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Comment by Danny on January 12, 2015 at 10:17am

Yes as Lynn did I myself read a lot from the local library on grief  but specific to my situation too and more on the Web.  I still need to read the book she suggested as I cant find it in my local library (I was'nt ready to say goodbye).

Comment by Lynn Boyd on January 12, 2015 at 10:13am

Karen, you are in my prayers.  For everyone here, see if you can go to the Bryan-Braker Funeral Home website. Sign up for their "Daily Email Affirmations." It is open to everyone.  Every day, for 365 days, you will receive an email to comfort and guide you on this grief journey.  I'm on day #331.  It has been of immense comfort to me.   

I wish you all Peace in your hearts.

Comment by Lynn Boyd on January 12, 2015 at 10:03am

Karen W., your story is heart-wrenching. I feel your pain. What an awful experience, to have found that cancer that way. Telling your story over and over is important to your healing. May I recommend a book for you? "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Brooke Noel and Pamela Blair has chapters specifically for losing a child. It has been the most help to me. You might find it at your local library, or buy an inexpensive used copy on Amazon. I think I've read every book on grief that is in my local library. See if you can find a bereavement support group, where there will be others who won't mind hearing your story and seeing you cry. You will hear their stories and see them cry, too. Family and friends are well-meaning, but they really just don't know what to say, and it DOES make them uncomfortable. Speak to the God of your understanding...he IS there, he KNOWS the pain you're in...he will not be offended if you scream and curse and pound your pillows (this is best done by yourself, with no one around). Feeling crazy is perfectly normal. I still have my crazy times, and I'm almost up to the one-year mark of losing my soul mate of 25 years. New Year's Eve 2013 was our 25th anniversary, we had 3 wonderful days in Las Vegas. As soon as we got home, he got sick. Damn H1N1 flu! I am grateful for the time I had with him, but I still desperately want him back. This past New Year's Eve I adopted a rescue dog...a darling tiny chihuahua...to make that date a little less painful, to have a new thing to celebrate that day. He has saved me as much as I saved him. I named him Stitch. I like the quote from the movie "Lilo and Stitch" that "our family is little and broken...but still good." (Plus he has HUGE ears just like Stitch.) You will find your own ways to cope in time. You will heal in your own time, and never let anybody tell you when it's time to "get over it". You can't. You can only get through it, and your daughter will forever live in your heart. I guess I've rambled enough for today. Please, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
***double HUGS***

Comment by Karen T. on January 12, 2015 at 10:00am

Please everyone pray for me. I just got this overwhelming feeling of dred and for some reason today has just become one of those difficult days. I don't know why- it's not anything special like bday, anniversary, holiday etc, but it just hit me like a bolt of lightening and I wish I could just crawl back in bed and let it pass- but I have things that need to get done so  that will have to wait. All I ask is that you pray for me as you have become the shoulder I can lean on in times like these. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers that you'll send my way.

Comment by Danny on January 12, 2015 at 7:18am

Yes Karen this is the forum which will act as one of your pillars of support, other than family/friends so make friends here, talk to people especially now that its so raw BUT also later because this grief journey, it is forever.  But take one moment at a time and later on one day at a time and then one week at a time.

Comment by Karen W. on January 11, 2015 at 11:11pm

I went over the limit, but here is the rest.

She lasted until 6 days before Christmas and that night she woke up complaining for the first time of bad pain, from indigestion. I knew she was most likely having a heart attack like we had been told to expect and she did.

She woke us up at 2 am on Dec 19th and died at 4:56 with both her Dad and I laying next to her holding her as she passed.

We held her funeral three days before Christmas and although it has now been 3 weeks it feels as raw and unreal as it did the day she died.

I came looking for others who can understand the devastation I am feeling and a place where I can talk about the loss of our daughter.

 my heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you who have lost a loved one.

Comment by Karen W. on January 11, 2015 at 11:10pm

36 yr old daughter was having really bad leg cramps after working close to 30 days straight at two jobs.

We made her take the weekend off to come stay with us, so she could rest and I could treat the cramps. None of the tricks I had learned as a nurse helped, so that next tues November 19th, 2014, we took her to the ER thinking she was dehydrated as she also started not keeping anything down.

They ran some tests and came back to tell us that she had stage 4 cancer everywhere and had less than two weeks to live!

She was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer which is very aggressive, usually not found until stage 3 or 4 and not normally found in a young woman.

The only sign we could recall was a couple months prior during her monthly cycle where one breast was swollen and tender, no lumps, but it felt much better after her period ended and we didn't think more of it.

Shocked isn't the word for how we all felt, cancer never entered our minds as it doesn't run in either side of the family and to be told she had less than two weeks to live was also hard to believe as she had no pain outside of the leg cramps and didn't feel sick. In fact, after they told us and showed us the scans to prove it, she asked them to please fix the leg cramps as she was on the schedule to work. They were flabberghasted, lol

They admitted her instead and her Dad went straight over and quit both her jobs for her that same day. We stayed at the hospital for a few days and met with an oncologist who had called in hospice, but our daughter got very mad at him and refused hospice, she told him she is a fighter and he had to give her options.

He told her she wouldn't see Christmas either way, but if she wanted to risk buying an extra week or so, he would go ahead and give her a chemo tx. the dr told her that it could most likely kill her immediately as her platlets were so low. but she said she had nothing to lose and wanted the tx the following week, so we brought her home.

Once the leg cramps were treated, she looked and felt normal other than being tired, it made it all so unreal to think she was dying.

the following week she had a chemo tx and felt fine afterwards, no nausea and in fact said she was starving.

a few days later her entire body started to swell from fluids and we took her back to the ER where they admitted her. They told us she was not well enough to have the fluid removed and had less than 24hrs to live.

Once again she asked for the dr to fight for her, so he gave her platelets in order for her to not bleed to death from the procedure. Her count got high enough and they rushed her off and removed the fluid, but at that point her body was shutting down, and the dr told her she had very little time left as none of her major organs other than her heart and brain were working.

She wanted to come home to die, but he told her she wouldnt survive the 30 mile trip unless he could get her sodium levels up to prevent a heart attack and it was unlikely to work as the fluids would just build up and kill her. Once again she defied the odds and we brought her home after being told she wouldn't live through the night.

She agreed to Hospice and they showed up even with only hours to live. She continued to seem normal although the chemo wiped her energy out completely, but she still ate, talked and walked.

Our daughter never once complained about pain, if we asked her, she would say maybe a 3 out of 10 and attributed her discomfort from laying around so much when she was so used to being active.

Every day was nervewracking as we were told there was no earthly reason she should or could still be alive and at the same time we had a major blessing of another day.

Comment by Karen W. on January 11, 2015 at 11:03pm

thank you Lynn, pouring my heart out is exactly what I need to do, over and over and over again...somehow, talking about it makes me feel less crazy. I posted my longwinded story over in the group, losing someone to cancer, but could repost here. 

am unsure how to navigate this site and am not thinking clearly, but I had to reach out to others who can understand my grief.

Our family is quite small and we are all devastated, each coping in our own way as best we can. I seem to be the only one who wants to obsessively talk about it or cries all the time.

I don't want to add to their pain and friends are already acting so uncomfortable, not calling or coming by at all, not responding to emails, etc.

One did tell me it makes her feel terrible to see me in so much pain over losing my daughter and she can't bear it.

If they think it is painful to observe they should see how it feels on the inside, but i wouldn't wish this pain on any of them...

thank you for making me feel welcome. Karen

Comment by Lynn Boyd on January 11, 2015 at 6:40pm

Karen W., so sorry for your loss. Losing a child must be unimaginable grief. And only 3 weeks? You are probably still in shock.  You can come here and ramble, tell your story, what ever you need.  Yesterday was the one-year mark of the last time my husband and I spoke. He was in ICU with the flu.  I did tell him I loved him.  Then they put him into a medically-induced coma and intubated him.  3 weeks later he was gone.  I cried all day yesterday, and I bawled like a baby in church this morning.  This is a loving community, and we all want you to talk about it.  Pour your heart out. It's cathartic and healing.  January 29th will be the one-year anniversary of my beloved's death.  I'm just hoping the anticipation of that horrible date will be worse than the actual day....I'm so dreading it.  Tell us your pain.  We understand.

**hugs**

Comment by Karen W. on January 11, 2015 at 5:14pm

first time here, not sure how to join in and interact here. some of the groups don't appear to be active. It has only been 3 weeks since our daughter died, but already I can tell people don't want to hear me talk about it, it makes them sad or uncomfortable, so I don't. But I have a need to talk about it, so I came looking for others who feel the same way.

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