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Comment by Semary Rose on June 29, 2011 at 8:00pm

I appreciate the sympathy on the looks-thing.  I had an ex boyfriend stop by today because my brother told him that I didn't look well--losing weight.  Really people.  7 pounds on my frame is nothing.  I feel like carion that the vultures are after.  Honestly, people really don't get it.  I used to enjoy getting dolled up, too.  I almost feel like I would be disrespecting my husband if I were to do that right now.  Life is not the same and I will not do the same things I used to every day--whether that is make up, child care, free time or whatever.  I am still trying to figure out what the heck I really am doing by the minute.  Most of the time, I fake it.  A shell.  That is what I am.  A shell of what I used to be.

Comment by Ruth on June 29, 2011 at 2:34pm

Thanks for the comments everyone.  Each and everyone of you are already so precious to me.  Karen and Semary Rose, I know exactly how you feel about the makeup.  I used to work in a beauty salon and do hair modeling.  So it was very important to me to use makeup and fix my hair.  Most of that has fallen by the wayside.  There's no point to emphasizing my crying eyes or tear-streaked cheeks to the public at large.  I've got bills from therapy and medication for my grief, so I don't have any money left over for the quarterly salon appointments I used to enjoy. I get it cut every 6 months professionally and do my own bangs now in between. And my weight has ballooned; some from the med's I guess, the rest from being agoraphobic/PTSD so I discontinued my outdoor activities.  My husband's never had robust health and he lost  many of his teeth because with his depressed immune system, infection just over whelmed them.  They couldn't even be saved through root canals.  It was like it was overnight for him.  Sometimes I'm very very sad about how aged we've become in the meantime, especially as we were known for our youthful outlooks and zest for living before.  That word.  Before.

Our best friend is 15 years younger than us and we used to pal around doing camping outdoor stuff even though we're not the adventurous sort.  We finally just Memorial Weekend took him up on an outdoors date, the first since Daddy's death.  We climbed a 2000 ft. hill/bluff/mini-mountain then back down and it nearly killed us.  Bill even went rappelling for the first time but no one had a belt rated high enough for my weight. I kept going telling myself, " I can do this.  I will get through this.  I'll just take this little break, then I'm going to keep going." And I did. And we did. The mountain will help me get through the grief anger and pain, just like knowing we had survived it's devastation got us up and back down that mountain.  So blessed in our friend, as well.  Tomorrow, 10 am, is the preliminary hearing so think of us as we stumble on.

Comment by Karen R. on June 28, 2011 at 9:02am

Hello Semary and everyone, I know what you mean about the makeup. I was never a big make-up wearer but I would try to always at least do my eyes. Now, I think, what's the point.......my tears only wash it away and my eyes are always swollen from crying. One of my daughters told me that my son would be so upset with me for not maintaining my hair and little make-up and the way I love to dress up. All of those things seem so petty and unimportant to me now but I have tried recently, on a few occassions, to fix myself up for my son. I convinced myself that my son wanted me to look like he was use to seeing me, so I guess I tried to please him. My son use to always compliment me. I find my self grooming like I feel inside.......sh!tty! It blows my mind when I run into some people and they say "wow, you look good"! and I'm thinking that they know they are lying because I must look like how I feel. I did promise my daughter that I would try more often to spruce myself up a little but she doesn't understand that it hard to be motivated to do that when you feel so bad on the inside.

Comment by Semary Rose on June 28, 2011 at 1:35am

2am and I can't sleep.  Maybe because I laid down with my 4 year old to help her get to sleep and ended up sleeping a while with her...I have a broken record playing in my head of the last few days we spent together.  And you are right, Mercy.  It comes down to figuring out how to live this new life.  Sounds simple, like we should have an instruction manual, but it is far from simple.  I had someone express concern for me at work today because I am not wearing my usual makeup.  I think they would be more concerned if I were to have big black mascara racoon eyes from crying tears on and off all day.  Yeah, I think I will stick to my "natural" looks for now.  Sorry for the dark humor (or some clumsy attempt at it), but really?  Concerned that I am not painted up as a clown right now??? 

Comment by Ruth on June 27, 2011 at 4:53pm

Thank you for the welcome, every one.  I don't know about others but my grief seems to go in cycles.  On the one hand, I want people to acknowledge my loss but on the other, sometimes it is too hard to cope with in a moment when someone approaches us.  Then there is the issue of trust.  Who do you trust when you don't know for certain who commited this act that rent the fabric of your world?  I still, thank God, had my nuclear family, my children and spouse for support and a very small circle of co-workers but the lens I viewed the world through has been warped now.  Now with the information (and evidence) it was this perpetrator, the kaliedescope has shifted again.  Much of our grief and anger lately are centered on the shattered dreams from our brief reunification before he was murdered.  We were never estranged but separated.  When my mom passed, I was impelled by my children to keep moving forward and though I was very, very sad, there was less opportunity for despondency in my case.  Daddy, in many ways, was frozen in time and it took 15 years for him to re-emerge.  He finally sold "their"  dream house, moved the 1,500 miles to the Midwest, spent 18 months in my brother's area and 5 months up here.  He was barely unpacked, then gone.  Now my husband and  I are like he was after Mommy died.  Clean, why clean? Finish the remodeling? What's the point?  The children will be moving on and the dreamer is dead, our dreams for our home with him. There's no money to finish the changes started but not finished. We're exhausted just surviving too many days.  Now, just as we were normalizing a bit, my husband's employment stabilized for the last year, we're back on a roller coaster.  It's been hard for my children to get jobs as they graduated, because of the notoriety.  They've always been good kids, that worked their butts off in and out of school but they were thrust in a spotlight they never sought, for the transgressions of another.  I've heard us referred to as a Jonah family.  I couldn't even share that with them,  they're shaken enough already,but thank God I had an angel at work, that's been a rock for me.  I had confided in her once or twice before all this, when my dad was being difficult acting with another relative while drinking.  So about a year ago,  when she asked how the case was going, I discussed it with her.  She was such a good sounding board, I realized there were some more things I had to do.  I followed through and eventually those words and actions have brought us to this point.  As I write this, I realize I am strong and proud, even as I cry through these tears. I look at it this way, the tears are washing me cleaner and cleaner for God's purpose in all this and my righteous anger is like an engine to move forward in the rest of my earth journey until I meet up with Mommy and Daddy and the others in the Great Beyond.  Daddy and I used to remind each other that Earth was a vale of tears but in Heaven there are no more tears.  May the Lord bind all our wounds for today. Peace to us all.

Comment by mercy on June 27, 2011 at 1:34pm

Ruth I'm so sorry for your loss. Its hard enough losing someone; losing them to murder has to be tremendously hard. I pray for justice and peace for your family. The support on here is unmatched; everyone here has been so kind and gracious in supporting me in my grief.

Marlene; what you are feeling is very normal. I lost my brother suddenly last year and my mom passed away one month ago. Its been very hard for me and I've pushed a lot of people away. Its like with every passing day, you are reminded that they are not coming back. Its very, very hard. I too feel tired since I've not been sleeping well. I've been eating unhealthy and not taking care of myself. I don't feel like there are words that can capture our pain. I'm here for you, anytime.

Comment by marlene lovell on June 26, 2011 at 10:00pm

I seem to be feeling more intense grief as the months pass........is this normal? Iam so tired all the time and angry. I find myself not wanting to be around anyone.

Comment by Karen R. on June 26, 2011 at 9:54pm

I second what Semary said.........I help this site continues to offer all of us some support, great or small.  Thanks.

Comment by Karen R. on June 26, 2011 at 9:52pm

Hello Ruth, sorry for your tremendous loss. I hope that your Dad gets the justice that he deserves. My son's case is still under investigation, so I truly understand the need for someone to be held accountable for their actions. My son was chased and rammed into another car on purpose.......thank goodness we know these facts due to witnesses. Now that my son's voice was silenced, I speak for him!  I dont believe I will have a drop peace until justice is served.

Thanks for listening

Comment by Karen R. on June 26, 2011 at 9:37pm

Hello Donna, I need you to know that you did NOT upset me in anyway. I guess I will always struggle with the thoughts of if I did the "right" thing. Nevertheless, I am pissed that I was even faced with such a decision. I am so sorry that you lost your support.....your son. That has to be double hard and your illness must only add to it. This kind of tremendous stress will affect anyone's health in a negative way, so imagine when this happens to you when you are already not well.  I truly understand because I also have a serious illness. It's funny how my son was so worried about me and look at what happened to him.  

Trust me, Donna, you are NOT rambling, I know that no one here would ever feel that way. This is our venting forum.......thank goodness! it is so hard, if not impossible, sometimes to explain what we are feeling to those who are not in our shoes. Keep writing!!!!!!!!

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