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Comment by morgan 4 hours ago

Thank you Joe for your posts. In a weird way it gives me a lift.  How?  Because I know that I am not making up how hard this suffering is.  

My closest friend and sibling also know how I feel about dying and I know I would not have to walk alone to the exit if I decided to do it myself but I keep trying to wait out my own natural demise.  I too have no intention of going to a doctor.  No way.  And I have done a DNR and legal directives including a will etc.  

Monty,

I spent the first anniversary on a beach in Hawaii alone and as I walked on the sand I broke down crying and people came to my side and tried to comfort me and all of a sudden whales appeared and were breaching and singing all along, close to the shore.  Everyone kept saying they had never seen anything like it.  I know it was my husband as we were both very connected to the ocean and water and we lived there so it was very significant.  Just do whatever comes to you on that day.  It will be enough.

Comment by Monty 5 hours ago

joe that is incredible.

thanks for the time and energy sharing.

i think ill look at some of your suggestions and see what will work for me.

for me this week has been hard.

1 week until first anniversary of her death, i don't know what to expect or how i will cope.

the other day i slept straight thought the alarm for the first time in over 5 years.  that tells me i'm not myself at the moment..

i'm just doing what i need to for work and my boys until i find something worth doing, something enjoyable.

I'm hopeful, but not expecting

i hope every one has the best day the can.

Kind thoughts and wishes.

regards monty

Comment by joe kelly 7 hours ago

Read second post first Morgan. Had to break it up into two parts and did it backwards.

Comment by joe kelly 7 hours ago

"As the years are passing I feel the need more and more."

• When I read some of you guys suffering so long, it gives me great fear that despite my health neglect, and legal preparations, I don't know when it will actually come to be.  My belief that we will be reunited doesn't relieve the crushing pain of not having her here with me. To look at her in the flesh, touch her, love her, go every where with her.  We were in the prime of our retirement.  We could go anywhere we wanted to and did many times a year.  Oh, how I want our life here back!  But that's impossible and the only thing I can do is go to her.  There's no choice and I'll suffer whatever till it comes.  That is hell as far as I'm concerned. 

  "I am not sure I understand totally how your OBE has given you more faith that somehow we will be reunited but I hope it will be so because the pain of not knowing here on earth is crushing me."

•   Because I KNOW that I have a consciousness separate from my body.  I can't be unique in that.  It just happened and has happened to many other people too.  I had no idea that that experience would be needed close to 40 years later, but I'm grateful for it now.

"I try to convince myself that he is "waiting" for me but then because we don't know what place we inhabit when we die (other than what you reference as blissful and at peace)  I have a problem tying that bliss to having the kind of visceral need for him that I have now.  What it does is making me more and more anxious to leave here."

• Try to stop convincing yourself and believe in his love for you. 

"Am I suicidal?  I wouldnt call it that.  Its not that I cant stand life, its that I am anxious to die.  I can't have my husband here ever again and because it is the only thing I think about day in and out I simply find it more advantageous to die."

• I'm not suicidal but I can't wait to die and as said above, won't do anything to prevent my natural death. 

"I have no idea if this makes sense.  I only know that deep in my self I have no further need for this corporal body existence because it does nothing to give me "life"."

• I died when she died, my life here is over.  The kids and grands will lose me someday.  When doesn't really matter.

  "I cannot enjoy anything here because he is not with me.  I've tried and when I play act and pretend to get excited, or feign happiness I get mad at myself because I know its all a lie.  Then I want to cry because I know I am not being truthful to myself or others."

• I can't either and don't try or pretend except interacting a little with the grands as they don't understand.  Be truthful.  If someone who knows what happened and asks how I'm doing, I just say "waiting to die".  They don't ask that question again.

I'm tired of having to do everything that means nothing.

• Just focus on he who is waiting for you.  Make everything you do about him.  She did not want to die.  She wanted to stay and live our happy life with me.  Most of my suffering revolves around knowing that.  Today, I printed out pictures of her.  Have about 60 framed already.  Are they all placed around the house? No, I rotate about 10 of them every week.  I have up to 700 pics on the computer of her that I put on usb and have them playing all day on a TV.  Talk to him all day.  I talk to her all day.  This is my life now even though it sucks.  It's all I can do.  I don't even try to cope with this life anymore. The time will come.  Babbling now so I'll close but please try to have faith.   Love, Joe 

Comment by joe kelly 7 hours ago

Joe,

"I read your words and it brings me to my knees." 

• I keep asking God to let me go many times a day.  I tell Him/Her/It that I will never relent until my prayer is answered.  I ask my love to keep asking too and have mercy on us and bring us together soon where we belong, together, where ever.

"I so want to join my husband."

• That's all I concentrate on.  Everything I do has to have something to do with her.  Even when I visit the kids and grands, or they vist me, they know mom and mema is there.  They believe in my OBE and there are three medical professionals in the family.  When I discussed my OBE with my D who is an OR nurse, I once mentioned that "yeah, but I didn't die, die."  She said "Yeah, but while you were looking down on yourself, you don't know if you were breathing and your heart was beating either".  She's seen many people die, die.  I have a daughter who is a NECU nurse who saw babies who shouldn't had survived, survive.  My DIL is a PA and none of them doubt that what happened to me happened.  My son, a lawyer, tells his two boys that mema is with us, watching us.  They don't doubt that my OBE happened.  They know I want to die and believe it or not, they are rooting for me.  I tell them when I die, you guys celebrate and be happy for your mother and I.  I had promised them that I wouldn't commit suicide because of my fear of God not reuniting us, and it leaves a stigma on the family .  My OR girl says she's praying for me to go.  When My wife first died, she said that none of them would blame me if I did suicide.  They saw how in love we were all our lives and that we two were one and came first to each other.  They are all better for experiencing that.  My OR nurse is also my HCA and will make sure my wishes are enforced no matter what.  I might add that while I will not harm myself, I also won't do anything to keep myself from going naturally either.  No doctors anymore (cept my foot doctor for ingrown toe nails).  No 911 calls for any type of pain, no matter how severe.  I had previously mentioned that I wea tags and carry copies of my legal docs when I leave the house.  If I were to get injured or collapse on the street, my lawyer says with the way my docs are drawn up, they wouldn't touch me.  They basically say if you do, you go to jail.

 

Comment by Linda Engberg 11 hours ago

Thanks Bluebird for nice comment about my Julian. He was so caring and was my rock. Being with him for 24/7 for 13 years of our retirement was bliss, I thank God for this time together. 

Morgan & Joe I keep believing there is eternal love after death. When I take my last breath my thoughts will be only of him. 

Comment by morgan 12 hours ago

Joe,

I read your words and it brings me to my knees.  I so want to join my husband.  As the years are passing I feel the need more and more.  I am not sure I understand totally how your OBE has given you more faith that somehow we will be reunited but I hope it will be so because the pain of not knowing here on earth is crushing me.  

I try to convince myself that he is "waiting" for me but then because we don't know what place we inhabit when we die (other than what you reference as blissful and at peace)  I have a problem tying that bliss to having the kind of visceral need for him that I have now.  What it does is making me more and more anxious to leave here.  

Am I suicidal?  I wouldnt call it that.  Its not that I cant stand life, its that I am anxious to die.  I can't have my husband here ever again and because it is the only thing I think about day in and out I simply find it more advantageous to die.  

I have no idea if this makes sense.  I only know that deep in my self I have no further need for this corporal body existence because it does nothing to give me "life".  I cannot enjoy anything here because he is not with me.  I've tried and when I play act and pretend to get excited, or feign happiness I get mad at myself because I know its all a lie.  Then I want to cry because I know I am not being truthful to myself or others.

I'm tired of having to do everything that means nothing.  

Comment by bluebird 15 hours ago

Linda,
Your Julian looks like such a nice man in that photo; what a lovely smile!

Joe,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you are right.

Comment by joe kelly 17 hours ago

Dear Bluebird,

It is impossible for us to know for absolutely sure what exactly happens when we die.  Oh, how I would love her to appear before me and tell me she's here and waiting for me, but I also know that she can't do that because she isn't material anymore.  She is Spirit, something we can't see.  Thinking back to my OBE, my first thought was how blissful I felt and that I could stay here forever.  Then, she came to my consciousness and I had to go back.  What if I didn't think of that?  Would that had been my eternity?  Blissfulness?  What if our final thought is where we stay eternally?

While she was dying in my arms, I asked her if she believed that we will be together forever?  She shook her head yes.  I told her she won't wait long for me.  She died a few seconds later.  I believe that was a final thought she had and is waiting for me.  I often think what's long where she is and hope these last almost 11 months are like seconds to her.

This is where faith comes into play, at least for me supported by my OBE.  My final thought will be going to her to be with and adore her forever.  Do I sometimes wonder?  Do I want to know for sure?  Yes.  But then I again go back to my OBE.  If it happened to me, it happened to her.  She couldn't come back and her final consciousness was that I will someday be with her forever.  She's waiting for me and I will always believe that.  Another thing my OBE proved to me is that I could see and move.  Therefore, I believe where ever I go, she goes and sees me.  I know that no one could see me and that's a reason why I can't see her.

Push the doubt away and concentrate on what your dying thought will be.  That you will be joining him for all eternity.

Peace & Love,

Joe

Comment by Linda Engberg 18 hours ago

Hi Bluebird,

I am so glad that the folks on this forum feel the same way I do. Society is always trying to label people, if we don't agree with them they think we are weird or crazy. My sweet Husband Julian taught me to ignore what other people say and live my life as I choose to. God Bless Him.

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