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Comment by Laura Wallace on September 18, 2016 at 8:25pm

Hey everyone, I am touched by the things and feel I am in the process of adjusting to life without my husband of 28 yrs , it's been 1 yr & 5 months. This grief, the intense sense of loss and the finality of what all this encompasses

Comment by Maxey on September 9, 2016 at 11:18am

Thank you, Morgan. Sometimes, I feel I am the only one going through this horror, so it is comforting to know that others are out there that are trying to find a way to survive this loss too.
Yes, I so agree that this is a pretend life; I go through the motions of smiling and talking with others while I ache inside.
I now lay in bed and relive many happy times of the past. I was married for 55 years, so when my husband died, I know a real part of me went with him.
I ask God to take me since there is no real happiness in my future; I am sure of this since my life revolved around doing things with my husband. We left our social life dwindle in the past years since we really just enjoyed doing thing together.
The weird thing is that I now think that when he was in the hospital, and the doctor told me that he was not going to make it this time (congestive heart failure), I was in shock. I had no idea what his death was going to do to me. I went through those days denying what was happening. I now regret not saying so many things to me love. It was only after a month or so following his death did reality of the loss settle in.
When the reality hit, it was unimaginable! I could not ever fathom this pain, longing, ache in my chest, and utter despair.
I have meltdowns every day it seems. Now, as the one year mark approaches, it seems to be getting worse.
I may try a grief support group again; the first one I attended kept emphasizing that I would soon experience JOY again! This just seemed so ridiculous to me - JOY, it wahn't going to happen ever again.
I am glad for this site since no one seems to want to talk about my husband - even the family. They think it is time to "move on" with the future and not dwell in the past. I want to talk about him, but no one wants to listen. I resent that my family doesn't seem to understand how important it is for me to talk. They change the subject if I bring it up. So this site allows me to say the things I am not able to discuss.
Thanks, again for your support and sharing.

Comment by morgan on September 9, 2016 at 10:50am

Barbara, Oh, how I feel for your anguish. There is so much more to trying to live a life without our husbands than we were ever led to believe.  There is no way to imagine the amount of pain until it happens.  And there is no way to understand how it is possible that it can cause such unrelenting pain.  

You are not losing touch with reality.  Reality has just dealt you a blow that you are trying to withstand.  I am well into three years plus of grief and this has been nothing other than a journey of endurance.  Can I make it?  How badly must this hurt before I get a reprieve?  How is it possible to reconstruct my life when I have no desire to do so?  All of these questions and more continue to surface.  Some more intense at times than others.  

Personally I look back and at eleven months I was preparing in one way to endure the first marker day of his death.  Of course that came along with Xmas, New Years, my birthday and then his death date. All within 30 days of each other.  There is no manual for how to survive grief.  I have only endured it.  There is no prescription medicine (although there may be some that dull it) that removes the "feelings".  You just keep feeling them.  

Does it get better?  Well, that depends on what you consider better.  It changes.  You find ways to distract yourself.  You spend hours crying.  You ask others like us what they do to help themselves get through it, reaching out so you get some small bit of validation that you are not losing it.  

No, this is the journey that no one can ever anticipate.  Each of us is trying to find a way to hurt less while we live more.  We are here helping to give support to each other in the worst of times to give witness that the pain will diminish to an extent where you can bear it.

I attended a grief support group on Tuesday and had a major meltdown there as well as another last night again.  In between I had some time where I participated in the universe coping with what life has handed me.  I don't think it is easier, I think I have learned this is what will kill me eventually.  Eventually could be sooner or later.  I just keep going hoping that soon is the eventuality.  Not because I am depressed but because I miss my husband.  My life. My real life.  This other life  is just an imposter.

Comment by Maxey on September 9, 2016 at 10:22am

Today seems like the worst day since my husband passed 11 months ago; I have this weird feeling that I am not going to make it much longer. My mind seems to be consumed with thoughts of my past life with my love. I feel like I might be losing touch with reality. I have shunned friends that try to reach out,and I sit alone and cry.I thought I was making progress, but now seem to be drifting back into even a worse state of mind. I have been praying for help, but the despair does not seem to lift. I lay in bed in the morning dreading the day ahead. What will I do today? I don't care, I just want the time to go and be over. Every day brings me closer to joining my husband. I have stopped taking meds hoping I will go soon. Why is this pain so horrible, why can't it end?
Does anyone out there have any answers? This is not living.

Comment by Robin Quinn on September 5, 2016 at 9:14pm

I don't post much, but I read everything that is posted.  15 days and it will be 8 months.  I'm still lost, still hurting so much i know it will never get better.  Just trying to hang on.  It doesn't help to stay busy, your loved one is always on your mind.  I've traveled to MI twice, Florida once and Vegas 3 times.  I realized I've been traveling the same roads we took on our road trips, I drive and cry, i feel so guilty that I couldn't save him.  I feel guilty that I didn't know he was so sick, I feel guilty because it should have been me who went first.  I am the one with so many medical issues, not him.  I go day after day pretending I'm living when I'm not, I'm just waiting to join him.  I see people post of their grief after years of losing their soul mates and I know that will be me also.  How do you live without them?

Comment by Robin Quinn on September 5, 2016 at 9:14pm

I don't post much, but I read everything that is posted.  15 days and it will be 8 months.  I'm still lost, still hurting so much i know it will never get better.  Just trying to hang on.  It doesn't help to stay busy, your loved one is always on your mind.  I've traveled to MI twice, Florida once and Vegas 3 times.  I realized I've been traveling the same roads we took on our road trips, I drive and cry, i feel so guilty that I couldn't save him.  I feel guilty that I didn't know he was so sick, I feel guilty because it should have been me who went first.  I am the one with so many medical issues, not him.  I go day after day pretending I'm living when I'm not, I'm just waiting to join him.  I see people post of their grief after years of losing their soul mates and I know that will be me also.  How do you live without them?

Comment by Robin Quinn on September 5, 2016 at 9:14pm

I don't post much, but I read everything that is posted.  15 days and it will be 8 months.  I'm still lost, still hurting so much i know it will never get better.  Just trying to hang on.  It doesn't help to stay busy, your loved one is always on your mind.  I've traveled to MI twice, Florida once and Vegas 3 times.  I realized I've been traveling the same roads we took on our road trips, I drive and cry, i feel so guilty that I couldn't save him.  I feel guilty that I didn't know he was so sick, I feel guilty because it should have been me who went first.  I am the one with so many medical issues, not him.  I go day after day pretending I'm living when I'm not, I'm just waiting to join him.  I see people post of their grief after years of losing their soul mates and I know that will be me also.  How do you live without them?

Comment by Robin Quinn on September 5, 2016 at 9:14pm

I don't post much, but I read everything that is posted.  15 days and it will be 8 months.  I'm still lost, still hurting so much i know it will never get better.  Just trying to hang on.  It doesn't help to stay busy, your loved one is always on your mind.  I've traveled to MI twice, Florida once and Vegas 3 times.  I realized I've been traveling the same roads we took on our road trips, I drive and cry, i feel so guilty that I couldn't save him.  I feel guilty that I didn't know he was so sick, I feel guilty because it should have been me who went first.  I am the one with so many medical issues, not him.  I go day after day pretending I'm living when I'm not, I'm just waiting to join him.  I see people post of their grief after years of losing their soul mates and I know that will be me also.  How do you live without them?

Comment by Robin Quinn on September 5, 2016 at 9:14pm

I don't post much, but I read everything that is posted.  15 days and it will be 8 months.  I'm still lost, still hurting so much i know it will never get better.  Just trying to hang on.  It doesn't help to stay busy, your loved one is always on your mind.  I've traveled to MI twice, Florida once and Vegas 3 times.  I realized I've been traveling the same roads we took on our road trips, I drive and cry, i feel so guilty that I couldn't save him.  I feel guilty that I didn't know he was so sick, I feel guilty because it should have been me who went first.  I am the one with so many medical issues, not him.  I go day after day pretending I'm living when I'm not, I'm just waiting to join him.  I see people post of their grief after years of losing their soul mates and I know that will be me also.  How do you live without them?

Comment by Robin Quinn on September 5, 2016 at 9:14pm

I don't post much, but I read everything that is posted.  15 days and it will be 8 months.  I'm still lost, still hurting so much i know it will never get better.  Just trying to hang on.  It doesn't help to stay busy, your loved one is always on your mind.  I've traveled to MI twice, Florida once and Vegas 3 times.  I realized I've been traveling the same roads we took on our road trips, I drive and cry, i feel so guilty that I couldn't save him.  I feel guilty that I didn't know he was so sick, I feel guilty because it should have been me who went first.  I am the one with so many medical issues, not him.  I go day after day pretending I'm living when I'm not, I'm just waiting to join him.  I see people post of their grief after years of losing their soul mates and I know that will be me also.  How do you live without them?

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