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Comment by Colleen McCann on February 1, 2016 at 6:29pm

Me, too, Monica. I am always talking out loud to him and begged him to forgive me. I also told him when my time comes to please reunite with me,

Comment by Colleen McCann on February 1, 2016 at 5:36pm

I wish I could go back to the beginning of December. That I could tell my husband that I love him. I should have said it more. I shouldn't had been cranky when I was. If only I knew then that he would soon be leaving me. My brain never stops. Bedtime comes and I cannot fall asleep. My mind keeps replaying the last few months of my husband's death. Things that were said. I should have been more loving and patient. I miss him so so much.

Comment by morgan on February 1, 2016 at 3:19pm

Monica,

I had a very wise person who had gone through his own personal dealings with death of his loved ones tell me at almost at the beginning of my grief….."you have been catapulted into a different dimension".

He was right. I would say that over the period of years that I have been dealing with this grief I would elaborate that " I participate in the universe as I knew it but I dont live there anymore."

What I have gleaned from the writings of others if they are traumatized and desolate from grief and honest about it is that we all try to manage a day as far as the literal things we do like showering, brushing our teeth, managing to eat etc but our emotions, our feelings hardly change at all.  

This was love.  This was an intangible, unshakable feeling that cannot be replicated or substituted for or even understood.  Pure essence.  I admire that Jon Paul who started this thread is able to connect as he says, to his Queen on what seems such an intimate level.  I just cant seem to do it, and I've been a pretty zen person my whole life.  As much as I want to believe my husband is directing and divining things in my life (and there have been some things that have happened that seem to be his energy intervening or guiding) I have a hard time holding onto it all the time as his apparitional presence.  

After three years of this I can tell you that the initial pain which for me lasted good year and a half started to take on a different face.  I went from being a constant powder keg ready to trigger and blow to more like target practice.  My brain was rewiring to allow me some down time between what was complete volatility.  So I think you could say there is a change.  Your not going to believe it for at least that first year plus or at least i didn't.  

Now I can stand in a kitchen and make food ahead so I can grab things to eat and because my husband was the cook for us it brings back memories of all the time he spent cooking to feed me.  And it doesn't mean I like any of this.  I don't want to cook, I hate having to do it. Now I have to do it but the whole time I want out.  I still want out.  That has not changed.

Sorrow, anger and guilt…….I visit those three place (and more) in my head all the time.  It's just your brain gets so so tired of getting the shit beat out of it it starts to turn some of it off.  This body, our brain and the natural laws of energy are doing with us what they will it seems.  The best I can do now is manage the best I can while it works on me and I breathe and hope that that stops soon enough.

Probably not a lot of help but babbling seems to get it out of me for another couple hours.  Thanks for listening.  

morgan

Comment by morgan on January 31, 2016 at 10:28pm

I really have a hard time seeing new people join this site if for no other reason than I instantly feel their pain and I just cant imagine the world having this much pain.  When I see Marie and Francine and Robin (and others) join our group it just brings into focus how many people on this planet are suffering the loss of their beloved spouses (not to mention parents, sons/daughters and siblings) for they all are carrying a new weight that none of us are prepared to carry.  

I wish I had enough energy to write a personal note to each of you all the time but I don't.  All I know is that I couldn't stand a full 24 hours without checking in and reading your postings because it gives me the support when I need it and I try to write when I can to tie some support back.

This "shaking heads with death" is a horrendous place to be.  I don't want to be here, I am tired of being here but I am so grateful to know there are people who truly understand the depth of what this is like.  

To each of you I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. 

Comment by morgan on January 31, 2016 at 9:45pm

Sammie,

It is a very inexplicable world isn't it?  I sit here and read your response and I want to cry and yet at the same time I want to have a similar dilemma so I could have some sort of a choice as crying has become an interminable exercise in futility. 

Your dream of your husband saying you would have to wait until winter is so moving.  I can only say I want to be swept up in such a prophesy and then have it become my reality.

I am sorry if it makes it sound as though you are in a good place because none of this is easy.  Certainly not being where you are now but as I have travelled this path I have found I need to give it all up because I no longer have control.  There is nothing that has made much sense since my husband died and I cannot seem to unhook myself from where he has gone.  It seems like he is still pulling on me and I can't get untangled from the grasp of this physical entropy.

I want to be in his arms again.  I want to feel his vibration.  I have begun to tolerate the gulf a bit better with the help of my friends but nothing is more wanted than my release from this bodily shell.  

I have no belief in whatever is next. It is all too confusing.  But I no longer have the need to stay here to experience more of what I already know.  

Whatever happens to any of us is a loss the likes of which I never fully understood before my husband died.  But death is a vicious taskmaster.  Loss is painful no matter where or how or to whom it happens.  

I hope that whatever happens for you it is the outcome of knowing that you have destiny on your side and my wish for all of us is to somehow find a way to get to that other "side".  

Be warm.

morgan

 

Comment by Sammie on January 31, 2016 at 9:01pm

So yes Morgan was not easy but I can't put my family thru this and my mass has a funny form too butterfly.. 2 doctors will perform the surgery same who performed my husbands too it's a déjà vu .. I told my family how ever it ends is all good because I got my answers with my dreams which people funded strange at that time including me and now they are my answers where you know it's ok . I'm gonna try to keep you guys updated if I can and hang in there I'm pretty sure sooner or later we all find a answer . Thank very much you guys were really supportive hugs to you morgan you really are a special kind person

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 31, 2016 at 8:50pm

Oh Sammie. Blessings to you, dear dear lady. There where he was. His angel is surely with you.

Comment by Sammie on January 31, 2016 at 8:48pm

Hi morgan thank you for everything I am in the hospital vision is a little better I can write steroids helped a little. It's very strange being in the same hospital same room where my husband was but I'm very in peace feeling something different like a connection especially that 1 month after he died I had a dream where he told me to wait until winter. So I got my answer and I'm good . I ask the doctor what happen if I don't make the surgery he said eventually my mass will extend in the right side and with time I get blind stroke and other consequences which they don't know exactly . So I will have it on Wednesday will be a long one 8 hours maybe 10 and see what comes out my family they know my wishes so they know I don't want to give nobody hard time

Comment by morgan on January 31, 2016 at 4:37pm

Sammie,
You've been on my mind since I saw your note on Wednesday and I keep wondering what happened to you after the doctors found the mass on your scalp? Have they scheduled surgery for you?
I am very very, very conflicted about how I feel about others medical conditions versus if I was in your place. Right now, today, sitting here in my safe house making breakfast I want to say out loud that my own death is preferable to continue living out years of being without the love of my dead husband. But I have yet to confront something like you are facing.
I remember all too well thinking I would face the possibility of my husbands death (diabetes very problematic) with some sort of philosophic approach that would contain and deliver me to some new place I could handle. Wow, how wrong I was about that.
All of this is to say I cant know how I would react, not really, nor can I imagine what level of introspection you must be facing right now. It must be profound.

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you alot and I hope you can either read this or someone else will read it for you because I am sending all the energy I can muster right now to make your situation the most gentle, caring and loving space that those who are around you can make.

If possible can you let us know what you have decided and how you are. Thinking of you……..

Comment by Colleen McCann on January 28, 2016 at 6:50pm

Hi Monica.  I do talk to him during the day.  Did a lot of that today.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I am thinking of starting a journal.  I also thank God that I was blessed to have such a wonderful person in my life who loved and took such good care of me.  We took care of each other.  You take care, also.  

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