lifeline. It allows you to grieve and to know that many others are feeling the same kinds of feelings you are. You are in such an early stage of the grief and I can only say to take things an hour at a time. Sometimes only a minute. Don't look too far ahead. Try to take baby steps. Washing your hair, having something to eat, crying, but try to stand up often. Try to get out of bed. I cant tell you how to do things but try to do things.
It will seem impossible and yes you will want to do otherwise. But all of us have felt and still feel many of the same feelings and I guess what I am saying is you are not alone even if it feels that way. Millions of us are suffering right alongside you. We have no answers but we look to each other for the support to know we are not crazy for feeling the way we do.
I am so sorry that you have lost your husband and you are living in a totally different universe but I do know what you re going through and I just wanted you to know someone is listening........
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