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Comment by Karen R. on June 24, 2011 at 11:35am

Hey Semary, I am sure a lot of us, unfortunately, wish we had done things different, every circumstance is not the same. Somewhere way down deep, real deep, in my rational mind, I know what happened to my son was out of my control but I still beat myself up over me not letting him use my car when he asked......maybe he wouldn't have rode is friend's motorcycle that day. Maybe he would have had more protection in a car. My biggest quilt that I carry, that I don't talk about much is, I often think that I killed my son!!!!!! I feel that way because I agreed to terminate his life support after being prompted to do so from a certain person. I was such an emotional wreck, in my heart I believed that God would grant me the miracle for my son and we would totally recover. I convinced myself that God would find favor with me and bless my son and prove to those "stupid", non-faithful doctors that even if they turned off those machines, my son would still live. I believed that since he had been capable of taking breaths on his own, without the assistance of a ventilator, that he would still breath. Prior to this trauma to my son, I had always prayed for all of my children, I remained in continuous prayer when I learned what happened to my son. I begged with all of my soul for his young life to be spared. I even prepared myself for a possible long road to recovery for him, I was more than ready to be his private nurse. I blame myself for not giving him enough time to recover, I should have waited a few more days like a friend of mine asked me to. It was tearing me apart that my son couldn't tell me if he was in pain or not. I made sure he received continuos pain medication around the clock for the week that he was in ICU. It appeared to me that he was in pain. I feel like I made the worst mistake of my entire life by having them end his life support. Prayer no longer comforts me, it makes me angry, I feel like its all been in vain, i feel like God did give me more than I can bare.

Comment by Semary Rose on June 23, 2011 at 11:35pm

Donnie, I miss you.  I wish I would have done things differntly.  I did not take care of you the way I should have. 

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on June 23, 2011 at 7:22pm

Norma, I get that too Kasey wouldn't want me to be sad. What am I supposed to do with that. It's not like I'm choosing to be sad. I actually have to dig up from several levels down just to get up to sad.

Comment by Karen R. on June 23, 2011 at 6:09pm

Greetings to all, 

Mercy.......I can relate to what you just wrote. Especially about things NOT getting better. Somedays I feel like I can't stop crying, everyday I have a headache, literally! I am so physically and emotionally beat up. People tell me too that my son does not like to see me like this.......he probably doesn't, but I try to reaasure them that I can not help it, i am not doing this on purpose. The thing that gets me angry the most, I'm talking, makes my blood boil, is when they say..."he's in a BETTER place"!!! Deep down I know they mean well but for me, that "better place" is here with me and all of his family and friends, his place is to be here to bury me! NOT the other way around. I don't even know how to begin to find peace.....it has been non-existent....I want my son back, I want my once happy life to be here again.       Thanks to everyone for listening

Comment by mercy on June 23, 2011 at 12:30pm

Norma; thank you for your prayers sweetie. Its so hard for me to pray sometimes. I have to admit I've been mad at God for a while now. The last weeks of moms life were tough but so were the last three years. She lost her brother, sister and son in just over three years. My brothers death last year was so crushing to her and I think it triggered the cancer to return. Before she died, I was praying for more than 3 hours daily for her healing. I had so much faith that she would be ok. I still haven't come to terms with her death and my anger at God remains. I know mom would not want me to be mad at God she endured so much and still had unshakable faith. I want to emulate her and I pray my anger subsides. Thanks dear.

Comment by mercy on June 23, 2011 at 12:24pm

Semary; I can relate to what you are going through. It feels like my mom just passed and some days it feels like it been forever. I try to remember every conversation I had with her, trying to save all our memories on paper. Do you journal? I write to my mom daily and I talk to her daily telling her how much I LOVE HER AND MISS HER AND HOW MUCH WE WENT TO EVERY EXTREME (sorry for the caps) to get her the best care. Mom died knowing she was so loved; that gives me the most comfort. If I have even 1/4th of the friends my mom had and 1/4th of the friends she had; I will die happy. Please try and remember all the wonderful things your husband did in this world and that the world is a better place because he was in it.

Comment by Semary Rose on June 22, 2011 at 9:06pm

Hello everyone.  Just checking in.  I am in this weird phase of numbness or something I just don't understand.  It feels like a million years since I last saw my husband and it also somehow feels like only a day or two.  I don't know what I am feeling.  I think of everyone on here often and hope everyone is doing ok today and having a few peaceful moments.

Comment by Dylan Ishmael on June 19, 2011 at 9:58pm

I hope everyone is doing better, too.  Life can really deliver some nasty blows.  But it can also bring beautiful, thrilling joys, too.  My love to all! xo

Comment by Karen R. on June 19, 2011 at 9:46pm

Hello everyone, just checking in to say hello.

Comment by marlene lovell on June 18, 2011 at 9:08pm

I guess the initial shock has worn off and hard reality has set in for I find myself in tears more often over the loss of my husband. Memories coming rushing back at any given time of day and the people around me annoy me with what i percieve in my grief as their indiffernce to my loss. Iam aware that all I experience is a normal part of the journey through grief yet i will offer no apologies for my thoughts and my feelings for I have every right to feel as I do.I want to shout out to others to experience every day life as I do when your heart and soul have been ripped from you and then tell me how you feel. The hardest part is the utter loneliness...which is so complete.

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