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Comment by morgan on July 7, 2019 at 12:05am

John,

The honesty we share here is of comfort considering we live in a hellish place. Death (or for me any kind of loss) provokes memories of what I had with my husband.  I too had my younger brother die at the age of 54 two years ago and it was another spiral I had to deal with.   I look at everything now through the window of the loss of my love.  Not a good perspective....

But what really hit me was what you encountered from the very people who are supposed to have a more compassionate attitude towards loss.  I had a grief psychiatrist tell me in the first two weeks after my husband died that the fact that I had the bamboo shades down in the Florida sun was because I was depressed.  First off I always kept the bamboo shades down as a shield from extra heat but I could still see light.  So she was wrong on count one.  But I was depressed?  Good lord, my husband had just died.  And she was interpreting my mental state from my bamboo shades??........Of course I was depressed......jesus, whats it take?

The other incident I have had with "professionals" was a PCP with her assistant which just happened about a year ago now.  After some quizzing as to how I felt, the assistant turned to me and asked whether I thought I felt I needed to be grieving because I had to prove how much I loved him.  I held myself back from punching her lights out and could only hope she chooses another career.  Maybe a fish monger. would be more her speed.....

You pretty much encapsulated it all  "....I love them and understand but the whole idea that we need to go on with life and enjoy the fireworks seems insane.  Feelings are feelings.  They aren't choices and we feel the way we feel.  There's no switch to throw that will turn them off, make them disappear, or give us control over them.  Grief is profound.  We survive.  There is really nothing else."

Comment by Joe Kelly on July 6, 2019 at 7:56pm

John, when two become ONE and one of the two is lost, the ONE is lost and the one left behind becomes nothing without the ONE.  In the beginning, I went to a psychologist who, lost his wife and gave me the BS "my wife would want me to have a full wonderful life" as a reason why he has a girl friend.  There is no replacing the ONE if there is true love between the two.  Then I tried a bereavement group.  After a few meetings, I realized that the whole idea in the social and medical field is to "recover"  "move on" "start a new life".  How can I do that if I'm nothing now without the one who made US ONE.  If one believes in an afterlife as I do because of an OBE after being hit by a truck years ago, my wife still exists and only want, my only "till then" is to shed my body (naturally as she did) and be reunited with her for eternity.  I only will go to two doctors.  My GP, who gets it.  He knows I will not let medical interfere with dying naturally and said "I know your wishes and I just want to make you as comfortable as possible".  The other doctor I see gets it too and is a very spiritually practicing Christian.  I go to him for ingrown toe nails.  That's just painful but won't take me where I want to go.  To the one that will make me ONE again.  Even though I am living in hell right now, I consider myself the luckiest man in the world having become ONE with my wife.  Having a wonderful life with her "IN LOVE" our entire life since age 16.  Our 51 years together was wonderful, but it wan't "till death do us part", it was FOREVER and we both wanted that, talking about it at times throughout our lives.

Most never experience what we experienced and in a way, I pity them for they may end up going to no one in the end.  I have belief and hope and no one will talk me out of that.  No one will "fix me" the way they think it should be.  Most think that this is it and when we shed our bodies, we just don't exist.  I KNOW differently.  We will spiritually exist in a different realm.  You are so right about our feelings.  And you are so right about how others want us to to be.  We make them uncomfortable.  It's for them that they want you to "recover".  Same as many in the medical and counseling field.  That's their job and they want to succeed in helping their patients "recover".  They just don't know how it is to be ONE with with our LOVES, and experience becoming nothing when we lose that one in our lives in this realm. 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  A lot of us here identify.  Your insights are right on except; yes, there is an answer.  Someday and it can't come soon enough for me, I will reunite and adore my LOVE for all eternity.  God Bless. 

Comment by John T. on July 6, 2019 at 4:27pm

I went to a family gathering for the 4th and was surprised with a birthday party.  My sister died the day before my birthday so it was a heartfelt effort.  I felt sick through the whole experience and I'm sure I didn't hide my feelings too well.  That's why I rarely socialize.  No one but a masochist would want to be around me.  Denial and distraction seem to be possible for others but I haven't found that possible.  What's strange is I don't feel the loss of my sister that much but I'm reliving the death of my wife as if the whole thing is starting over.  Again the earth has been pulled from beneath my feet and I'm falling through a fog of hopelessness.  A psychiatrist told me some time ago that my grieving has become "self-indulgent."  As a therapist myself, I couldn't believe it.  He seemed shocked at how I responded and it was with words I wouldn't repeat here.  The man has been married four times so loving relationships probably mean little to him.  I mean. what's the problem?  Just move on and pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  There are those, including members of my family, who don't want to talk about how they feel and just bury what's happened in massive denial.  The last thing anyone wants to hear is anything about my wife.  It's as if she didn't really exist and was never a real part of their lives.  I don't mean they're heartless, just that they don't want to see me in pain.  I'm the one who is supposed to have himself together, the educated know-it-all with all the answers.  My doubts, fears, and pain are disconcerting to them.  I understand my role in the family but again it's me on my own and please just pretend I'm just fine.  I suppose I'll do it all again and no one will understand what this is like.  I just don't see much point to the whole thing right now.  Lord, I love them and understand but the whole idea that we need to go on with life and enjoy the fireworks seems insane.  Feelings are feelings.  They aren't choices and we feel the way we feel.  There's no switch to throw that will turn them off, make them disappear, or give us control over them.  Grief is profound.  We survive.  There is really nothing else.  At least that's how it has seemed to me for the last four years and now it all begins again.  No.  I have found no answers.

Comment by Monty on June 30, 2019 at 9:12pm

Hi John.

so sorry to hear of the loss and the pain you're going through.

I hope the coming days get a little easier for you.

regards Monty

Comment by morgan on June 30, 2019 at 8:40pm

I just read the post on caregiving.....Even though my "caregiving" wasnt for long the loss makes my life not worth living...... 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 27, 2019 at 6:17am

John & Morgan, I am so sorry for another loss for both of you. When my Husband passed he had hospice and the care was wonderful. He was treated at our home when he died. The Nurses will just wonderful. 

I am also lucky to have a great Psychiatrist who I see every month to help me keep sane.

Between her and our group. It is the only way to help me make it through each day until Julian and I are reunited. 

Comment by morgan on June 27, 2019 at 1:23am

John, Haven't heard from you in quite awhile.  Guess you've been having another round of death grief that like most, is just another guilt ridden, overwhelming bout with the universe.  

About three plus years after my husband died my youngest brother died at 54.  He had been divorced but never quite got past all the hurt and though he tried valiantly he fell off the wagon for about the third time (1st time he almost died) but finally it took him.  The worst part was no one found him for three days.  I'll leave the details out.  I screamed to high heaven when I found out.  I am still not over it.  He didnt deserve to die that way.  I have no way of combatting what loss has done to me.  I am able to function better now on the outside, but the hurt, the pain, the desire to remove myself from this earth has never really diminished inside.  I just look better on the outside.  

And as far as medical treatments and the subsequent hospice......While treating my husband for diabetes they neglected to really follow up much when he got a cancerous spot on his face.  Within the year he was stage 4 Involving his pancreas, appendix colon and lungs.  How? How does that happen?  Of course our medical system treats for what is obvious but unless you are a platinum member they aren't going to waste a good scan on the parts that might also need treatment.  And to beat all they sent us home and without any insurance we were left to fend for ourselves.......no hospice care.  Dead 27 days later.

Am I angry?  Oh yeah, I am steaming.  But now, all I want is to depart this earth.  I've had it with everything.  At this point I keep hoping I am dying as I waste away. And you know what?  Its ok.  I'm so ready and determined to will myself into my grave.  It will be a glorious day when I can see whether I will reunite with my husband.  Just can't come soon enough.  Rather than the desperation of the first five years I am now more determined than ever to get out.  I will find a way.....this is not living in any shape or form........

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 26, 2019 at 10:24pm

I meant to say that here on this forum, you are not alone.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 26, 2019 at 10:15pm

I'm sorry for the tragic way you had to watch your sister pass John and of course the sudden passing of your wife 5 years ago.  Most of us here live in a nightmare we will never wake up from and those who haven't experienced the hell we live in can't understand it.  Strange as it seems the most ignorant of them all are some members in the medical field.  I have two daughters that are nurses.  They grieve their mother deeply but they have families of their own and must go on, and one is seriously ill. They get it.  They know my wife was my life and pray I go to her soon because there is no other way my nightmare will end.  Time for me only means longer in hell.  As mentioned in a post below by Nancy, I'm in my second year and it just gets worse and I know it will never get better.  My only "till then" is being reunited with my Love when I pass.  There's no managing anything other than financially  helping my children, especially the sick one, who I constantly fear for.  I'm alone, and take it that you are an elderly widower alone also.  Yes, why do we survive?  I too have no idea about anything anymore.  I post here and sometimes go all over the place with my thoughts.  The only thing I can say is that you're not alone. 

Comment by Nancy on June 26, 2019 at 7:32pm

I'm sorry John. Often Hospice will administer medications to help with delirium.  Some are very good and some not.  I'm a nurse so I can say that even though I dont work in Hospice.  I think it is the helplessness is the worst.  You did not let your sister down. You were present and she knows that now I believe.  Take care of yourself.  

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