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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Oct 10

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by John T. on June 26, 2019 at 7:18pm

It's been a while and I don't remember exactly how this works.  It's coming up on 5 years that my wife collapsed and died in front of me.  Yesterday I watched my 85-year-old sister die in agony.  I thought she should die at home and hospice would take care of everything they said.  Unfortunately, they said what was happening was natural and wouldn't intervene in any substantial way to ease her suffering.  She was delirious and afraid and unaware I was there.  Once again I felt completely helpless as someone I loved died as I watched.  At least with my wife, I could do CPR and feel like I tried to save her.  I could do nothing to make it easier for my sister and if I hope I never hear the word "transition" in my life.  My wife always reminded me that I cope with pain and hurt with anger.  Maybe that's all this is but I know what happened was unnecessary and my doctor said today that there are things that can be done to help make it easier. My sister never did anything to deserve this and I feel like I completely let her down.  I am feeling pretty lost, angry, and none of it seems real.  I've had nightmares as terrible as this but I have awakened to feel so relieved.  I will never wake up from this, just like with my wife.  This is reality and what's strange is it seems to be so unreal.  I know too well there is nothing anyone can say.  Before I ever experienced this horror of loss I used to say the standard nonsense to devastated friends and family.  I know now that there is never a time in anyone's life when they feel more lost and lonely and that it only becomes manageable with time.  Manageable.  Whatever the hell that means. I survive but I have no idea why.  I have no idea about anything. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 24, 2019 at 6:04am

Thanks Nancy, I am sure everyone in our group can relate.

Comment by Nancy on June 23, 2019 at 10:16am

Love this Linda.  Thanks for posting it. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 23, 2019 at 8:24am

Comment by Nancy on June 22, 2019 at 1:30pm

I relate to you all who have posted lately.  2 years for me.  2nd year was worse than the first as reality set in and shock lessened.  I am still in a trauma state of mind.  Forgetful, irritable, less patient.  I isolate when not at work and feel the best at work.  Weekends my mind just plays it over and over.  I am empty.  Go thru the motions.  Cant talk about it much as people dont get it. It helps me to read on here the other people who are in the same place.  At least I know I am not alone or completely crazy.

Comment by morgan on June 22, 2019 at 10:42am

Robin, thank you.  Bluebird was the honesty that i discovered on this site that made it possible for me to express what I go through.  Several others who write let me know too.  I tend to reach out here, particularly when I am scurrying for my hole.  Some of the rest of the time I "function".  I isolate as much as possible.  I am working towards an end that allows me to do that more as it seems the only place where I don't have to constantly try to survive the bombs that go off.  Distraction has been the bailiwick that keeps me from taking my life at this point but after 6 and half years I am finding my soul is totally depleted pretending.  Like you said, its an act.  When he went missing, so did I.  I have not recovered.  I am not going to "get through it".  I am not a pessimist.  I just know what he was for me.  From second grade through the age of 61 I know he was the flame, in the crucible of my heart.  I long for death in the hopes that we reconnect. Who knows what happens?  I just know that the misery I live and the fight I have to put up on a daily basis which most people would say I have succeeded in dealing with is not enough for me.  In fact, it is nothing to me.  My life stopped having a real purpose the day he died.  I can say that here and I can say that to a couple people close to me that try to understand but no one understands it better than me.  No one experiences the pain like me.  But that is because no one had the love that I had wth the one person who really wanted to spend eternity with me.  And eternity is yet to be understood.......

Thank you for writing.  It helps to know that our suffering has no time limit on it.  And I am sorry that you are feeling worse.  I believe I can understand how that happens.  Some of us just had the fire that was unquenchable and we are now slowly dying of thirst.

Comment by Robin on June 22, 2019 at 10:06am

Hi Morgan - I lost my husband John, 9 years ago, when he was 46.  I come to this website every now & then, but have only commented a few times.  I relate most to you and Bluebird.  I can't believe it's been 9 years, and most people don't want to hear about it, especially after this long, they don't understand, and think you should be "over it" by now.  I'll never get over it, we were together for 20 years,no kids, we had a dog that was our baby, and John was my best friend.  I don't want to scare anyone that has just lost their love, but I feel lately that I feel worse, lonely.  I have a job I love, which keeps me busy & distracted, but weekends are the worst.  I've pretty much isolated myself over these years,  it's too hard to keep up the act that I'm ok.  I self medicated for several years, but have stopped that, and honestly I can't say I feel better, if I was able to, I would keep taking what I was taking... I understand how you feel Morgan, I can feel the pain in the post, for what it's worth, you're not alone in that.  

Comment by morgan on June 22, 2019 at 9:47am

I really don't know what to say to all the newer people who come here looking for help and comfort because I have struggled for years. I did find an article written by a psychotherapist just the other day that made some sense to me about the phases of grief but then I've read enough to choke a horse. Hers was written from the viewpoint of having experienced the death of her husband and prior to that she had been a counselor about issues of abandonment from the results of a divorce. Even she realized after her husband died that there was a huge difference between any other kind of mental break with reality other than the death of a spouse. Check her out if you want. Susan Anderson, abandonment.net . Maybe you can relate.
Doesn't change my own situation though, just another way to see the present. Bottom line is he's dead and I'm alive and I miss him every moment of every day. I think being here on this website and finding postings that cover the feelings of what each of us are going through is what is helpful. That others can relate. Each circumstance is different but the same kind of bomb seems to go off. Today I wake up to another situation where I am angry and overwhelmed by the futility of moving air around with no purpose. I am decidedly feeling more angst than I had been last week and likely as not it will change again next week. I am exhausted with trying to beat living without his support. I do not see an escape. I am thoroughly conflicted as to how to change my situation and have it become "better". I have lived two places since our home together and tried out a third for awhile. Location doesn't seem to matter for me. I am in essence another lost soul looking for its mate.....

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 20, 2019 at 6:24am

Dear Morgan & Trina,

Both of your posts mirror my thoughts exactly. I thank God we have this website helping us support one another. We are the only ones who know how much we are all suffering from losing our spouses. Each day we have to go on living despite a pain that will never go away.

I was thinking of moving but just can't do it. The home I live in now is the last house we lived in together and it makes me still feel he is close by.

It is a good feeling to know I can come here when I am having a rough day. I can't thank everyone enough for your support and kind words.

Linda  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 20, 2019 at 12:23am

Dear morgan,

I am so sorry that you are having another especially rough day. It just doesn't go away, does it? We hope and pray that with time the pain will ease, but sights, sounds, smells trigger a particular memory with/of our beloved and all the progress we made over the years goes tumbling down. At least, this is what it is like for me. It will be five years this August, and the pain has quieted down some, but some days it is just too unbearable. These past few days have been unbearable for me; harder and more painful than usual.

The moving is triggering the memories--the good ones associated with certain things that I am coming across as I am packing, and the painful ones from the the last move. The likes of us don't get a break; it is relentless. People who haven't experienced this kind od loss have absolutely NO CLUE of what it is like to survive the love of your life.

Last week I went for my annual eye check up (I am on glaucoma suspect list) and the doctor found some broken eye vessels but didn't know what caused it. I have a theory but didn't share my theory with him: crying buckets these past five years; normally people don't shed as many tears like we do everyday or every week. I think the amount of tears I have been shedding since Joseph's passing is equal to five lifetimes for me when I had Joseph...

Sending good thoughts your way, Morgan, that's all I can say. There is nothing I or anyone else can say or do that will take away the insurmountable pain that you have to live with. But please know that we on this site understand, relate to it, and deeply empathize with you and everybody else here who has to struggle day in and day out to keep our sanity and and keep going. We keep going not because we want to, but because we are alive. I am still alive against my deepest wishes, but alive I am, and there's nothing I can do about it (I will not take my own life, that's not an option as I believe in the afterlife). So we just have to bear it until our time comes to go join our beloved.

Hugs, Trina

 

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