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Comment by Sandra LaBonte on July 24, 2011 at 10:41pm

I finally agreed to go somewhere with my sisters, it was fun at first but then it turned into just what I thought it would. Me thinking how much Kasey would enjoy this and looking at all the families with envy. My 21 year old nephew was bowling with his mom. My 18 year old nephew came home from work asking what for dinner. I was so envious. Brad's bowling, Brandon eating peanuts and we have to leave because we have to go water my daughter. I have no kid I have plants on a grave. Completely devastating. My sister who is trying to be helpful says "see all you have to do is get up and do something" Bless her unknowing heart, there wasn't one moment that I forgot my child was dead.

Comment by Ruth on July 23, 2011 at 11:52am

Hi Everyone,

 

I just wanted to thank everyone that's participated in this thread over the 2 days.  It really helps to see outlined what's happening to me and my family in your words.  I messaged some one about the petty crap between me and my husband, then how I looked over later and he was crying.  One message I write car rides are so hard because they are going to/through the places my Dad had moved here to share with us only to be snatched from us 5 months later.  The message last night?  Car rides used to joyful and still can be therapeutic because it gets me away from the deteriorated "dream house" that my Dad's death (elsewhere) made a nightmare, enough where I can think through what has to be done to keep us barely functional.  I just took delivery of two locally grown, organic chickens that I will be roasting for a Sunday dinner, the way we all dreamed, with an empty seat at the armed chair we bought for him.  It hurts.  I need to clear all the files for the murder case and bills off the table so we can lay out the spread.  I haven't put together the flag case with the shell casings and display, they're waiting on the table too.  I promised myself I'd only sit for 15 minutes and my timer rang so I'll check in later.  Welcome Julayne and Anne, as always Karen and Nadia, Ruth

Comment by Karen R. on July 23, 2011 at 9:50am

Greetings Nadia, you also enlighten me. My children try to express to me that I am not the only one devastated by the loss of their brother. One daughter, in particular, goes out of her way to hide her emotions about losing him, she says she does that to keep from upsetting me. I have explained to her, that she can't make me anymore upset then I already am. Her doing that, was having the opposite effect......it made me feel like she had "forgot" about her brother and that made me angry.  She told me that was impossible. They just didn't know how to deal with me because they have witnessed me at my lowest and there were many times that they wanted me to get admitted for severe depression. I will keep trying to accept that I am NOT the only one hurting over the loss of my son, I just don't think that their pain is to the depth of mine but then again, it's not fair or possible to measure someone's pain. Sometimes it helps when you hear it from someone else, thanks for helping realize some things.

Comment by Karen R. on July 23, 2011 at 9:38am

hello everyone, does anyone else ever feel 'guilty' if they enjoy something or laugh too hard. I do, sometimes if I am laughing at something, I hear the voice that tells me "what the hell are you laughing at, where's your son?!!!....he's not laughing!" It's really bad because, for example, lets say that there is a function, like a wedding, or baby shower or holiday get together or a party, I prefer not to attend because I get angry at everyone. Crazy, I know, but the my anger is not towards them personally. My anger comes from my feeling that my son and I were both robbed of his young life and I am pissed that the world is going on and everyone is going on with their life without even recognizing that my son is gone. I am sad and angry that he won't be attending any of these events. I am always being invited somewhere but I usually decline, my family hates that I do that. Somewhere, way down deep, "enjoyment" and/or laughter makes me think that my son feels like I a forgetting about him.

Thanks.

Comment by Karen R. on July 23, 2011 at 9:21am

Dear Anne, I can't even imagine having this happen twice! I am so sorry. I know what you mean about grabbing pieces of joy here and there but when I try to do that, the guilt over takes what little joy it could have been. Thanks for sharing and thanks for listening.

Comment by nadia on July 23, 2011 at 5:47am

Hello everyone thank you so much for your msgs. Your words offer me an extra lifeline when I feel I am lost in pain.
Dear Karen, your words are somehow enlightening - I can only imagine these are the words that my mum does not want to voice to me.. I am broken with sadness and guild and crippling longing for my wonderful sister yet perhaps this is only a fraction of the pain that my mum must live... I mourn for my lost life and future without her - I am going thru sleepless nites reading and thinking how this could have been prevenetd... I feel helpless as to how to support my mum and dad other than being here.. thank you all for your hearing me out for offering a helping hand and hug....

Comment by anne on July 23, 2011 at 12:51am

October for me. Both my boys died in october, and they were both buried on the same day of the month in october. At first it consumed me all day everyday. The first time it took me years to figure out that no matter what I do, how I feel, or how hard I greive it wont change what's already happened. I bought drove myself to insanity. Then slowly I adjusted to my different life. I started to function again but If I allow myself to think about everything that's happened I don't know how I could've survived. So little by little I started grabbing little pieces of joy here and there. Even when I really did'nt want to be around anything happy I forced myself to go anyway, and believe me it was very hard to do, but I guess I came to a point where I had nowhere else to go.I was at the lowest point in my life I had ever been in after my boy died.I had to live because well I don't like the idea of dying plus I had others that I love dearly. I always carried pain and sadness, but the greif lessened over time. Then one day in october it happened again. My oldest boy was killed and it all started all over again. I don't know why these terrible things happen, I don't know how to stop them from happening,and I can't control any of it.I do know that somedays get pretty unbearable, and if I let my emotions escalate to far it makes it really hard to get things straight again so I'm learning to watch for the signals so I can try to distract myself before my mind goes to far. Also writing here has helped a great deal. I wish you all peace

Comment by Karen R. on July 22, 2011 at 11:11am

Hello everyone, Nadia and Julayne. So sorry for everyone's pain. I too wish I new the magical "fix" to make this pain go away. I know that the guilt I am feeling is not good for me but I can't help it. I agonize over the thought of my son feeling like I only truly love him once he's passed away. I know that sounds crazy but I hope my son really knew and felt the depth of my love BEFORE he passed away. Still, just saying those words......"passed away", makes me crazy, just doesn't sound right. A couple of days ago, my 16 yr old son had asked me to make him some pancakes, well I was tired and not feeling my best, so I told him where the mix was and that he could make them himself. It took me all of 20 seconds to realize how much I'd jump and do flips just to make pancakes for my son, his big bro, one more time. I felt so bad, I made him loads of pancakes. A little voice reminded me how I took for granted that ALL of my children would always be around and now, that chain link has been broken. Every time I open my bedroom door or the front door of the house, I look for my son to be there. I tell myself that this will be the day that I will see my son standing or sitting with a huge smile, and I will be relieved of my pain. I imagine how tight I am going to hold him and kiss his forehead. I imagine how his loud music will never again get on my nerves. I want my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by nadia on July 22, 2011 at 3:14am

I too like Karen cannot help replaying my sister's last hours.. agonising why she had to be alone that morning, why she did tno recognising the sigsn as heart attack...How could so mnay other much older survive it and she had to die at just 36???.. I feel anger towards her partner with whom she was going thu a tough patch last month the relationship being on and off.. I cannot help that all this sadness may have contributed somehow.. I am angry because when she called him at 6;30 am saying she is not feeling that well with some chest pains, he advised her to sleep it thru that it was just a muscle sprain.. I am angry with myself that I live in singapore and could not act should she had call me.. I am angry and disgusted with myself that I forgot to call her on her birthday this year that I had not skyped long enough ... I cannot help beating myelf what I or what it could have been done to prevent or make it better.. I am so much more sad now at 2 months since I lost her that feel completely crippled...I keep tracing all her calls that fatal morning I keep trying to read medical texts I feel more and more frustrated thinking that if sn was there with her urging her to call paramedics she could have been saved... there was a lapse of nearly 4 hrous between onset of symptoms and the end... I am feeling worse by the day... cant see how to go on .... so envious of all others who do not have the pain of losing a loved one... how to keep te anger and blame at bay ??? please help !!!

Comment by Semary Rose on July 22, 2011 at 2:06am

Here I am up at 3am and watching shows I remember watching when I was doing the "3am feeding" with our now 2 year old.  How quickly things can change your world.  I had a child, got married, had another child and lost my husband, all in about 5 years.  How random and unfair life is. I haven't been on this site for a few days because I have been seeking comfort in others.  But I think of all of you and hope you are at least "ok" for a few minutes today.

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