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Lost My Spouse...

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Lost my wife 16 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Ellis Gee Dec 28, 2019.

My Love

On November 6 of this year, I lost my husband in a tragic automobile accident. We live in Georgia and the accident was in Montana making it more difficult. I am completely lost as we were best…Continue

Started by Kathy West Dec 28, 2019.

The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on October 7, 2019 at 1:51pm

What a horrible price to pay for love. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 26, 2019 at 8:09am

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 11, 2019 at 6:16am

Today we Remember 9/11. I can't even imagine the terror and heartbreak the families must still have. Losing my Husband Julian under normal circumstances was bad enough. 

God Bless all the people that still suffer from this horrible attack. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 10, 2019 at 5:19pm

Dear Morgan,

Thanks so very much for your supportive letter. Sorry i didn't see it before. I replied to it just now, Sending you love and good wishes.

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 10, 2019 at 7:17am

Thank you friends for sharing your thoughts. I don't know what I do, if I didn't have this place to come to. We are all suffering and the real world just doesn't understand what we are going through. I miss the tender touch of my Julian, his love, his support, the sharing of life together. I am nothing without him. I just want him back and I know I cannot have him for the rest of my days. The life I am living is useless.

   

Comment by Joe Kelly on September 9, 2019 at 8:31pm

I have nothing that I want to or have to, to keep me busy except doing what I'm doing which has to have something to do with Her.  Like yesterday, I found a small  3/4 X 2 1/2 inch bottle with a cork when I went to the dollar store for essentials I need (even going in there without Her causes pain).  I have/had 5 locks of Her hair that I had the funeral director cut for me before burial.  I wear three of them on a necklace I made with open glass/stainless steel screw together cases with mini pics on one side and Her hair on the other.  One is at the bottom of the ocean on a memorial cruise we had booked with our youngest daughter.  I put it in a very small sealed stainless steel case, and added a little of mine.  She wanted so much to go on that cruise because it would had been the first for our last grand daughter.  It was painful being on a ship without Her so much so that I'll never step on a ship again.  She had told my daughter that She wanted to make it to that cruise when She was sick, but we knew She wouldn't (of course we didn't tell Her that).  So, I made a small pic of Her and took the last lock of Her hair and made a nice heirloom for my daughter.

Every day is the same with me always going to the cemetery and spending a couple or few hours there.  Sometimes, maybe once a week, I'll go to the store for some food (I hate eating and like nothing).  I'll go to one of my children's house maybe every other week, but always once a week with my youngest daughter.

Other than that, here I sit.  I have her 750 pics playing on the TV (Her whole life from about one till days before She passed).  I talk to Her all the time.  I ask for signs.  I saw a yellow butterfly at the cemetery that hung around her grave with me for quite a while.  Last night, I looked up yellow butterflies and found the one I saw and then looked at colors of butterflies and what they supposedly signify.  One of the meanings is that when they are near a grave, it means that the departed soul is happy in Heaven and trying to let the grieving person know.  That same butterfly was back today.  It was solid yellow, which is female, (males have a brown spot on their wings).

In order for me to keep busy, I have to do something that is about Her.  That said, I have very few diversions or anything that takes Her off my mind.  I had a visit with my GP today.  We always had the same appointment times and sitting in the waiting room is hell without Her next to me.  My GP is a great guy.  He know my wishes and I can share my grief with him.  I cried in his office talking to him.  He had told me in the past that he knows my wishes and just wants to make me as comfortable as possible.  Today he told me that he has the same spiritual beliefs I have and understands that I want to go to Her.  That someday I will.  This is my life now.  That and my first born with stage 4 incurable cancer which will eventually leave my two oldest grand children living with my son as their father abandoned them years ago.  I want no pity from anyone so please don't feel sorry for me.  I just want it over.  I'm done but have to wait for that F.... bus to come.  I had a wonderful life because of my Love and all I want is to go to Her.  She gave herself completely to me since the day we met and I want nothing more than to continue giving myself completely to Her.  OH GOD, I have to stop typing cause I'm in a frenzy right now.

Comment by morgan on September 9, 2019 at 7:15pm

Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me.

Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles me.  But you're also right about it not taking the pain away.  There's only one thing that is going to do that and we all know what that is.

Ellyn, Yes, I too have kept myself so busy I don't have to think but then when I do slow down or try to get up in the morning it all hits hard.  I have found after this long that rather than desperation all the time it is mixed with hatred.  Hatred that I have to be here without him.  He always had my back.  And now there is no protection whatsoever.  I hate it.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 9, 2019 at 3:01pm

Hello All,

I am sorry that I have not posted here for a while now to show my support for you. On August 4th it was the fifth anniversary of Joseph's passing. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore to keep pushing to survive each new day. That's why I have not visited here, but I think of my family here often and empathize with your pain.

John, morgan, Linda, Joe, Elynn, Nancy, Bluebird, and many others on this forum who are having to survive the loss of our soulmate, I send you all healing vibes and prayers for peace. 

For the likes of us living is now pointless; we have to go on because Death hasn't come to fetch us yet...

Comment by Joe Kelly on September 9, 2019 at 12:56pm

I'm in the 19th month and don't know what to say, except that the only time I'm not living this horrible nightmare is when I sleep and don't dream at all.  Even when I post in a way to try to console anyone here, in a way, I'm just trying to console myself.  It sort of helps when I'm writing it because when I try to give empathy, comfort, or hope, it's those things that I need so desperately.  That's why reading everyone's posts and chiming in my own suffering at least I'm not alone having to hide from the whole world.  It doesn't take the pain away though.  Only ONE thing will do that and it can't come soon enough for me.

"I will live to the end of my days only desiring one thing. To be reunited with my soulmate." 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 9, 2019 at 5:47am

Morgan,

Once again I want to Thank You for sharing you thoughts with us.

You put into words the things I don't know how to express.

 

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Shirelle posted a status
"My son died November 25 at 936 am and I have. Cried everyday I honestly don't know what to do I can't function at all what do I do?"
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Profile IconKatherine A Pericas Geersten, nikita and Katrina joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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Sue M commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Hello to all of you who are here for the same unimaginable reason as I am. I found this website last night after another night of going to bed where instead of sleep, pain sets in that I was able to escape from all day by being busy. Jess's…"
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Missing my Son or Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.See More
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Profile IconSue M and Christine joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, I have seven tattoos one for each year Julian has been gone. It is my way of honoring him  People make fun of me saying I am too old (71) to have them. Glad to hear I am not the only one still honoring their spouse after death."
Monday
Serenity replied to Linda Engberg's discussion Ending my Life
"Wow..you suicide yourself there us no place for you in heaven. You will find yourself again and life will go on without your dearly departed. Learn to love yourself find what you like to do there has to something. Think of it like this he…"
Monday
Serenity replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely again
"It is a tradgedy to lose a loved one. But it does get better. Not everyday will be the same some days burn to the core more than others. Find a hobby or volunteer or help someone basically find something to do to ease the monotony of the day. In…"
Monday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you Linda.  It's beautiful for you to had done that.  I have tattoo of our names in a heart.  I wear two sets of our wedding bands on both pinkys and ring fingers.  We're still married and always will be forever.…"
Sunday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, What a beautiful post. I have a tattoo on my shoulder of both our hands on our wedding day. I added my own words. God be with you."
Sunday
Serenity is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sunday
Rick Rilloraza left a comment for morgan
"Yes I still miss her terribly.  I am still sad and angry.  I was left with two boys ages 12 and 8 at that time.  What kept me going was making sure they were provided for and raised well.  I still have full on bawls when the…"
Jan 11
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Reliving two years ago.  Ten days till She took Her last exhaling breath in my arms.  She went knowing that we will be together forever and it can't come soon enough for me. Till then:"
Jan 11
morgan left a comment for Rick Rilloraza
"Rick, I am curious because I am within a week of being a widow of seven years how you are doing it allotter eight years?  Today, and more often lately (lets say for about the past six months) I have become more angry and more hateful of having…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Just another year closer to death I pray."
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Dec 31, 2019
Ellis Gee replied to Kyle McKay's discussion Lost my wife in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I know this doesn’t help right now, but even this will pass—lt took me seven months. It may take you more or less time, but the agony you’re going through will end. You’re in my thoughts. Ellis"
Dec 28, 2019

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