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Comment by rachel_micele on January 1, 2016 at 4:00pm

I am with all of you finding this day horrible. Not in a good frame of mind today. I just want to crawl into a deep, dark hole. Never to get out of bed. Never to face the world again. I don't feel any strength to face the year lying ahead of me. It's all going to be with him physically gone.

I knew a couple weeks ago this "holiday" would be hard. I've always thought how cool it would be to have an anniversary on New Years Eve like you bluebird. New Years has always meant for me a celebration of life - all that's good and right with the world. Now, nothing feels right. No reason to celebrate.

I was on here last night feeling things to say but my mind couldn't formulate a thought if my life depended on it. The clash of things churning on overdrive but feeling so depressed and numb at the same time was beyond frustrating. Tried talking to him but that too, was just frustrating. I did feel him come to me later into the night for a short time. I did feel a calming come with it and was finally able to rest.

But I feel today like I've been violently beaten and I struggle just to stand.  

I feel like a bird without it's wings. Not because they're broken but completely gone. Obliterated. Because of him, us, they would finally fly. At the same time I carry his, broken, clutching them to my heart. So painfully sad I will never see them fly as I saw it in my mind's eye. It was beautiful. And us fly together. 

Comment by bluebird on January 1, 2016 at 3:12pm

Thanks, morgan. I actually ended up just taking Benadryl, as I do almost every night, rather than a sleeping pill.  I was already tired, and I have a limited supply of the sleeping pills (though I'm sure I could get a refill), so I figured the Benadryl would probably be enough, and it was.  I never sleep well, though -- I sometimes wake up multiple times during the night, and I pretty much always wake up at 5 or 6 am even when I haven't set an alarm.

This entire time of year sucks for me (well, it all sucks, but yeah -- it's those marker days).  We got married in September, then he died a week later, then it's his birthday a week later, then in November it's Thanksgiving, then in December it's Christmas and then New Year's Eve.  So basically while every second of life sucks now, September through December sucks particularly. 

I'm sorry you're going through a bunch of them right now too.  Like you, I just want this farce of a life to be over. I want to die.  I know it will hurt my family, and I don't want that, so basically I'm trapped -- no matter what happens, it will suck and it will either hurt me or hurt my family or both.  Right now, my plan is to stay alive for as long as our cat is alive, for a few reasons -- I love the cat, and I promised my husband I would take care of him (we didn't know my husband had a heart problem, we had just discussed it in terms of an "if anything ever happened" scenario), also the cat is bipolar or something and would likely be unadoptable and probably killed if taken to a shelter, and no one in my family could take him for various reasons.  Thankfully the cat is quite healthy, and should live for at least another ten years or so.  Not thankfully for me, as I don't want to live for another ten years or even another ten minutes, but thankfully for our cat.  Once his life ends, though, I will more seriously consider suicide, if I am not already terminally ill.

 

Comment by morgan on January 1, 2016 at 12:53am

Bluebird,  

Hoping whatever you took knocked you flat.  These damn marker days are just too much to handle and I know you are well into the years and yet I know because I am too the marker days are just worse than the other crappy days we make our way through but the big ones always send us right down into that damn big hole with no bottom.  I hate them and I am going through a bunch of them myself right now and feel like you.  

All I want is for this whole mess to be over.  Not that I don't appreciate every single one of you but I don't want to have to be here  writing out my anguish.  I just want to be dead.  Just like him.  Dead.  

Comment by bluebird on December 31, 2015 at 8:41pm

New Year's Eve is our anniversary, me & my husband, the anniversary of when we acknowledged our feelings for each other and became a couple.  Every year since he died I have to take a sleeping pill and just become unconscious by midnight, because I am anguished that he is not here with me as he should be.  Right now I am drinking eggnog with rum in it; I will take the sleeping pill later.

I fucking hate this.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 31, 2015 at 5:44am

Well, here's goes another year without my wonderful Husband, not here to kiss at midnight.

Comment by bluebird on December 30, 2015 at 9:28pm

I feel exactly as Tildy does.  My husband died suddenly, of a massive heart attack, 3 years ago.  I will never "date" anyone else, I will never love anyone else, I will never make love with anyone else.  My husband is the only one for me, he is my soulmate and I am his. I want to die as soon as possible -- if there is an afterlife, then I will be with him, and if there is not then at least this pain and this farce of a life will be over.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 30, 2015 at 6:13am

Hi Lizzie, I feel just like your post stated (a shell), I just walk the earth in a fog, waiting for it to lift, but it never will.

Comment by rachel_micele on December 30, 2015 at 3:41am

Oh Hilary, "I'd had plans to work on a project but instead I curled up in a little ball on the couch and shook." I'm so sorry ...

AnneJ, good to hear more of your story. I was thinking you were also one to meet your husband later in life while longing for the one that fit you. And I second Rebekah. Beautifully put.

Comment by Rebekah on December 29, 2015 at 11:08pm

AnneJ- I love your "I'm not "moving on". No. I've moved IN, and I'm staying right here, in the house that Love built."

that is beautiful.

Comment by Patrice Ball on December 29, 2015 at 10:51pm

I am certainly not ready to move on, and doubt I would ever marry again. My daughter died 18 years ago, and thought I'd never smile again. Someone told me then that the day would come when I would feel happy again but I couldn't believe it. My other kids were the reasons to work for a new kind of happiness, so I think it's possible again.

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