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Comment by Joe Kelly on June 5, 2019 at 9:51am

Dear Trina,

I read your post on Monday and wanted to say something comforting to you but your first paragraph says it all.  I hope your sisters can bring a little more comfort into your life and because you made that first move which must had been so hard, any reminder of it is paralyzing.  I haven't made any move yet and don't know if I ever will.  Sometimes I think maybe I should but my Love and I spent 40 years here in this apartment, it scares the heck out of me to vision leaving here as described in your second paragraph.  Your third paragraph is what I want to say to you today.  I'm sorry but I'm so broken that your words are all I can do to respond back at you.  It's crazy, Monday was Hell's basement, yesterday was Hell's penthouse, and this morning is just plain Hell.  And finally, your last paragraph back to you.  Good luck with your move that you are making that it in some way, makes this Hell on earth a little easier to bear your loss of Joseph.

Joe

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 5, 2019 at 6:09am

Thanks for sharing Stewart.

Comment by stewart p on June 4, 2019 at 1:42pm

like to share an inspirational story I just read about hope and the future...

https://nationalwidowers.org/angels-walk-among-us/?utm_source=Natio...

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 3, 2019 at 12:56am

Hello All,

It's been a while since I posted here last. So much is going on for me that paralyzes me, and I find it difficult to function properly. But I do read your posts and feel for you all of you here, our family in grief. Only we know what it takes to go on living and survive day after day after the love of our life is gone. So much pain, so much wearing a mask of normalcy, so much of always trying to seem "normal" to the world. It's all so exhausting... 

I am relocating to Indiana (my sisters live there) and moving out of my apartment at the end of this month. Not only moving in itself is scary--it is considered one of life's biggest stressors--but the move is bringing up memories and associations from my move three years ago. Three years ago I had to sell the dream house I shared with Joseph and leave Alaska because I didn't have the wherewithal to go on living in Alaska and maintain a house without Joseph. The process of selling our house of love and having to say goodbye to all the things we held dear was reliving Joseph's death a second time. This time around it is nothing like the last time, but nonetheless it is EXTREMELY painful. There are days when I can hardly pull myself out of bed and face the day because all the memories come back rushing. 

I read your posts and have wanted to write and respond, to say words of support and comfort but found myself so depleted emotionally that I couldn't do it. Today I just wanted to come here and say hello and wanted my friends on the site to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, but I haven't had the strength to be active.

Sending you all healing vibes and good thoughts as each of you find the strength to take another step and survive one more day in spite of the unbearable pain that we carry around...

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Elynn m on May 15, 2019 at 7:58pm

Everyone sounds a little down today.   And that's OK.   I do the same thing.   I am learning how to move on with life.  I know that there will never be another Joe.  He was my life, my love.  I miss him so much!!! I wonder why Joe went to be with Jesus before me.  Then I have to remember that God is in control.   I cry often!!!!   I have days of depression.   I've started to volunteer at different places near my home. And even joined a gardening club!! It's really helped me to get out of this house!   Because, as most of us know, most of our friends have seemed to disappear!

  I am comforted by a Bible scripture  in the book of Isaiah 54:5 that tells me,  "Your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts".    I actually stumbled into that scripture a few times before Joe died, and didn't know why I kept reading it!!  I guess God was trying to prepare me for the tragedy before it hit!

           Hope we all have better days ahead!

Comment by Joe Kelly on May 15, 2019 at 7:39pm

Over the last couple of days, I've had some real negative thoughts, scary to say the least.  I know I'll never see her here with me again, which I know but can't accept, but today I questioned is she here with me in spirit?  No signs at all.  Trying to believe.  I know my OBE was real but didn't get to a point where I went completely and don't know what would had happened next.  Would I had been able to go home to her?  Will I be able to find her spirit when I finally go?  Will I ever see her again at all?  These are just thoughts that pop int my head.  All I have is hope but that's not enough.  I am getting so much worse as time goes by and afraid it's going to keep getting worse.  These thoughts come and go and perhaps tomorrow I'll have some faith back but It's exhausting thinking these things.  My confidence is weakening.  I have to go where she went!!!!!

Comment by morgan on May 15, 2019 at 7:03pm

Marita, not that I am glad to  hear you suffer from anxiety and fear but thank you for at least sharing that you too are overwhelmed with living.  At times I want to scream that the way I feel is not some cry for sympathy but more I am unable to exist without him.  Its real.  Its something I cannot deal with.  I've tried.  He was always there with something to say.  A way to guide me.  My rock.  The one person in my life who got me and accepted me for everything that I was.  Do I know myself today?  Not sure.  The bodily part of me is functioning somewhat, the intellectual part of me is still alive and ok but the rest of me is a mess.  I can only hope that during one of my major breakdowns the end comes quickly.  Until then I am hanging by a thin thread.........

Comment by morgan on May 15, 2019 at 6:48pm

Bluebird,

You were the original poster who made it real for me that telling the truth about our pain was ok.  That it was how this grief was going to be no mater how I might be told otherwise.  And to know that your truth is that pretty much everything is still insurmountable makes me somehow feel a sense of relief.  I have been struggling with this one something and I don't know if I am going to be able to solve it but at least I have tried.  Just like everything........I have tried.  I am worn out though.  I truly want this whole thing to end.  

Comment by morgan on May 15, 2019 at 6:42pm

Linda, yes, I too have the recurring thoughts my brain sends me that my husband is dead.  It's not possible for me to accept it either.  I know it as fact just as I know the sun shines, but when it appears in my brain I simply cannot believe he is gone.  Forever.  I will never see him here ever again.  I am unable to live with that thought.  It is destroying me.  I also find that if I have to deal with something that I used to see as a challenge and I did them because my husband didnt want to I was nowhere near overwhelmed by the task.  Now, it's everything I can do to get through some of the things I have to do.  AND it's gotten better believe it or not.  Used to be ANYTHING I had to do to deal with life I would cry.  On the phone, in a store, with people in a conversation.  Just impossible.  So of course I too turned inward and isolated.  Just made it easier for me to avoid more pain.

And Linda, am I right........is today the marker day of Julians' passing? If so, have a beer for me.  Nothing makes this simpler.   And thanks for continuing to write here as it helps me to now I am not crazy for still feeling so lost and broken.

Comment by Monty on May 15, 2019 at 6:37pm

Hi all

I've not posted here for some time due to real life just being busy.

I hope everyone is as well as they can be.

Joe, going out and being with people when you're in pain is very hard.  people like to try and fix you or shun you.  they don't realise that grief is a part of life and always will be, and it's hard not to growl/snap at them when they do something that makes the pain worse.

  I came to the conclusion that they don't have my point of view( thank goodness for them) and it's not fair for me to try and force it on them.  that being said when they ask me how I am..  I rarely say "good thanks", more often than not I say  "not bad you ?"

  I've joined several Facebook groups related to grief and loss.  some focused on getting better, some focused on supporting each other and some I've left due to trolls and horrible persons being toxic.

I've come to a conclusion.

a. everyone is dealing with their own stuff.

b. I possibly haven't got it as bad as lots of others.

c. I really need to be the best I can for my kids, something I have always have strived for.

My uncle recently lost his wife.  I didn't go to the funeral due to the distance involved ( 6 hour drive each way) and I didn't have someone to look after the kids.  BUT I have been in contact via messenger and trying to make sure he knows that people are there and I found people reaching out to me every now and then helped lessen the isolation I experienced.

I've watched a couple of ted talks on grief and have taken a couple of different view/perspectives from some of the stuff I've seen.

I still say hello and good buy to Carol when I leave the house (she is buried in a memorial URN in the front yard near the front steps) (an idea that I got from a tv show "New TRICKS" where a detective lost his wife and went and talked to her in the back yard with a whisky when he had a bad day) and some times after a really shit day I go a whinge to her about the BS that I have to put up with (i think the neighbours think I'm losing it and that's fine with me).

I still have her handbag in the bed under the covers and often rest my had on her handbag as I go to sleep

that being said.  

I dont listen to songs that remind me of the things we did

I don't listen to songs about loss

I still have bad days where I'm upset.

I try not to complain about it

and I try to do positive things with my life for me and the boys.

in all, I think that I am processing and improving my children's and my own life.

I pray that everyone has the best day they can

regards Monty

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