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Comment by Karen T. on February 4, 2015 at 5:07pm

Zell, I completely understand. I was hospitalized in the ER not too long ago. The symptoms were nausea, vomitting, unable to eat and drink, etc. Of course the hospital just said soms stomach thing, gave me fluids and medicine to get me stable to leave and discharged me. In the middle of the night when all the injections wore off everything was coming baci to the same thing so I went to my regular doctor (husband's doc too so he knew everything that was going on) instead of the expensive ER again and since he knew the whole story he rather quickly landed on the diagnosis of stress and extremely high anxiety because of ehat I was going through (not able to eat, sleep, etc) and he gave me some meds and advice to help which helped and even thgough I can still at times feeo my stomach tightening I am able to cut it off before gets real bad and have joined this forum at his  suggestion of speaking to peoplewho have experienced the same kind of loss (but I am anxious at talking in person so this is more comfortable.) It does take time, I still get my stomach knotted up rom time to time- but the physical seems to get easier sooner than the emotional part.

Lynn- I hope you don;t mind md calling you *tink* as I do understand special nicknames and I look forward to talking to you more  in time to come as you are the one I feel most comforble with, I just wish we were closer (I'm in Florida :(  )

Hope everyone has a good night.

Comment by dream moon JO B on February 4, 2015 at 3:45pm

yea zell im stuk on a horbel grief train i feal as if im screaming let me off but no body will hear me only on hear i can scream or yell coz evry can hear me/us 

thnx lyn god can hear me scream get mad at him/her i no  

im not on my own on hear

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 4, 2015 at 2:50pm

Karen, believe it or not, sharing the things I have learned in my grief journey also helps me to get through it.  Sometimes you just have to see things through someone else's eyes.  I had the same thing about the music thing....I couldn't listen to Jimmy Buffett for a year, it would just break my heart, because that was the background music of our lives together.  Just in the past two weeks I have slowly gotten back to some of the songs we shared and loved.  It gets a little easier every day.  Some days more than other, although. You know, I hadn't been in a church since I was a teenager, but since his passing I feel an overwhelming urge to re-connect with God.  I'm so glad I've begun that journey now.  My new church family is so  supportive and understanding, even for a stranger like me.  I've learned so much, but I've still got lots more to learn.  If I can give you a little comfort, it makes ME feel comforted too. I miss him so much. It's a real pain and agony.  Grief is full of "woulda, shoulda, coulda" that go round and round in our heads.  It's normal.  It doesn't feel normal, but it is.  Nothing you have said has sounded silly to me.  I wish we could grieve and hug together, too.  I'm in Northern California.  I don't really believe that God "takes" anybody, but they certainly go Home to Him, where they find a happiness and bliss we'll never know until it is our time.  I cry uncontrollably still, too.  It hurts and is exhausting.  But it is necessary for the healing. I hate it, but I know there is a purpose for it. If we didn't love them so much, we wouldn't hurt so bad.

 

Check out this YouTube video:

http://youtu.be/l4eb1Cfpodw?list=RDl4eb1Cfpodw

Besides being written for survivors of Hurrican Katrina....the message is the same for us. And getting back to Jimmy Buffett has finally brought me some peace....one song at a time.

 

Sisters in Grief,

*tink*

Comment by Karen T. on February 4, 2015 at 2:28pm

Thank *tink* it's nice to know that there is someone who understands me and understands why I have times of uncontrollable cryaing or can't listen to certain songs on the radio because they make me miss him too much while others have us dancing together in my head. I know I'm relatively new to this situationas he just passed in October, but I am desperately trying to find some comfort soon so I don't go completely insane.

By the way- my husband was a preacher (working his was to becoming ordained) so you can never be "to preachy" for me. God's words are comforting after all. Sometimes I even think that that is why God took him from me because I didn't treat him as good as I should have. I loved him with all of my heart, but there are always things we think about after the fact that we could have done different or better. I know that sounds silly- but grief has it's way of making you insane even when you know better. Please keep talking to me- I feel such a great connection with you. I feel that you are going to be the one to get me through this and beyond, I just wish we lived near each other so we could really get together and bond face to face.

Thanks for everything. :)

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 4, 2015 at 1:32pm

JO B, God does not hate you, and I do not believe you were too greedy or asked for too much.  God is love.  We are all mortal beings, and being mortal we are subject to pain, illness, suffering. accidents and our teams losing a "big game" that God simply cannot control. God exists to give us strength and hope. Our loved ones who have passed on no longer feel pain, illness, or suffering.  They become our angels who watch over us.  I know about that "silly stuff" that can suddenly become a full-blown "grief burst", like when I see those jalapeno-cheese rolls my husband used to love at the store, and I fall apart right then and there at the grocery store.  I also know it is a natural reaction.  The trick is not to let these bad feelings take control of you.  You are still alive and you are in control of whether you want to feel miserable or happy.  Be thankful for the time you had with your loved ones, for whatever short time they were alive themselves.  Some people live to be 100, some people don't live past their first day of life.  We cannot control these factors, and neither can God.  And one thing my beloved husband taught me is not to worry about those things that I cannot control.  He was a very smart man.  It hurts me to think of you tormenting yourself over these things that are not in your control.  After you are done screaming and swearing at God in your anger, take a break, and then thank God for the blessings you have and had.  A loving God would not Hate, or Punish you for your grief. Give yourself time to heal.  As long as it takes.  But please, stop punishing yourself.  I'll say it again....You are loved, and still loved by those who have left you.  I firmly believe this.

 

Karen T., I am right there in your corner. Life without my husband is absolutely the hardest thing I've had to face in my life.  I have to manage a bunch of financial things things right now and I'm completely clueless....there was a reason why he handled the money and stuff (I am mathematically challenged.)  It sucks and it scares me that I might make a horrible mistake and really mess things up for myself.  Grieving and crying is what makes me the most exhausted, and I crawl into bed sometimes as early as 6:30 just to hide from the world, sleep and make it all go away, at least for a while.  Life does suck.  But after a year and 6 days I've found that not ALL of life sucks.  Think of your son, he's a blessing to you and is still alive to bring you joy.  Life is precious and tenuous.  Would your husband want you to be miserable and unhappy all the time?  I don't think mine would.  You are going to have those unproductive times when everything and everybody just sucks, but those times don't last. They can't last as long as love can.  Love lives forever. Keep on keepin' on....you (and me, and the rest of us) are stronger than we may think.  I'm sorry if I come across as preachy, but these are some of the things I have learned in a year and 6 days. I've had plenty of sucky days.  But I've also found some days of joy.  It's a slow process, but remember, the only way OUT is THROUGH.  Do something today that will make you smile, even if only for a moment.  You owe it to your husband.

 

I wish all of you Every Happiness and at Peace with your precious Memories.  No matter how long it may take to find it, it IS there.

*tink* (that is my husband's nickname for me.....)

Comment by Karen T. on February 4, 2015 at 12:26pm

Today is one of those days. I am so exhausted from everything (including trying to stat positive for my little boy) that I am drinking an energy drink and still half-falling asleep. Everything just kind of sucks at the moment of course, and I don't know how to get out of that hole. I feel so alone- I mean I have my son but this is beyond a 9 year old. Trying to move on and deal with life without my huusband has got to be the hardest thing I've ever done. Life just sucks.

Comment by dream moon JO B on February 3, 2015 at 4:54pm

thnx lyn

person i wz in 2011 i wud pray 2 god a lot now i worry did i get 2 greedy did i ask for 2 mush i torment my selff over loss i had all near esh other i no gods a easy targt 2 scream at

silly stuff sets me off if i sea poster or hear a song or stuff loved 1s enjoy wn thy wear hear

iv even swear at god loud as if he/she wz hear im plesed in not god stuff iv scream at him/her coz i cud not handl stuff iv scream at him/her 

i no 1 thng iv scream at him/her is 

why do u h a t e me so mush god iv screamed i no othrs on hear must of scremed it 2

ps

huggs for u 2 its so sad we all on hear coz of loss 

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 3, 2015 at 4:20pm

Jo B alexio, your anger is okay, from what I've learned from all my grief classes and bereavement groups, it's one of the by-products of profound grief. And since you have lost so many, it's natural to feel extra angry.  Angry at God, Angry at your loved ones for dying, Angry with yourself for not doing something, Angry at the whole world for everything.  Go ahead and let the God of your Understanding know exactly how crappy you feel.  Eventually He (or She) will bless you with Peace in heart, IF YOU LET THEM.  Keep living life the way your loved ones would want you to.  They still love you too, and want you to live the rest of your life happily and fully.  That is a nice way to honor them.  It's hard for me, too.  The reality of living without my husband is still painful, I feel frozen in time and don't want to do anything or be with anybody, unless it can be him.  I still do that alot.  I'm beginning to listen to his music again (for a year I couldn't listen to Jimmy Buffett because it just broke my heart and I would cry) but I'm at a point where I have listened to Buffett a little bit (past two weeks) and it makes me remember when we would sing these songs to each other,   Oh, I'm sorry...I got carried away rambling along.  Anyway JO, your losses have been great so your grief is great.  But you CAN and WILL get through it. It may take awhile, nobody's grief is the same, there is no "time limit", so be kind to yourself.  I'm sorry you are so mad at God.  Let him know, too.  
**hugs**

Comment by dream moon JO B on February 3, 2015 at 3:31pm

thnx lyn im so mad at him/her coz of so mush loss i am

Comment by Lynn Boyd on February 2, 2015 at 5:24pm

Jeni, so sorry for your loss.  It was so recent, it's perfectly normal for you to feel lost. I've been widowed for a year and 4 days now....and I still feel lost. But the pain has lessened over the year, and I realize I still have much grief work to do.  Karen T. is right....it sucks.  It sucks BIG TIME.  There is no way out except through it.  You will never "get over" the loss, but you won't always feel as bad as you do right now. Yeah, I didn't believe that at the beginning either.  My mother died in my arms in 1999, and my husband died with me holding his hand last year. I know that pain. Find some books on grief at the library, and keep coming to this website.  Family and friends may not be as supportive as you would want them to be. They will say things that will hurt you but not on purpose....they just don't know what to say and they don't want to see you suffer.  Cry. Cry a lot.  Cry hard and loud and let those awful feelings wash over you.  At some point you will feel better.

 

JO B alexio....No, it doesn't sound bad saying you want to grab God and scream or slap him.  God knows you are in pain, he will not be offended.  Any time you talk, scream or curse at God it is still a type of prayer.  I know you are scared of what the new year will bring.  None of us know what tomorrow will bring...so be thankful for today and live in the moment. You are loved and supported here.  I wish you Peace.

***hugs to you all***

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