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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by morgan 5 hours ago

Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long story.....it was destined to be....but only into eternity will it be long enough for me.  

I am trying to stay so busy that I can make it through Monday and not end up in a heap.  This will be the six year mark.  I remember the one year mark quite vividly.  I was a basket case.  This will not be easy on you.  

I know too well how going into certain stores is a trigger.  Yet for me no matter where I went for about three years I would just break down.  Didn't matter where I was.  The rush of his essence was constantly overwhelming me.  I am blocking it better now.  But the crying has taken a huge toll on my immune system and I can only hope it will result in something that will take me quickly and sooner.  I just turned 67 and I have no desire to live anymore.  That I have made it this long is only a testament to the good health I had before my beloved died.  Too holistic for my own good.

I have shrines all over my house with my husbands pictures.  I spent days in the first year printing and framing them.  I don't have too many so I treasure the ones I have.  We were never big picture takers.  I can feel how he was feeling at the moment each of those pictures was captured though.  Some people think it is not good for me to have them around me and I just laugh at them.  I need to see him even if it is in a frame.

I have moved through many phases in this grieving from utter dismemberment to a place of hatred of life.  I isolate myself as much as possible and try reaching out to a few people I know periodically but I prefer the silence of being alone.  That way I can spend my time listening to videos on the cosmos, and consciousness and things that I can research about energy and what the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.  So I have to go on the only thing I have.......pure gut feeling.  

Monday will be a shit day no matter how it turns out.  I can never anticipate how any day is going to affect me because on January 11th (the day I brought him home from the hospital) was just horrendous this year.  I lived every moment in my mind like I was living it in 2013.  Took me two days to recover.  I exhaust myself crying and my brain goes to mush.    

I can't even give much advice as to what this is like anymore because it changes from moment to moment,  day to day, year to year.  Its why I say I am so tired.  

Days are groundhog days......you just numb yourself to the landmines that go off after awhile when you finally realize this is your normal.  You  accept that nothing will be better.  As much as it might look good to others, inside we are all broken individuals slogging along anxious to die.  Its just too bad suicide has such a bad rap.  I would much prefer it to the hell I live on a day to day basis........

Comment by joe kelly 13 hours ago

Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long day because every day is the same.

I hate waking up in the morning but know I have to get up and go through the same exact routine every day. Everything I do has to be something that in some way involves her. My distractions have been thinking of different ways to memorialize her. Just last night, I finished my morning coffee/grieving/talking to her table with magnetic white boards, printing out over 60 (of the 600+ pics) I have of her and arranging them in those plastic magnet frames of different sizes on them. I built lighting that hangs over them. This, after I had previously printed out over 50 8x10s and framed them. I packed them away because I haven't the room to place them around without dividing them into different rooms while I only use one room for living in. I'm so grateful that I was always the picture taker and took all those pics of her. Those taken by my children were of her and I, usually with one or two of the grands, or while away, we'd ask someone to take a pic of both of us together. After my coffee/grieving/talking to her time, I get dressed to go to the cemetery and sit there for about an hour. I say to her it's time to visit our permanent bed. I don't care how cold it is out. I just bundle up and bring a chair to our plot and sit there talking to her, my father, and her parents. I always say that I wish I could dig you up and take you home. I don't care what you look like. Believing she's always with me, I say it's time to go home, we'll be back tomorrow. Monday it will be sub zero out so it might be just a few minutes standing at our plot but the plot is visible from where I park the car so will sit there with the heat on. After leaving the cemetery, I'll stop at a store to buy some food sometimes. I won't go into stores we both frequented. I tried a couple but her not being there, the food store is all I can handle. Then it's back home and back to thinking or doing something that in some way involves her. Then evening comes and I put her slide show on and just watch the pics. I eventually get sleepy and go to sleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again.

Monday night, I will be going into NYC for a mass being celebrated for her. Our four children and two of the oldest grands will be there. I have no idea how I will be, but it will be sad, because everyday day is the day she passed for me and envision it will be like her funeral Mass.

Comment by morgan 17 hours ago

Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it never comes. I function better, I don't feel better. I am not hopeless I am empty. I fill my life with distractions. Meaningless, frivolous distractions or I fake it in front of people and pretend I am better than I am. Then I look at myself and cry because I know what a fraud I am to pretend.
At the time it makes sense because I want to push myself to participate. I've been doing that for what seems an eternity. Pushing myself. And some of the early stress right after my husband died has worn down. But then so have I. I get tired and much of the time I just don't motivate. And yet I look at how much I have done and it is more than most people might do if they weren't coping with the grief of losing their beloved.
I read through some of the letters, notes, messages to myself etc that I have written over the years and alot of it still is the same. Same feelings.
I don't know what to say anymore other than death sucks if you are the person left behind and yet for some reason our mortal bodies haven't aligned with the slot where the universe will take us to rejoin the energy that surrounds us. We call it the universe. The light. And I'm ready.

Comment by joe kelly on January 13, 2019 at 9:54am

Morgan, as usual, I have to read your post over three times because that is almost the exact way I feel. I woke up back in hell today. Yesterday, I was feeling some comfort and how fleeting that came and went. I had a disturbing thought this morning when I asked God to hurry up and take me to her. God won't kill. All I want is to go where she went and is. I'm ready now! I can't take the chance of making it happen because I firmly believe she exists and waits for me. As you said in the past, I can't screw this up. Had I never receive the gift of my OBE, and believed, as so many in the world right now that she's just gone and doesn't exist, I'd would had been gone the day after she passed. I keep asking why, why, why, she was so good. I was never as good as she and perhaps have to get as good as she, before I can rise to her dimension? I'm trying to accept this as my purgatory. I remember sharing my regrets with her as we always shared our thoughts and feelings with each other. She would tell me don't think about those things because you're a wonderful man. Comparing myself to her natural goodness, I never felt that way about myself. That's a psychological weakness of mine that I believe I always had, because of a bad childhood. I lived a lot in the past and she always lived in the now. She came into this world to rescue me, and that she did here on earth, but now I need her to rescue me still, and believe she will. I don't know if she knows when that will be, but I know she will someday. Till then, I will suffer, try to be more like she was, and wait.

Thank you Linda. You probably got more than that just one but one thing I'm beginning to realize is that my expectations are too self willed. The beam of light in church (that I didn't notice), the grass not growing, and sparks moving around the night before last, were totally unexpected. There's got to be something to that. I'm not sure, but my will and expectations may be getting in the way.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 13, 2019 at 7:12am

Joe,

I did have a sign from Husband right after his death and to this day it was the only one. I am so happy for you.

Morgan, I just can't believe that every time you post it mirrors my exact thoughts, maybe our Husbands are both trying to keep us afloat until we join them.

Comment by morgan on January 12, 2019 at 8:57pm

Havent had enough energy to respond to the latest entries from Joe but find each one to be inspirational as well as challenging me to try and dig deeper to alleviate the pain of missing my husband.
Not as easy as it sounds. I too have struggled mightily with the absence of a very physical relationship which results in a constant visceral reaction to many things that might for others not matter. Over the years I have had what I might consider signs from my husband at times when the pain got unbearable or I was just so beyond the pale of trying to cope from day to day. Sort of like the light flickers. Ones that were pretty hard to discount. But are they enough to keep me afloat so I don’t fall into my hole on a regular basis. Unfortunately no. And trust me I have done everything possible to persuade, cajole and encourage myself and succeeded for part of the time otherwise I would have been dead by now. But the universe has decided for me that my own light is still not able to align with the firelight of my husband and join him where he is. Why? If I had the answer my burden would be lifted. Instead I find myself in a position where I don’t want to stay but cant go either. In a place where the ongoing battles will never win the war.
I loved, I laughed, I gave, I took, I caressed, I was caressed. Unconditionally and what I can hope will be eternally. I need to believe that and I do. Its just I have a hard time waiting for the transition to the next dimension. I am ready. I am so ready. I am losing patience but I will finish a few more things I see as necessary and then look again at how resilient I can manage to be with the signs he sends me. All the while knowing he keeps trying to let me know he is with me but how hard it is to hold onto such an ephemeral phenomena.

Comment by joe kelly on January 12, 2019 at 4:07pm

I took that pic about 10 days ago.

Comment by joe kelly on January 12, 2019 at 4:05pm

Here's a pic of her side of the grave.  I will be buried on top of her so she's down deep.  All last spring and summer, grass just wouldn't take on her side.  The workers couldn't understand why.  They then put some fresh soil and seed down and still it doesn't want grow in right.  You can't see it that clearly in the pic but it's the shape of her casket, about 7 x 3 feet.  Thing is that they extended the soil and seed down over a little bit on my father's side and you can see that is much greener and fuller.  I keep saying "you're not going to let that grass grow till I'm there, right?"  I'm debating on whether or not to have them try again in the spring.

Comment by Nancy on January 12, 2019 at 2:58pm

Love this Joe!

Comment by joe kelly on January 12, 2019 at 9:03am

Email I sent to my children last night after I saw a sign from my Love:

At about 8:40 tonight, something strange happened. As you all know, I switched rooms so only have the kitchen and a small lamp lit in the room I use. I went to the bathroom and before I turned on the bathroom light, something caught my eye as I passed our bedroom. I backed up to see what it was and saw a flicker of some sort. I walked into the room and saw many tiny flickers or tiny sparks on and off and it was if they were moving around. It was in about the same area where you guys were standing when your mother died. Not down by where the bed was, but about where your heads would be while you were standing there. I walked closer and said "Is that you?; I love you." I walked closer and it kept up, lasting about 30 seconds. That paper shade is all the way down, and the blackout curtains completely drawn and overlapped, so no light at all can come through, and there was no light from behind me that could had caused this either. So far I went back in about 4 times but it didn't happen again. I was just wondering if any of you guys had anything strange happen tonight.

Responses from two of my daughters:


"I definitely think it was a sign from mom! I got chills when I read it. Nothing happened for me tonight, but I often see cardinals and say "hi mom" when I do. I hope that you found what happens a little comforting, dad. Love you."


"Forms of light Dad...maybe that’s the key. Remember in church there was a powerful beam of light that quickly passed when the priest was blessing mom? Chuck had said at the time “that’s mom” and my friend even commented after the fact how remarkable it was. But I wonder if it’s in forms of light and spark that her energy can be revealed to us."


About that beam of light. The church was very crowded and many talked about it and even the priest who I talked to later on mentioned that a lot of people told him of it. I didn't take notice of it but did see some brightness at the time. I was too distraught I think at the time. I'm not sure if I had shared something about this in a previous post.

 

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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long…"
5 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long…"
13 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it…"
17 hours ago
Emma is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
23 hours ago
Kelly Lieberman posted a status
"Can't sleep. Typical, my daughter goes back to college in the morning and I am having a hard time with that."
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Kelly Lieberman posted photos
yesterday
mindy replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"I guess I'm doing ok I was in the middle of a family fued Christmas day night so I been keeping to myself I check out that site but don't have the money to pay for it I'm disabled"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon…"
yesterday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them. My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue...."
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma…"
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Margaret Whitehouse commented on mary snell's group hi
"I know how you feel. I lost my mom Jan 6, 2019 and it is so raw and all I do is cry. I was in the room when she passed and had been all day. My regret is I wasn't holding her hand when she took her last breath. She had dementia and I saw her 3…"
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Margaret Whitehouse joined mary snell's group
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hi

hi I recantly lost my mom two weeks ago I'm still missing her and I wish that i could of said good bye to her before said passed away See More
Thursday
Brenda Ann replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"Mindy, I am not a doctor but I am a student of the Bible. It seems that you are suffering from anxiety over your past. Humans including ourselves seem to filter the good things we have done and focus on the "bad". But God is the opposite.…"
Wednesday
Pamela philipp posted a blog post

permanent grief

it has been three years and four months since i lost my mom 9-6-2015 and my husband  9-14-2015 and the overwhelming grief is unbearable also my husbands birthday is on the 20th of this month i don't know how much longer i can hold on,also i have so much added stress from people telling me i have to move on don't they understand that i may look okay on the outside but i am shattered inside i have been numb for so long i feel like i'm in a horrific nightmare nothing makes any sense any more i am…See More
Wednesday
Brenda Ann left a comment for Lost
"Dear Lost, I've never been one who felt that money or job is most important either. There are so many things more important in life. One of those though is family. I would be lonely also if my family looked down on me and didn't talk to…"
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Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks M adams and Brett. Will wait for that time when I get over the guilt.  Starting my day with positive today. "
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I agree with M. I'm not one to give advice because I have not conquered those guilty feelings either. I have a feeling, and that is all I can go by, that one day we will grow tired of beating ourselves up, and that's when we will take…"
Tuesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, so good to hear that you can feel celebratory.  Engaging in life is important, it is something every parent wants for their child.  At the same time, I think in bereavement it’s hard to handle celebratory occasions because our…"
Tuesday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All,  Just returned from a small trip in India only. Whenever I celebrate, I feel guilty. "
Tuesday

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